Input desperately needed
 

Hello. I'm in desperate need of input. I hope it's alright to post this here.

My husband is 47. Deep in the darkness of alcoholism, depression, and anger. The verbal abuse towards me has worsened recently. His drinking has spiraled out of control completely. Getting worse almost by the day now, and the physical/emotional/mental effects are very obvious. I feel like the man I married is long gone, or very well-hidden. I've spent 7.5 years on a journey to understanding alcoholism. Went through the co-dependent stage and eventual epiphany. I've learned a lot about both my husband and myself. Including the fact that nothing I can do or say can bring him to the point of choosing a better path for himself. He has to want it for himself and no one else.

Anyway, long story short. I have made the difficult decision to separate from my husband in mid-March. I need to remove myself and my three children from the madness. It has taken its toll on our lives in far-reaching ways. I want peace, happiness and stability for the four of us. It's time. In doing so, I also hope that my husband will be forced to take a look at himself and get help before he ends up in an early grave.

Where I need input is with whether or not there is anything that I can say or do with regard to my husband (when I leave or after I leave - last-ditch effort, if you will) that would be of any use in this situation. For those of you who are in recovery, can you recall any words spoken to you or deeds done with regard to you that really stood out as defining moments that led you to switching gears? Or is it simply one of those things that happens when it happens, if it does at all? I mean, I feel like I've said all there is to say a million times over, and it didn't make one bit of difference. And I completely get that now. Plus, I'm sure there aren't any magic words. But I feel almost cruel in leaving him to his own devices at such a critical stage in his drinking. On the other hand, maybe that's the best thing I can do for both him and me (along with the kids). So lost with it. I'm truly concerned that his consumption will continue to accelerate after we leave, and he may lose his life to it. He doesn't have any other family or friends. He'll be completely alone. I don't want him to die at 47, especially not alone. Is there anything more I can do for him?

Any input would be appreciated. Thank you in advance. ♥

I don't know if there is anything you can do or say. The desire to change must come from him. Nothing my family said made any difference to me when I was in the throes of alcoholism. When I hit bottom, I knew it. My family actually STOPPED enabling me and when I was all alone, and had nothing left, I got sober. There's no one size fits all approach. What works for one person may not work for another. I will keep you in my prayers.

My brother asked me if I wanted a family burial plot for when I ended up killing myself with that stuff.

I'm so proud of you for this decision!

You need to focus on yourself most of all.

If I can offer you any advice I would suggest telling your husband when you leave that you would love to see him get better, and that he should seek recovery in AA.

In my opinion it's the best means for recovery from alcohol.

I agree that there is not anything you can say. Leaving him to his own devices so he can feel the full consequences of his drinking might change him, but don't count on it.

This isn't on you, regardless. No one made me drink. No one made me stop.

Your leaving may not be the best thing for him, but it is clearly the best thing for you and your children.

Craft your thoughts in a letter. Mail it to him after you leave. Say your goodbyes...just in case.

And know that anything that happens is out of your control.

Hi musiclady, sorry for you and your children of what you're going through.

I stopped drinking when my husband left and I looked at myself and I didn't like what I'd become. It wasn't a ploy to get my husband back but I really hated myself at that point.

It is different for all relationships though, I imagine. Have you seen the 'families and friends' forum, there are people there who have been through similar .

Whatever you decide we are here 24/7 if you want to vent or want someone to 'talk' to.:hug:

Sorry to hear of your struggles with this and I also congratulate you on the decision to make your life and the lives of your children a priority.

As many have mentioned, there's probably not all that much you can do at this point. If he is already aware that you are leaving and the reason is his drinking, he's still in heavy denial. The act of you leaving is about as major of a "consequence" that an addict can face in and of istelf.

Very sorry for what you are going through. It's not cruel to remove yourself from an environment in which you are subjected to abuse. We may be alcoholics but we are responsible for our own actions. Your husband is responsible for his own actions and decisions. Ultimately he is the only one who can get himself sober. There is no magic word that you can say and nothing you can force on him to make him change if he is not ready and willing to change. Separation could be a wake-up call for him ... On the other hand, he might continue drinking and blame everyone else and his own self-pity for his alcoholic. Either way, sounds like you are doing what is best for you and the kids at this point. Hope that everything turns out for the best for you and your family.

