Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XX: "The Moo Also Rises"
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Now?
I'll write a little about what was my answer, then. Everyone's different of course. I was pretty out of it. You have what 2 months? About this time of year for my first round, too. I was pretty miserable. I was over the physical dependency but very jittery. I had no hope or friends, love or trust -- the words weren't in my vocabulary -- and my only comforts were booze and sex. So I started smoking and went pretty heavily in the direction of whatever opportunity other than drinking that came my way. I was going to one or two meetings every day, talking every day with my sponsor, and posting here about 10 times a day. I remember trudging around the city in February and March weather a lot, chasing down AA meetings and having coffee with people.
Life was happening around me too. Work posed a serious problem that I had to drool and apologize my way through every day. I started to be a little bit more honest with a few other people, and started to repair a major problem I had caused -- but those things took place over a long time. My mother died, and a lot of my first 8 months was about that.
I guess you could say my first year was mostly physical repair. I described it once as joining the human race-- I gave up some -- but not all -- of my pride and willfulness and belief that I lived in an other, badly distorted universe, different from other people.
That year was my first first year. Fortunately my second first year didn't require so much of that physical restructuring of body and life. You seem to be in relatively good shape, so maybe you've already passed the point where I was in my first year.
I'll write a little about what was my answer, then. Everyone's different of course. I was pretty out of it. You have what 2 months? About this time of year for my first round, too. I was pretty miserable. I was over the physical dependency but very jittery. I had no hope or friends, love or trust -- the words weren't in my vocabulary -- and my only comforts were booze and sex. So I started smoking and went pretty heavily in the direction of whatever opportunity other than drinking that came my way. I was going to one or two meetings every day, talking every day with my sponsor, and posting here about 10 times a day. I remember trudging around the city in February and March weather a lot, chasing down AA meetings and having coffee with people.
Life was happening around me too. Work posed a serious problem that I had to drool and apologize my way through every day. I started to be a little bit more honest with a few other people, and started to repair a major problem I had caused -- but those things took place over a long time. My mother died, and a lot of my first 8 months was about that.
I guess you could say my first year was mostly physical repair. I described it once as joining the human race-- I gave up some -- but not all -- of my pride and willfulness and belief that I lived in an other, badly distorted universe, different from other people.
That year was my first first year. Fortunately my second first year didn't require so much of that physical restructuring of body and life. You seem to be in relatively good shape, so maybe you've already passed the point where I was in my first year.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Thanks for sharing, Bunny.
I pretty much am right where you describe, not in good shape at all. In fact, I in worse physical shape than ever. That and lack of sleep and poor brain trying to sort it all out mean work is suffering to point I not feel confident or competent. And anhedonia/depressions is still a major factor. So, what I meant by "now what?" is: Hello! Universe?! I play my last card, the sober card, and so far everything just suck worse!
It just a bad week for me, and in such times, I get to feeling little disappointed by sobriety.
Okay, I know, I know, I KNOW, it very early days, and I do get one thing back and that is hope that eventual things gonna get better, whereas before things was only gonna get way worse and end in unsightly spectacle and death.
I sure some of you sober folks go through periods of "...is that all?" after making Herculean efforts to quit, yes?
I pretty much am right where you describe, not in good shape at all. In fact, I in worse physical shape than ever. That and lack of sleep and poor brain trying to sort it all out mean work is suffering to point I not feel confident or competent. And anhedonia/depressions is still a major factor. So, what I meant by "now what?" is: Hello! Universe?! I play my last card, the sober card, and so far everything just suck worse!
It just a bad week for me, and in such times, I get to feeling little disappointed by sobriety.
Okay, I know, I know, I KNOW, it very early days, and I do get one thing back and that is hope that eventual things gonna get better, whereas before things was only gonna get way worse and end in unsightly spectacle and death.
I sure some of you sober folks go through periods of "...is that all?" after making Herculean efforts to quit, yes?
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Hi Cow,
I am 2 years and a bit sober now.
My first year and a bit was hell. I experienced constant depression and health anxiety through the roof. I was back and forth to the doctor constantly, insisting on multiple tests, racing heart, insomnia, chronic crying, and on and on.
