What it was and what it became
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
Ljc267, I think our bodies try to tell us early in subtle ways before the alarms start really ringing.
I am more aware than I would like to be of where all the life sustaining organs are in my body and attentive to every ache and pain.
My body has been very tolerant of the constant barrage of poison, but based on how I went about drinking - I would assume a hospital stay would be on the horizon.
Glad I'm scared, grateful for being fearful right now. It's keeping me from making the wrong choices.
I am more aware than I would like to be of where all the life sustaining organs are in my body and attentive to every ache and pain.
My body has been very tolerant of the constant barrage of poison, but based on how I went about drinking - I would assume a hospital stay would be on the horizon.
Glad I'm scared, grateful for being fearful right now. It's keeping me from making the wrong choices.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Your posts show great insight and have charted the progression of alcoholism very well. Your nickname is quite apt. When we drink we are not fully engaging in life, that' for sure, even though all the beer commercials in the world would like us to believe otherwise.
I tend to be independent too; it's too easy for me to isolate because I like to be alone! I enjoy writing and creating, but that requires being alone, so it's a catch 22 there, as writing is a great outlet. I used to even think I wrote better after a few drinks. HAH! What a lie. Okay, glad you've found us and you can just be yourself here and not worry about what anyone thinks. Let go of the shame, friend, It's a hinderance. You can do this!
I tend to be independent too; it's too easy for me to isolate because I like to be alone! I enjoy writing and creating, but that requires being alone, so it's a catch 22 there, as writing is a great outlet. I used to even think I wrote better after a few drinks. HAH! What a lie. Okay, glad you've found us and you can just be yourself here and not worry about what anyone thinks. Let go of the shame, friend, It's a hinderance. You can do this!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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The progression is very obvious now...at the time it never occurred to me that after finishing a bottle I could finish two with little effort and it should have set off an alarm.
The weekends are the hardest for me...I enjoy being alone and the independence, but loneliness is a whole different ballgame. I don't deliberately set out to isolate, I just over time have connected less and shared less.
I brood and ruminate about myself, but I am leaps and bounds more kind and supportive of the people I love.
In my recent abstinence, I have been able to feel and think with more clarity than I have in a long time. I am very grateful for that.
SR is very comforting. I hope I have some time between myself and drinking at some point to help others as everyone here does for one another.
The weekends are the hardest for me...I enjoy being alone and the independence, but loneliness is a whole different ballgame. I don't deliberately set out to isolate, I just over time have connected less and shared less.
I brood and ruminate about myself, but I am leaps and bounds more kind and supportive of the people I love.
In my recent abstinence, I have been able to feel and think with more clarity than I have in a long time. I am very grateful for that.
SR is very comforting. I hope I have some time between myself and drinking at some point to help others as everyone here does for one another.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
I remember a month ago knowing I had turned a corner (after a rough couple of nights of bad choices and my hangover symptoms were changing). I knew I needed to find the strength very soon to stop. I had a bad feeling, be it the guilt and shame for all the recklessness, whatever it was - I knew right then that I had to try.
Somehow I found SR after searching late at night for answers.
I have relied on it quite a bit so far and after only a few weeks into making the decision to stop, I know I have just begun. Lot of brave, strong and courageous people on SR, I am grateful for the encouragement.
Somehow I found SR after searching late at night for answers.
I have relied on it quite a bit so far and after only a few weeks into making the decision to stop, I know I have just begun. Lot of brave, strong and courageous people on SR, I am grateful for the encouragement.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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Your post made me very emotional, halfalife. Almost everything you said brought back bittersweet memories of how it once was - and what it evolved into. I was so innocent & inexperienced decades ago when I had my first sips. Never could I have imagined the road it was putting me on. I'm happy that at 39 you've begun to reclaim your life. I went on much longer, clinging to the fun it once was - causing more damage & heartache at every turn.
I'm so glad you're here to share your thoughts, and to receive the help & encouragement we offer each other. Not sure where I'd be without SR.
I'm so glad you're here to share your thoughts, and to receive the help & encouragement we offer each other. Not sure where I'd be without SR.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by halfalife 
It's not fun and I'm definitely not giggling anymore. Sober Saturday night.
and glad to see ya found something to type!!
I drank the giggles away,too- they were gone. nothing but gloom,dispair, and agony- although id try and mask that I wasn't feeling that way internally.
since yer here tonight, are ya lookin at recovery plans/programs?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Hevyn...hope that emotional trigger didn't cause you distress. I often read stories on SR that make my heart ache, but then grateful that all of us are here finding our way through struggles and recovering.
Thank you for the encouragement. I do not blame the divorce, I don't claim the victim mindset...I know this is about choices, daily that I have to make to rebuild the life I want for myself. It wasn't accidental that I got to this point. I can only say that I was not aware at the time that it can and will take you, even if every other aspect and habit in your life is controlled and carefully crafted.
I just know that I made the choice to rely on drinking at the worst possible time. For some it starts without a personal crisis I suppose.
