FIONICH85

Hi guys. Well, in November of last year I joined this forum and vowed to quit alcohol for the first time.

I made it about 3 weeks and felt better and better as the time went by.I was becoming really happy again, the light had returned to my eyes and I was simply feeling great in general.

On Thanksgiving, I let off the gas and had a glass of wine. I've been drinking ever since. I thought things were fine because I hadn't had a blacked out jekyl/hyde monster episode from November until Tuesday of this week, but Tuesday it happened again and now I am here to quit again, once and for all.

So today is day 2 for me. I know I have to do this to preserve my life, health, relationships, safety, and what dignity I currently have left.

I know it won't be easy, but if I just take it one day at a time like last time, I think I can do it. If it's okay, I'll post here when I feel that voice creeping in on me.

I know that if I don't quit, one morning when I wake up in tears not having any memory but chalky snippets of my horrible behavior towards my husband from the night before, instead of hugging me and forgiving me, he is going to say he's had it. I do not mistake his kindness and forgiveness for weakness or tolerance. Dear God do not let me push this good man to his breaking point. I am smart enough to know ahead of time that this heart breaking moment is only a few black outs away and I have the power to stop it before it happens and reverse the inevitable by quitting the booze.

I have to stop. I can't just have 1 drink once in a while. I can't just have 2 drinks a night. I can't only drink on holidays. I am self destructive and the alcohol is my way of sabotaging myself.

Dee74

Welcome back FIONICH85

That simple acceptance was the start of the turn around for me.

I'm glad you made it back

D

PhoenixJ

Welcome back

Maudcat

It's okay. Sometimes it takes a while to learn what we need to learn. Begin again.

MrsLecter

Your post speaks to me. My husband has been very patient with me despite the fact that I have been blacked out on a regular basis. My sobriety cannot depend on someone else but it's definitely an extra factor to add to the long list of reasons why I need to stop.
I'm glad you are here.

feldknocker

It's taken me many trips in and out of AA. As we say in this area, I "went back out to do more research". But if you're sober today, you're doing something right. The thing I like most about AA is the fact that it's not a club where seniority and judgement are the norm. The best old timers always seem to say they've "only got today" and that they're only one drink away from a relapse - just like you and me. Take comfort in that we're all in the same boat and that you haven't done anything countless others of us have also done - going back out. If coming to terms with our alcoholism and taking on sobriety were easy, there wouldn't be an AA.

Glad you're back and God Bless.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Fionich. I quoted the above statements because they represent a very, very important part of my recovery. It was imperative that I accepted that I can never drink even one drink...and I'm thinking maybe you are reaching that point too?

MsCooterBrown

I realize that as well. It is NEVER one drink...and I have never experienced a black out like I did on my last roll...scared me to death. Still does. Not sure what I did but in a way it was good. It was my wake up call. Glad you are here. We can all get thru this together. Looking forward to stringing many days of sobriety together.

fini

FIONICH,
welcome back,
and i found that getting really involved and engaged with others was hugely beneficial to me. you might consider that as another option and not wait for 'the voice' to turn on before you post...

Hevyn

Yes, Fionich - your last paragraph says it all. That was the realization I had to come to. I wish it hadn't taken me decades. I hurt and confused everyone - and put myself in danger so many times. This won't happen to you. You can get free.

bluedog97

Alcohol was our solution until we realized it was the problem. Accepting that I can't take that first drink was a big step for me. Welcome back