Not sure how to help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Not sure how to help
Hi everyone. I am new here and looking for advice. My issue is not with myself, or maybe it is a little, but with my wife.
She has had an on and off issue with alcohol for years and every time I think we have it beat, here it comes again.
I have tried everything I can think of as far as trying to help her.
My biggest problem is that she refuses any type of outside help. No matter what I have tried to do or talk to her about, she will not seek any outside help.
I know she fights with anxiety issues and maybe a tad of depression as well brought on by the anxiety. Then she pretty much self medicates with alcohol and that is a bad idea for her. It brings on even more depression. She can not control her drinking and when she drinks, she is a real *******. When she is sober, she is the most wonderful person on the planet!
I am at a loss now and things are not going well. Where I am having real problems now is with myself because I am loosing this battle. She is everything I ever wanted in someone but with the amount she is drinking, I am afraid I am going to hit a point of no return and look to be done with the relationship. That is not something I want to do.
Like I said, she refuses all forms of outside help. She refuses to go to my wonderful doctor to possibly try an anxiety med. She refuses to go to any type of counseling. She refuses to go to any type of alcohol program.
Maybe someone here can point to something i can read about, maybe a little advice or point me to a different forum if I am in the wrong one.
Thanks a lot everyone
She has had an on and off issue with alcohol for years and every time I think we have it beat, here it comes again.
I have tried everything I can think of as far as trying to help her.
My biggest problem is that she refuses any type of outside help. No matter what I have tried to do or talk to her about, she will not seek any outside help.
I know she fights with anxiety issues and maybe a tad of depression as well brought on by the anxiety. Then she pretty much self medicates with alcohol and that is a bad idea for her. It brings on even more depression. She can not control her drinking and when she drinks, she is a real *******. When she is sober, she is the most wonderful person on the planet!
I am at a loss now and things are not going well. Where I am having real problems now is with myself because I am loosing this battle. She is everything I ever wanted in someone but with the amount she is drinking, I am afraid I am going to hit a point of no return and look to be done with the relationship. That is not something I want to do.
Like I said, she refuses all forms of outside help. She refuses to go to my wonderful doctor to possibly try an anxiety med. She refuses to go to any type of counseling. She refuses to go to any type of alcohol program.
Maybe someone here can point to something i can read about, maybe a little advice or point me to a different forum if I am in the wrong one.
Thanks a lot everyone
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Rigger,
I can only speak for me but I dont know that anyone could have made me quit drinking. Trust me when I say my wife tried everything too.
For me there had to come a point in time when I was beat down far enough, scared enough, and so exhausted from drinking that I wanted to quit for me.
My marriage survived it but just barely. I have been married for thirty years.
From my wife's stand point I'm sure she would say get out now. The road ahead is to hard. Only you can answer that part of the question though
I can only speak for me but I dont know that anyone could have made me quit drinking. Trust me when I say my wife tried everything too.
For me there had to come a point in time when I was beat down far enough, scared enough, and so exhausted from drinking that I wanted to quit for me.
My marriage survived it but just barely. I have been married for thirty years.
From my wife's stand point I'm sure she would say get out now. The road ahead is to hard. Only you can answer that part of the question though
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, rigger, and welcome. There is a lot of good information about alcohol dependency in the stickies embedded at the top of the main menu. Well worth reading.
My first go to in a situation such as you describe is Al-Anon. It is an amazing fellowship for people who are bothered by a loved one's drinking and behavior. At an Al-Anon meeting you will find lots of support from people who have been where you are now.
You can't control your wife's drinking. That she doesn't want outside help tells me, and this is my opinion only, that she is not ready to stop drinking yet.
Maybe she will never be ready. Maybe in time she will want to change. But right now, despite your concern and offers to help, she doesn't want to or, perhaps, feel that she can stop successfully.
I hope you will keep checking in. There is lots of support here.
My first go to in a situation such as you describe is Al-Anon. It is an amazing fellowship for people who are bothered by a loved one's drinking and behavior. At an Al-Anon meeting you will find lots of support from people who have been where you are now.
You can't control your wife's drinking. That she doesn't want outside help tells me, and this is my opinion only, that she is not ready to stop drinking yet.
Maybe she will never be ready. Maybe in time she will want to change. But right now, despite your concern and offers to help, she doesn't want to or, perhaps, feel that she can stop successfully.
I hope you will keep checking in. There is lots of support here.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome to SR, rigger!
If you check out the The Friends and Family forum here, you'll find a lot of people in similar situations and a lot of information and support for yourself.
