Daucuscarota

Sober Day #66

My oldest drinking buddy
(who I had distanced myself from since I quit---it was not a very healthy relationship)
contacted me today ---she is going thru multiple crises and is very angry that I have not been there for her.
I have to figure it out.

I really need to change my whole life, and that means cleaning house in many areas.
But I feel guilty about deserting her. Is it possible to support her from a distance?

Any advice from those further down this road?

Dee74

Hi Daucus

only you can make the decision - but I will add my observation that I have never in the position of being the only person someone else could turn to.

If this relationship might endanger your recovery then your way forward is pretty clear.

I know there are some tough decisions in recovery, particularly in the early days... but I look back and I don't regret putting my recovery first, ever.

Daucuscarota

Thanks Dee. Yes, I am afraid that if I get involved with her again I will fall back into old unhealthy patterns.
I guess I was really asking if I have a right to put my sobriety first, before everything. You answered my question.

grayghost1965

My two cents - yes, you are right to put yourself and your sobriety above others. They won't clean up the messes you make if you drink.

I have not had to cut anyone out of my life, thankfully; even my friends that drink - they respect my decisions regarding my life and sobriety. I've had to keep a few family members at arm's length due to their toxicity on my life in general, not necessarily my sobriety.

Take care of YOU.

Clean30

I wouldn't pull away from her completely. Be there to help her.

I pulled away from a women in the past because at the time I wasn't a drinker but she was. I look back to that day sometimes and wish I hadn't pushed her away like that. I know how drinkers need a sober buddy now more than ever if they are trying to get out of the drinking.

Berrybean

I used to have lots of drama and multiple crisis as well..,, then I stopped drinking and they stopped happening. Same may well have happened to you.

I found there were 2 types of old friend. The ones who seem good me was conditional on them still being able to drink (because they were just mutual friends of our old buddy alcohol) and ones who would be happy to meet for coffee and a chat.

Strikes me that this lady could well be type 1. Did she call to check how YOU are? Ask if you'd mind meeting her because she'd appreciate you help? Doesn't sound like it. Anyway. Maybe I'm being unfair because I'm just reading between the lines. But no one has the right to be angry with you for putting your health and recovery ahead of their ongoing crisis. Esp if they're someone who has often got some crisis or another blowing up to make things more exciting.

If you do see her make sure that you are both sober and it's somewhere no alcohol is available. I'd also suggest making sure that there is a time limit on it, even if you have to add in a special commitment to ensure you leave on time. I say this because she sounds like someone who might have a LOT to rattle on about, and that stuff is tiring. Remember HALT (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired ) - all common triggers to avoid.

Have you made some sober friends yet? If not, it might be worth thinking about doing so. It takes away the power the old drinking friendships have over us.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

August252015

I've said it often around here, and also in my IRL situations - I am ruthless about who gets a seat at my table.

Absolutely no one- family, friend, anyone- who isn't supportive of my sobriety and trying to live their own best lives (whether alcoholics or not) gets my time or attention. Period.

To any lengths, at any costs- and I do many any. The ultimate example is that my soon-to-be-fiance (also in recovery) knows that it would be game over if he started drinking again - and he is absolutely the love of my life. Nothing, nothing, nothing comes before my physical and emotional sobriety.

I would listen to Dee and BB here - it may be hard at this time, but I don't believe I will ever regret the "safe" and self-care focused decisions I have made so far in my recovery. At 414 days, I am so content with my results. As I said in a meeting the other day- my selection process and admittance policy is stringent, and my life and social world is full.

tomsteve

sobriety should be #1 priority.

"Is it possible to support her from a distance?"

you are allowed to have boundaries.

insane how when I had things happening in life when I was drinkin I got mad at people that walked away from me.
after I got sober I realized all I did to those people is look for a pity party and a drink. never did look to them for solutions. just wanted to "vent."

as long as im aware of what is going on, I don't fall back into my old habits. i have the ability to stop anything that is happening in my life that may cause that to happen

ScottFromWI

Lots of good advice here already, but I would reinforce the need to set boundaries. And it is 100% acceptable to set them with your sobriety as the #1 priority. Guilt will happen - it's a natural consequence to making changes in your life, but nothing in life worth having is "easy" to come by.

Specific to this person, take a look at what she is really asking you for. If her idea of you "being there for her" is simply drinking with her, then you probably have just cut the cord 100%. If there is a legitimate request she has for support - like for example needing a ride to the hospital to visit a relative, or a lift to an AA meeting, or something like that then you can certainly consider helping. But if she is just mad because you aren't her drinking buddy anymore then she will have to just deal with it.

Daucuscarota

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. Lots of good advice to think about.

Yes, my life is quiet and stable now. I am so grateful that I quit before I had any major consequences, that I am free from that ball and chain (addiction to wine), and I have great plans for the future now.
Since I have avoided her ever since I quit, I believe that I may have broken our enmeshment.
I will try to support her from a distance, as her life is a disaster, in every area, and I do care about her.
I realize that very strong boundaries will be required to do this.

MarkTwain

It's normal to feel guilty, you're a caring person, but your first obligation is to support yourself at this time, not her.

(And, no, sorry, support from a distance isn't likely to work out. Just my opinion.)

Outonthetiles

Easy peasy--give the friend the link to SR, but otherwise distance yourself if he or she continues to drink.

Daucuscarota

OK. Thanks again. I greatly appreciate it.

Gottalife

"The answers will come if your own house is in order" IME.

Daucuscarota

Thank you, Gottalife. I am working on it.

Dee74

or another forum perhaps - thinking back, it would really have impeded my sharing to have someone I knew here.

D

Doug39

I really don't have any drinking buddies left. After I got married I started to hang with friends less and less and the last decade or so of my drinking was alone and/or with my wife.

My wife still drinks and we maybe hang with people that drink once a month or so and so far it hasn't been an issue.

The way I look at it is that a true friend will understand that I can't drink anymore - anyone that would judge me because I don't consume alcohol isn't someone I need in my life.

Fly N Buy

Turned out I had little in common with drinking buddies when drinking was removed. Alcohol fuels drama and continuing crisises which quickly became a drag to be around. I choose to hang with those making positive changes in their lives. Live and let live , not judging just moving on ............

August252015

Along this train of thought - good idea. I have a friend who needs to quit drinking. I know he's an alcoholic. He knows he's an alcoholic. He knows he has an open invitation to join me at a meeting anytime, or do anything else about his disease that I can help him do. I have distanced myself as far as spending time with him - we mostly communicate occasionally via text- and I do care about him a lot. He has seen 99% of my alcoholic journey. He admires my sobriety. He has to do it for himself and right now- he doesn't get a seat at my table.

Berrybean

Me too. Way I see it with my old drinking buddy, at the moment I don't have anything he wants and he doesn't have anything I want. All he wants is someone to listen to him go over and over the problem. But ultimately he wants to carry on drinking without the consequences of drinking. The day he contacts me to say he's ready to start talking about the solution I'll be there, but for now, he doesn't get a seat at my table. He's sick, and I have to remember that I have a low immunity for that kind of stuff myself and stay away from slippery people and places.

Might sound harsh to some. The people who think that are welcome to go listen to his drunken or hungover self-pity record on repeat if they believe that will help him. I don't belive for one second it does anything to help him while he still wants to drink, and I value my sobriety too much to jeopardy it.

BB