puddlejumper70

I've been attending a few AA meetings each week for about two months now and I've found two in particular that I'm beginning to favor. In both, I've been asked by a few individuals if I had a sponsor, which I took as their tacit offer to be mine.

As I'm starting to get more comfortable opening up, I'm a little hesitant to be in the same group considering how much will have to be revealed to him/them in the future (which will be a while). It seems like there should be a boundary but maybe I'm way off?

hellrzr

Just so you have a reference, in my group we are expected to attend 4 meetings a week and see our sponsor at 2 of those meetings. One of those meetings should also be our home group and definitely one we see our sponsor at. Sometimes it works out that you can only meet at one meeting and that should be the home group each week.

So seeing your sponsor at meetings is completely normal and actually expected from my experience. There is absolutely nothing that I have ever told my sponsor that would give me any concern about him sharing with anyone at a meeting, or anyone at all besides his sponsor in case he actually needs some advice on how to advice me. When this has happened though he tells me about so nothing is said behind my back. If you can't trust your sponsor completely than you should get another sponsor.

fini

puddlejumper,
it's usual to share a meeting with a sponsor person, since most of us "find" the sponsor from a meeting we attend.
i remember feeling a bit awkward about the same situation as you, and think te point about trust is well taken.
but more important for me was the "our stories disclose in a general way...." from the BB.
in a general way. that is my boundary. with my sponsorperson i shared in detail and specifics, and at the meeting i keep it very general.

Done4today

The meeting that I am the secretary. My sponsor attends, his sponsor attends, and his sponsor's sponsor attends. All the stuff you will share with your sponsor they have shared with theirs. The more time sober and time in meetings hearing different shares. You will realize that your secrets are the same as ours once were. Good luck and many prayers.

Gottalife

I liked attending meetings that my sponsor was at, because I loved the way he shared. We didn't go together, and he only went to two a week, and I liked both of them. But my home group, such as it was, was one he didn't attend. We didn't really have functioning groups, more just meetings that called themselves a group, but only existed for one and a half hours a week.

My sponsor work was done away from the meetings at my sponsor's home. Not a single thing did he ever discuss with anyone else. I dont know of any rule or suggestion that your sponsor has to come from your home group, or that you have to attend meetings with your sponsor all the time. Sponsorship and working the program, are completely different things to meeting attendance.

tomsteve

there is a boundary- a sponsor is to be closed mouthed about what a sponsee shares with them.
but as for attending meetings? I cant say who can or cant attend the meetings I attend. best thing for me was to be at meetings my sponsor was at. I could hear him be open about his past and see how that didn't bother him. AND how it helped others.

Grungehead

I met my first sponsor at a meeting we both attended regularly. This meant that at least once a week I was assured of getting some face time with him. Our routine was to meet about an hour and a half ahead of time at a coffee shop/book store about a mile from the meeting to catch up on how our week was going and do step work before heading over to the meeting. I wouldn't worry about a sponsor sharing anything you tell him in confidence to anyone else (especially in a meeting) without your permission.

August252015

My experience has been much like Gottalife's here. I did meet m sponsor at my home group and while I cannot attend all three days every week, and our work together is primarily done separate from the meeting I too get a lot from what she shares. We often discuss stuff from those meetings afterwards/on our own. Because of my schedule and because it was suggested to me early on as a good idea, I go to a different and larger clubhouse for the rest of my weekly meetings (I typically find my sweet spot is 4-6 a week to keep me straight). I do see familiar faces from my home group and one thing I strongly believe is that regular meetings are important for long time sober folks who have what I want.

IMO and IME finding a good sponsor for you - one who teaches you, is a resource with knowledge beyond yours, who calls you out when needed, those sorts of things- and with whom you can communicate are the key parts, not anything to do with meetings together or separate except as an added bonus and source of first-hand, mutual experience.

Lastly, we are all best off when sharing our ESH (not advising or identifying others) and can use phrases like "something I heard the other day" or "I was thinking" "I was talking to my sponsor about" etc about something we shared with a specific person without disclosing who that person was, or sharing any confidence in an inappropriate manner. What you discuss with your sponsor should absolutely be in confidence.

Berrybean

Once I'd told my sponsor more about myself I went from feeling slightly wrong-footed (potentially) by disclosure, to feeling that she was a very strong ally.

I chose my sponsor because I'd seen how she conducts herself at meetings. She talks a bit about herself, or if invited, about the person she is speaking to. She will never gossip. Ever. The closest to that she might get is asking if someone is okay if she's concerned about them and wonders if she can be useful.

