Wholesome

These are questions for those with long time sobriety. What would you say was the most important thing you did to recreate yourself? Or brought you contentment and satisfaction? How did you make new sober friends who aren't necessarily also in recovery? How did you fill all the time you were left with after quitting? I guess the heart of my question is how did you go from being sober to being recovered?

doggonecarl

I work on my faith, for a cornerstone of spirituality.
I work on giving of myself, on volunteering, for a cornerstone of compassion, and caring for others.
I focus on my relationship with my wife, for a cornerstone of love.

That 's what my recovery rest on.

2ndhandrose

To start, I lived my first year of sobriety with low expectations of myself. By that, I mean that I wasn't going to put pressure on myself to do much more than heal. I understood that my body and my brain needed time to heal so that was my gift to myself, sufficient healing time.

It turns out I really needed that time as I believe I had a serious case of PAWS!

I have spent a lot of time reading threads on SR as the knowledge and wisdom here is astounding. I read things over and over until they really started to sink in and I could relate them to my own self.

My biggest change has probably been accepting responsibility for myself. For seeing my part in my troubles and to stop looking outside for the causes. It has made a huge difference to be open to new ideas and ways of looking at things.

I started to apply myself more and more to my favourite hobbies, scrapbooking, reading, writing. Those things bring me great pleasure and it feels so good to care for myself in a healthy way.

I started to renew my relationship with God. I am so thankful for His patience!

I started to renew my family relationships that I had allowed to deteriorate and outright tried to destroy. I am also thankful for their patience!

Also, gratitude for all that I have been through to bring me to this place in my life.

And I gave it all time. I expect this journey to go on until my last breath so I am trying to be patient and let time take time.

ScottFromWI

That's the million dollar question right there - several of them actually;-)

My immediate advice would be to not try and solve all of them at once. It is going to take time - months, maybe even years to do all the things you bring up, so you have to set realistic goals.

For me, the most important piece of the equation was acceptance. By that I mean first and foremost accepting my addiction. I fully accept that I am an addict/alchoholic and that I cannot drink alcohol anymore, in any amount. And I'm fine with that. How did I do that? I don't think there is a bulleted list or step by step instruction manual available, but I did it through talking with people here on SR, reading a LOT, seeing a therapist and starting to take care of myself better physically AND mentally. Trying to eat better, getting exercise and even some mindfulness and meditation really helped me to ground myself. And to realize that alcohol and me are not the focal point of the universe ( contrary to what I used to think! ). There is a whole world out there to explore and most people do it without drinking at all or drinking very little along the way.

Doug39

I am only about five and a half months sober but I have made major changes in my life.

One year ago if you would have told me that I would be sober, going to AA six days a week, going to church every Sunday, praying constantly, meditating, going to night school, helping others, exercising, and hanging around with sober positive people, I would have told you that you were crazy.

One year ago I was a miserable, anxious, depressed drunk living a negative existence full of self pity. Miracles do happen.

2ndhandrose

That merits a little applause!

Wholesome

Yeah acceptance that I was truly alcoholic and needed to quit for good took me a long time. Actually that's not true. I knew. I just didn't want to do anything about it, I wasn't prepared to change, what I wanted was to try to find a way to keep drinking. But I'm there now and I am prepared to do whatever is necessary. If I have to make all new friends, find all new activities then so be it. If I have to sit with my unpleasant feelings, take ownership of my mistakes, heal damaged relationships. Whatever, I'm in.

I'm finding that I'm not as productive as I'd like to be, all I do it think about what I need to do and then get overwhelmed and don't do any of them. I have ideas about how to meet new people or fill all this time, but again all I do it think about it. I guess I feel like I need to start taking more action and stop being so fearful. I've spent my whole adult life until now building a life that supported the lifestyle of partying and I'm intimidated by the magnitude of making these changes so I get paralyzed.

I'm having some PAWS too. I get wicked headaches. Not every day and it's manageable. I'm ok with it as I know it's my body healing from how I polluted myself for all this time.

Number one for me right now is how to build a social life. Most of my current friendships are really just drinking buddies, without that we will grow apart, it's already happening. And again it's fear holding me back, I don't want to be lonely but I also don't want to put myself out there. Drinking was such an easy way to meet new people. Writing this out is making me see that it's also a self-esteem thing, I don't feel good enough.

