bluedog97

I've heard this phrase in AA meetings. I can relate to it. I think I have a ginormous ego that I used alcohol to placate. Now that the booze is gone, I find my other urges and instincts flaring up. The 7 deadly sins come to mind - greed, envy, lust, gluttony, wrath, sloth, and pride. I am victim to all of them. My ego/addiction wants an endless amount of whatever will satisfy it. My low self-esteem basically tells me I'm not good enough.

The BB of AA talks about how only a spiritual experience will cure our malady. And to give rather than look to receive.

ScottFromWI

I think just about all of us have some ego or other psychological issues going on underneath our addiction. Trying to address it is probably the hardest thing about recovery IMHO, no matter how you go about it. Recognizing it is essential though of course.

Gottalife

Hi Bluedog,
Pretty good inventory there. I discovered the same things in my fourth step. It was my MO when sober that caused my failure. A life changing spiritual epxerience was definitely the answer.

bluedog97

I did a 4th and 5th last year, but went back out. I'm sort of stuck, back at 45 days. I need a sponsor to finish the steps.

All I know is this rings true for me. There's never enough booze. And there's never enough money, or power or whatever else you seek to fill the void. Besides that all leads back to the booze for me anyway.

zjw

I dunno i have to try and ignore my ego. and ignore my mind when it tells me crap like i'm not good enough etc..

My mind and ego loves to drag me around by the nose and take me for one hell of a detour if i allow it.

I read it eckhart tolle maybe? to try and be the watcher on the wall rather then the angry dictotor of your life etc..

Berrybean

Yes. I find this Humility Prayer (adapted from a Catholic Litany) really helps me on a daily basis. Both as I prepare for the day as part of my daily prayers, and also as a tool for step 10 reflection or inventory at the end of the day...

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from my ego, and the desire of being: admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my fears and ego and not act on those whims.

Amen

bluedog97

I've never heard this prayer before. I'm going to start using it, thx Berrybean.

MicroMacro

I encourage you to think for yourself and to listen to your heart. It'll never betray you - never has. It speaks quietly though. You have to learn to hear to it.

You have to want to.

MrDavid

Yeah, I hear you, bluedog. If there was one phrase, just one, that can make anyone feel inadequate, especially yours truly, it would definitely be "It’s all in your head", sir. It literally drives me bananas.

I remember hearing this phrase back in 2001 when I began my journey into sobriety. From there, it has morphed into something far more pervasive than anyone originally intended. And that is only the beginning.

What has become abundantly clear, however, despite our best intentions, is the amount of divisiveness that exists, not just in AA, but also in the world. The lack of sympathy we have for others or the world around us can only lead to more conflicts. And if we don’t challenge this supposition, somehow, someway, the unintended consequences may diminish our ability to help others, now and in the future.

The phrase "it's only in my head" seems a bit confusing to me and here’s why. It tries to diminish our own personal struggles through a series of misguided interpretations, and then write it off as some form of mental condition designed specifically for weak minded individuals like yours truly. Doesn’t it sound more like a force-feeding of humble pie than an actual response? It does to me. And what about the struggles we experience every day? Do they have less to do with real life events and the hardships we all endure, and more about our own personal ego trip, or worse? Well, isn’t that convenient? It’s like the struggles we go through are not real, but imaginary. This is where the confusion begins.

Even if the phrase is used properly, it can profoundly change how we view ourselves and others. It can also affect both our physical and mental well-being. More importantly, it may cast a negative light on our own personal ambitions, whether they seem justified or not. So if that is the case, how can anyone, who is of sound mind and body, perceive what is real and what is just a bi-product of our own imagination? Good question.

Now, some might say “You’re being overly sensitive” Maybe, they’re right. If I am, then apologies are forthcoming. But if I’m not, there must be a very good reason, and here’s the reason why. It took me years to realize I needed help and that it wasn’t just in my head. It also took me many years to regain all my mental faculties. So, to me, this phrase implies that nothing that I feel, perceive or think is real, and everything is linked to my current mental state. How unfortunate. To make matters worse, I have to hear this bloody phrase every day at meetings. It can drive me batty.

So if I seem overly dramatic or simply crazy, again, I apologize. It’s not my intentions, at all. If there is one thing I’ve learned, however, despite my reckless intentions, it’s this: We need to see people for who they are and not who we perceive them to be. And how negative connotations like ‘it’s all in your head’ or “it’s just your imagination playing tricks on you” have no place in recovery, at least not in my opinion. It’s where I draw the line, literally. I hope you agree. Onward.

Centered3

I laughed out loud when I read the title of this post. Yup, I think most of us would agree to this statement if we were to do an honest self-appraisal.

The 7 deadly sins can also be referred to as "character defects" from the big book of AA. These are the things that block us from God. They're all ego-driven to make us feel better about ourselves but they cause more harm than good. Our mind lies to us and tells us these things will help us. I was taught to ask God to remove them (Steps 6 and 7).

Yup. That's alcoholism in whatever form (pills, gambling, drugs, drinking, bulimia, sex, video games, spending, binging....) in a nutshell. We keep listening to the ego/mind/addiction voice (AVRT) to give it what it wants. Also referred to in meetings as "King Baby" lol.

You've come to the right place, lol. That's our ego/mind/beast/the voice/our addiction, whatever you want to call it. I know now that my low self-esteem is based on all lies. No one is better than or less than in the eyes of God; we are equal. And the people who put those "tapes" in my mind that caused the low self-esteem and continue to play decades later--they are spiritually sick and I no longer believe what they said.

Yup! I faught it for decades but now that I'm on the other side, I can say from personal experience that the BB was right.

The LAST thing in the world that our ego/addiction wants, is what we really need to recover. What we really need is God. That's the solution.