I can sense that this will be a time in my life where I have to truly fight every day to make the right choice because if I don't, it will ruin my life.
I appreciate you reaching out. Today has been a tough one.
Thank you for the encouragement. I do not blame the divorce, I don't claim the victim mindset...I know this is about choices, daily that I have to make to rebuild the life I want for myself. It wasn't accidental that I got to this point. I can only say that I was not aware at the time that it can and will take you, even if every other aspect and habit in your life is controlled and carefully crafted.
I just know that I made the choice to rely on drinking at the worst possible time. For some it starts without a personal crisis I suppose.
I can sense that this will be a time in my life where I have to truly fight every day to make the right choice because if I don't, it will ruin my life.
I appreciate you reaching out. Today has been a tough one.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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tomsteve. Thanks again for reaching out.
Today has been an anxious and strange day. I have been on SR reading and posting a lot because I know by Monday and the following week, work will have my time and brain consumed, and I will be back on the road.
I have not started a recovery plan quite yet. Although I have quit virtually cold turkey, I have not introduced anything other into my plans. I go to the gym about 5 days a week, work a standard 50 hours or so per week, focus on nutrition, sleep hygiene and routines. It doesn't feel like much, but it's keeping me focused on positive habits. Because I travel sporadically, its hard to establish routines anywhere else in my life. I read quite a bit, and I am writing again. I used to be artistic elsewhere when I didn't douse my brain for years in red wine and vodka.
I have considered going to an AA meeting and a regular contributor on SR shared information on AVRT, but I haven't made efforts towards them yet.
It's where I have started. I know it's not a plan, just moreso a change in habits.
I have also considered meeting with a counselor to resolve lingering issues I know I need to resolve and work through.
Today has been an anxious and strange day. I have been on SR reading and posting a lot because I know by Monday and the following week, work will have my time and brain consumed, and I will be back on the road.
I have not started a recovery plan quite yet. Although I have quit virtually cold turkey, I have not introduced anything other into my plans. I go to the gym about 5 days a week, work a standard 50 hours or so per week, focus on nutrition, sleep hygiene and routines. It doesn't feel like much, but it's keeping me focused on positive habits. Because I travel sporadically, its hard to establish routines anywhere else in my life. I read quite a bit, and I am writing again. I used to be artistic elsewhere when I didn't douse my brain for years in red wine and vodka.
I have considered going to an AA meeting and a regular contributor on SR shared information on AVRT, but I haven't made efforts towards them yet.
It's where I have started. I know it's not a plan, just moreso a change in habits.
I have also considered meeting with a counselor to resolve lingering issues I know I need to resolve and work through.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
looking back, I can see where I crossed the line into full blown alcoholism- I could no longer not drink even when I didn't want to. I didn't see it at the time, but I see it now.
and still drank for 9 more years with everything getting worse- the most crucial was internally- I was hating myself more and more as time went on.
when I got sober, it was a fight- fighting the mental obsession. I worked at fighting one day at a time, but some days it was down to one second at a time. the great thing that kept me fighting was my past- i heard early on(in AA) that if ya don't remember your last drunk, ya haven't had it yet.
welp, i don't remember much of my last drunk. it was a rip snortin blackout. but i remembered a LOT from the next day. i remembered the terror,bewilderment, and remorse. people in AA said it would get better if i worked for it. i put faith in their words and kept fighting.
getting sober was the hardest thing ive ever done- harder than fighting cancer.
staying sober has been easy and well worth every second of fight.
half, it WILL get easier. its going to take T.I.M.E., but it will. wish i could say only a week or 2, but that's not the case- years of drinking and the insanity that comes with it isn't going to be fixed quickly, but as long as ya fight and put in footwork on changing you, it WILL get easier.
on the other hand, it is possible to say its already improving:
you've gotten out of denial about the seriousness of what alcohol is doing- that's improvement.
youre out of denial about the wreckage alcohol has done- that's improvement.
youre here and sharing whats going on- that's improvement.
youre sober on a Saturday night- that's improvement.
and still drank for 9 more years with everything getting worse- the most crucial was internally- I was hating myself more and more as time went on.
when I got sober, it was a fight- fighting the mental obsession. I worked at fighting one day at a time, but some days it was down to one second at a time. the great thing that kept me fighting was my past- i heard early on(in AA) that if ya don't remember your last drunk, ya haven't had it yet.
welp, i don't remember much of my last drunk. it was a rip snortin blackout. but i remembered a LOT from the next day. i remembered the terror,bewilderment, and remorse. people in AA said it would get better if i worked for it. i put faith in their words and kept fighting.
getting sober was the hardest thing ive ever done- harder than fighting cancer.
staying sober has been easy and well worth every second of fight.
half, it WILL get easier. its going to take T.I.M.E., but it will. wish i could say only a week or 2, but that's not the case- years of drinking and the insanity that comes with it isn't going to be fixed quickly, but as long as ya fight and put in footwork on changing you, it WILL get easier.
on the other hand, it is possible to say its already improving:
you've gotten out of denial about the seriousness of what alcohol is doing- that's improvement.
youre out of denial about the wreckage alcohol has done- that's improvement.
youre here and sharing whats going on- that's improvement.
youre sober on a Saturday night- that's improvement.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
I don't know when I changed. I know I started to plan for it, hide it, justify it, discuss it with excuses, lies, shame, became reckless in ways I wouldn't have before.
