How do I cope with my alcoholic, narasistic, egotistical, materialistic partner?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Wellington,Florida
Posts: 21
How do I cope with my alcoholic, narasistic, egotistical, materialistic partner?
Hi all. I have been on here a few times....more recently a few hours ago. The more I sit and think the more I want to pull my hair out!
Sex drive where did it go? When will he get it back? It's been missing for over a year!
He was sober 120 days fell off, now claims he's better cause he only drinks on the weeknds (the ENTIRE weekend) and an entire big gottle of vodka, he has begun to isolate himself, lives through youtube "friends". no real intrest wanting to meet up with "real" friends. Has let himself go appearance wise....gained weight and blamed me...when i cook carb free or no carb meals, he has a gluten allergy so no flour based products in this house. I lose weight (I don't need to) and he gains and I tell him it's the vodka...he argues it's not...I give up on that subject
Has become detached emotionally from me, not affectionate anymore unless it's a kiss good bye or a hello as I'm coming in the door. We sleep in pajamas now, holding hands and our feet touching...nothing more....
he gets emotional when drunk spills his feelings for me (we are engaged but he knows things aren't the best he wants to improve but doesn't)
Marriage is supposed to take place in September I am NOT sticking to that unless he figures himself out...I have my dress but it's at my parents house 2 hours away.
I live very quiet, I don't say a whole lot anymore, I don't have the sparkle in my eyes like I used to.....I WANT MY GUY BACK!
He's been an alcohoic for 30 years a high functioning one at that. I didn't know the extent of it until i moved in! Now I have a clue but my heart is too far gone. I don't want to give up on us or him. I am not codependent try not to be enabling.....but I also don't light a fire under his butt either.
I'm a shy caring kind hearted person. Defeat is not in my vocabulary....This story is very long and too much to type...he's a musician so he's conatanly been around it since he was 14 now he's 48. I can't make him seek help all i can do is suggest it. I get yelled at when I ask him to stop he tells me im not his police he doesn't need a cop nor am I to give him an ultimatium (i don't do those anyway I'm too old for that game).....I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. Walking away is NOT an option (long story there too). He's tried AA many times 120 days was the farthest he's made it. He doesn't abuse drugs anymore hasn't touched those since he was 34...so why can't he leave to booze alone? I just don't understand, I myself do not have an addiction so I am trying to understand all of this. I want to help him help himself. I can't do it, he has to and he has to want to....How do I help him to want to? I know a lot of questions...i'm sorry but I need guidence in dealing with my alcoholic partner!!!!
Sex drive where did it go? When will he get it back? It's been missing for over a year!
He was sober 120 days fell off, now claims he's better cause he only drinks on the weeknds (the ENTIRE weekend) and an entire big gottle of vodka, he has begun to isolate himself, lives through youtube "friends". no real intrest wanting to meet up with "real" friends. Has let himself go appearance wise....gained weight and blamed me...when i cook carb free or no carb meals, he has a gluten allergy so no flour based products in this house. I lose weight (I don't need to) and he gains and I tell him it's the vodka...he argues it's not...I give up on that subject
Has become detached emotionally from me, not affectionate anymore unless it's a kiss good bye or a hello as I'm coming in the door. We sleep in pajamas now, holding hands and our feet touching...nothing more....
he gets emotional when drunk spills his feelings for me (we are engaged but he knows things aren't the best he wants to improve but doesn't)
Marriage is supposed to take place in September I am NOT sticking to that unless he figures himself out...I have my dress but it's at my parents house 2 hours away.
I live very quiet, I don't say a whole lot anymore, I don't have the sparkle in my eyes like I used to.....I WANT MY GUY BACK!
He's been an alcohoic for 30 years a high functioning one at that. I didn't know the extent of it until i moved in! Now I have a clue but my heart is too far gone. I don't want to give up on us or him. I am not codependent try not to be enabling.....but I also don't light a fire under his butt either.
