Stuck
 

My problems are still pretty mild since I’m not physically dependent. I don't drink often, once or twice a month is pretty much it. However the goal is always to get drunk... Given that I'm 20, it could be completely normal.
What makes it a problem is that although I don't drink that often I always think about it. So when I finally do it, it's because I gave up.

Anxiety is a major trigger. Whenever it kicks in my brain just goes like ‘’ Drink, drink, drink, drink ! ‘’ . Although some other times it’s random.

Since I know it can’t possibly lead anywhere good, I fight these thoughts as much as I can. It gets really hard sometimes, because a part of me doesn’t care where I could end up if I decide to keep drinking. If I listened to this part, I would probably be drunk right now as I’m typing.

After a while I accepted that I need help. This is where I’m stuck, now. I have tricks to distract my mind when the need to drink gets overwhelming, but as things are right now it can only last for so long. I figured telling my parents could be a great way to start getting additional support since I live with them (they have no idea...). The thing is, that’s it : I can’t bring myself to do it.

I was always reluctant to speak about my problems, but this time it’s not the only reason. If I speak, they will probably keep an eye on me and that will make drinking a lot harder. I don’t really want this to happen, it makes me anxious just to think about it. I’m staying sober one day at a time, I’m not thinking further than that because the thought of having to stay sober for weeks, for months… Makes me want to give up right away.

I feel like I’m at this point where it’s either I speak about it or I sink in it but I’m stuck and I can’t make a move.

I would argue that you've already made a move by coming here to talk about it, welcome to SR! You will find a lot of information and experience here to help you make your decision. There's no minimum drinking /volume requirement to make quitting a good decision.

WELCOME. Read, post, learn, grow.

I was a bige drinker. My binges were quite close together towards the end, and would have been continuous if I didn't get so sick. About 4 days full on was the best I could manage. If I could have, I would have been a continuously topped up kind drinker but I lacked the control

The trouble was, once I started, I could not guarantee my behaviour nor when I would stop. I could easily have killed someone. I had some scary experiences. They didn't help. There always came the time where those memories faded, to the extent that I would think this time I will be in control. This time I will just relax and enjoy myself. It almost never worked out.

And that is alcoholism. Not about the quantity or the frequency, but about being in control and making sane choices. Control and choice.

I had already introduced myself back in february. I did figure not many would remember me though, since I only post ever so rarely :peek :oops:

Thanks anyways for the second wave of welcomes :)

It's so unfair to see that many of my friends party most of the time and don't seem to have a problem with it while I was always careful and I still ended up being the one stuck with the problem.

A great part of why I'm not drinking myself into oblivion is because I'm penniless. Of course if I really want to I can always find a way, but I can't just grab my card and go buy alcohol anytime I want. I got about 20$ in my bank account at the moment. I went very close to spend it all on beer lately. I kept wondering what the hell I was doing, walking all the way up to the convenience store. Luckily once I was inside I ended up not even daring to look at the beer corner, grabbing a random bag of chips and getting out as soon as I could.

And now I keep thinking about the fact that my parents are going on vacation soon and when they go they always leave me money in case something happens. A part of me really wants to spend it on booze. I guess my next challenge will be not to.

Crazy, you sound much more mature than most 20 year olds. The fact that you are recognizing you may be in trouble this early on in life is such a gift. I wish I would have had an epiphany when I was only 20... Good job and I'm very proud of you for coming here and opening up.

Twice a month during my 20's sounds familiar. As does every weekend in my 30's. Then nearly every day in my 40's. And finally, I remember waking up with a hangover from hell every damn morning of my life sometime after I turned 50.

:tyou