ALinNS

Hello Friends, I am not sure if this is the proper forum but I am curious how those of you that have been sober for a period of time feel about this.

I have a little over 7 months of recovery from alcohol, first time it has stuck with a lot of mental help finally coming to me, discovered I am bi-polar which answered a lot of my questions surrounding my abuse of alcohol.

Generally speaking I am pretty calm, cool, collected, devoted and loving old guy, dealt with unhealthy behaviors for the most part long ago.

I was a closet binge drinker back in the day and as such I always had a stash of booze somewhere, When I sobered up I threw everything I could find out, returned empties or put them in the trash however from time to time I will open a drawer I have not been in, in a long time and maybe find an empty beer can, winter came, empties in my winter boots, although a year since I moved I find empties in some box's that I look in that were not unpacked and recently in the attic looking for things I found empties, I shake my head and throw them in the recycling.

Here is the issue, once in the while my better half will find an empty in the house, we do not live together in a spot I probably haven't been in months and the conversation are you drinking starts, it upsets me a little as I am not guilty, it's discussed and we move on.

Last evening was the exception, this past week I was in my attic looking for old xbox games, hardware etc as I want to upgrade to a new game coming, found some empties and threw them in the recycling, never really thought much about it. She came to our home early yesterday as I was at work and I knew by the way she was acting when I came home something was off, it came out later in the evening she had found empties in the room where I keep recycling, I have no reason to hide them as I am not drinking and I explained where they came from, she insisted I had relapsed although I haven't and although rare I got mad, when I get mad I withdraw and become silent, no mean just silent as I think of how to best handle this, so she left and it will probably be another week before at all before I see her again due to our work schedules.

How do you folks handle this? Its true in my past with her I would lie about drinking and hide the evidence but come to the point while sober I don't see a need to as I do not have anything to hide. I would point out we are an older couple, have an amazing relationship, but there seems to me a lack of letting go of the old me but I may be wrong.

Appreciate your comments,

JeffreyAK

Very early on, I searched my house from top to bottom, every drawer and box, every coat pocket, every shelf, and threw out all the empties. Partly, I didn't want to find them later and maybe get triggered by the blast from the past, and partly, I didn't want my wife to find them because I was trying to re-establish trust. I couldn't blame her for thinking I had gone back to drinking, after all that's exactly the old pattern, drink in secret, hide the bottles, and if caught, tell her it must have been there for years. So, I figured, why cause her to get upset and scared over nothing, when I can avoid that problem entirely by thoroughly cleaning house.

ljc267

That's a tough one, because she has a reason to feel as she does. She's worried that you will fall back into drinking.

I would sit her down and calmly explain exactly what happened, why the bottles where in the trash, and confirm you did not have a drink. That's really all you can do.

sg1970

It takes time to rebuild trust. The reality is in the world of recovery 7 months isn't very long.

All you can really do is stay sober, stay calm, explain the truth, and then let her work through her side of the situation.

schnappi99

I beg pardon posting here, I am an alanon but I might be able to help express what might be going thru her head. Towards the bottom I was a bottle-searcher because I was afraid & angry & frustrated with my wife, her behavior was terrible as was mine. The hidden bottles were like red meat- PROOF that I could confront her with & I did. Those were bad times. If I discovered bottles again I would likely experience a PTSD sort of response that I hope my program would help me handle. Accordingly seeing new empties in the trash would tend to make me jump to conclusions and think explanations are excuses.

I'd be inclined to suggest giving her the freedom to have her reaction and let it go, you've explained once and pushing your argument will probably only come across as insisting on excuses. Instead of reacting to her, perhaps stay diligent on your program in whatever form it takes and let your actions speak for you. Relapse looks like relapse and recovery looks like recovery. In a way I think she's not being fair but its likely she is having a big fear & anger response seeing empties in such a way so she may be unable to have a fair response till that passes. IMHO seeing you steady in your program, steady on your meds and responsibly conducting yourself is a better answer to her than anything you can say.

If she does not have a program herself, she may be having considerable difficulty if things got messy between you two back when you were drinking- the friends & family of alcoholics can get stuck in our heads, dominated by our hypersensitive patterns of thought and instinctive responses to the alcoholic even though they are in recovery and making progress. I am transformed from that by Alanon, but there are many different methods. It might be possible for you to suggest some kind of program for her but I would urge caution about doing so while she is in reaction.

tomsteve

how I handled it early on is different than how I handled it early on.
early on, I was quite sensitive to accusations, so I got defensive.
the longer I was sober, I outgrew that sensitivity. I know the truth- that being that I haven't drank. and if anyone wants to think I have drank...welp..I know the truth and if anyone wants to have that opinion, they are free to have it and its their problem, not mine.