I'm a shy caring kind hearted person. Defeat is not in my vocabulary....This story is very long and too much to type...he's a musician so he's conatanly been around it since he was 14 now he's 48. I can't make him seek help all i can do is suggest it. I get yelled at when I ask him to stop he tells me im not his police he doesn't need a cop nor am I to give him an ultimatium (i don't do those anyway I'm too old for that game).....I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. Walking away is NOT an option (long story there too). He's tried AA many times 120 days was the farthest he's made it. He doesn't abuse drugs anymore hasn't touched those since he was 34...so why can't he leave to booze alone? I just don't understand, I myself do not have an addiction so I am trying to understand all of this. I want to help him help himself. I can't do it, he has to and he has to want to....How do I help him to want to? I know a lot of questions...i'm sorry but I need guidence in dealing with my alcoholic partner!!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,907
Welcome. Glad you found us. I hope you will come by and post more often. Read the stickie posts at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. You might want to post there, too. There are many people here who know exactly how your are feeling because they are either there now, or have been there.
Here's a link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Here's a link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, patience. Welcome to SR. I would recommend learning as much as alcohol dependency as possible. It sounds like your SO has a problem with alcohol. There are stickies embedded at the top of the main menu with lots of information about how alcoholics function within the family, or don't.
Your concerns about life with your SO are valid. Might want to postpone the wedding, as you suggested, until things are clearer.
Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings? They can help a lot with clarity. Good luck.
Your concerns about life with your SO are valid. Might want to postpone the wedding, as you suggested, until things are clearer.
Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings? They can help a lot with clarity. Good luck.
Now what?
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 100
"How do I cope with my alcoholic, narasistic, egotistical, materialistic partner?"
The same way you have been until you get tired of it.
"He's tried AA many times 120 days was the farthest he's made it ...
so why can't he leave to booze alone? "
Because he's an alcoholic. You know that he's been an alcoholic for 30 years. How much research have you done on alcoholics and alcoholism? Stopping drinking is not doable for some people. It's so hard for them that they literally drink themselves to death.
"I want to help him help himself. I can't do it, he has to and he has to want to....How do I help him to want to?
By not acting like you're coping with his alcoholism in the same way you'd cope with a two year old. You're both adults. How do you want to live your life? I suggest you think about that and then share that with him. And then make your plans accordingly and ask him do the same.
Ultimatums work. That's why they're employed.
The same way you have been until you get tired of it.
"He's tried AA many times 120 days was the farthest he's made it ...
so why can't he leave to booze alone? "
Because he's an alcoholic. You know that he's been an alcoholic for 30 years. How much research have you done on alcoholics and alcoholism? Stopping drinking is not doable for some people. It's so hard for them that they literally drink themselves to death.
"I want to help him help himself. I can't do it, he has to and he has to want to....How do I help him to want to?
By not acting like you're coping with his alcoholism in the same way you'd cope with a two year old. You're both adults. How do you want to live your life? I suggest you think about that and then share that with him. And then make your plans accordingly and ask him do the same.
Ultimatums work. That's why they're employed.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hi and welcome patience 
I understand that defeat is not in your vocabulary but this really isn't a war - it's more like a hostage situation.
There's a third party in all of this - alcohol - and until your partner decides thats something to deal with in a permanent way, there's nothing you can do but accept the situation.
If thats not acceptable to you (and frankly I can;t see why it would be) you need to ask yourself if you're able to face the prospect of years of this?
D
I understand that defeat is not in your vocabulary but this really isn't a war - it's more like a hostage situation.
There's a third party in all of this - alcohol - and until your partner decides thats something to deal with in a permanent way, there's nothing you can do but accept the situation.
If thats not acceptable to you (and frankly I can;t see why it would be) you need to ask yourself if you're able to face the prospect of years of this?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I hope that you take some time to work on yourself. There is little you can do for your boyfriend unless and until he decides to stop drinking. You ask "How do I cope with my alcoholic, narasistic, egotistical, materialistic partner?" and I wonder why you would want to? He's been an alcoholic for 30 years. He is showing you who he is and I think you are choosing to not see that. The only guidance I could offer would be to accept that this is how things will stay. Does he want to stop drinking and live a sober life?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Sorry, I had to rearead your post. I missed the part about him being an alcoholic for 30 years.