Today was a painful day of the good and the bad clarity. I enjoy these days overall because they help me see things for what they are. Even though my empty house is hard to come home to now, and it feels lonelier lately. I don't particularly feel bonded to anyone I work with, but it provides some minimal human contact.
I stopped at the grocery store tonight on the way home from the gym to grab spinach and bunch of fruit. I have recently replaced my nightly habit with smoothies and tea for now.
In the corner of that store is a beautiful wine section that I know shelf by shelf is stocked with my preferred bottles. I didn't beeline for it as I would before and grab my two bottles of red.
Your response brought on a few tears tonight as have a few others today...it's just one of those days. I want to remember how it felt to enjoy waking up and liking myself. For quite some time now I have not enjoyed much, and I certainly haven't liked myself.
I want to be proud of myself...and although no one in my professional or personal life really knows much because I have hid all of this, I feel like a farce. So, I am making the change my life. Even though it feels like climbing a sand dune with a 50 lb. rucksack on my back.
I have had a few bad nights in the last couple of months that should be enough to change my behavior, and I am grateful for it leading me here. I don't remember my last drunk, but I have a list a page long of some awful nights in the past two+ years that I wince at remembering. Grateful to be scared, tired, and sick of feeling stuck and panicked.
Very grateful that people all over the planet are kind enough to help and encourage those that are struggling on their own.
Today was a painful day of the good and the bad clarity. I enjoy these days overall because they help me see things for what they are. Even though my empty house is hard to come home to now, and it feels lonelier lately. I don't particularly feel bonded to anyone I work with, but it provides some minimal human contact.
I stopped at the grocery store tonight on the way home from the gym to grab spinach and bunch of fruit. I have recently replaced my nightly habit with smoothies and tea for now.
In the corner of that store is a beautiful wine section that I know shelf by shelf is stocked with my preferred bottles. I didn't beeline for it as I would before and grab my two bottles of red.
Your response brought on a few tears tonight as have a few others today...it's just one of those days. I want to remember how it felt to enjoy waking up and liking myself. For quite some time now I have not enjoyed much, and I certainly haven't liked myself.
I want to be proud of myself...and although no one in my professional or personal life really knows much because I have hid all of this, I feel like a farce. So, I am making the change my life. Even though it feels like climbing a sand dune with a 50 lb. rucksack on my back.
I have had a few bad nights in the last couple of months that should be enough to change my behavior, and I am grateful for it leading me here. I don't remember my last drunk, but I have a list a page long of some awful nights in the past two+ years that I wince at remembering. Grateful to be scared, tired, and sick of feeling stuck and panicked.
Very grateful that people all over the planet are kind enough to help and encourage those that are struggling on their own.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 599
Funny you mentioned no one knows. I have mentioned this here before, but when I quit my wife asked me why? I would have thought she would have said thank God or about time. Guess I wasn't as big of an *Ass as I thought or I was one for so long she didn't know the difference, lol.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
Maybe because we assume the worst of ourselves...we assume all others do too.
It's one of many reasons enough to make the change. Currently how I feel about who I am is not going to allow me to live the life I want until I have been good and sober a long time and hopefully permanently.
Thank you for the support you offered today.
It's one of many reasons enough to make the change. Currently how I feel about who I am is not going to allow me to live the life I want until I have been good and sober a long time and hopefully permanently.
Thank you for the support you offered today.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
. I want to remember how it felt to enjoy waking up and liking myself. For quite some time now I have not enjoyed much, and I certainly haven't liked myself.
I want to be proud of myself...and although no one in my professional or personal life really knows much because I have hid all of this, I feel like a farce. So, I am making the change my life. Even though it feels like climbing a sand dune with a 50 lb. rucksack on my back.
Maybe you do remember what it was like to wake up that way...and you want to get that back. You can like yourself again. You can wake up feeling good....it may start out slow.... like you just wake up feeling not quite as bad...but give it time....and there may be times when you just feel so much regret over having been wasteful. Learn to forgive yourself. Regret is also like carrying a big rucksack up a sand dune.
I want to be proud of myself...and although no one in my professional or personal life really knows much because I have hid all of this, I feel like a farce. So, I am making the change my life. Even though it feels like climbing a sand dune with a 50 lb. rucksack on my back.
Maybe you do remember what it was like to wake up that way...and you want to get that back. You can like yourself again. You can wake up feeling good....it may start out slow.... like you just wake up feeling not quite as bad...but give it time....and there may be times when you just feel so much regret over having been wasteful. Learn to forgive yourself. Regret is also like carrying a big rucksack up a sand dune.
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