Trying to get sober at 22 and still struggling very hard to accept that I can't drink like others
 

Hey everyone,

I realized about two months ago that I most likely have a serious problem with alcohol. I went through a really difficult breakup and turned to alcohol to medicate for weeks. It ended with me going through extremely painful withdrawal and spending the night in the hospital.

Before that point, there were signs of a potential problem along the way, but alcohol had never really made my life "unmanageable" before then. When things got bad, I immediately went to AA and managed about two weeks of sobriety--the longest I had gone without drinking in years.

Once the stress of the breakup and other things in my life subsided, the thought crossed my mind: "Maybe that was just a one-time episode of heavy drinking following some difficult things going on in my life. Maybe drinking would be a little safer now."

Shortly after that, I slipped up, went out drinking with my friends a few times, and everything was alright--I had a great time, was social, met a really nice girl, handled myself well and didn't overdo it.

A few days later, though, I was doing some studying alone in a cafe and thought, "a beer would be nice right now--nothing crazy, just a few drinks". It started out fine, but as soon as the drinks wore off, I got more. I ended up finishing two bottles of wine at home alone, fell down and hurt myself, made some embarrassing phone calls, and woke up the next day surrounded by regret and empty bottles.

Today, I was studying again in a cafe and saw a bunch of people my age having fun over a few drinks. I just don't understand WHY I can't drink like them, like I used to be able to.

I know that this is probably typical of someone new in recovery to say, but I just don't understand WHY I can't drink like my friends.

Alcohol was a such a big part of my social life for so long, and now that I have to face the possibility of cutting it out of my life for good, I really just don't know where to start as far as rebuilding my social life.

Any advice at all, especially from others who got sober at an early age, would be sincerely appreciated.

Genuinely I think it can be much harder at a young age. Bit then it sounds as though your experiences have already been pretty gruesome. Withdrawal with hospitalisation is no laughing matter.

I know there are some folks here who got sober young and some meetings in city centres especially have a younger profile. Maybe reach out to folks with similar experience to yours.

End of the day you don't have to be 40 50 or 60 to qualify as an alcoholic. The youngest I have met personally was 14...I myself was 30 when I sobered up and considered by many to be 'Young'.

Some folks feel theyre too young, some that they're too old...there is no magic age that's 'just right' to get sober.

Credit to you if you can take this chance to save yourself further pain

P

This thread might help (link below)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6385299

I got sober at 22. Lots of people do and we are the lucky ones. I had lost all my friends, hadn't been able to have anything like a relationship for several years, had no family, no job, no money, no where to live, and a track record of total failure. I had convictions for stupid things I did when drinking, I had been locked up in the funny farm, I had many failed attempts at controlled drinking.

It was very obvious to me in the end, why I could never drink safely again. But even this was not enough to get me to stop. One problem was that sobriety, in my experience, had never been any good. I had no reason to believe life would be any better sober. I was wrong about that, but it was my experience.

Recovery took total defeat, and the willingness to do whatever it takes. I eventually took it on faith that it would be worth it, and it was.

It can be frustrating to us alcoholics to think "why can't I just have a couple and be normal like everyone else?" in the end, we can't drink normally, our brains don't function that way.
Especially in your early 20's, everything seems to revolving around alcohol, but it really doesn't. Doing some cleaning house of your friends can be a start, you would be surprised at how many people don't, or rarely drink. Also doing activities that don't involve alcohol with your current social circle.
That's great though you are coming to terms with it and attending AA, and I would keep going. There are AA meeting just for younger people as well.

There are various schools of thought out there as to "why" this occurs, but in the large majority of cases, once that line is crossed, there is usually little chance of uncrossing it. The "why" does not really matter, but it seems that the body simply changes from sustained consumption over time.

My advice is to quit drinking, and to not wait for things to get worse as you get older. As Mike said, those who quit young are really the lucky ones. I believe in hindsight that I was addicted at your age, but I did not have the necessary insight to even consider stopping back then.

Read around the forum, and some of the stories of recovery, to see where this can lead.

I know that it's hard to understand that, especially for a younger person. Truth is, sooner that we realize that we have crossed some kind of invisible (drunken line), it seems that for most all of us drunks, we will never drink in a normal manner again. I have had years of sobriety more that once and returned to the drink only to find myself out of control once again, Yes, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Wish that I would have stopped drinking in my twenties
but, it was not to be.

M-Bob

If I could talk to myself at your age I'd ask not why can't I drink like others - the only answer I can give you there is a Dad answer - 'just cos'...

I'd ask why do I think thats the only way to live a rich full and fun filled life?

It's not. My life now is pretty freakin' sweet :)

Unfortunately I was nearly twice your age before I was mature enough to just accept my alcoholism and change my life accordingly...the fact you're here on SR now is a good sign you're way smarter than me, Issac.