Whoa, that's a long time. How long have you been together?
Not that it matters. I see a bunch of red flags in your OP.
1) he (and you) are socially isolated.
2) no sex, and little affection between you.
3) doesn't take care of his health.
4) gets angry when you push him on his drinking.
I'm curious, and asking this respectfully. Why can't you leave?
Whoa, that's a long time. How long have you been together?
Not that it matters. I see a bunch of red flags in your OP.
1) he (and you) are socially isolated.
2) no sex, and little affection between you.
3) doesn't take care of his health.
4) gets angry when you push him on his drinking.
I'm curious, and asking this respectfully. Why can't you leave?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 55
Hi, patience. Welcome to SR, I am new here to and posted for the first time today about my own drinking skeleton in the closet.
In my opinion you have a much bigger problem, I would imagine when you first embarked on your relationship he was not a narcissistic, egotistical, materialistic person. He was probably a reflection of good values and tolerance as I am sure you are. Sometime after you fell in love he may not have seen a reason to keep being like you.
Now that you see your dear loved one in this light, ball is in your court. You need to decide if this is the life you want. Its extremely difficult to love an alcoholic let alone one who moonlights in narcissism, egotistical, and materialistic behavior.
You need to know now that you can't fix him. Only he has that choice, and he needs to do it for him, not for you.
MicroMacro said, "You're both adults. How do you want to live your life? I suggest you think about that and then share that with him."
Try writing it down how you want to live your life, than talk to him, and what ever you decide I am sure everyone here will support you. keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
In my opinion you have a much bigger problem, I would imagine when you first embarked on your relationship he was not a narcissistic, egotistical, materialistic person. He was probably a reflection of good values and tolerance as I am sure you are. Sometime after you fell in love he may not have seen a reason to keep being like you.
Now that you see your dear loved one in this light, ball is in your court. You need to decide if this is the life you want. Its extremely difficult to love an alcoholic let alone one who moonlights in narcissism, egotistical, and materialistic behavior.
You need to know now that you can't fix him. Only he has that choice, and he needs to do it for him, not for you.
MicroMacro said, "You're both adults. How do you want to live your life? I suggest you think about that and then share that with him."
Try writing it down how you want to live your life, than talk to him, and what ever you decide I am sure everyone here will support you. keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
You deserve more than this patience, I hope you can see that and take action. You can't change him but you can change what you do... i have no idea why walking away is not an option, but consider if you are enabling him to continue his habit. Sorry if this is harsh but I think you should consider the man he is today, current actions, and don't hold on a wishin and a praying that someday he'll change. Marry him for who he is now, not for who you want him to become...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There is nothing you can say or do that will affect his drinking. And, by staying in his life you're essentially saying you're ok with it. I suggest Alanon, a brilliant program designed to help those involved with alcoholics to grow and change.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
alcoholic, narcissistic, egotistical, materialistic
And you are asking what you can do?
Leave.
And you are asking what you can do?
Leave.
We don't have to cling to a mistake because we've spent time making it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
It would be a crying shame to spend our lives with a self centered drunk who's only (true) love is the bottle.
These ones (sometimes) come back to the real loving world but, only if fully recovered -- which is a very long hard road that many drunks will never wish to travel.
I hate to break it down like that but,
the truth needs to be told.
Good luck
and many blessings sent.
M-Bob
These ones (sometimes) come back to the real loving world but, only if fully recovered -- which is a very long hard road that many drunks will never wish to travel.
I hate to break it down like that but,
the truth needs to be told.
Good luck
and many blessings sent.
M-Bob
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
You can't make him want to quit. Period. You have no control or influence over his alcoholism. If he doesn't want to quit there's nothing you can do or say to make it happen. Like the other posters, I would suggest Al Anon or counseling to help you sort out your feelings going forward. As it stands, to stay with this man will bring you a nightmare of chaos and misery. Just read thru the threads of ppl that have been there and done that. You'll see it pretty quickly.
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