I think I need to start picking one thing and just make myself push through the apprehensions and fear and believe that it will be kinetic. Stop being such a Nervous Neddy! Volunteering is a good idea. I know where I'd like to do it too, there's a woman's shelter and a humane society close by and those are both things that I'd feel good about contributing to.

bigguyslimm

I filled my time with learning new things. If I thought came to my head I would research it online. I also started to love nature. I'd go for walks, did a lot of gardening, and got really into eating a clean healthy diet. I know that boredom is hard to deal with for anyone. We have to find things to do that we enjoy.

doggonecarl

Paralysis by analysis. You aren't going to change your life by thinking about changing your life. You change your life by doing something about it.

My job sent us to Stephen Covey training. Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, formed a company that provides both training and productivity tools to individuals and to organizations. You might ask, what does that have to do with recovery. Not much, but it does have to do with getting the things you want in life, turning thinking into action. We had training about the importance of identifying our values and goals, and then creating objectives to meet those goals. You want to met people, you set objectives to do that. Scheduling events you can attend, classes, coffee shop visits, whatever. Plan it, carry it out.

Good luck.

Wholesome

Yes that's exactly right, action, not just thoughts and words.

MissPerfumado

Absolutely. I re-read Covey's 7 Habits at the end of my first year of sobriety and it was a profound and grounding exercise. I think his ideas have a lot to do with recovery and with identifying a deeper purpose in recovery.

zjw

I'm gonna try to respond without speaking directly to all your points tho I think it could help to rip your posts apart and say more.

But in the effort of saving time I guess from looking at your situation and compareing it to how i was and what i went through etc. and kinda taking a view from a distance i'd say the following.

I understand how the overwhelmed overthing thinking it thing can be. I was facing tons of anxiety and any stupid little thing i had to do became an incredibly huge undertaking. it still kinda is i jsut have more practice now.

I would not rush it. I myself did not exactly go out of my way looking for ways to "recreate" myself or "fill some void" or "start some new routine" i did not really "go get new friends" either. The friends thing is a tricky one I dont have many local then nor now so take what I have to say there with little weight lol.

I think to step out in your new life and say I'm going to now do this or I'm going to now try and take up this or meet these new people etc.. I'd say dont try and do too much too fast keep in mind if your anythihng like the rest of us you might be easily overwhelmed and be overthinking it and well it might not be really comfortable to step out of your comfort zone so doing that too much could be tough. But it is something one should do but gracefully go witht he flow allow things to unfold and dont feel as if you have to be committed or attached to any new friend or thing your going to try and do. Its ok to not like stuff and just go do soemthing else. etc.. I geuss dont bite off more then you can chew or worry yourself silly over it.

I did not know this then. But if i look back at my journey. I'd say fixing my diet exercising and getting into running where good things. Becuase drinking and booze dont really work well with those things. So I could be 1 or the other but not both. So when faced with the thought of drinking i can ask myself. Do you want to be healthy? do you want to run long distance? well you cant have it both ways so how much is that drink worth to you. I think this has a way of helping me stay on the right track.

I found lots of stupid hobbies along the way. and by stupid i mean stuff most people would be like WTF. for example i know more then the average person should know about kerosene heaters (dont ask) but ya know it occupied my time and interested me then i moved on to the next dumb thing.

I guess things like that kept me busy and there was no big expectation out of me with them. I did it for my own personal enjoyment and pleasure and it made ME feel good about ME. which helped lift my spirits out of hte pit i was in when i got sober.

One thing i'd say is if there is something your good at. no matter how stupid it is. Do it a lot. why? becuase its gonig to make you feel good about yourself and that goes a long long way. From there if you want to do something your not so good at that will also make you feel good about yourself too as you improve.

I dunno zen go with the flow. Its a ride try to enjoy it?

I think it was the book the alchemist where he talks about paying attention to the omens along your path. Point is watch your journey watch the road signs etc.. just worry about the steps in front of you the rest just kinda unfolds in time.

2ndhandrose

I really like your whole post zjw

Zenchaser

Wholesome

Yeah that was an awesome post zjw. Thanks!! I've been thinking about joining the gym again and I've been working out at home sporadically. I'm going to go sign myself up tomorrow. I like yoga but the studios are so expensive, like $20+ a class, those are for the wealthy women! I need to make fitness more of a priority, it really does help. Frankly my diet sucks right now, I've been allowing myself to eat whatever I want, like I just had pizza two nights in a row lol.

I've been watching a ton of tedtalks. Ones about the brain, behaviour, addiction, tech stuff.

I guess I feel like I'm ready to stop being such a homebody, that was what I did when I was drinking.

