what would you do?
 

I am a 53 year old married man. I am 169 days sober after 27 years of daily drinking.

My wife is still an active alcoholic. I do not like this of course; their is always liquor in our house and we do go to a bar once a week while she drinks and I nurse a ginger ale. This really isn't a threat to my sobriety because I respect my sobriety too much to go back to the misery of alcoholism. Nevertheless I surely would be happier if alcohol was completely out of my life.

My AA sponsor knows all this and is after me to change my situation. He says I have 3 options:

A) stage an intervention

B) start going to Alanon in addition to AA

C) tell her she should go to Alanon to help deal with me - hoping this will show her that she needs AA herself.

I want to just put my situation in God's hands and let it play out on it's own but my sponsor is a man of action and he won't let up. I am trying to keep the peace at home.

What would you do?

When it all comes down to it, that sort of situation is up to me, not what anyone else says it should be.

When I tried to live with a drinker while I was sober, I took part in a Family program at a local treatment centre which was for loved ones of alcoholics. They insisted I leave my partner. I just couldn't do it at the time--I think it took me a few more years to get to that point. I had to be ready and that wasn't on anyone else's timeline.

Just like with the drinking I tried everything to be able to hang on to that relationship. Going to Alanon, living apart, none of it worked for me. When I finally accepted that I just couldn't do it and was ready/able to let go, I did and for me that meant leaving my partner. It got to the point where I felt my own sobriety was threatened.

There are other forms of letting go, they don't have to be physical and each person needs to do what they can live with and what works best for them at the time. And that can always change down the road.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I do believe your sponsor is giving you good direction. I would definitely do B. I would strongly consider A. Most importantly- MOST importantly - I would change my own behavior and not do things that do any of the following: put my sobriety in jeopardy (ie I would not go to bars with my SO, etc), support her (his, for me) alcoholism, or anything less than what I need to do to stay sober- no matter what. This includes - for me, and my fiance-to-be and I just had this conversation yesterday- leaving someone who continues to drink alcoholically; he is the love of my life, and is also an alcoholic in recovery like me, and if he started drinking again, I would leave him.

Ultimately, your sobriety is always your choice, as is hers (of her lack thereof). As we say in AA, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (her alcoholism).

For me, action would be needed here, in addition to prayer and seeking guidance. Your sponsor sounds like someone advocating for YOUR sobriety - and I know that is something I seek from mine, and sometimes have to put my ego, emotions (natural love for those important to us) and such aside so I can listen to her.

Good luck.

As someone who's spent some time on the FFA side, I have to remember the 3 Cs..


action may indeed be required - but sometimes it's not action on my part.

D

im glad youre thinkin about it doug. something im thinkin:
ya put it it Gods hands. maybe, juuuust maybe, God is speaking to ya through your sponsor.maybe, just maybe God is speaking to ya by having ya see you wold be happier without alcohol and has had your sponsor speak for Him.

just my opinion, but I would think alanon would be a great start.

you can also visit the f&f forum here,doug. there is some really awesome folks over there with a LOT of experience. more than likely you may experience over in the f&f forum what you experience in AA- people who have been in your shoes.

Sounds like some good suggestions from your sponsor. Asking her to go to AA or alanon with you would a good start. Also I would not enable any kind of drinking such as don't go to the bar with her, or anywhere else where drinking is involved when you go out. Suggest, and only go to activities where there is no drinking.
Also speaking with her directly that you know you can't stop her drinking, but would appreciate her to not have booze in the house, and if she does choose to drink, to do it elsewhere as you greatly value your sobriety, and hope she would respect that.
If things do not improve and it's starting to put your sobriety in jeopardy, then more drastic measures may be in line.

Well that is another issue. Since I don't drink I am now her designated driver. If I refuse to go to the bar she will just go alone - and then their is the risk of her driving while intoxicated and hurting herself and/or others.

I know I can't be a babysitter but if would be irresponsible to let her go out with the risk of getting in trouble. I know she would need something like this to give her a wake up call but it isn't the right thing to do.

My wife has two sisters that are severe alcoholics and one of them is on death's door (and still drinking) due to alcoholism and drug abuse - and even that won't convince my wife to quit cause she has the "I am not that bad, it won't happen to me" attitude.

I think that according to the AA Big Book
your sponsor is out of line to be meddling in your marriage.

I have a well known many years sober old guy sponsor
his nickname here locally is -- Big Book Bob
yes, he knows the book and can quote most pages
but -- THIS MAN HAS PROVEN HIMSELF TO NOT BE PERFECT
HE HAS GIVEN ME ADVICE CONCERNING MY LOVE LIFE
THAT PROVED TO BE WRONG.

M-Bob

Hi Doug,

I said this to someone else in our shoes just recently; the Friends & Family side of SR is as filled with gold as is the alcoholism side :)

I, too, have an alcoholic spouse with no interest in stopping. It has been life saving for me to understand and accept that I cannot control his choices.

If I choose to stay, I need to be able to accept his right to choose how he lives his life. I am learning how to detach with love, what boundaries are and how to "keep to my own side of the street".

There is a lot of wisdom over on F&F to help you understand your situation and how to find peace, whatever that ends up looking like for you.

:grouphug:

You can't be the babysitter, but you can take away the car keys. If she has enough money to drink she has enough money to take a cab or a bus to the bar. It's a reasonable request IMHO.