Sorry for your awful situation. Sadly, it's all too common.

Here's a link to the Family and Friends forum here on Sober Recovery where you will find many others who have gone through exactly what you're going through, and can offer you their support, experience, strength, and hope:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You don't mention Al-Anon in your post -- have you sought help there?

Thanks, Andante. I'm a musician...love your user name. Yes, I participate in the Family and Friends forum. I find it very helpful. Just thought this particular post might be better posed to this group. And, yes, I do attend Al-Anon. Thanks for your response. Much appreciated.

Once you get on the other side of the alcoholic insanity...it is a whole new world. Thinking of you. <3

Leaving is the only sane thing to do, Musiclady. There is an outside chance that it may be the bottom he needs to hit to change, but the way it sounds, I'm doubting that. For what it's worth, none of this is your fault. You didn't cause it, and you can't stop it. You're making the right decision by leaving. Staying with an alcoholic lost in his disease is a nightmare and a punishment you and your children just don't deserve. Be strong. You can do this. We're all here for you.

Ah, I see. To answer the specific question posed in your original post: no, there's nothing any other person could have said or done differently that would have changed the trajectory of my alcoholism, or affected in any way when I decided to get serious about recovery.

It's an inside job.

Best wishes and hopes to you from a fellow musician :)

Hello musiclady. I'm so sad you're going through this awful time.

I've been on both sides of this thing. I lost my husband in the same way - I simply couldn't reach him & he wasn't listening or comprehending. Our son was only 4 when I had to give up on trying to help. I was the classic enabler, but didn't know it at the time. The company he worked for sent him to re-hab & when he got out he said, 'Well, I'll still have a beer now and then'. My heart was broken, since I knew we'd be going back to the same old nightmare of him trying to control it.

Many years later he admitted how he grieved over losing me. Sadly, it was way too late by then. I agree with the others - until the person wants to listen & receive help, we have to save ourselves. I do like the idea of a letter though. He can read it many times over & maybe some of it will get through to him. You can say what you want without being interrupted. Glad you are here - please let us know how it goes.

Hi MusicLady :)

There;s been so great advice here already. I think Carl's idea about a letter after you've gone might be a good one. It may not change anything, but it may give you a sense of closure?

D

Loss is the only message that really hits home.

I commend you for getting the kids away from the insanity. Smart decision.
Alcoholism is an illness. Unfortunately abuse comes with it. In my opinion there's nothing you can say to get him to switch gears. Just leave. Go. He'll either die or quit and live. Your kids should not have to witness his demise if he chooses that path. How about leaving him info to our website. Then go. It's that simple.
God bless you.

I'm sorry for what brings your here.

If you do leave, make sure he knows that you are leaving because of the alcohol addiction, and concern for your children, and not because of him personally. There should be no doubt in his mind as to what has brought this about. The addiction will try and shift the responsibility somewhere else, to keep him from looking at the real source of the problem.

If you want closure for yourself, and something more humane than just leaving, you may want to consider offering him a final choice, the alcohol, or the family. Tell him that you know the man you married is still in there somewhere, and that you know that he can step forward and return.

It's best to do that when he is sober, but he may still choose the alcohol.

You mentioned that you are in Al-Anon, but you also know from SR that there are various approaches to dealing with addiction. AA is suitable for some, but not for others, and they will use that as a reason to keep drinking.

Addicted people also tend not to look very far for help. Consider leaving him a list of resources and phone numbers, or even books on alcoholism and recovery, if you have them. Should he change his mind upon further reflection, he won't have to look very far for resources.

I hope this helps.

musiclady,
just thinking of thephysical abuse you mentioned, and rememberingwhat i've heard repeatedly concerning that: the most dangerous time re physical abuse for a person is when they are leaving.
if you can, don't be alone while leaving.