What it was and what it became
 

It started as a warm flush to my cheeks, a carefree start to planning a well plated meal, a celebratory start to a long week at work. “Happy” happy hours. Places with a good wine list.

And then it became something else. I believe now for me at least, it had always been waiting to show itself what it had been all along. All it needed was for me to rely on it during one of the darkest periods of my life, and then it would show me what havoc it could unleash upon me.

My glass was like the devil coming to collect his tax after it knew I started to rely on it and need it.

It became my shame for giving myself on a few occasions to men I had no desire to share myself with, and then compounded by more shame for being used, and for allowing it.

It became my quickest and easiest pain free attempt at escaping myself, unbeknownst to me that there would in fact be a price and that eventually I would be facing myself I would have even more to resolve within myself.

It became my loneliest friendship, which over time ironically ensured it was all that remained.

It ensured ever good intention I had for myself was put in a perpetual hold. Over time it made me believe that those dreams and intentions were not possible I was not deserving or capable of such accomplishments.

It changed my thought processes in such a way where I had become averse to consequences. I woke up fearful of myself the things I had allowed myself to do to myself, and the risks I took.

It became the fog that clouded all of my judgements, and took my ability to express thoughts or experience emotions coherently, I wasn’t able to feel the good, but for some reason it became an amplifier for anything bad.

It took my faith in others, my family…my friends and even closed my heart. It provided me with shame, guilt, diminished self-worth and a new hostile worldview. This was it’s greatest chance at ensuring it would remain the sole heir to whatever heap of pickled flesh I turned into.

It took the color from my life and changed everything to grey.

Most profoundly…trauma, pain or crisis changes a person, and then you can’t go back to being who maybe you once were, because you can’t ‘unknow’ what you now know. Drinking through a personal crisis brings your pain to a depth that is accompanied by every fear you have ever had, guaranteed to be compounded by new ones.

It will make you believe that you are of no worth to this world. Its greatest talent is in killing you off slowly spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, until you fail to truly exist.

I want to get so very far away from what I traded to drink and what I allowed drinking to take from me.

**I am probably not at a point where I can offer anyone advice and due to my work right now, I’m not able to post as often as I might even need. Writing was the one thing I used to enjoy, when my brain was able to formulate complete coherent sentences and I wasn’t void of emotions that weren’t cloaked in disgust, rage and a nasty
hangover.

So all I can do is try to get this out as I move into a new month of not uncorking a bottle of wine.

Still scared, still ashamed, but I am still trying.

For the regular posters out there…I see your names come up repeatedly with incredible advice, support and a lot of clarity for people struggling early in this change. I appreciate reading your posts. They are likely helping others to save theselves.

Very profound thoughts halfalife, I hope writing them out is helpful to you in your journey. For me it was beer instead of wine, but it did the same damage to me over time. Hope you can find some time to join us in your schedule, SR has been a lifesaver for me.

I read hundreds of posts a week on SR...its helped me through many a tough days and tougher evenings. Thank you.

Everything you have written here demonstrates that you have what it takes to liberate yourself from this prison alcohol has put you in.

You are intelligent...the ability to objectively analyze cause and effect is a big help.

You have self-awareness...you don't see drinking as something that "just happens" to you.

You value compassion and kindness in others...which means you have compassion and kindness within you. You just need to start applying those qualities to yourself and see that the person you are deep down is not the flawed mess your addiction wants you to believe...you are a good person with a bad problem.

Know that the bad problem is something you can solve.

What are your next steps?

You can do this.

Thank you, Ariesagain.

I miss feeling hopeful and excited for the future...so far, positive efforts are driven towards what the future might hold. So I have been waking up and deciding to not drink. I stay busy enough in a traveling job and my fitness is important (which is ironically counterintuitive to my previous lifestyle).

So, for the next 60 days...my plan is to wake up sober, eat well, sleep as well as I can, be busy (home projects and work travel) and then when possibly my heart and spirit feel a little better about my efforts...I will set new goals.

I have told no one...not my family, really no one. I am not prepared to share with anyone how bad things have gotten in two and a half years.

I can be disciplined when I need to, quit smoking cold turkey 15 years ago...but this as you likely know is different.

Great post. You have an obvious gift for words.

Your perspective is profound, and I have a feeling that you will find your way back to who you were, or even better, who you hope to be.

For me, it isn't about self-discipline so much? I'm one of those who if I feel that I am deprived of something it's all I can think about.

So I had to switch my perception of drinking. I'm sure I bore people here with saying this over and over, but I'll say it again :)...liberation not deprivation.

I am liberated from sleepless, sweaty, heart-pounding nights. I am liberated from wasted evenings I don't remember. I am liberated from reflux, rosacea, yellow eyes and skin, headaches, and most of my anxiety. I am liberated from the five pounds I kept putting back on. I am liberated from wasting money on wine.

Most of all I am liberated from the constant internal warfare about when to drink, how much to drink, how much is too much, how much did I have yesterday, what time is it, what time is too early, how much is left, how much will DH drink...that constant yammering in my head.

It's much quieter in there now.

You can choose to be freed from all that, too.

