Anabellala

It's like I can go two weeks and then bam - a 5 day bender this last one was. I'm so sick of this cycle. I'm scared of myself. I've been in and out of AA for 5 years. I'm so hungover and depressed right now - why do I keep doing this to myself?

Misc72

At least you are reaching out here on SR. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

BullDog777

I did that for 20 years or so. It does get exhausting. For me, the only thing that got me to finally stop was a year ago today, I was rushed to the hospital with stroke level blood pressure, tremors, chest pain and a feeling like my body was on fire.

I spent a week in the hospital that I don't remember and when I woke up the team of drs that worked on me sat down and told me this was my last ride. I had organ damage, given myself diabetes and I was less than 6 months away from drinking myself to death as I also had fluid in my belly.

I spent the next couple of months in rehab and now.....my life has made a 180 turn for the better. I was labeled a hopeless case because of how many times I had been in and out. Tonight, i have a year. You can do it too.

All you need to do is want to be sober more than you want to be drunk.
Your desire to change your life has to be stronger than the urge to destroy it.
That's all.

I hope you feel better soon.

bluedog97

I lived in that cycle for the past 6-7 years. Quit, drink, quit again, drink again. As long as I held on to even the slightest notion that I could drink I continued to go back. I had to accept that 100% I'm alcoholic and can't drink. Now Im learning to live without it.

You can too.

Dee74

Welcome Anabellala
tons of support an good ideas here

Do you think you might try AA again or not?

D

ScottFromWI

Welcome anabella. I was stuck in that cycle too, it's no fun all. As far as "why" you do it, my guess is because you are an alcoholic like me and many of the rest of us. No one really knows why we are alcoholics, we just are. And we have to accept that in order to get better.

If you are interested in AA, or any other method for that matter, doing it in an "in and out" manner won't work. You have to be "all in" for sure. It is possible for anyone to get and stay sober if they truly want to....you included. I hope you'll stick around SR to share and learn.

Minxy

THE WAGON RIDE

I fell off the wagon, again last
night. When am I ever, going
to get this right?

Sometimes I’m a pretty good
driver, of the old wagon load.
But every once in a while,
there’s a bump in the road.

I didn’t see it, before it was
too late. Didn’t intend, to
open that gate.

As I was flying through the
air, I didn’t really care. But
then I landed so hard, right
on my head. I thought it was
gonna explode, and I wished
I was dead!

It seemed like so much fun,
while I was flying high. But in
the morning, I couldn’t deny.

Feeling embarrassed, as well
as shame.
Why can’t I control, this
drinking game?!

Maybe I am powerless,
against this disease. So I
pray to God, on my knees.

To help me with this
addiction of mine. Hold on
tight, to His life line.

The wagon had crashed, way
over yonder. And through
my thick head, I began to
ponder.

While crawling back, on my
knees. Cursing and praying,
and feeling unease.

I admit my mistake, I cry! I’m
getting back on that wagon,
for another try!

So back on the wagon, I
struggle to climb. To get
home safe, and just in time.

To ride my wagon, another
day. And steer clear of those
bumps, that are in the way.

Copyright©2017, All rights
reserved.
Kelly Dreisinger
February 21, 2017

Delilah1

Welcome!!! Like you, and several others I was stuck in that cycle for several years. I decided in October of 2012 I was done for good, but in January after hitting 90 days I decicided I would be able to moderate. That did not go well, and I spent the next three years alternating between brief periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation.

I really had enough on NYE 2015, and the next day I decided I am really done this time, and I haven't had a sip of alcohol since. This site has been my biggest support, I also focused on recovery and tried not to obsess about not being able to drink, I shifted my mindset to think "I am sober, and I am happy.." it helped, as did reading and posting on here daily.

You can do this!!!!

Done4today

Welcome Annabellala,

Hopefully this last binge is your last. I too had similar drinking patterns. I was attending AA while still drinking every few weeks. I was reading the big book and drinking until something shifted in me. I put the plug in the jug and haven't looked back. I don't know what exactly happened but a few different things were going on. I was seeing an addiction therapist, got hypnotized, got a sponsor and started working the steps. My therapist said it was me finally understanding that I was an alcoholic. My sponsor says its because I finally surrendered to God (as I understand him). Part of me thinks that being hypnotized did something also. I went to a hypnotist to help with sleep which it did miracles for me. A year plus later if I notice my mind running away when I try to sleep, I throw the earbuds in and play the session. I am asleep with in minutes.

Sorry for the ramble but alcoholism is with us for the rest of our years. We will have to develop an arsenal to defend our lives. I use AA as my primary program. I read SR as often as possible and really enjoy the advice that come from people that use other recovery programs.

Keep coming back and posting. You will receive tremendous amount of help, knowledge, and sobriety among the fellowship.

MicroMacro

Because you haven't accepted that you have to stop drinking - permanently.

Best.

NYCDoglvr

We make a decision to pick up a drink or pick up the phone and call for support. It's a simple decision. Have you had a sponsor, done the steps?

FBL

We've all been there, to one degree or another. When you surrender your mind to the fact that you can NEVER drink again, then the real recovery work can begin, but it has to come from within you.