Incomprehensible Demoralization
 

That was exactly my state of mind last night... after I took yet another prescription drug (naltrexone) in addition to the anti-depressants & gabapentin I'm already on, sitting alone in my studio apartment. Just wondering how my life got this way, to state of utter meaningless and loneliness and attempting to drown it all out with alcohol. At least I did not drink last night.

A rhetorical question. The answer, if there is an answer provides nothing. The important thing is you can turn this completely around. You didn't drink last night. Don't drink tonight. Rinse and repeat. Once sober you can work on adding meaning to your life.

You did NOT drink. This is fabulous!!!!

I do not think this word means what you think it means.

Not on these forums anyway. There are loads of people here who know exactly what that's like.

What is the plan to change?

Both naltrexone and gabapentin can have serious emotional side effects especially when combined with alcohol. You don't mention which antidepressants you're on, but alcohol is not recommended with those, either.

My point is that these feelings may well be created or made worse by the medications you're taking...and they definitely would be made worse with drinking.

Is your doctor aware of your drinking history? It may well be time to have a review of your medications with him/her and evaluate their benefit versus these side effects.

We tend to assume that we are sad and miserable at our core when in fact these emotions are often caused by what we're putting in our bodies, especially as some if us are super-sensitive to medications and alcohol.. I know I am far more emotionally stable sober than I ever was drinking.

Schedule an appointment, yes?

Sending you a hug.

lol - I took that directly from the Big Book in Chapter 3. It just seemed to sum up the situation. I am in AA and working the steps with a sponsor, I am now seeing an addiction psychiatrist who is helping me work on a recovery plan. Doing all I can at the moment short of locking myself up in rehab. :)

"All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization"

Yep. I was just there 3 days ago. I know i am not supposed to be drinking but the naltrexone is supposed to help with that. We'll see. It's only been Day 1 with that.

She says I will feel better if I can stay off drinking and my brain will heal and I'll feel better in time, it just might take a while. I'm hopeful but for now I still feel like crap.

Thanks for the hug!

This may sounds kind of out there, but let's say your lifetime is a continuum of numbers from 1-1000. Where you are right now is at, lets say, 413. There are 999 more points on that continuum that represent your life. The whole point of that is that it is temporary. And you can work your way out of it. In 1998, I had nothing and I mean nothing. Someone told me it was temporary and I believed them. And they were right.

Does your sponsor know you're still drinking? You'll get much more out of your step work once you've stopped drinking. It's not going to make much sense to an alcohol addled mind, esp if you're in med that don't mix well with booze. If you did step one you'll already have a clear understanding of exactly how alcohol contributes to the unmanagability of your life.

The speaker recordings have been a massive help to me between meetings, esp in the first year . Perhaps they're worth a go for you as well? This site is free and doesn't need any registration or anything... http://www.recoveryaudio.org/

You know, staying sober one day at a time is pretty hard work at first. Why not leave working out the meaning of life til you've been sober for a little bit. Rome wasn't built in a day after all, and the meaning of life has kept many philosophers going for most of their lives.

Have you seen the set aside prayer and the step 1 prayer yet? I found them pretty useful...

The Set Aside Prayer:

"Dear God please help me to set aside everything I think I know about [people. place or thing] so I may have an open mind and a new experience. Please help me to see the truth about [people. place or thing]. AMEN." (This prayer comes from the Chapter to the Agnostic, primarily pages 47 and 48).

First Step Prayer

Dear Lord, Help me to see and admit that I am powerless over my alcoholism. Help me to understand how my alcoholism has led to unmanageability in my life. Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness. Remove from me all denial of my alcoholism. (This prayer is developed from the chapter, More About Alcoholism)


A quick Google search will come up with prayers for each of the 12 steps. It's not always spoken about too much in the rooms, but I haven't yet met a long term AAer who doesn't have a routine of prayer / meditation to help them stay focussed. Even if you haven't quite determined the nature of your HP yet, it is still likely to be useful in breaking these patterns you're stuck in.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Naltrexone + gabapentin + antidepressants? I'm no doctor, but those drugs most certainly have cross interactions that are very likely to be person dependent.

meeting?

