I hate myself
 

I hate myself that's the truth. I hate everything I've done to myself . I hate myself for drinking over and over again even though its destroying my life . I hate that my whole pathetic life has become about alcohol I just cant take it anymore . I stop sometimes for a few weeks but there's always some reason to start drinking again , to celebrate , because I'm happy/sad because other people are drinking.

I always think it will be different maybe this time I can just drink like other people and be normal but I cant

I'm at a point now where I just drink to forget everything,
the memories are too painful, it hurts to think of everything I've destroyed because of alcohol . I play the victim now as well "poor me my life has been so hard that's why I drink ".
sometimes I think about ending it all because I don't want to live like this anymore . I don't think there's any coming back from this now its gone to far , I think it would be easier just to stay drunk 24/7 so that I never have to face reality . even if I do stop drinking id still hate myself for what I've done .

I think I'm truly lost now .

Well, I think that for many of us on this site, acceptance that drinking is just not good for us, that we can't drink like other people, is key to recovery.
You don't have to end it. You have to begin it. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Seriously, alcohol is overrated.

No drunkgirl- life is not just about 24/7 numbing out reality. With life- there is that spark of hope. That is why you posted. Keep posting. If you want to self harm- can you get to an ER? Post here- all day/night if you have to. I know about the depths of despair. Of sadness, loneliness, horror- pain. There is more to life. You are worth more than that.
Empathy and support to you. Do not drink anymore. PJ

That is what I found too. I think all of us did. Remember that drinking is the reason you feel like you do...it causes depression. You CAN quit and get out of this vicious cycle, but you have to make the effort and want to do it.

If you are truly at a loss for what to do, perhaps it's time to consider something like inpatient rehab?

thanks everyone sorry I'm at a low point right now , don't worry I'm not going to do anything yet but I like to think of it as an option if things get bad enough

Have you ever gone to an AA meeting or spoken to an alcohol/drug counselor? There are a lot of free hotlines you can call too if you are having bad thoughts.

I've also just started going out with a guy I met and he's always drunk and he buys me alcohol so we can get drunk together , it sounds crazy but I don't think he would want to go out with me anymore if I didn't drink.

There is hope for you, drunkgirl (deargirl) :grouphug:

There is hope for you and for me. I was you. I hated myself, I loathed my very being. I believed everything about my life was too painful to face.

Once I removed alcohol (the one thing I believed made my life bearable), slowly and bit by bit the lies that my addiction would have me believe started to become clear.

It hasn't always been easy but it has been so worth it.

I understand, I really do.

:grouphug:

For me, alcohol is lousy for the things that you are talking about using it for. It doesn't numb me enough to forget what concerns me, it's like having surgery without enough anesthetic. If I drink enough to forget it's a blackout, with it's own attendant set of problems and of course the brutal hangover.

I finally had to really quit, no matter how uncomfortable, and let the chips fall where they may. The cure had become worse than the disease. Since then, I've found that reality is better. The shame of being a drunk fades out. I won't totally forget, lest I start to drink again but it doesn't have to rule my life.

Keep coming back here. This is a good place to figure it out and get the support that your drinking friends can never give you.

thank you

its nice to know someone knows what I'm going through :)
even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I've lost hope things can be better

It does sound crazy, but then again addiction is crazy. To be honest I think you need to probably quit seeing him...so whether he wants to go out with you or not is kind of irrelevant. If you keep drinking bad things are going to happen to you, so you need to get away from people who promote it.

How old are you?

Things can always be better. Anyone can get sober if they truly want to. Have you called your local AA hotline or your doctor to see if they can help?

your probably right the only thing is I really like this guy, I feel torn I want to change my life for the better but I don't want to be alone anymore , I don't think I could bare it . I'm scared if I stop drinking I'll stop going out and meeting people .

I'm 19 ,I know pretty young to be in such a state

That's a common fear, but it's totally untrue. Your addiction would love to have you believe it though. There's a lot of fear involved with drinking to be certain.

It seems you are at what a lot of us called the "bargaining" stage with your addiction right now. You are working very hard to find reasons why you can't stop or why you should keep drinking, but deep down you know that drinking itself is the problem. Pretty much everything bad that is happening to you right now is a direct result of you drinking alcohol. All the other stuff ( relationships, depression, etc ) is CAUSED by the drinking. And you cannot fix any of it until you stop drinking.

There is a way out though. Seek help like you are doing here now, and seek help locally. You are never too young or too old to quit.

I was where you're at at 19. I was well on my way there at 16.

I didn't sober up until 21 when I just could not take it anymore. I hated myself, I hated my life and one day in the middle of a binge, I just knew that if I didn't stop drinking I was going to die. I saw then that I couldn't live with alcohol and I couldn't live without it.

And even though I figured life was pretty much over if I stopped drinking and was going to be dull and boring, I got help to stop anyway.

After being stopped for a while, I learned that my life actually began when I surrendered and chose sobriety. Although I couldn't see it at first, life got better beyond what I could have even imagined.

About 8-9 weeks ago when I began going to AA after a brutal bender, I attended a large group in a hospital gymnasium. There were probably 50-60 visitors and sitting at a table were two young women in their early to mid-twenties (one was the other's sponsor), and they facilitated the meeting.

They both told some very hairy tales of their past; their despair, suicidal thoughts, the feeling of hopelessness.. you name it. After genuinely surrendering themselves to the fact that they could no longer drink, they sought help in the program. Long story short, both women graduated college, in relationships with good, sober men, and were grateful for every day they had. You can find women like this in your area and they can help you. Take the initiative to make something happen :)

thank you everyone I'm going to take you r advice and call up some numbers it definitely wont hurt

right now though I'm going to go lie down, I've just got off a three day bender and I'm not feeling too hot ...

REMEMBER HALTS. Food, hydrate, sleep.