D

Welcome Isaac! Looks like you have already gotten some great advice glad you are here. There is a lot of support and information here! And post as often as you please. Maybe join the April 2017 class?

Hi Isaac! I'm a student like you and got sober at 26 years old, that was 5 months ago. I knew my drinking wasn't normal and probably a but problematic but I thought I had control over it. I drank daily, rarely to a point where I seemed drunk to others but I was unable to study, leave the house, sleep or do anything without having a drink first. I went to a therapist because of panick attacks and anxiety and she told me I was an alcoholic and had to stop drinking in order to get better.

I still find the thought of never drinking again a bit scary and sometimes my AV tries to tell me "that it all wasn't that bad really", so I understand what you're struggling with.

But like many others said, what's the point in waiting until it gets really bad.

For social situations you could meet your friends for dinner, in a cafe or do sports together, just activities where the focus isn't necessarily on drinking.

Good to meet you, Isaac! I hope being here with us will help.

If I could go back to being 22 & do what you're doing - my whole life would be completely different. I never paid attention to the warning signs. As a result, I wasted years of my life in a fog, doing dangerous & foolish things. Like Dee, I was more than twice your age when I began to get serious about stopping. You'll never regret taking control, & living the life you were meant to.

Hello. Its called tolerance to alcohol. What used to get your rocks off now takes twice or many times more. That feeling that made you giggle and have fun now needs to be bumped up in order to get to where you need to be.

You never know where those people will end up down the road that you think are drinking responsible. They are messing with the bull's horns as well.

You are very wise to see this at your young age. Take heed in your wisdom and you will escape a lot of wasted time and bad events in your life.

Why can't you drink responsibly like many others? Nobody really knows why. All I can say is for me the problems I experienced in my early 20's never went away. They continued.

When I was young and blew up with the drink others cut me slack. However, by the time I reached 30 this was no longer the case.

Ultimately only you can decide if you want to stop drinking. For me it's two sides of the same coin. On the one side I wish I'd gotten sober earlier. If I had maybe life might have been different. On the other side by getting sober when I did (age 35) I'm not under any illusions I can drink socially. This I have no doubts.

Good luck

welcome Isaac. Having an awareness so young does you credit. There are a lot of narratives at SR that define how damaging addiction is. Take heed- as to the 'why'? For me- genetics, crap childhood, personality, bullying, work situations, blah. It was only with professional guidance have I begun to work out that why. With that comes a small amount of peace. I have felt 'wrong' since I was 4. Red the threads, share, learn- grow. You are not alone. Keep posting.
Support to you, PJ.

I get this this feeling. I just wanted to be a "normal" drinker in my 20s, but it made me miserable. I was so desperate to belong to some group, that I ended up drinking...for another 25 years. Now in my 50s, I get to "enjoy" all those benefits of continued alcoholic drinking, such as a ****** career, a dysfunctional family, poor health, etc. In hindsight, it is definitely a trade-off, but it would have been much easier to get sober and go through the awkwardness and frustration in my 20s, than to suffer a half-lived life and try to rebuild it in my 50s.

My gosh it's like I wrote this myself.

I just turned 29 the other week and I took the time to look over all my old journals. I've been writing almost daily since I was a child so I grabbed my collection from about 2010 (when I graduated and first had that "Ok, I might have a problem" feeling) and read them a night.

The really upsetting thing is that I realised that I'd been repeating the same cycle, writing almost identical stuff over and over for years. I'd sound relatively calm and collected about my plans to stop drinking and how it'd improve my life, I'd sound great for a few days, then BAM there would be this scrawled, screwed up page of drunken mess and the whole thing repeated itself.

The thing I want to stress is that I can relate because I wasn't always this heavy, daily drinker - it escalated. I know that I should've sought help that summer in 2010 when I started drinking at home, but I wasn't ready and I needed to get to this place. When I read about "crossing the line" that is exactly my experience. I might even moderate for a few days or a week, but it won't last and not drinking to blackout or a sufficient level of numbness does nothing for me except make me thirsty for more.

I'm back after a relatively recent relapse and I definitely still think "oh man, why can't I drink like everyone else?" and that's ok. In my experience, trying to push those thoughts down just makes them 100 times worse. I know that I can't drink like other people and that it brings me no joy and that at my age I finally have my first real, career-defining job which I could've had 9 years ago but didn't because I spent the years bouncing around, getting fired, drinking alone and embarrassing myself. But I do have those moments and rather amusingly, they usually tie in with my most ridiculous moderation thought which is, "Hmm, I'd love a glass of red. It's a nice French wine from [insert date here]" and I try to convince myself that that's why I want it and that's where it would stop. I am, for lack of a better term, bullshitting myself and it's about time we stopped listening to that crap.

I know it's difficult and you don't need to accept it all at once in my opinion, just don't drink for today, see how you feel, maybe don't drink again tomorrow. Just take it easy.

