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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XX: "The Moo Also Rises"



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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XX: "The Moo Also Rises"

Old 02-22-2017, 01:56 PM
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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XX: "The Moo Also Rises"

Hello Dumplings! Been long time, yes? Is maybe still couple few who remembers me and curious to know how I doing (and probable more than couple few who is like… oh no! Is that darn Cow!) Either way, for those who endure my 5,000 chapter of Cow, I here to offer update: I been sober for couple month and plus also is well on way to being free of my Rx benzo.

Now, before you start with thinking life all bubbles and cakes …it not. The benzo withdrawal is no joke. For me, it make physical part of alcohol withdrawal look like basket of kittens. But at least, every day, no matter what, I can feel I making step forward instead of spinning ‘round in my hamster wheel from hell.

I think benzo (and of course alcohols) was huge contribution to my depressions. In last couple weeks, I has felt unfamiliar warmth of a pleasant mood cracking through my darkness in tiny little slivers here and there. Is just an ember, but I tending it as though my life depend on it. Cuz it does. It my main job right now: Tend that ember, keep it safe.

So, I hopeful. … … ALRIGHT, CALM DOWN!! I say hopeful, not happy or anything! Please. I still the cynical, sourpuss cow you know and maybe love, at least little bit. But, I is hopeful that, as my belove friend Robot once say:
Eventually, sober life will become greater than sum of sober programming.
So, how has all you chuckleheads been?
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Old 02-22-2017, 02:24 PM
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Hello, Cow. Good to hear from you.
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Old 02-22-2017, 02:55 PM
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Welcome back, Cow!
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Old 02-22-2017, 02:59 PM
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I was wondering about you! Visit us more often!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHf_H401gJc
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Old 02-22-2017, 03:03 PM
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I'm glad you're back.

Benzo withdrawal is definitely not a picnic, and neither is staying sober... so I'm proud of you on both counts

D
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Old 02-22-2017, 03:09 PM
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Hi Cow glad your back , missed your posts. Good job on being sober.
Thanks for mentioning Robot too , miss him.
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Old 02-22-2017, 03:23 PM
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Welcome back Cow (tter?).
Withdrawls sucks. Take care- the HALTS bit.
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Old 02-22-2017, 05:12 PM
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Cow: THank you for sharing your journey.... you have such a way with words and I know it cannot be easy to be so honest and open. I really admire you so much. Anyhow may I ask you ..how does someone get addicted to benzo's? Does the Dr. just keep prescribing them when they know they are so addictive? It's not like alcohol where you can just go to store and purchase. I am just scared because someone very close to me I know drinks and takes benzo's for sleep aid and I would hate for her to become addicted to it and have to go through the pain you went through.
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Old 02-22-2017, 05:39 PM
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Hi everybody!

B57, like many many other, I prescribe benzo for sleep. In my case, I have bad tinnitus. They give to me, it work, I happy, and so they just keep prescribe for 10+ year! I not realize my personality change darker and more depress. Once I research what benzo do in body, I like HOLY CRAP! You not even suppose to be on them for more than two week max. I horrify! I realize is big part of my depressions and since I already in alcohol withdrawal misery, I decide to ditch the benzo too. Anybody on benzo for period of time body will get addicted. I must emphasize, I was NEVER addict to benzo psychologically. I never once abuse them, nor take more than my Rx dose. Usual I take less than Rx dose!

