Daughters Wedding
 

My daughter got married Saturday here in town. It was beautiful, everything went better than is could and should and I enjoyed myself to the extent that I could despite my extreme anxiety over the Father of the Bride toast. I have social anxiety on top of basic and some not so basic anxiety, add some panic in there, add some 'this guy does not like to bring attention to himself in any way, is an introvert but can fake it, and is in no way a public person (but can and does fake it all the time) and he prefers quiet alone time to being around people in general (but he can fake it)'.

Notice the numerous fake it references. Like hiding my drinking, hiding my booze, hiding everything to appear to family, friends, clients and others that I am the solid rock and foundation that I am supposed to be.

Yep, I imagine there are some of you like this reading this right now.

Anyway, I was seriously worried about drinking over this. I have one daughter and one son, so this was not practice'able, it would just happen and I would make it or not, but I would try. The main thing is that I did not drink up to the wedding, during some stressful times, I did not drink Saturday, and so far have not drank up till this moment. And God willing, I will make it to tomorrow without having drank today. If so, it was a great and blessed day.

Just had to do this brain dump. I imagine I will be hitting a meeting (AA) this afternoon, I need one, or 10.

Not once did anyone ask how I was doing, if I was worried about drinking, or anything else. I was not sure if this was the stereotypical "Father of the bride" being in the background thing (since it is really not his day), or if no one even thought that I might have drinking on my mind, which I did. Yet, mission accomplished, since I don't like any attention on me, so I got what I wanted I guess. The main thing was that I did not make anything about me, I think I played the part of dad as it should have been played, the toast went fine (I did not pass out or throw up or break down), and it was all a blur in a way. I am not sure if the 'blur' part is alcoholism related, but the entire weekend was like a dream, a little fuzzy, like I was on the outside looking in. It seems like others, like my wife, were able to be 'normal' and 'present'.

I am experiencing a HUGE letdown that I am very careful of right now. This is so similar to drinking on my 29, or 59th day, sabotaging my anniversary dates, or making the dates then drinking to sabotage the good that I did. Among other things I am a sabotage drinker, I drink because I have a hard time accepting good things, I drink from fear, so all in all, I was/am able to make ANYTHING about my drinking, which for the real alcoholic, maybe in a way we are not like this.

But I used all my tools, I kept it not about me, I took a lot of 'me' breaks to walk around alone in peace during the event, said a lot of little prayers of thanks, and never forgot to remember that,

"This too shall pass, and it always does". And it did. And I enjoyed my daughters wedding sober, a little stressed, but I did my toast and really enjoyed our father daughter dance, I talked to everyone that I could (really out of my comfort zone), and now feel like I need to be alone for a few days, except for this forum and AA, and having to be somewhere when it comes up.

Thank you for letting me brain dump this morning. It was VERY necessary. I really feel like I am on fragile shifting ground, so I will be taking it moment by moment today.

Just don't drink. Let this be your daughters time and not about you. You don't want any attention on this drinking issue anywhere near this wedding.

Remember the stove is hot and that's why we don't touch the burners and the same we should be with alcohol.

Yep, like I carefully said, no one has a hint of how I feel or how I felt. I hid it stellarly (if I can be self centered enough to say that), I took care of business, had fun, but made it 0% about me, as it should have been and should always be. I think everyone close to me thinks I have drinking issues anymore, which is my mission accomplished. I keep it to myself, to this forum, to AA, and to a VERY few select Very close and Very dear friends, in fact, there really is only one person who knows what I went through and go through. I think we should all be blessed to have a person like that in our lives who accepts us for who we are, despite our warts and weakness, and they acknowledge our little victories and do not judgmentally comment or pacify us when we are in need.

Good Comment Clean30, rest assured, didn't drink, won't drink, and the mask is still on and being effectively worn. :)

Good job whodathunk....and glad you came here. Isolating in itself is a dangerous thing - I have done so both with my addiction and my anxiety. Talking things through is very, very important rather than ruminating on it. I think an AA meeting would be a great idea as well.

Out of curiosity, have you ever sought professional help for your anxiety?

God Bless You Whoda! You did it. You have a right to be proud of it. To the people that ask why...you are behaving as you should...the WHY is because addiction is a very hard thing to break and you DID IT! No one in your family knows me...this is a WAY TO GO!! From me to you. <3

Thanks Scott and MsCooter! And yes, I have sought professional help for many years, have had professional help for many years, and will continue getting professional help (I would imagine) for many years. I take Zoloft which helps. I guess conversely, you should be around me when I am not on Zoloft, it would be quite the three ring circus I am sure. If I ever quit my meds you can have the 'concessions license' and sell a **** ton of popcorn and peanut M&M's and soft drinks. Alcohol will not be permitted at my circus!

That's really great whodathunk :)

D

....and SCREW YOU my alcoholic friends!

Well done. You got through a massive day. I wonder if that feeling of let down is just the absence of adrenaline after what has been a very exciting period. Not just the big day itself, but the build up as well. Perhaps you'll get a kind of January Blues and would benefit from planning some smaller scale excursion or something so there's something new to look forward to.

I reckon it's pretty normal for people to be focussing on the couple on the big day, so nothing personal with no one asking you specifically how you are. They might have even resisted doing so because it would seem a little strange to do so.

Anyway. At least there are no drunken recriminations to deal with. You didn't do or say anything that you might have done drunk. That in itself is a blessing when I think back to many weddings I've been at.

You did good, and I bet your daughter was very happy that you could support her as you did. Now it's just a case of getting used to normality again, and keeping on top of any feelings of restlessness, irritability and discontentment that might stem from the lack of anticipation after everything being so wedding-focussed for a while. I've heard plenty of parents of brides say that don't know what to do with themselves once the wedding has passed and there are no longer all those jobs to do.

Congratulations again.
BB