Aellyce

First off, the accusation is very understandable. My thinking is in line with tomsteve's otherwise. I would consider withdrawing and becoming silent in response to this defensive. I would not let the incident create a distance between my partner and myself. Would respond to the questions in a direct, calm manner and would not make a fuss about it but would let her know that I understand and am there to talk if she needs to. Otherwise I would give her space, just move on and not show upset, because I think defensiveness might just fuel mistrust and ot's not where you would like to go, I believe.

ScottFromWI

I think the answer is just be honest. You cannot control how other people think, and quite frankly it's not surprising that those close to us would be skeptical if an empty bottle or can just shows up. We lied for years and years, it will take time to rebuild trust. But if you can be honest and stay sober it will improve most likely.

Forward12

I really couldn't blame your partner as they likely have been pretty severely traumatized by your drinking of the past, and seeing cans in the trash likely triggers an instant "here we go again"
Trust will take a long time to gain back, and things will be rocky for a while until you've firmly got your sobriety locked down.
In the mean time, I would do the mother of all cleanings and search every inch of the house to make sure you get everything out once and for all.

soberandhonest

Hi AL: Just so you know, you aren't alone in this. My SO has made similar accusations during my 15 months of sobriety. I, just like you, got a bit defensive. It's hard not to. We have worked very hard to get these months under our belt and it hurts when the person closest to us doesn't believe us. Nonetheless, I do strongly believe that our own truth is what matters most. Others are also right that we spent years deceiving our SO's and we need to be patient with them as we rebuild that trust. A calm, honest denial is probably best, although you and I both know that is a lot easier said than done. I'm glad you made this post! Good luck to you!

biminiblue

Congratulations on seven months, that's a miracle right there. I find quiet peace in just knowing I am doing the right thing. If you continue, your wife may be able to relax a little as well. To her seven months isn't nearly enough time. I hope you will continue to be kind and loving.

paulokes

Roll with it. Most of us have given people reason to mistrust. Just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully your behaviour will tell in the long run.

It's hard to suck up things like this but I always reminded myself of the times when I was accused, I lied and I got away with it. Maybe it's payback

P.S I eventually lost a job after I was accused of relapsing when I was 9 months sober. There were other reasons, but that was the root of it. Hurt like hell. I eventually got a better job.

P

MicroMacro

That's a lot of empties. Put yourself in her position. How is she supposed to react when she's either finding hidden bottles or finding ones you placed in recycling? The sight of them creates fear in her each time.

I'm surprised that you're so surprised she's angry. Has it occurred to you that she's probably sick and tired of seeing alcohol bottles around the house - hidden or not? And after 7 months, it's still an issue - all because you haven't taken the time to comb the house thoroughly to make sure they're all gone.

So - why not do that?

It does beg the question - how may can there be ... ?

Isaiah

Yeah, I've been in a similar situation. Just recently in fact. In my case it wasn't a forgotten empty, but just my behavior for a couple days wasn't normal. Family member straight up said, "I know you've been drinking." I hadn't. Being honest with them was one part of it. I didn't nor would I admit to drinking I hadn't actually done. That's the easy honesty to handle.

The more difficult honesty is honesty about the situation being what it is. Trust takes time to get re-established, not just for you but for all of us. If she didn't believe you, it means that the trust hadn't been built yet. This might be a setback for that trust, but what can you do? You can tell the truth but you can't force trust. Keep doing the right thing. If in time you're able to prove that you've changed into someone dependable, then even this incident will resolve itself too.

BrendaChenowyth

It'll take time for her to trust you again. Perhaps the two of you together can do some spring cleaning and then you will both know that all the empties that might have been squirreled away are gone! And after that if she does find one, then she knows what's what. Show you are willing to be completely transparent with her about it.

shortstop81

I've been in similar situations with loved ones (well, one particular loved one who was particularly sensitive to it).

It's been hard not getting defensive about it, especially when I *have* been finally telling the truth for once in my life. But that's just it - I've been caught lying SO MANY times that God knows how long it'll take for certain people to trust me again.

I say keep on keeping on. You can't change how she feels, but you can continue to show her that you're moving forward in your recovery. She can either be on board with you on the journey or not, but it may take some (or a lot!) of time before she feels confident and safe.

steve-in-kville

I personally found that not getting defensive works pretty well. I know this may not help your particular situation, but I've often simply said, "believe what you want", ended the discussion and walked away.