Thank you Ariesagain and ljc267,

The idea of being liberated from it is the outlook I have as well. I know how I arrived at this point. I guess it surprised me in that over the last six months, my fatigue and how I was feeling overall were finally admitted and attributed to drinking. My body, mind and spirit were surrendering and I couldn't deny it.

Your comments related to sleepless, sweaty, heart-pounding nights, wasted evenings, headaches, and anxiety...as well as the logistical nightmare and rationalization games played on when is the appropriate time of the day to dismantle ones life - I want to get as far away from that as I can.

I know it all comes down to a daily choice to not drink, multiply it times the rest of my life.

I know that's the only way to do this. Thank you for sharing that perspective, so far it's reminding me of how I don't want to live that has helped me get through the tough nights.

I had a similar decent, I went from alcohol is great, to good, to ok, to bad, and finally real bad. Funny it took me that long to realize the trend, but hey I'm hard headed. It looks like you caught on quicker then me.

I'm 39, and over the course of my young adult life up to now...I was a casual drinker with a lot of hard binges in between. I had no daily habit, no need to ensure it was centered around all my activities, no need to rationalize my intake, no games were played with buying bottles all over town.

It wasn't until between 30-37 that it changed somewhat to reliance, random blackouts, minimal moderation. I talked about alcohol differently with a tinge of shame attached.

Then my divorce beginning in October 2014. What a perfect opportunity to break ones heart further than by overindulgence x1000. I could have chose a million other healthy habits to help in my healing, but I was ashamed and scared and I hid my pain through drinking. I didn't want anyone to know how bad I was hurting, so I drank.

Then more, and then quite a bit more. And because I don't do anything half-assed, I made sure in those two years I consumed quite a bit. Somehow I ate very well, went to work, maintained my fitness level. But at night...pathetic slurring mess.

Six months ago waking up sweating, depressed, anxious and my life not getting better it became impossible to ignore. Sprinkle in some health issues, and overall lack of satisfaction, being lonelier than I have ever felt and I knew exactly what had to change.

Great post, halfalife. Alcohol abuse really does a job on us over time, that's for sure.

Excellent OP post, halflife. Definitely pushed some memory buttons with me. I'm glad it jogged some thoughts about my recovery process. http://dinarvets.com/forums/uploads/..._thumbs_up.gif

It was a drunken war zone.

Hit complete deflation.

Got and stayed sober.

(Slowly) built a new life based on God and sobriety.

Was no longer in collision with everything and everyone around me.

The war was over.

M-Bob

Thank you gregknight.

It's reading about other peoples struggles and how they felt so strongly urged that they had to change - for me that is helping to move me forward. Alcoholism is not poetic or romantic, it just leaves you in pieces. I know for certain it's changed me in a short period of time. I can feel it.

I also know for certain that the other choice will quickly destroy any hopes I have for a decent, healthy and happy life, as well as possibly shorten it by a half or more.

Best to you.

M-bob..I enjoy reading everything you post out there and you are out there helping anyone you can. That says a lot about what you've battled.

But you've actually told us, right? And that's a start. We understand because we've all been there, and for me it was pretty much the same...I drank for a couple of decades but the last few years spiraled out of control before I saw it coming.

I personally feel that honesty with ourselves, and those around us is the cornerstone of getting sober. And while you may not be one to shout from the rooftops that you are an alcoholic ( I am not! ), I think that in order to change we need to share with others. And be honest with others - including those close to us in our lives. Think about if things were flipped...would you not want to know if someone you were close to was struggling mightily and needed help?

very deep writing there,half.
just one thing- you typed you read hundreds of posts a week.
but typed above:
"and due to my work right now, I’m not able to post as often as I might even need. "

seems if you have the time to do all that reading, you should have the time to post.

ScottfromWI

Thank you... SR allows me to share without shameful worried glances and assumptions that I have just allowed myself to fail. Everyone here is fighting for their lives and it's felt instantly that it's safe to share ones most shameful pieces of themselves.

My parents are hard working Midwestern middle aged decent folks with health problems. I would feel terrible for burdening them.

Moving from out west to the east coast has helped the situation become worse in that drinking causes you to isolate. Moving here and starting over placed me in a situation where I had no one local to reach out to and truth be told probably wouldn't have...I had grown fiercely independent and clung to that isolation in recent years. I had given up on people (I won't go into the details of how I arrived at that point).

My sole best friend lives in Europe and on my two visits to see her, and sporadic Skype calls, chats...she knows in her heart that I am battling something. I feel selfish to share it or burden anyone. I guess that is the truth of it.

I already feel awful about a handful of things I have become...I don't want to create worry or worse, for them to see me how I see myself.

I dug this hole...so I feel deeply that I have to fix this on my own. I do agree that I would want to know if someone I loved was struggling with something that could kill them in the end. I am not certain why I apply different rules for myself.

Thanks tomsteve.

I read the posts in bed from my phone every single night. I do have the time to write, not always sure what to say.

I could have written that paragraph on my last six months of drinking. Not sure if that crescendo is common or not, but the last straw for me was when I developed anxiety, had a few panic attacks, and my heart would pound, at times, for no known reason. I knew if I wanted to be above ground for a while and sane I had to quit.