Acheleus

I was at a meeting last night and I noticed that I always feel better after going to meetings. Earlier this month I wrote a statement for a professional organization. The organization wanted an entire history of my alcohol use--amounts, types of alcohol used, etc.

Surprisingly, I felt positive after writing the statement. I could see patterns in my history of use and I learned that I have earned my sobriety by changing my perspective about everything. The reality of my problem is scary, but I believe that I have the tools I need to make sure I live life on life's terms as a sober person.


I posted to reach out and ask if anyone gained clarity about self-destructive behavior patterns as they progressed in sobriety. For a couple of months I was taking my sobriety for granted, focusing on other things and worrying too much about the future. I then wrote the statement and I felt different about everything related to my alcoholism. The reality of the past became more vivid.

Did you learn more about your alcoholism as you remained sober? If so, what did you learn? Do you still feel embarrassed about your past actions?

Done4today

I learn daily about alcoholism and how I am a true alcoholic. Drinking alcohol to extremes was the sign of my disease but what was going on in my head is the symptom of alcoholism.

I occasionally will feel shame about my past then I laugh about it. I have accepted my defects of character and my past actions. Because of them and learning about them, I have become a more patient, tolerant, compassionate human being. I have learned to forgive and accept others for their faults.

2ndhandrose

Hi Acheleus,

One of my best friend's daughter was recently dx with her second skin cancer. As I had breast cancer 4 years ago, my friend asked me to share my wisdom (I have wisdom??) with her daughter.

I wrote her a letter, saying to her, what I would want her to know if she was my daughter. I spoke about acceptance, not future tripping and the importance of living in each day, letting go of guilt, asking for what she needs, and gratitude. I finished it by saying that she Can Do Hard Things. That this was a very hard thing she has to face but she can do it.

When I read over what I wrote I was kind of astonished to realize that it was all things I have learned in my recovery, not when I went through my cancer. (I wish I had of known these things when I went through cancer )

So, to answer your question, yes, I can look back and see how dysfunctional my thinking was while I was drinking. I think that everything I went through brought me to this moment, so, no, I don't feel embarrassed about my past.

SoberCAH

Very incisive post, Achelus.

First, you mention that they reality of our problem is scary.

I couldn't agree more.

Even after being sober a good while, I am deathly afraid of relapse.

Recovery from alcoholism doesn't permit us to take a day off.

We have to be on guard every day.

Second, you stated that the reality of our past becomes more vivid.

That has certainly been the case for me.

But I am no longer embarrassed about how much I drank or how badly I misbehaved.

I'm not that person today.

Lastly, what you did sounds a lot like a thorough First Step.

It sounds like you did a great job on it and that it had a very positive effect.

Fly N Buy

Did you learn more about your alcoholism as you remained sober? If so, what did you learn?

I learn more about the reality of who I am, certainly. There's a saying that more will be revealed. I find the longer I stay sober the more about specific incidents, or the why I did what I did comes to light - a revelation.

I drank because I liked the feeling produced by alcohol and it was a "grown up" thing to do. Once I heard an actor, I think, say - "drink some guts!" I suppose that sums up my behavior in a nut shell (pun intended). Drinking took away the feeling of being irritable, restless and discontent.


Do you still feel embarrassed about your past actions? Sometimes, but mostly not. I am of the school that making amends as best we can or the willingness if the opportunity arises is how I move forward. I don't roll in the muck or stay in self loathing. I have learned a little of humility and simple put it is the stark realization of who I am, good and bad.

I admit new mistake promptly and try not to repeat them. But, doing something wrong is life. I don't let it become cumulative and pull me under like a huge boulder. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin.

Acheleus

The one thing I don't understand is how I let alcohol control my life for so long. It hurts sometimes to realize that I gave away so much of myself during my drinking years. Sobriety forces me to look at reality and quit fantasizing. I feel lucky to be in recovery.

August252015

A few things- going backwards starting with your questions - yes, I have learned and keep learning more about my alcoholism; one thing I believe is the saying that there are as many kinds of alcoholism as there are alcoholics. My business is tending to my kind. My side of the street and all. My learning was specifically helped by my step 4 inventories, it is helped by almost every meeting I attend (looking for comparison not differences, etc) and work with my sponsor and growing my spiritual fitness. Only on rare occasions does a "wince" worthy memory pop up - I anticipate that will always happen bc, well, now I am a good sober person who should acknowledge if not "regret nor shut the door on" (paraphrase BB 4th ed) things I have done; they must be compartmentalized, however, because self-flagelation is only harmful (to me and others) and dwelling in the past is useless as a frequent occurrence.

I also believe that as much as possible, I must focus on today, and NEVER take my sobriety for granted. When I fret or future-project and such, I get anxious, restless, worried and other things that keep me from tending to my present. Plus, it robs me of gratitude and joy in what I have NOW.

Introspection is good - forward action and living in steps 1,10,12 continuously is best for me.

ScottFromWI

That's a pretty "sobering" realization Ach - and one that shows me that you've really come a long way. And I honestly don't believe we'll ever understand how or why our addiction did what it did. It just did...and I too feel lucky to be where I am now.