Hey thanks. Yes my sponsor does know, I was doing ok for a while and then I had a relapse. I have already been through Step 1 and I realize my life was unmanageable but it's not so easy to care about that when you're depressed. What can I do but try again.

I would think so too but I am seeing a psychiatrist that specializes in dual diagnosis patients and is board certifed by the American Board of Addiction Medicine. so I hope she knows what she's doing.

If you have that step 1 work you did, I'd suggest reading it through whenever your AV suggests that a drink will make things better. We can't shut that voice in our head up, but we H can train ourselves to listen to the lying little rat.

So, moving forward in the search for solutions to you current predicament I would suggest..

Every morning...

* Pray / meditate (the prays I sent you, plus the serenity prayer are good for starters, and you can add to them as you go)
* Read your step 1 stuff
* Plan how you are going to avoid the HALT triggers for that day
* Read the list of what you are going to do if you are temoted to drink
* Listen to a speaker recording as you go to work or go about the start of your day (little mp3 players can be bought as cheap as chips online, then no one can hear what you're listening to)


When you feel the urge to drink...
* phone your sponsor. Don't worry about what you're going to say. Just call and worry about that when she picks up the phone. You're more likely to have a useful and honest conversation if you do this, and besides, procrastination just gives that voice in your head more time to work on you. If your sponsor doesn't answer the phone or can't speak, then call another AAer. We are not restricted to our sponsors. If you haven't got people's number, then get some so you're armed ready.
* read through your step 1 work again and play the tape forward - past the bit where alcohol has just numbed your feelings, because that's just a tiny bit of it. Think about how you'll feel the next morning, when you tell your sponsor and people here you drank again, think about those 12-step promises. They only happen if you work the program thoroughly. Do you want those things? Drinking will never ever bring those things to you. It stops you getting those things. Step work is sober work. It isn't done to get sober. It is done so that we can learn how to make sobriety fulfilling. It's not a case of you do the steps THEN stop drinking. It just doesn't work like that.
* check the HALT triggers (are you Hungry-Anger-Lonely-Tired? ) If so, address those straight away.
* pray, pray and pray some more. "God, please remove this obsession to drink from me. Help me to sit with these feeling and not take a drink." (Or words of your own)
* find someone who you can help (this place usually has plenty of people needling support or encouragement). Is there someone you know who has troubles of their own that you can help with a phone call asking how they are, or a note in the post to say you're thinking of them? Chances are it'll help you just as much as it helps them.
* DO something (those feelings are bad enough on their own, without giving them an audience). Crafting, colouring, a chore, take a shower. Anything other than drink. The craving will pass. It will, believe me.
* write a gratitude list


You know in meetings when they say 'it works if you work it'? Well, that is truer than true. And it don't work if you don't work it. So work it. You're worth it.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

:grouphug:

DOH typo alert.

This should say... 'I'd suggest reading it through whenever your AV suggests that a drink will make things better. We can't shut that voice in our head up, but we can train ourselves NOT to listen to the lying little rat.'

Must proof read more carefully. Sorry for any confusion.

Early in sobriety I steeped myself in meetingss - this approach "baptized" me in hope and lead me towards recovery of the spiritual malady. I am living proof anyone can get sober.

You might feel like that from time to time for the rest of your life.

I do.

No big deal, not really.

It's painful, but it comes and goes, and over time it's possible to come to terms with it.

i'm so glad you didnt drink.

I get how you feel best i can say is "thers going to be to moments like this" I kinda started to realize i coudlnt count on anything. I could however count on life being life which basicly meant i could basicly count on not being able to count on anything :).

I get like that at times too and its like GNNNNN lifes a real piece of crap sometimes this stings etc... what to do other then not drink and push forward? I mean really going backwards to booze well we know ehre that path goes so why not try the path that doesnt have it and see how that goes. I hit a point where it was like geeze i guess i got nothing to loose. I"m screwed if i drink. and my AV would say your screwed if you dont drink. Reality was I was not screwed if i didnt drink. Life would still suck at times sure but it was still better then trying to deal with it while drinking.

hang in there.

I might add that you won't really know if it's all the medications you're taking or if it's just life until you see a doctor (recommended) and stop drinking.