Here is what I experience in benzo withdrawal:
Almost zero sleep first month, now maybe 3-4 hour
Horrific violent nightmare
Rapid heartbeat
Intense micro-flashes of internal heat that feel like I gonna combust
Also same intensity chills
Extreme anxiety, in brain and gut
Light-headed and fainty all the time
Double visions
Not able to eat anything- current weight loss 25 pound
Super loud electric buzzing and zaps in head
Tremors and trembling
Extreme, painful stiff jaw and shoulders
Ears always burn and tingle
Lot of period of depersonalization, brainfog, memory problems
Sudden, instense episodes of weird nausea/dread feelings in stomach
God awful gross smelling sweats come out my body
Super cloudy eyes
Extreme painful seizing and cramping of all muscle in body
Is likely I will take full year for physical symptoms to significantly abate. I has warn all my friend to does they research before taking benzo medications.
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Old 02-22-2017, 05:44 PM
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Thank you Cow for sharing. Just makes me so upset that a Dr. would keep prescribing this knowing how addicting it is. I feel that is malpractice. I am so sorry you had to endure all this.
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Old 02-22-2017, 08:17 PM
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Glad you are back Cow, I hope you get some relief from your symptoms soon.
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Old 02-22-2017, 09:00 PM
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You know, Mr. Scott, I thinking more and more, that it not can be about waiting for relief from you sufferings, cuz, to be honest, not everybody get that. So, for me, is become to make peace with them. I not entirely sure I can do it. But at least, being sober, I can look them in the eyes. And I damn sure gonna try.
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Old 02-22-2017, 09:08 PM
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Welcome home Cow, you've been missed. Those are some really tough symptoms but I love your attitude about making peace with them.
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Old 02-23-2017, 03:11 AM
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Glad to see you're back, Cow. I always like reading your posts. Keepa go!
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Old 02-23-2017, 06:34 AM
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COW !
"Nothing Sucks Forever"( hattip MesaMan), but since this is bovine territory and realness abounds, sure other things can and do suck and at times take turns sucking and they can suck real good. But like you said ( and Robby) the trick is to figure out how to deal with that, it's possible but it can suck, but then no one thing has to do it forever.
Utters up ! Fan that ember , and just don't deprive it of its needed oxygen. The hummies only keep coming back to the feeder because what's in there is good, stay away from bad 'feeders'
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Old 02-23-2017, 07:52 AM
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I tried to say "hi" last night but my internet shut down. It's good to see you here again, and doing so well. Never forget where you came from and what you've been through. Even when sobriety isn't particularly gratifying, people like us don't really have a viable other option.

--sb
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Old 02-23-2017, 08:24 AM
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Hello Cow, so nice to hear from you! I've been on a benzo at night for years, small dose, but my psych doesn't want me to stop it. I do! Good for you for coming through the withdrawal process. Fan those flames girl!
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Old 02-23-2017, 08:25 AM
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Oh hello Bunny, yes how I wish you can bottle the wretchedness that is addiction. I wish it had super foul acrid odor of death that make you vomit and plus accompany by mournful banshee wail that make you head explode with despair. Every day I would wake up and take this bottle from nightstand and inhale. Then I put some drops in genteel lace hankerchief and take more sniffs throughout the day. This would be best cure for addiction ever! For some reason "memory" does not hold onto horror very well. I has try to write it down, make recording, and even video of it, but not can capture it. Hmm, maybe is something I invent and go on the Shark Tank!

Good to see everybody! Yes, we keepa go. Fan our ember. How is you all going?

PS. Hi Leshar, how it been going with you depression?
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Old 02-23-2017, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Cow View Post
You know, Mr. Scott, I thinking more and more, that it not can be about waiting for relief from you sufferings, cuz, to be honest, not everybody get that. So, for me, is become to make peace with them. I not entirely sure I can do it. But at least, being sober, I can look them in the eyes. And I damn sure gonna try.
I think that's a pretty astute view, and I agree that accepting some things for what they are is essential. That in itself can relieve some of the suffering at times. I've tried to apply that to my anxiety too and it has helped in a measurable way.
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Old 02-23-2017, 08:58 AM
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so good to see you, Cow, especially with an ember of unfamiliar warmth of pleasant mood!
not that it wouldn't be good to see you regardless, but hearing about the ember is!

yes, i get you on not waiting for relief of/from symptoms or anything else, though we can hope for that. and yours sound horrendous!

i'm doing okay. it's mostly others close to me who are struggling; my youngest with depression and non-specific grief, one of my sisters just started chemo for breastcancer, and i am dealing, ongoing, with cardiac issues after a recent ablation which the surgeon was sure would eliminate the issues.

hm...not in agreement with you about the best "cure" for addiction. memory and awareness of how bad is baaad and how baaad the horror is has an important place, but for me, the best "cure" was/is the hope, belief, knowledge/trust/and now experience that there is better out there; that sobriety offers more.
even when it didn't always, at any given moment, look that way, that was the ember, and the "cure".
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