Gottalife

At least it seemed different to me. It is the same disease, same symptoms, same solution, but the difference was in my story and life experience. It is so easy to get hung up on the stories.

When I read the Big Book, I read about mostly men who had achieved things in their lives before losing it all to alcohol. There was Bill the stock broker who made his millions. Bob, the doctor who had a medical practice, #3 the Lawyer. They had wives, families, businesses. They had some idea what life was about.

And when it came to getting sober, they had some idea about what they were trying to get back.

Not so for me. I had never achieved anything. My life crashed on take off. I had no experience of life, had no idea what normal was, just this enormous frustration that I was unable to get to the places my contemporaries could get to. I lost nothing but opportunity. The opportunity to grow and develop and achieve. I never knew what any of this was all about, what it felt like, or even that it existed.

So when I am sitting in my first AA meeting, being told how things can get better, and what a wonderful life awaited me, they were talking about things beyond my experience, and beyond my ability to imagine. To me the future looked like a big black hole without booze.

A little faith had to come in here. I could see older folk that were happy and sober as the result of the steps. Maybe that could be me? The other option had no appeal.

Then I heard that saying about looking for the similarities. My story was different for sure. There were some similarities, but mostly it was completely different. The real similarities were in the way I drank and the effect that alcoholc had on me. The obsession of the mind, the phenomenon of craving. The unhappiness, the feeling of uselessnes, the spiritual malady. Those were some of the similarities, the common ground if you like.

When I forgot about age, and worked with others on the basis of a common problem and a common solution, I commenced to get results.

Now my story is more similar, except that what achievements that came my way were not lost through alcoholism, I got to keep them, and have a life time of positive memories.

Hopefully this might encourage a few young ones. It really is an exciting journey as a young person. I know. I experienced it.

August252015

Good post, and some good points.

Ultimately though....no one is a special snowflake. I don't think it is ultimately a different thing if you are young: acceptance and surrender are the same no matter your age.

kevlarsjal

I can relate so much to this. I started drinking about 14 years ago when I was 12/13 years old and in retrospect I think it was for the wrong reasons from the start.
I looked so much forward to being able to drink when I was a kid. Already as a toddler I played "drinking beer", so I think my obsession with it started before I drank for the first time. For the past 5 years or so I struggled so much with finding the "right approach" to drinking (went from weekly binging to drinking daily a few glasses to not drinking for a while, back to binging and so on) but nothing ever seemed to work for me. It took me ages to realise I was addicted cause I always thought drinking regularly was a normal part of adult life.

So it was very difficult for me to accept that I would have to remove that part from my life. I had never achieved anything either, especially not sober. I wasn't sure who I was gonna be without alcohol since it had always been part of my life. It turned out to be the same person sober that I was drinking, but now I have the chance to really get to know myself and I think that's such a great gift. I rediscovered old interests and developed new ones and have a much better understanding of myself and my emotions already at 4 months sober.

One thought that kept creeping up my back (and still does sometimes) is, how unfair it is to the young alcoholic to only have had this and that many drinking years whereas others can drink for much longer and how horrible the thought is of never drinking again when you (hopefully) still have so much life time left.

To that thought I can say that it's good that WE didn't have more drinking years cause drinking didn't work for us, it destroys us. So the less we drank the less damage we did to our young bodies and minds. And that's really important cause we will need them in the future to enjoy our sober life. And for "not ever drinking again" I think that the "one day at a time" approach helps me best. And to remember that alcoholism is progressive and the active drinking path will only lead to a hell of self destruction and no happiness for me.

Sorry for the rambling, that didn't come out very structured.

Ariesagain

Gottalife and kevlarsjal...your posts are articulate and very powerful. This world needs thoughtful, smart, empathetic young people like you more than ever.

I'm approaching 60 and I don't have many regrets, but the single greatest regret I have is the decades I lived that were tainted by alcohol. They weren't terrible, because I was lucky. But they were certainly not optimal.

You two have the chance to have optimal lives. Not always easy, because life. But you can know that whatever comes you way, you will be at your peak ability...physically, mentally, and emotionally...to handle it.

I'm rooting for you!

Forward12

Everyone's story is different and unique, and you learn this from AA and hear people from all walks of life, from homeless to millionaires, young, old, and everything in between, but we all have the same thing in common with having a problem with alcohol.

Gottalife

Thanks Ariesagain. I took the chance and will be sixty in may, sober since 22.

One of the common facts is at 22 I was just as close to death as the older alcs. According to the doc, 23 would have been my last birthday.

Bird615

Yes, this is so close to my experience too!

I sobered up at 21 after drinking my way through my teens and could not relate to adults who had already achieved things and could not even comprehend a future without alcohol. It was a big black hole as you described.

But similar to you, what i did do was look for the similarities. I remember my first few days sober, in detox, devouring the stories in the back of the Big Book and finding myself in them. Yes, that happened to me too, yes, that's how I felt, These people we like me. I finally started to see what was wrong with me and that I wasn't alone. My first AA meeting was like coming home to where I belonged and I finally had hope.

Although I couldn't imagine my future, I began on the blind faith that if I did what these smiling laughing people were doing then i could maybe have that too.

Those promises in the Big Book happened for me, but unlike you, I didn't remain vigilant and slid back into a relapse 30 years later, partially from believing the lie that maybe I had just been too young and irresponsible and drank that way because i had had nothing to lose. I quickly found out that having more to lose did nothing to help me "control" my drinking this time; it was even worse. It took me 4 and a half years to crawl back and feel fortunate to have escaped hell twice. I know too many people that didn't ever get out.