I've been rekindling my relationship with my sister. I pushed her away during the last few years when she needed me most so I'm trying to make amends there. There are a few relationships from my past who I moved away from because they didn't drink and I didn't want people close to me who would disapprove or judge my drinking. I think making an effort to reconnect with those girls would be a good thing, we go way back and if I was honest with them I believe they would understand.

I like to knit and there is a yarn store in my neighbourhood that has knitting circles. I've thought about going and joining in but I never actually do it. That would be a good safe environment with women of all ages. I need new yarn right now so one day this week I'm going to do it.

Things to do this week. Join the gym. Go to the knitting circle. Call one of my old friends. Order the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People.

I have this old guitar that I got with the intention of teaching myself that has been collecting dust in the corner for like 5 years. Maybe I'll look into some lessons because even though I can read piano music I was lost trying to figure out guitar music.

I should really start a journal too because it is really helpful to write this stuff out. I like lists where I can check things off. I think I should start structuring my time more and get some goals. It's easy to come home and turn on the tv and just do the minimum.

2ndhandrose

Hi zenchaser, you have a great to do list of activities lined up!

I would say, even if you focused on just one or two things on your list, it may feel more achievable.

In my experience, when I set up too many expectations, too quickly, none of it gets done and a feeling of failure sets in.

Just sharing my experience, I know we all have our own approach!

You sound really positive, zenchaser, and that is a great thing

Algorithm

I would really question where the idea of not being recovered is coming from, zenchaser. The feeling that it is not really over yet is part of addiction, but it is also Addictive Voice, since it suggests the possibility of drinking some more alcohol.

Set your confidence level arbitrarily at 100%, and recognize all self-doubt as the Addictive Voice itself. Let the Beast count time since ITs last drink. Remember that recovery is effortless for you, but a frightening, painful experience for your Beast.

Try saying the following to yourself:

I am zenchaser. I am me -- a human being. I am not my addiction, or a desire for alcohol. I never drink. IT, and not I, wants to drink. Too bad for IT. I am a human being, and I abstain, therefore I am.

Wholesome

Haha yeah that's what I mean about thinking of ALL the things I want to do or should do and then not doing them! Joining the gym, going to the knitting circle, reading a book, and making a phone call/text/ email, are manageable though. Now I've been thinking about all the closets, corners of the house that I should organize, fix it up projects that I've been putting off. I get to where I end up just saying ef it and plopping down on the couch. That's the kind of thinking I used to use to say ef it let's have a beer.

It's reminding me of when my son was having problems in math and I got him a tutor who taught him how to chuck a problem. Instead of getting overwhelmed with the totality of it, he learned to break it down into smaller manageable steps, Maybe if I approached like that. Identifying a bigger long term goal like getting back into shape or learning an instrument, and then other smaller goals like just getting out of the house more, or picking one project around the house at a time and then moving on to the next after it's done. I have to watch this whole all or nothing attitude too. The addict in me loves immediate gratification, I want it to happen NOW! I've got to learn to be patient too, without using it as an excuse to be lazy if that makes sense.

Fly N Buy

What I get from your OP is this; How do I find happiness?

As I have very few original thoughts yet am a collector of others shared wisdom, maybe this will be useful for your consideration. It was in a "thought for the day" that I read each morning.

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

– Eleanor Roosevelt

It is only immature people who believe, “I am separate; therefore, I can manipulate you, even exploit you, to ensure my own happiness.”

To think that we can pursue joy as a collector pursues butterflies, seeking it here and there, is folly. We can never go after joy because joy has got to come after us.

It’s like the horizon. When you look from the Berkeley hills, the horizon looks as if it is just beyond the Golden Gate. You honestly believe that if you go there, you will reach the horizon. But as you pursue it, it recedes farther and farther, and that is the nature of pleasure. It peeps out from the store, the restaurant, the bank, but when you enter there you will find it recedes farther and farther.

When we begin to seek a higher goal – for the welfare of our family and community – joy slowly tiptoes after us. We don’t have to say to joy, “Excuse me, will you please come to my house?”

Joy will come and put her suitcase down and say, “I am going to be here, whether you like it or not.”

That is how happiness comes.

Thanks for the thread, Zen

Wholesome

Yes I see that. There IT is. IT's all through my thought processes about what it takes to be recovered. I'm still thinking that there is some magical thing that others have that I need to riddle out to fix myself. You're right! Damn.

Wholesome

That's a really beautiful quote Fly N Buy. Thanks!