Detached acceptance
 

Carrying over something I said in another thread, relating to that wonderful time early in recovery when cravings start to diminish...

"I had such a desire to say "I'm not an alcoholic anymore" because of my perception of what being an alcoholic meant. I thought it meant I was a bad person, less of a human. I will stick to some of the kinder, gentler terms here. No longer having cravings meant I had removed the shameful label of Alcoholic, but now I could move on and pretend it had never been there.

I need to learn to look at my alcoholism differently, and be in sort of a detached state of acceptance of it. I need to somehow not wallow in it but also not discard it."


So my question to you.. Have you found a happy medium in terms of acceptance, where you aren't focused on your recovery from alcoholism to the point that you're now dwelling in it, but you aren't under the misguided impression that you've reached a point where you can stop focusing on your recovery?

I feel like one of the places I could start is by removing the thought that my alcoholism is something separate from me that doesn't belong and that changes the value of who I am... I hope that sentence makes sense to at least one other person out there!!

What are some specific ways that you stay on track daily in your recovery while not feeling like you're doing this all the time :a043: and you just want to stop doing that lol Cause I think that's how I felt, like I was beating myself over the head with this recovery stuff and wanted to move on... and I moved for sure, just not in the direction I wanted to..

Sorry so lengthy..

I have found that I needed to really focus on the underlying issues I was attempting to "solve" with my drinking. For me specifically it was anxiety. Through therapy, mindfulness, exercise, diet and reflection/meditation i've been able to get myself on a much more even keel - which in turn has reduced my obsessions/ruminations over every little thing - including my addiction.

No offense intended Brenda, but it seems that you have a very hard time letting go of things - whether it's past relationships, family issues, or your addiction as you mention here. Perhaps that is one of the underlying issues you could focus on( the 'letting go" issue)? Have you ever spoken with a therapist about these issues by chance?

I'm finally able to have that balance where my recovery is a comfortable asset to my life..and an unobtrusive one as well. I don't live my life around AA, because for me, that's not the purpose. The purpose is to be able to recover and live my life. Not live my life for recovery. That being said, it is recovery that has given me my life back, so I don't take it for granted, but nor do I make it the be all and end all of my existence.

Perhaps it is simply a matter of accepting that you do not drink anymore?

AVRT makes sense "on paper" to me, but so many emotional variables come in to play, it gets "murky". I think there are people out there who can separate emotion from it.. I'd love to figure out how to do that.

Yes BC I am in that place...today at least.

I'm an alcoholic...Doesn't define everything about who I am and everything I do. But it's a set in stone fact about me.

Since that became set in stone for me things got easier...there's no fight or battle taking up space in my head...just a few things I need to do/remember on any given day :)

That's my experience

P

for me it just is what it is. But i guess this feeling about it or view of it evolved over the years.

I remember one time i was watching a tv show i think the guy said he had like 9 years sober and that each day it was a new battle per say to make sure he didnt waiver. I took this to mean that iwas in for it that this was going to be my sentance basicly that it would always bee this horrible thing to contend with etc..

But dunno now it just is what it is. its there I'm aware of it. I try to stay on top of it and not get complacent but it doesnt bother me or bring me down or even really make me happy or something. If anything I'm glad at this point to have gone through it all I thnk its made me a better person ultimately.

So i dunno maybe you get to a point where your aware of it its just there. we dont obsess over say our arm but we are aware its there if it becomes an issue we tend to it other wise its there is all.

I will give a simple answer.

YES to the bolded part. I am actually not focusing on addiction recovery now at all, just try to live a balanced, healthy, fulfilling life. More than anything I've found and learned, the key for me is engaging actively in a good life and dealing with problems as they arise instead of escaping from them or distracting myself. I struggled with obsessions when I withdrew and isolated too much, when I became overly minimalistic in lifestyle (often driven by anxiety), denying my healthy needs and substituting them with those preoccupations and "altered states". It really does not happen when I have a full life with plenty of interesting things and healthy variety. That's what I focus on these days. I also no longer dissect and fragment myself and designate certain feelings and acts "to the addict in me". I like to feel as a whole person and not pathologize certain aspects of myself.

All of this, but especially the bold part. I pick at the things I don't like.

I have been in that state for many years. It came after I did that initial work to bring about a change in outlook. Not a lot of people want to do that work, but it was the only way I could see that gave me some hope of surviving this illness.

Having had my change in outlook, I simply need to maintain that condition. That involves cleaning up any new mistakes as I go along, not allowing things to accumulate. A bit of quiet time now and then to reflect. Daily prayer, sometimes quite a lot during the day, seeking guidance, the right thought or action for given situations. Occasional meditation to try and determine what Gods will is for me, and to try and do that. Practicing the principles I have learned in all areas of my life. And when I get the chance, giving something back to the people that showed me this new way of life.

Things I don't do:
Decide to stay sober for one more day
Blame my "disease" when I make a mistake
Think about drinking or not drinking
Claim to have engineered my own change in outlook.
Go to church or follow any religion.

Very good guidelines indeed!

That last thing stands out for me.. When I got sober it was because I was able to take a leap of faith and believe in God.. then over time I began to drift in to fundamentalist territory.. It was a stumbling block. Rigid thinking tends to be a driving force behind a lot of relapses.. and try as I might I can't reconcile following a specific religion and avoiding that mental rigidity. I need flexibility.. but I need faith.. it's tricky..

The emotion that gets all tangled up in your decision to abstain permanently comes straight from the AV. Creating "murkiness" is an AV specialty. It makes it easier for the decision to drink again to be made. The way people who practice this technique separate the emotion is by recognizing it as AV, separate from their thoughts and contrary to their decision to abstain. BTW, the Buddhists use a similar technique. They separate from emotions as a way to observe them without acting on them.