Our addiction/ego/mind does and says everything possible to get you to avoid having a spiritual awakening, because it doesn't want to be crushed and die. That's why recovery is so hard. (Reminds me of the AA expression of how our addiction does "pushups" as we work on recovering).

"The beast" keeps trying to talk us out of it because it wants us to stay sick. These aren't my original ideas/thoughts here, they are my combined experience, sponsor's guidance, and favorite circuit speakers.

NewRomanMan

The 12x12 addresses this topic pretty well, I think. It helped me a lot, opening my eyes to the fact that I wanted far more than my fair share of the instinctual things in life that drive us, (actually in my case, it was all pleasure or security driven). Until I learned to curb that appetite and focus less on myself I struggled terribly.

kevlarsjal

This is an interesting topic, thanks for posting.

Maybe I'm just terribly confused and deluded but I think my problem is the opposite most of the times but it's causing the same symptoms so to speak. I feel like I'm never good enough too but not because I want to be the best or better than others or anything. I've never been much competitive and I'm happy to give more than I take. Also if my doing doesn't affect anyone I don't really expect much from myself. Anything is good enough as long as I enjoyed the process of it. But I have this immense fear of letting people down or disappointing them. Not cause I worry about what they think of me but cause I don't want to be the cause for someone else's worries or problems. Which often makes life nearly impossible. I can feel guilt for eating the food that might have saved someone else's life in a poor country. I feel like a monster when I step on a bug and cause it's death cause I don't think my life is superior to any other life form. I can get so tangled up in these thoughts and I think it's cause I haven't developed much of an ego.

Berrybean

OK. Here's a question for you. What do you think it is in you that tells you that it would or should be possible for you to be the one person who never accidentally treads on a bug; or should be able to solve the world's hunger problem by eating up. And what makes you think that anyone is worrying about you? For me, that would be my ego, every time.

The answer to the pain of our dilemma is Humility - and that's one slippery bar of soap to keep hold of. Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, rather, think of ourselves less. When we become slightly more right-sized, then the problem of self is automatically less of a burden.

BB

kevlarsjal

It's not that I want to be the exceptional human who manages to never do any harm to anyone or never step on a bug. It's not that I want to stand out or want to be admired or seen as something better. I honestly feel like utter **** when I think about all the people suffering because of my decisions (like buying a tshirt, think of all the poor people that worked for that and are treated like **** in countries like Bangladesh). I wish I could live somehow without ever effecting any other life form in a bad way. But in all honesty my motivation behind that is not admiration or anything like that. I just don't want anyone to suffer because of me.

And I don't expect myself to be able to solve the world hunger problem and I don't fantasise about being honoured for that. But I feel it's unfair that I can eat all this food just because I was born in a wealthy country and others can't.

And what makes me think anyone is worrying about me? Well the people who tell me they don't think I do what I should be doing. Mostly my parents and other family members. If they say "it makes me so sad to see you do ________ when you could be doing _______" "it upsets me to see you waste your talent, potential etc" I don't have any desire to do most of the things but it breaks my heart to see them being unhappy because of me living my life the "wrong" way. I wouldnt exist without my parents and I feel like I owe them my life. It's what I'm working on now, to learn that I actually can decide about my life and that I'm not just existing to please them and make them happy. It still seems strange and unnatural to me. My therapist said I have a problem with humility but in the opposite way. It's the cause of many of my issues not the solution. She thinks I care too much about others and not enough about myself and that I gave myself up when I was very little.

Berrybean

Sounds like Codependency. That's fairly common in alcoholics - I know lots of people in the rooms of AA who also use CoDa for that reason.

Have you seen this Humility Prayer? Why not just go along with your therapist for a bit and see what happens (you know that thing of thinking you know better than the person being paid to give their expert advice?... fairly common as well. It can be a real barrier to recovery.)

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.



Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

ScottFromWI

It sounds like you are doing some really good exploration into the topic kevlarsjal, and your therapist sound like a pretty insightful person. And like all issues of this type, it takes quite a bit of time to understand them. Keep working at it and you'll find some clarity and relief.

FBL

I find that practicing daily gratitude (or "counting my blessings") helps keep the ol' ego in check.

Andante

Hi kevlarsjal, sounds like you're a very sensitive and compassionate person, and those are good qualities to have.

What about making an effort to using those qualities in a constructive way as opposed to self-denigration? For example, you could volunteer at a soup kitchen for the homeless, or for a movement to protect workers' rights in developing countries.

I've found that action is often the cure for thinking too obsessively about my own inadequacies and unworthiness.

And yes, it can help establish and build the independence from your parents that you need in order to become a fully functioning adult human being in your own right, which you totally deserve.

kevlarsjal

Berrybean, I'm not sure I understand correctly what you say. You suggest I go with what my therapist says and that prayer?

How I understood it, that's impossible because the prayer suggests more humility is the answer and my therapist suggests the opposite. She says I have to learn to think less about others and more about myself and put myself first.
According to her personality test I had too many points on the humility scale and not enough on the ego scale.

Also I don't think I know better than her. I feel not always understood and I find some of the things questionable that she says (like when she suggested I should have a beer with my friends) but in general I value her opinion highly because she is as said a professional.

Berrybean

Ahhh. Sorry. My mistake. I misunderstood what you said the therapist was saying. However, lack of humility isn't the same as thinking that we're great. It's just thinking too much about ourselves. Good or bad. Having too much of a focus on ourself. Constantly thinking how rubbish we are and how awful that is can be just as lacking in humility as when we're focussing too much on our good points. Like I said. Humility is about thinking about ourselves less. So perhaps instead of sitting dwelling on our part in world problems, we can focus on someone else instead.

The volunteer suggestion could be a good un.

BB