If you check out the The Friends and Family forum here, you'll find a lot of people in similar situations and a lot of information and support for yourself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR rigger. Your efforts are very kind and well intended but as many have mentioned already, there is really very little you can do to help her until she wants to get help. Addiction is a very selfish affliction and for the addict, nothing is more important than protecting their ability to keep drinking, smoking or whatever they do. It is not logical in any sense.
That's not to say that there is no hope, but she will need to initiate the change. And you do need to take care of yourself and prepare yourself for the possibility that she may never quit. There are support groups for family of alcoholics and we do have a family forum here too if you'd like to meet some others who have been through the same issue.
That's not to say that there is no hope, but she will need to initiate the change. And you do need to take care of yourself and prepare yourself for the possibility that she may never quit. There are support groups for family of alcoholics and we do have a family forum here too if you'd like to meet some others who have been through the same issue.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
I would recommend getting a copy of Rational Recovery The New Cure For Substance Addiction by Jack Trimpey.
It is based on the idea of self empowerment and self directed action to end addictions. Your wife may find it helpful given her stance on outside help. And it contains sections for family members on how to deal with those who have yet to end their addictions.
It is based on the idea of self empowerment and self directed action to end addictions. Your wife may find it helpful given her stance on outside help. And it contains sections for family members on how to deal with those who have yet to end their addictions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,115
Hi,
I was your wife 5 years ago. My husband found AA and has maintained his sobriety for over 11 years. For 7 years I was rapped up in this disease of alcoholism. Yeah... no amount of frothy appeals would make me quit.
12 Step Programs help the addict ( like AA) and the person who cares and loves that addict (Al-Anon). That would also be my suggestion to you.
Bobbi
I was your wife 5 years ago. My husband found AA and has maintained his sobriety for over 11 years. For 7 years I was rapped up in this disease of alcoholism. Yeah... no amount of frothy appeals would make me quit.
12 Step Programs help the addict ( like AA) and the person who cares and loves that addict (Al-Anon). That would also be my suggestion to you.
Bobbi
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Are you prepared to draw lines in the sand and follow through if she crosses them? That was helpful to me, it didn't fix me but it did push me in the right direction by making it clear that my employer and my wife, separately, were tired of the behavior associated with the drinking, and would not put up with it anymore. Following through could mean many things, up to and including divorce, but something less permanent might be a place to start? This will also help and empower you, personally.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Welcome Rigger,
Please take care of yourself. SR is full of wonderful people willing to support you and your wife (if she ever decides to ask for help). As others said there are programs for co-dependency. Good luck and many prayers.
A last thought, hope you're not supplying her with booze while trying to tell her not to drink.
Please take care of yourself. SR is full of wonderful people willing to support you and your wife (if she ever decides to ask for help). As others said there are programs for co-dependency. Good luck and many prayers.
A last thought, hope you're not supplying her with booze while trying to tell her not to drink.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make her get clean, she has to want to do that on her own and from the sounds of things, looks like she has no plans to.
You can check out alanon meetings. also the book "codependent no more" is popular for people in your shoes.
You can check out alanon meetings. also the book "codependent no more" is popular for people in your shoes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you for your thoughts everyone.
The big thing with her is that she wants to stop but wont take any outside help to assist with it. She is extremely stubborn to say the least! She wants to learn to control herself but we have proven more than I can count how many times that the alcohol takes control every single time.
I am trying very hard not to loose hope and I am not one for giving up, but i am really scared of that coming for me sooner rather than later. That is why I found this site in hopes that maybe I can find some help for myself to be stronger.
I am not a big church person but I have been wanting to start going and maybe looking into some support groups. I know there are some good ones around, I just need to locate them.
I will check out the friends and family site here and possibly take my story there. Maybe that is a better spot for it. Maybe I can take some time and give a little more detail into our situation.
Thank you again eveyone
The big thing with her is that she wants to stop but wont take any outside help to assist with it. She is extremely stubborn to say the least! She wants to learn to control herself but we have proven more than I can count how many times that the alcohol takes control every single time.
I am trying very hard not to loose hope and I am not one for giving up, but i am really scared of that coming for me sooner rather than later. That is why I found this site in hopes that maybe I can find some help for myself to be stronger.
I am not a big church person but I have been wanting to start going and maybe looking into some support groups. I know there are some good ones around, I just need to locate them.
I will check out the friends and family site here and possibly take my story there. Maybe that is a better spot for it. Maybe I can take some time and give a little more detail into our situation.