Emotions are a part of life and of the human condition. The goal is not to not have them. The goal is to not be driven to act on every one, especially those that will drive us to harm ourselves or others.

The idea that AVRT "looks good on paper" is also AV. The part of you that wants to drink will frame all attempts to dismiss it as hogwash, too easy, not doable, etc. The key is recognition and separation. Have you ever read the RR book or the threads? There's some good stuff there.

Wonderful time indeed but my first time around I got stuck on a pink cloud.

I am an alcoholic, and will always be an alcoholic, and was always an alcoholic before I even picked up my first drink at age 12.

I used to think something like that too until I heard one of my favorite AA expressions: "We're not bad people trying to be good, we're sick people trying to be well."

There's no shame to me for being an alcoholic, because it brought me to my recovery program, which fixed my thinking and reaction to life, and brought me closer to God and to my authentic self. No one can make me feel shame, either, because I don't care what other people's opinions are.

Acceptance is all about accepting the things we cannot change... what's the point of non accepting something we have no control over changing? A fact is a fact, I accept it without judgement.

It's very important to me to live in "balance" or "neutral" and not in one extreme or the other. So yes I think I've been doing pretty good with finding a happy medium. I do not dwell on my alcoholism, because as the big book says, if I'm in remorse, self-pity, or morbid reflection, I cannot be of any use to others. I can't help anyone. It's a waste of time and energy.

A decade ago when I stopped focusing on my recovery because my mind told me that I was recovered, I didn't have issues with addiction anymore, I relapsed. I needed that lesson to get to where I am today. I choose to focus on my recovery each new day by my actions and words. I focus on my recovery each day by staying in gratitude and by trusting and relying on my Higher Power who I choose to call God.

My mind, where my alcoholism lives for the most part, is separate from me. I am not my alcoholism. It doesn't belong or not belong, it just "is". In no way shape or form does it change the value of who I am because I am a child of God, no better than and no less than any other child of God.

I stay on track daily in my recovery by living in Steps 10, 11, and 12 so that my alcoholic mind doesn't take over. This brings me a lot of peace and serenity.

Keep it simple.

For me drinking is not a problem anymore. I'm not going to drink and I don't have any desire to do so. That's not to say that when I see people drinking and have a good time I don't think "that would be nice"

For me the challenge is recovery from why I drank so much. I allowed the stress of work and life itself to get the better of me, and I numbed myself with alcohol. Learning to deal with the stresses of life without a crutch is by far the most challenging.

I wondered something similar when I was going to AA meetings regularly. There was a guy at one who was celebrating 40 years of sobriety. And I remember thinking, "40 years, and his recovery is still so fragile that he has to keep coming to AA?" Now maybe this guy was still coming because he felt an obligation to help newcomers, and that's admirable...or maybe he just wanted to, nothing wrong with that. But it led me to wonder if I am stuck living my life as though I will always be right on the verge of relapse and having to work a "program" for the rest of my life, lest I dive headfirst back into the drunken pool the minute I stop attending to said program.

The only conclusion I could reach is that everybody is different and there probably are some people who do have to work some sort of program religiously for good if they want to stay sober. But there are also some who, after a disastrous, finite, relationship with alcohol, licked their wounds then simply and unequivocally moved on forever and never looked back, as you would with a bad romantic relationship. I suspect most people are probably somewhere on a continuum that runs between these two extremes.

DD another slant...self improvement is a positive thing. Continuing to grow is a positive thing.

Lots of folks find AA meetings, or other ongoing recovery work is a great way to continue growing :)

I used to do traditional Japanese Karate...once you got to a certain level it was hard to learn from the teachers and the folks around you...the path to further growth was to learn by teaching folks around you and passing on what you had learnt :)

P

P.S oh and it's kind of a good thing sometimes that folks stick around to help the next person along...like so many here do. Instead of saying "thanks for the help guys...I'm off to have a great life now" ;)

I used to play all kinds of mental gymnastics in regards to my drinking/not drinking. The key for me was total surrender. I just mentally let go of any thoughts of moderation and decided that I will never drink alcohol again. It's a very freeing feeling and allows me to move on to other things in life.

I might be growing spiritually, but I'm as much an alcoholic today that I was decades ago. It's a daily reprieve.

Put alcohol in my body today and I will react exactly the same way I did at age 12 when I had my first drink. Hope that helps.

Carrying the message is Step 12.

But the point of the steps is to have "a new design for living"--every new 24 hours.

I used to think like you did. I used to think "I don't want to go to meetings for the rest of my life" until someone explained to me "You don't just go to the gym once, or for 1 year. You go to stay fit."

I honestly feel completely recovered, so there is no recovery anymore. I used to be an alcoholic, for sure, but I'm not now, and I'm very comfortable with not being able and especially not wanting to ever drink again. This doesn't mean I'm a perfect human being, but the same can be said for the rest of humanity including the billions who have never been alcoholics, so I have plenty of company. ;) If I want to work on being a better human being, I can do that, but to me that's separate. It also doesn't mean I should or want to completely separate myself from the addiction recovery community, because I think it's safer long-term to remain at least somewhat engaged and because I think I can occasionally help someone else who is still struggling.

This is how I look at things, anyways. I feel like I moved on years ago, but to me moving on doesn't require completely dropping everything related to addiction recovery.

Recovery is a very popular term in Mental Health...many folks find it useful to view their lives as a process of recovery...from whatever they've faced, overcome, are facing etc.

Much how I see recovery these days...mostly not about drink...emotional growth, emotional recovery, the ongoing process of being human...That's where it's at.

In terms of detached acceptance...that is very often the key to further growth for me...whatever riles me, whatever other people see think or assert...for me best viewed from a position of detached acceptance.

If it's OK for them it's OK by me :)

P