Triggers and realizations
 

I used to people please. If everyone loved me, I'd never be abandoned. I'dnever have to be afraid.

Obviously, this is a crazy, inauthentic way to live.

My mind automatically filtered or shut out anything painful. I remember dissociating during many unpleasant experiences.

Trouble is, when I tried to behave differently

My most recent trigger was watching the dysfunctional family next door and how they were interacting.

The older woman was driving everyone else crazy with her demands and needs. Extremely controlling, insisting everyone do it "her way".

Well, my reaction when she commented on my dogs collar(which she didn't like), the religious statue in my garden of the virgin Mary, and all of her other intrusive questions was not good.

I'm 53 years old. I don't owe her an explanation, yet I was brought up to be polight.

I was actually speechless, and felt like running because I wanted to tell her to mind her f'ing business and go into a tirade about how I dont owe her an explanation, who the hell asked her, and that the entire universe isn't here to do it "her way"

Of course instead of doing that I went in the house fuming, feeling disrespected and frustrated because I couldn't effectively put her in her place.

I was mad as as hatter. No outlet. What did I do? Binged. Beat MYSELF up.

Does anyone have any insight as to why the heck I'm like this or what I should do?

This is a recurring issue with me. I just want to be free of this.

Self sabotage is a real pain in the ar$e, I think many people on here will relate.
For me, it use to be my AV telling myself 'go get wasted because people in general suck and are nasty so let's forget everyone else and get nasty too'.
My AV is a liar though. In my early days of sobriety (and I'm still in the early days - 110 and counting) I would use distraction techniques (art, reading books, reading posts here, deep breathing). My AV would settle down eventually.
Nowadays when someone gets under my skin, I either walk away from them or I let them know I refuse to engage and the discussion needs to stop! I also try to put myself in their shoes and quite often I will have pity for them. Your neighbour is obviously not a happy person. I sense a lot of bitterness exuding from her which means she no doubt has her own demons and is taking it out on everyone around her, including you.
Try to have empathy for her and your anger should subside :)

My personal opinion is that it's because you are an alcoholic, just like me - and most of the rest of us here in the recovery community. But you will have to make that decision, and i know it's one you've struggled with and even discussed here publicly.

As to "why", there is no answer. I tried desperately to find the same answer for years, but really what I was searching for a way to "fix" the "why" and be able to drink normally again. It's another one of addictions' insidious motives to keep us drinking

As far as what to do, for me the first step was to accept that I am an addict/alcoholic. You don't even need to use those terms, but accepting that you can never drink "normally" and that abstinence is the only solution is key. If you can do that, you can start to participate in recovery - through groups, individually, or however you choose. But none of the recovery methods will work until you first accept the aforementioned concept. If you are truly unable to stop on your own, supervised detox or rehab might be necessary to help get you started. Big problems demand big solutions...and judging by your posts here, you've got a big problem - would you agree?

After years of therapy it's the consensus that my use/abuse of alcohol is secondary and caused by underlying issues.

I NEVER touched drugs or alcohol until I got married where I was forced to confront my intimacy issues and became disoriented by flashbacks. It never occurred to me it would become an issue. I now know better.

I'm attempting to develop healthier ways of coping. My old way was to go tell my husband the neighbor was annoying me. He'd take care of it.

As I got older, of course I realized how codependent and dysfunctional I was behaving. I knew something was wrong.

I did not have the tools or the strength to deal anymore.

My alcohol use started with someone just trying to end the confusion in my mind and relax.

I worked at first. Until of course it didn't.

Funny thing is I can't stand the taste or smell of it. I use it like a disgusting , foul tasting medicine.

I would get so panicked I had a doctor ask me if i was using cocaine.

I never have, ever. Wouldn't know where to get it and don't want to know.

My husband always had wine in the house. Didn't take me long to realize a sip from his glass had a magical calming effect.

I read the book by the Passages Malibu founder.

It's the only thing I've been able to relate to and accurately describes a workable treatment plan.

^^^ This. I haven't always agreed with what Scott says, but this is dead on.

(You're still my hero, Scott!)

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

That didn't work for me. The specialist in New York said it was inappropriate and I was more than likely retraumatized.

There are many many many who it doesn't work for. It's not the only solution.

I'm glad it worked for you

My ex-husband stills drinks wine, smokes pot and works full time for the FDNY. He's in his 60's.

