That need for instant gratification
 

Hello all,

I'm doing well at roughly 18 months. It's time to get back into the social and dating world.

The issue I'm finding is that same old problem we all experience: We alcoholics really really really really really really want everything RIGHT NOW and we lack patience.

Obviously in the dating game, that's no gouda.

Anyone have any tips, suggestions, experiences, that may help me stay grounded and deal lacking patience and wanting to control things I cannot? I recognize when I am doing it, most of the time, I think. It's how to react once I realize it that I am still learning, as I'm sure we all are. I'm non-religious, however the serenity prayer definitely helps me take a moment, a deep breath, and center my thoughts. But it's not a cure-all.

Keep up the good fight everyone!

I'm a woman and I can tell you that someone who tries to control me will find himself blocked.

I understand that may not be at all helpful, but no one wants to be pushed, so relaxing into it is really the only way. I once read, "If you are going to be with her you have to accept her as she is and if you are going to break up, there's no reason to point out her faults-according-to-you." I love that because it takes all the need for judging right out of it.

There is someone waiting for you. :)

Been married twice.
Pattern for me: Go out on a dinner date and find yourself married. Last one was in a copter above Las Vegas. Found a minister that went up with us to do vows. Divorced on the ground ...spent a good twenty plus years together. I guess I don't care about looking. When you meet someone and it is right ..that is the way to go. Sometimes it works...sometimes not. Just live. :)

My personal experience (which was not easy to do early on, I am 'around 5.6 years sober with one blowout in the middle') is that when that immediate gratification thing hits, and they can hit hard, the thing I did that finally did the trick that I still use today, is to "STOP". If I am driving, I pull over. If I am working, I stop. Whatever I am doing, I stop, close my eyes, take some deep breaths, literally count my breaths from 5 up to 10 which gets me some fresh oxygen to my brain, and I say a prayer of thanks (I am not a religious person by the way) to my Goddess (yep, my Goddess is a Woman - that was a feminine double - also, she is sober too and had a hell of a relapse right around the time I did too...:) ), a prayer of thanks that I up till that moment am sober, and I pray for the strength to make it through the day.

For me, that eliminates the immediate gratification and gives me a brief pause to appreciate my present situation.

Personally, I'll be staying single for life. Getting involved gets me drunk or makes me miserable.

I don't know if I'm following you.. what aspects of dating are you struggling with a need to control?

I don't know if I can have a relationship. I don't want somebody up my ass all the time. I want to do as I please when I please, have absolute quiet sometimes, not have to care what I look like and not have to pick up after another person or have them complain when they have to pick up after me.

I'm either controlling (not in a physical manner, but in finances or life advice) or a complete doormat. And I tend to be attracted to women with the same issues as me. Alcoholics, addicts. It leads to either codependency or me feeling like crap about myself.

It's no one's fault. Just the way things are. I'll get a cat.

That feeling of "what can I do to make this work RIGHT NOW!" when in fact, you darn well know there's nothing you can do... its just a brain that wont let go.

Example, sending a text message... is the reply going to be fast enough for my greedy brain, oh heck no. I know better, I act well, it's just so much mental effort.

Not sure that's the best example, but in any case if it involves waiting.. patiently waiting.. well of course that eats me up.

I think 80% of the work of a relationship, especially in the early stages, is not scaring the other person away and hiding your character defects for as long as possible.

We're all dated that person that flips out when a text doesn't get a response quickly enough. We've all been that person, too.

It's all about the dopamine rush we get from having the attention of the person we like. It isn't really about investing time and energy in to a relationship so you can build a life with the other person.

I want that, but I have very little faith that I will find someone who isn't conditioned to go after looks and to expect sex right away.

Instead of talking and thinking about yourself (as we alcoholics do), try listening for a change to learn who the person is.

I guess the way I look at it....my whole life ..it was like I got on the wrong bus! Ended up ok. I keep saying...very grateful for a damn good job. Landed that at a young age. 2 thriving kids that are now adults and seven grandkids out of that. I really didn't marry very well ...BUT I played a part in that. Choices are not always on point. I did well. Not depending on others. If I meet someone fine. But that makes me laugh because it isn't like they just show up after lining up on your sidewalk. I don't go anywhere. BUT it is winter. Once spring hits it is a whole nother game! My last husband still makes me roll my eyes. I doubt my judgement. I am happy and grateful to be fine on my own. Open to meeting someone as well.

I am definitely not in the dating world and will likely not be any time soon, so I love to give advice. And it is fairly objective because I am "removed" from it, looking on.

Whether you are religious or not, patience is a virtue. All the major religions promote patience and sing its praises. But patience so defies human nature. Which is why we struggle with it. Even the MOST religious folks struggle with patience.

My best advice. Just be yourself and go about your life doing what YOU enjoy. You will find yourself in the best relationships be they friendships, commrades, or romantic partners when you are yourself. The best job you will ever have is when you enjoy what you do and you can also be yourself....not when you are constantly feeling like you have to try and be someone you really aren't. So, just be yourself. Be yourself whether you are at home, at work, out shopping, at the gym, or on a date or looking for a date. We all want some control in our lives, naturally....we gotta have some say over things. But when it comes to the dating game, there is only so much you can control. The rest is out of your control. Just as you couldn't control your drinking once upon a time, neither can you control your future dates.

Yeah, instant gratification, that is in our human nature. And it's hard-wired in the addict's brain. And in today's climate more than ever I think there is this "get it now" mentality which can be off the charts. So, that mentality is all around us. And in us. Do we even stand a chance? Yes. But we have to work at it.

Sometimes we just need to slow it down....slow it way down....you don't get fresh baked bread until it's had a chance to rise (twice). Now, I've got a batch of banana walnut bread that just came out of the oven. Been fantacizing about it all day; oh the smell. But I knew I would never really experience the real thing until I got off my duff and whipped it up, stuck it in the oven and let it bake for the alotted 65 minutes. Now, it has arrived and it'll be so worth it. But it was a work in progress. Mmmmm. Warm. Sliced and slathered in butter.

I echo Teettree's comments on being yourself.

I spent my younger years fitting in and trying to be someone I wasn't. This started me on my path to alcoholism. Drinking to be "cool". Well it stopped being cool for me a long time ago, but I didn't stop.

I learned that being yourself is the only way to really connect with people. If you are yourself you quickly find out who is for you, and don't waste years getting to the real you and her only to find out you don't like each other.

Be patient and be yourself and it will all work itself out.

Have you decided if you're only going to date someone in recovery? Because that will affect your communication. You two will either be able to relate to one another on that level - or not. Seems like an important level - but that's me.

Have you asked yourself what the rush is about? You said you're feeling impatient- what's causing it? Do you want to start a family or ...

I wonder if getting to the bottom of your impatience will help you feel less pressed about the whole thing.

Best.

Oh Lord can I ever relate to this. Not from a dating standpoint but just the extreme impatience that I feel a lot of the time. And the melodrama I stir up if I don't feel I am getting the attention I need RIGHT NOW. I don't have the answers other than to say it would probably help us to get active lives so we don't have so much time to obsess over getting what we want RIGHT NOW and probably in terms of relationships, the most successful people I know meet someone doing whatever it is they enjoy and take their time with all of it.

Best wishes to you!