Thank you again eveyone
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Originally Posted by rigger4343 
She is extremely stubborn to say the least! She wants to learn to control herself but we have proven more than I can count how many times that the alcohol takes control every single time....
For some of us anyways, it's just another manifestation of the addict voice, and being stubborn and wanting to learn to control ourselves really means, keep drinking like there was never a problem and just lose the negative consequences. The objective truth, evident to others, is that we can't control it, and the next time will turn out just like the last time, but we delude ourselves into think that if we just figure out some particular thing, or do some particular thing, then we will magically succeed. It can take a long time, and lots of consequences, before we understand that succeed means, getting alcohol out of our lives forever, not controlling our drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, rigger. Many of us tried really hard to control our drinking, only to lose the battle each and every time. When your wife accepts that she can't control or moderate--I am being optimistic here and saying when, not if--her life, and yours, will become simpler.
Not easier, mind. Giving up alcohol is no joke. But simpler. Peace.
Not easier, mind. Giving up alcohol is no joke. But simpler. Peace.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
What Bobbi said.
I was your wife....I would NOT get outside help. Screw that.
My husband decided he wanted recovery for himself (alcoholism is a family disease). He went to Al-anon and counseling. I continued to drink.
I drank for 6 more years until I was ready to stop. I needed to go get done and that is what it took for me to be open to outside help. The gift of desperation is truly a gift in that sense.
Long story short....today (8 years after my decision to accept help), we are happily married and both working our recovery programs. We have been together for 20 years now. Life is amazing. BUT it takes willingness and a crap-ton of work.
Glad you are here. Keep reading these boards. There is a lot of wisdom here. :-)
mfanch
I was your wife....I would NOT get outside help. Screw that.
My husband decided he wanted recovery for himself (alcoholism is a family disease). He went to Al-anon and counseling. I continued to drink.
I drank for 6 more years until I was ready to stop. I needed to go get done and that is what it took for me to be open to outside help. The gift of desperation is truly a gift in that sense.
Long story short....today (8 years after my decision to accept help), we are happily married and both working our recovery programs. We have been together for 20 years now. Life is amazing. BUT it takes willingness and a crap-ton of work.
Glad you are here. Keep reading these boards. There is a lot of wisdom here. :-)
mfanch
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
Hi Rigger and welcome. I am the guy who drank and destroyed his family in very dramatic (not physical abuse of others btw) way. I tried everything (that worked- not) but I was so addicted- I did not see where it was leading. My wife is now my ex- and I have no contact with her or my 2 adult sons- except divorce stuff, which again btw- I agreed to her wants- for healing.
No one could stop me- except death- mine, 3 times. As has been said- you cannot make your partner get better, You cannot control her behaviour. Stay safe- especially if you have children. Make informed decisions that does not leave you the victim of the addicted victim in years to come. To stay with a person in active addiction who does not try to heal- is putting your life on hold.
My empathy, compassion and support to you and your partner. I agree with all the sugg's above.
Keep posting. PJ
No one could stop me- except death- mine, 3 times. As has been said- you cannot make your partner get better, You cannot control her behaviour. Stay safe- especially if you have children. Make informed decisions that does not leave you the victim of the addicted victim in years to come. To stay with a person in active addiction who does not try to heal- is putting your life on hold.
My empathy, compassion and support to you and your partner. I agree with all the sugg's above.
Keep posting. PJ
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
rigger, please visit the friends and family forum here.
you didn't cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
hard words for me to swallow there, but the truth. I had to start takin care of me.
the crazy thing for me is I was your wife at one time. took my ( by then ex) fiancé tossin me to the curb for me to decide to get soner- for me to get out of denial and accept alcohol and myself were the common denominators in all my problems.
after getting sober I got into a relationship with a very sick woman.
that's when I got to experience what others had gone through with me and learned I was a codie. found a solution for that,too, but it took a couple years of insanity and chaos before I found that solution.
please don't wait to get help for yourself.
you didn't cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
hard words for me to swallow there, but the truth. I had to start takin care of me.
the crazy thing for me is I was your wife at one time. took my ( by then ex) fiancé tossin me to the curb for me to decide to get soner- for me to get out of denial and accept alcohol and myself were the common denominators in all my problems.
after getting sober I got into a relationship with a very sick woman.
that's when I got to experience what others had gone through with me and learned I was a codie. found a solution for that,too, but it took a couple years of insanity and chaos before I found that solution.
please don't wait to get help for yourself.
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