Hi Isaac :wavey:

Some good replies here already so I'm not sure my input offers much else. But here is my two cents...

As Algorithm says, their isn't a satisfactory scientific consensus as to how alcoholics differ from "normal" drinkers. It seems likely (to me anyway) that alcoholics have a genetic difference that means they metabolize alcohol differently and are therefore much, much more likely to become addicted. Have a read of the excerpts from Under the Influence in the stickies in the Alcoholism (i.e. this) forum.

I think it is great that you have the self-awareness at 22 to recognize the dangerous path that you are on.

I began heavy drinking in my teens and by 22 was most definitely an active alcoholic. I knew this, but carried on until I had a horrific nervous breakdown at about 25. This is when I surely should have stopped but I was in some sense "playing" at being an alcoholic. [Not suggesting you are so stupid BTW. happyface:]

My go to excuse was "I need to quit, sure, but nothing really bad has happened yet." I had been hospitalized several times; was severely depressed and having almost constant panic attacks; was being kicked out of university; was self-harming; was alienating all my friends; wasn't doing anything with my life. But this didn't seem to count as bad. :headbange

It took me another decade of limping along trying hard to "moderate" to come to the final, irremediable conclusion that I simply cannot and never will be able to drink like "normal" people. [For me part of the realization was honestly saying that I didn't really want to drink like normal people anyway. I just wanted more, more, more....]

I am a lucky one. I have no major health concerns (except residual depression and anxiety that fingers-crossed will dissipate as I get more sober time in). But my life (and marriage) has been blighted by the obsession with alcohol and the idea that "This time I will be able to moderate."

Please don't waste your time trying to be "normal." It seems that you know you have crossed the line. There is more evidence here than you could ever need to show that you can't go back. As far as I know, not one person here wishes they would have stopped drinking later in life.

As to new social activities. Again, there was so much I missed out on because of drinking in my 20s. A lot of stuff I would have considered "lame" at the time, I never gave a chance to as my addiction made these things seem lame. The truth is, I was scared to try new things and my alcoholism liked having me scared like that...

Anyway, as per usual I am rambling. :lmao

Its very difficult to reconcile the fact that you can't drink like others. I have experienced so much unnecessary loss, regret, despair, and embarrassment by trying to "prove" that I was able to control myself.

I too was hospitalized for awful withdrawal. This really shook me and it was followed by that 2-3 week period of what I call "cloudy surrender." In other words, I was so physically and mentally beat that I felt like I was still mildly impaired even though I had no alcohol in my system.

During this time, I readily accepted that I'm very ill, agree to go to treatment, and have no desire whatsoever to drink. Then after some time passes and I heal up, the "old" me starts to re-surface and I begin thinking I could handle it next time.

This time around however I decided to genuinely pursue the AA program and try to see for myself how all of these people (just like me) have turned their lives around and are happier than they've ever been. What really flipped a switch in my brain was reading the first 30 pages or so of the big book. It was as if someone had been watching me my entire life and then put it down on paper. It was both spooky and comforting at the same time.

I know its easy to reflexively dismiss this type of talk, but give those that have been down the dark path a little longer the benefit of the doubt. You'll be so glad you did... so will your family, and all the new great friends that you will meet.

I sobered up one month short of my 18th birthday. Everyone knew I was an alcoholic except me. I had blackouts, multiple arrests, institutions, and still I though I could fix it. I tried my best, the finally surrendered.

It doesn't matter why I can'y drink normally. I can't. Period. Nothing me or anyone else can do anything to change it, so I had to learn to live with it, and without alcohol.

Thanks to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I did. That was almost 40 years ago. The only thing not drinking alcohol has kept me from doing in life is not drink alcohol.

Sure I lost some old drinking buddies, but I had nothing in common with them except for getting stoned. Life is short and there is so much to live for

I'm incredibly thankful for all of these replies. Posting here, going to meetings and reading the Big Book have been hugely helpful for me, even though I've slipped up several times since my first meeting.

When I look at things objectively, there's no doubt that my life is better when I don't drink. But every once in a while, there's still that looming obsession with wanting to drink "normally".

Despite everything I've put myself through with alcohol--the withdrawal, the hospitalization, jeopardizing relationships--there's a still part of me that convinces myself (sometimes successfully) that it's still possible for me to have a normal relationship with alcohol.

Occasionally I still can't help but feel that I become a more socially appealing version of myself when I drink, at least for a few hours (but that's just it--it's never "just a few hours"--it always has the potential to carry on for days or weeks). Still, I have an incredible ability to tell myself "This time will be different because you really learned your lesson last time!"

I know that there will be extremely difficult moments for me in the future, and I honestly can't promise myself that I won't pick up in those moments. As cliche as it sounds, all I can really do is wake up every day and tell myself that I just won't drink today. Sometimes I even have to take it hour by hour.

In the meantime, I want to thank you all for your input. It's been extremely helpful.