Ariesagain

Well, need more caffeine, obviously!

But the world needs more like you, too!

PurpleCat

I really have to disagree.

All of us are the sum of our experiences, and those who have fewer experiences are going to have different reactions to different situations. That doesn't make them special snowflakes, that just makes them human.

For example, you cannot expect someone who has never left their small town to have the same reaction to being dropped into the middle of New York City as someone who grew up in Chicago. It's perfectly reasonable to expect that they will have different reactions to their situation and different plans as to how they ultimately adapt to it.

I also take a little disagreement to the "we all accept and surrender" statement. AFAIK, that's an AA premise, yes? Especially the surrrnder part? Personally, I'm not surrendering to anyone or anything as I believe that I am in control of my own destiny. That doesn't make me right and you wrong (or you right and me wrong). I'm just highlighting this to point out that yet again, people have differing experiences and those experiences will guide how they approach problem solving.

I appreciate the viewpoints of the young folks here. Unfortunately, my husband and I taught our now college senior son, by example, that daily binge drinking was not only acceptable but that you could be financially successful while doing so. Bad lesson to teach, and I worry about him because when he comes home from school he's drinking the same way that I used to do.

HTown

#Purplecat, has your son noticed you are sober now? Has he mentioned it? I am convinced there is a genetic component to alcohol abuse. It is rampant on both sides of my family, and neither of my parents drink because of it, but I did. I have talked to my neice and nephews about it. Telling them to be aware they are maybe more at risk . We never talked about grandma being an alcoholic or my mom an adult child of an alcoholic or my dad's brother who ruined his life and his parent's lives with alcohol when the kids were little, but now it is important I think to mention.

Is it possible to address this with your son? Can you say you learned such a valuable lesson you want to be sure he knows? That you want to see him not make your mistakes?

NYCDoglvr

I've heard "relate to the feelings, not the facts" in meetings. When I focus on that I get a great deal out of the stories of other alcoholics.

CousinA

Thanks, Mike.

It's been the same for me. I'm 57 and grew up in AA. My family picked me up off a park bench when I was 22 and got me into treatment where I was introduced to AA. There were meetings every night where I heard people talking about having lives, without drinking and I wanted what they had. What we have.

-allan

2muchpain

I have incredible admiration and respect for the young people I see at AA meetings. Their ability to be so mature and aware of their situation is something I can't relate to. I just don't know how they do it. I wish I would of been lucky enough to know people like them when I was their age. There is no way you could catch me in an AA meeting at their age. I never even heard of AA. I think it's great how they are so energetic about sobriety and how they support each other, but from my experiences, many are not so keen about having old farts like me around them. I stopped going to the young people's meetings cause of the strange looks and occasional comments I would get. Don't blame them. I'd feel the same way if I was their age. I'd see anybody in their 30's as long in the tooth. Their probably supprised to see anybody my age that has any teeth!! But it's all good. Many of the old-timers were once young-timers. But I do miss the young people's groups. Their energy and positive attitude was very uplifting. Don't see much of that with people my age. Substitute teaching does help me keep a positive outlook on life so I feel lucky for that. No offense, but being around people my age all the time can be a real drag, and just gives me excuses to drink!! John

2muchpain

I should also add that I've seen old-timers look at young people as if they have nothing to offer. Ignorance goes both ways. John

PurpleCat

Yes. Once he's home for the summer I will. Fortunately, we have a very good relationship and can talk about pretty much anything. All those years trapped in a car together when he played travel hockey comes in handy!

Gottalife

I like the young people's groups too, though I never figured out if they are for people who are young, or people who got sober young. I just assume the latter. A group that was based on just being young by its nature would exclude all the wisdom that only age can bring.

It is a mistake to dismiss the old folks. For one thing we don't feel old. I liked the old timers and when I knew what to listen for, they were a huge help and inspiration to me. But we had our rebellious young folks too. They seemed to think they had a different disease for which the oldies had nothing to offer. Most of them are not around today. The strange thing was while they didn't relate to the oldies, I didn't relate to them. That worried me a little at the time as I thought I am maybe not a proper young person. However sticking with the winners, regardless of age, proved to be a wise course of action.

bluedog97

Thanks for the share Gottalife. I experienced a modicum of success in my 20'sonly to see everything come crashing down due to alcohol. I haven't had much of a successful career since then. Im 42, getting sober now after countless attempts.
I'll never achieve the kind of financial success I dreamed of in my youth. Who knows what lay in store for me if I stay sober. It's something that keeps me up at night with worry - the future.

You're post is uplifting. Maybe there's hope for me too.

Gottalife

Hi Bluedog,
I have found financial prgress is much the same as sobriety. One day at a time. But there is another aspect in the third step promises. "We had a new employer. Being all powerful He provided what we needed...." That has come true in my case. The life I am able to live now is an example.

Done4today

Great post Gottalife. I was a young binge drinking alcoholic that took 30 years in my disease to get to the rooms. As ariesagain stated, I don't regret my life but wish I would have gotten sober sooner. I could have enjoyed many more years of fogless mornings, days and nights.

As we know knowledge won't get us sober but it might help young alcoholics get to recovery rooms earlier.

Gottalife

Thanks D4T. One of the things about my alcoholism, and others of my age that I met was that there was no way we were going to get another 20 years drinking in. My life expectancy was measured in months, the battle was lost. If another twenty years was possible, I guess I would have kept going.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I was just as close to death as the old boys.