What Dee Said says so very much...
its hard kids and beans.. Eddie Lee will always be an addict and I can not change that.. I can stop the Doctors the Hospital and the people that would give him stuff that would harm him.. I can be the huge German Shepard with teeth in a snare to others that would try to step between us.. or do something with him in back of me.. my ears are sharp for sound and nose and eyes always on alert... but he has to have the ability to say. Hey this is for my Wife .. and for my well being.... I do cross my fingers a bunch.. over the weekend we went to the Wisconsin Dells.. someplace that I have been in and out of all my life.. and took him there several times in the 1990's... this time Eddie took me.. for my well being.. he knew I was wearing thin.. inside and in my Soul..Sat morning we were having a ball.. where would I like to go next. Too Jack's old place.. just one building now .. the remains of fun times lots of laughter.. my Mom an Dad and lots that have gone on ahead.. I broke into a billion bits.. he held me tight Toots don't its not good for you.. we sat in the sun and the fresh air to listen to the Wisconsin River and the boats below.. and he let me go on for several minutes on my memories..
some thing I have that he does not .. memories of very good people and times as a kid... in a safe place...
maybe if you and your young lady .... go back to some place that was that special before you stated drinking so much.. maybe to find that path of life before... would help.. her to see the problem and try to fix it.. maybe.. that is just such a huge word.... prayers a lady clown

if its not a huge issue for you then I'd just leave it be and just be an example. The old be the change you want to see in the world kinda thing (ghandi).

you can push the issue iwth her tho suggest AA etc.. but if you want peace in your house this may or may not bring it.

I worry that in time her drinking will annoy you more and more.

In my house i'm the health nut. Run eat healthy etc... My wife emotionally eats IE will eat to cope like i drank to cope. So i see this go on now and it pains me. BUt what can i do? shes my wife and maybe in time she'll come around. She tolerated all my BS for years too.

I even had the thought one day too if i where my wife would I tolerate my drinking like she did? IE would I tolerate that behaivior from her now? probably not and that kinda scares me too.

In your case tho I'd just keep in mind you cant control her or make her do anything just keep your side of the street clean. Maybe you hit a point where you say 'm not supporting this no more rides from me or something I dunno.

Her drinking is her business. I would not go to the bar with her. You could go pick her up or give her money for cab. Stop enabling her.

I have a lot of friends where on spouse does not drink. It is not an issue because the drinker knows that the non-drinker is not going out with them to the bar. Period.

As for in the house, it is her house too. Your sponser cares about you, but it is over-stepping the line to push you. Go to Alanon. Do not suggest AA to your wife. It will only **** her off. Lead by example. Perhaps she will follow your lead and seek it out on her own.

I agree with Scott. While you can't stop her from drinking, you can stop the enabling. If she wants to drink, she can call a cab, walk, or have someone else drive her. It's not your responsibility to babysit her.

Many people at AA have told me the same thing.

My sponsor means well but he really has never lived my situation; his wife was always a non drinker.

He is 72 years old and believes that the man should control the household so he doesn't identify with my situation well.

I don't have the slightest idea of what you should or shouldn't do because I don't know your situation; your sponsor knows better.

I will, however, say from the perspective of experience with sobriety the following: nursing ginger ales in bars and keeping liquor in the house might be a bigger threat at 169 days than you are estimating.

You might be a better man than I am, but, heck, I wouldn't try your approach and I haven't had a drink in more time than the 27 years you were drinking!

Well, the serenity prayer has stood me in good stead with most things...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The serenity to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I reckon B then. Am considering the same myself.

BB

Doug, I fully appreciate you're in a difficult position, not knowing what to do to guide your wife.

Your sponsor's role is to guide you through the steps, not suggest ways to run your life, that's over-stepping the mark, in my experience. Your sponsor is also, by suggesting three options only, excluding any others.

Doug, from what you wrote, it seems you're leaning on the side that you hope to make a decision that feels right in your gut, or guided by your God; action, or inaction and let things be, until you do know or feel certain how best to proceed.

Your sponsor is overstepping his role, and really shouldn't be forcing you to take an action, when you don't feel it's the right time to do so, and doesn't sit right with you (or your Gods guidance).

Doug your sponsor is clearly worried about the quality of your sobriety,he wants the best for you.He thinks you are in danger if you carry on as you are doing.That is how I read it.

He knows you better than anybody on these forums,I would take his advice.

Congrats on your sobriety. I have a similar situation as you do and I too am trying to keep the peace at home. I say if your wife's drinking does not jeopardize your sobriety then I would maybe talk to a shrink about this instead of a fellow alcoholic, regardless of his "Title" of being a "Sponsor" which to me only means he raised his hand and had some sobriety to become a sponsor. I think sponsors are the to help newbies with the process but should not be helping people with marriages. Plus, your sponsor should realize that as a rule of thumb, we should not make major decisions in our first two years of sobriety unless they are very necessary for our health and well being and our sobriety.

There was not one person who could convince me not to drink or that I had a problem. Not even a night in jail and a 2 year probation kept me from drinking. So I think you probably already know by now that your wife will drink if she wants to. I would imagine you have discussed with her that you want her to stop.

I guess the next step could be to tell her that she has a choice between the booze and you, but I would run that by a shrink or marriage couselor. I did not detect from your post that you are wanting this 'either/or' to take place since as you said you are simply, right now, trying to 'keep the peace' at home. I think what your sponsor is suggesting is the equivalent of dropping a bomb on top of a munitions storage facility if you get my drift.

BTW, sponsors are a dime a dozen. You might have a really good one, but in my humble opinion he is not giving you good advice. With my bad experience with sponsors, if I vr do the sponsor thing again, I will take the advice that I have heard from others in my home group, which is that it is not only okay to have two sponsors, but it is okay to tell the that they are temporary sponsors till they prove themselves too. Still, I personally would never trust my sobriety now to the advice and wisdom of one person ever again.

Just my thoughts....