It works for him. It doesn't work for me.

Not sure why I have to keep explaining my decision to take another path.

This might be unpopular but:
Someone who is using alcohol secondary to other issues isn't necessarily alcoholic. Resolve the other issues and the 'controlled' use of alcohol goes away.

Many people are Dual Diagnosed....they have other issues but they are also alcoholic. Their use of alcohol is extremely problematic, self-injurious and they haven't got a cat in hells chance of sorting out their other issues if they continue to drink. Because drink becomes the issue.

Many effective therapists hold this perspective also...people with long term mental health issues or core emotional issues AND an alcohol problem need to recognise and address the severity of the alcohol problem before they can move forward.

So perhaps it would be useful to consider. ..is alcohol really secondary to your other problems, or do you have two sets of problems?

Mods please edit/delete if this is too close to advice

P

I don't read anyone criticising your path here. What I personally read is people suggesting you are minimising your use of alcohol and explaining it as a coping mechanism.

As this is a board about alcoholism people do tend to confront that if they see it.

P

It is a coping mechanism. I also know I can't drink. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear on that point.

When I start stuffing, I don't stop
I do exactly the same thing as a bulimic does with food.

Frankly it would just be easier for me to blame the bottle.

Unfortunately I know it's not that simple.

Not judging or anything... what rank is he? I'm a fire department fanatic, hence the reason I ask!

Captain last time I checked.

Substance abuse is rampant. The show "Rescue Me". was quite accurate.

Just saw the "ex" part. Sorry about that.

I only saw maybe 2 episodes of that show maybe 12 years ago (Dennis Leary, right?) Public service is rough. I was an EMT since the mid 90's up until the last few years. Left my certification drop. I had enough. The people that stayed in it drank like fish... or burned out in a bad way.

Yes, Dennis Leary.

You're absolutely right. Don't know too many that are actually healthy mentally.

Yep, got the right show then.

Ah.

The "opinionated old neighbor lady". It's not a syndrome per se....but they seem to be in every neighborhood, every workplace, every church, every family; even in every grocery store....

You were brought up to be polite....which is WHY it might bother you MORE when someone else is NOT polite or downright rude and intrusive.

So, how to handle this type of thing? (because it's not going away, we will run up against it inevitably).

Well, there are other ways of dealing with these kinds of people that don't involved drinking or over eating.

You could always just tilt your head to the side, smile, and say something like, "I like the dog collar. And I like the statue. I guess it's a good thing it's on MY dog and in MY yard, not yours."

Ok, maybe that seems too scary, too bold. But really, what have you got to lose?It's not like you would be losing your best friend.

Or, you could shrug your shoulders and say, 'So?'. Which is another way of saying, 'I really don't give a rat's arse what you think.'

The problem is her, not you. People who are truly happy, content and have peace respect others' boundaries and don't feel the need to comment negatively about someone else's dog collar, for heaven's sakes. It's just a frickin' dog collar. So, perhaps tell yourself the next time she opens her mouth she is like the teacher on Charlie Brown. It's just a bunch of white noise that doesn't really mean anything to you as a person. "Wahwahwahwahwah."

When an alcoholic gets punched he drinks the poison. This is very common self-destructive alcoholic behavior. Better to live in the solution: who can you call to get this off your chest? Or, go to a meeting. We alcoholics don't have the luxury of a resentment.

(Sorry in case someone else has already mentioned it but I don't have the time to read through all the posts right now, still wanted to say something before I forget)

I'm a people pleaser myself and get very upset when someone treats me unfair and I never found an outlet for my negative emotions that come up in those situations.

What I discovered helps me the most is to try and let go of the situation and the feelings connected with it. That women doesn't know you and that she treats you like that probably doesn't have to do anything with who you are. And it doesn't say anything about you. But it does say about her, that she's probably just a very bitter person who's unhappy with her life. Her behaviour has nothing to do with you, you're just unlucky to be her neighbour.

Amen, kev.

What comes out of another person's mouth that is uncharitable is damning to their own self. Lord have mercy on their soul. They are weaving and leaving a path of destruction to their own self. Every dart/arrow they throw your way just comes right back to them in poisonous darts/arrows. Don't let their darts/arrows be poison to you....

If you need to excuse yourself from that person's presence and just not be around them....well, sometimes that is what you need to do.