I often ask people if they have a sponsor. It is not because I'm thinking that I could do the job for them. More in the hopes that they are considering deepening their AA recovery, because I firmly believe that it's through working with a sponsor and doing the step work that I learned to apply my program to all areas of my life, which is exactly what I needed to do. Sitting in meetings is lovely, but not a replacement for working my own program on a daily basis. I know, because I put it off for so long. I thought that only people who drank daily or who were on the brink of a relapse needed to do the steps. Now I know it's more to do with the quality of my sobriety, recovery, life and relationships than just about whether I'd drink if I didn't do it.

If you are thinking of getting a sponsor, I'd suggest thinking about whose long term and sustained recovery you'd like for yourself. Then ask that person. Doesn't matter if they've never offered or hinted or even shown an interest in you. Just because someone is keen to sponsor you, doesn't make em the right person necessarily. My sponsor had barely spoken 2 words directly to me when I asked her. Her response was instantaneous. "I wondered when you were going to ask! And the answer is yes, but I have some rules...." Lol. Straight down the line and no messing about. I knew I'd picked the right person because I definitely need someone who won't put up with nonsense or excuses, and will spot (and call me out on) and rationalisation or BS. I suppose looking back it was her integrity and self-discipline that I admired and envied, and her calmness. Serenity I suppose. And under her guidance I'm getting more integrity and self-discipline myself. Slowly but surely. So it's working out.

Doug39

Every week I go to 3 lead meetings and and 3 discussion group meetings.

The 3 lead meetings are with my sponsor. My sponsor is not at any of the discussion group meetings.

I didn't plan to do this - it just worked out that way. I don't think I would be comfortable with my sponsor being at a discussion group meeting with me. My sponsor has over 32 years of sobriety and he does everything strictly by the book - I guess I feel like he would judge me if I said something wrong.

Bird615

As for confidences , there are some things I could never have spoken about in a meeting or told my sponsor, but those things did come out in a 5th step with member of the clergy experienced in hearing Step 5 and was a complete stranger.

Other than that, I attended some meetings with sponsors and also visited over coffee or spoke to them on the phone regularly. They were women I could trust with confidences of my everyday life as they taught me about the program and guided me through the steps.

I asked people who had a quality of sobriety I admired and who I could somewhat identify with.

puddlejumper70

Thanks everyone

Whodathunk

I have had two sponsors and fired them both. I love AA and just finished a noon meeting, but what I have learned in my almost 6 years of going to meetings is that while we say "What we say here stays here", well, it's not always true. There is no liability or actual confidentiality in AA. So for myself if I want something private I don't discuss it. That bing said, in our group it is normal to have sponsors in the meetings with their sponsee's.

I will never do any step work with a sponsor again, but I do step work in a way with my shrink. If she ever talks about me to anyone she can be in big trouble due to patient doctor confidentiality.

ThatWasTheOldMe

You don't have to tell anyone anything.
If the person is pushy, tell him you have close-mouthed friends and you're fine.

Fly N Buy

It was suggested when I started AA I do three things;

Pray
Go to Meetings
Be totally honest with at least one other person

Frankly, I hear some friends share things in meetings I never would. There's an old joke involving a tent revival and testimony people are sharing.

Tell it all brother, tell it all!!!
One gent yells out - I slept with a goat!!!

Dead silence ensued - crickets chirping.

Preacher muttered........I don't believe I would told that.


Early in sobriety I greatly admired my sponsor. Soon thereafter, I had several resentment towards him. Today I enjoy his company and friendship. He knows my truths, mostly. He knows who I am but perhaps not every mundane detail of vileness.

puddlejumper70

I'm not really too ashamed to admit what I've done in front of others. But I'm really only comfortable talking in one particular meeting of about 10-12 people, while uncomfortable talking in the larger groups --particularly if I see the same people at different locations.

When I say I'm comfortable revealing things, that means things I did while drunk, not the critical self-analysis and feelings that caused me to drink. Just as a guy in general, it never occurred to me to try and understand these things, let alone tell someone else.

After this last binge, I did go into this with my oldest sister w/o any real reservations. That said, I'd be uncomfortable with her being in a meeting with me when I told others. I don't know if that makes sense, but that is how I feel about going to regular meetings with a sponsor (as I understand their role thus far).

Mountainmanbob

Although there are no set requirements, in my early sobriety I saw my sponsor prox 3 or 4 times each week at meetings. And then after the meetings we would go to his house and study the Big Book. I was torn up from all of the drinking (and other things).

M-Bob