Alcoholic Husband and Intervention - In need of advice
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
I'm so sorry Connie, I didn't realise this was an AA support thread.
Scaredwife, your husband and you are so relatively young. If he wants to stop drinking he can, there are proven ways to do so. This doesn't need to be a life sentence for you both.
Scaredwife, your husband and you are so relatively young. If he wants to stop drinking he can, there are proven ways to do so. This doesn't need to be a life sentence for you both.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Originally Posted by ConnieS77 
I have to keep the reality that there is always a chance of relapse.
We can always choose rightly, never mind the statistics of what other people choose to do.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Tatsy
I'm so sorry Connie, I didn't realise this was an AA support thread.
Scaredwife, your husband and you are so relatively young. If he wants to stop drinking he can, there are proven ways to do so. This doesn't need to be a life sentence for you both.
Scaredwife, your husband and you are so relatively young. If he wants to stop drinking he can, there are proven ways to do so. This doesn't need to be a life sentence for you both.
I sense sarcasm and I certainly wasn't trying to argue.
What program works for one may not work for the other.
He has been an addict since his teens, tried many programs and rehabs before AA and it is just what is working for him.
I love my Al anon programs and it works for us. So to each his own and good luck with your new found sobriety. 6 months is a great start!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by JeffreyAK
It's never a chance, it's always a choice. We can always choose rightly, never mind the statistics of what other people choose to do.
We can always choose rightly, never mind the statistics of what other people choose to do.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Good luck SW and many prayers. Remember you can't make him stop drinking just like you can't make him drink. Please take care of yourself and any form of abuse is unacceptable even from an intoxicated person.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
You sound very ready to go.
It's ok.
This is your life. You get to create it. You are not happy. You can make any life you want.
You said that if you leave, it's for real. Nothing changes until something changes. If you do take control of your life & choices, it would then be up to him to deal with his stuff & choose to woo you back if he wants that. Perhaps this marraige is not making him happy either?
You can't fix him, but you have every right on Earth to make choices that feel right for you. He already broke your formal vows (respect & cherish) when he became abusive. Let go of the vow guilt. The only decision is do you want this as the story of your life? As it is right now?
You cannot say you want it IF he changes. That's the control part. Do you want this for you, right now, as it actually is? If not...you have already begun to shape your exit. You lost some allies & part of the formal process, but that is only show. You know what you want. I hear your choice between each word. This doesn't appear to be joyous or functional or safe for you. And that's what a marraige is supposed to be. That's all.
It's ok.
This is your life. You get to create it. You are not happy. You can make any life you want.
You said that if you leave, it's for real. Nothing changes until something changes. If you do take control of your life & choices, it would then be up to him to deal with his stuff & choose to woo you back if he wants that. Perhaps this marraige is not making him happy either?
You can't fix him, but you have every right on Earth to make choices that feel right for you. He already broke your formal vows (respect & cherish) when he became abusive. Let go of the vow guilt. The only decision is do you want this as the story of your life? As it is right now?
You cannot say you want it IF he changes. That's the control part. Do you want this for you, right now, as it actually is? If not...you have already begun to shape your exit. You lost some allies & part of the formal process, but that is only show. You know what you want. I hear your choice between each word. This doesn't appear to be joyous or functional or safe for you. And that's what a marraige is supposed to be. That's all.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Hi Connie, no sarcasm intended, I read that ScaredWife had an AA intervention on another thread and because I recovered via a non-AA route, I try not to post in support of that alternative route, in an AA thread. I'm truly sorry if I offended you. I'm so glad that you enjoy Al Anon and your husband is sober through AA. There are more paths up that mountain.
Thank you svery much for your congratulations on my six months. I drank every day for twenty years, save for 11 days, so it's an achievement for me. Hugs for both of you
.
ScaredWife, I do hope that you're OK.
Thank you svery much for your congratulations on my six months. I drank every day for twenty years, save for 11 days, so it's an achievement for me. Hugs for both of you
.ScaredWife, I do hope that you're OK
.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 24
I'm on this site to help deal with, and figure out, my own addictive issues, which is an ongoing process. That being said, I have a lot of experience with other people's addictions and the mess they make of their loved ones lives.
I'm going to echo what someone else said...you entered into your marriage under false pretenses. If you had had all the info your choice might have been different.
Even though alcoholism is a common denominator among alcoholics, your husband sounds like an angry drunk. Be very careful. It's not safe.
It's wonderful that you want to honor your commitment to him but it sounds like you have become part of his drinking routine (for lack of a better word)...he drinks, makes promises, you want believe him and persevere. It's sort of like there are no consequences and he has the "best" of both worlds, alcohol and supportive wife.
I had an alcoholic friend who routinely would make comments about his wife being responsible for his drinking. They're still married....but they don't live together, both have suffered so deeply that that they have no concept of resolution or future, and are living paycheck to paycheck having depleted their savings from endless mandated treatment programs, court fees, and criminal penalties. AND the guy still drinks.
When you originally wrote "I am only 29. This is not the life I want to live" you sort of answered your own question. You can wait and wait for him to hit rock bottom, but trust me...for some people rock bottom is six feet under. You don't have to wait to find out. You have to do what's right for you. If you become so deeply compromised that you can no longer help yourself, let alone him, you'll be stuck.
I don't think I'd recommend threatening to leave him based on his pattern of blaming you for his drinking and aggressive behavior. There's no need to kick the beehive, just leave. It doesn't mean you have to get a divorce, just get away to a safe space where you can feel more secure and hopefully stable, then reevaluate.
Good for you SW for coming here for information and validation. You're young and have plenty of time to find healthier relationships. Like everyone else said, your husband needs to find his own motivations to quit drinking.
I'm going to echo what someone else said...you entered into your marriage under false pretenses. If you had had all the info your choice might have been different.
Even though alcoholism is a common denominator among alcoholics, your husband sounds like an angry drunk. Be very careful. It's not safe.
It's wonderful that you want to honor your commitment to him but it sounds like you have become part of his drinking routine (for lack of a better word)...he drinks, makes promises, you want believe him and persevere. It's sort of like there are no consequences and he has the "best" of both worlds, alcohol and supportive wife.
I had an alcoholic friend who routinely would make comments about his wife being responsible for his drinking. They're still married....but they don't live together, both have suffered so deeply that that they have no concept of resolution or future, and are living paycheck to paycheck having depleted their savings from endless mandated treatment programs, court fees, and criminal penalties. AND the guy still drinks.
When you originally wrote "I am only 29. This is not the life I want to live" you sort of answered your own question. You can wait and wait for him to hit rock bottom, but trust me...for some people rock bottom is six feet under. You don't have to wait to find out. You have to do what's right for you. If you become so deeply compromised that you can no longer help yourself, let alone him, you'll be stuck.
I don't think I'd recommend threatening to leave him based on his pattern of blaming you for his drinking and aggressive behavior. There's no need to kick the beehive, just leave. It doesn't mean you have to get a divorce, just get away to a safe space where you can feel more secure and hopefully stable, then reevaluate.
Good for you SW for coming here for information and validation. You're young and have plenty of time to find healthier relationships. Like everyone else said, your husband needs to find his own motivations to quit drinking.
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