I am here to say, it got better. Not everyday so amazing, cloud floating, wonderful, but exponentially better.
But it really was a full year and a bit of "is this all there is for me in sobriety?"
I am so happy for you to have 2 months. I know how hard it has been for you.
I am 2 years and a bit sober now.
My first year and a bit was hell. I experienced constant depression and health anxiety through the roof. I was back and forth to the doctor constantly, insisting on multiple tests, racing heart, insomnia, chronic crying, and on and on.
I am here to say, it got better. Not everyday so amazing, cloud floating, wonderful, but exponentially better.
But it really was a full year and a bit of "is this all there is for me in sobriety?"
I am so happy for you to have 2 months. I know how hard it has been for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Hope * *
* *
It hovers in dark corners
before the lights are turned on, *
it shakes sleep from its eyes *
and drops from mushroom gills, *
it explodes in the starry heads *
of dandelions turned sages, *
it sticks to the wings of green angels *
that sail from the tops of maples. * *
It sprouts in each occluded eye *
of the many-eyed potato, *
it lives in each earthworm segment *
surviving cruelty, *
it is the motion that runs the tail of a dog, *
it is the mouth that inflates the lungs *
of the child that has just been born. * *
It is the singular gift *
we cannot destroy in ourselves, *
the argument that refutes death, *
the genius that invents the future, *
all we know of God. * *
It is the serum which makes us swear *
not to betray one another; *
it is in this poem, trying to speak. * *
* *
Lisel Mueller
* *
It hovers in dark corners
before the lights are turned on, *
it shakes sleep from its eyes *
and drops from mushroom gills, *
it explodes in the starry heads *
of dandelions turned sages, *
it sticks to the wings of green angels *
that sail from the tops of maples. * *
It sprouts in each occluded eye *
of the many-eyed potato, *
it lives in each earthworm segment *
surviving cruelty, *
it is the motion that runs the tail of a dog, *
it is the mouth that inflates the lungs *
of the child that has just been born. * *
It is the singular gift *
we cannot destroy in ourselves, *
the argument that refutes death, *
the genius that invents the future, *
all we know of God. * *
It is the serum which makes us swear *
not to betray one another; *
it is in this poem, trying to speak. * *
* *
Lisel Mueller
Last edited by fini; 03-01-2017 at 02:46 PM. Reason: No idea why it copied with all the asterixes....think of them as stars!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Haha! fini, I like, wow, nice poem, but what with the 500 footnotes! 
Rose, you always been so sweetly supportive of me and I appreciate you words very much.
Glimmer, me too, my friend, me too. I guess disappointment just sting little bit more when you has finally accomplish big epic thing and you quite weary and ...meh. But, you know, at end of day, life not care if you disappointed or if the dove can overcome her broken wing. You get up, every day, no matter how you feeling, and go look for some worms, or life quite happy to move on without you.
Rose, you always been so sweetly supportive of me and I appreciate you words very much.
Glimmer, me too, my friend, me too. I guess disappointment just sting little bit more when you has finally accomplish big epic thing and you quite weary and ...meh. But, you know, at end of day, life not care if you disappointed or if the dove can overcome her broken wing. You get up, every day, no matter how you feeling, and go look for some worms, or life quite happy to move on without you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 690
Originally Posted by Cow 
[COLOR=
. But, you know, at end of day, life not care if you disappointed or if the dove can overcome her broken wing. You get up, every day, no matter how you feeling, and go look for some worms, or life quite happy to move on without you. [/COLOR]
. But, you know, at end of day, life not care if you disappointed or if the dove can overcome her broken wing. You get up, every day, no matter how you feeling, and go look for some worms, or life quite happy to move on without you. [/COLOR]
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
My former sponsor talked about the magic trick of pulling off a day.
I think it's a combination of effort and luck. I try to do things that will make good things happen, and I keep my eye out for any spark of warmth & light, however brief and small. Sometimes it doesn't happen no matter what I do or where I look, and then comes out of nowhere. But so far I can always pull off a day.
I got extra pillows so there's the comfort of bed if all else fails.
I think it's a combination of effort and luck. I try to do things that will make good things happen, and I keep my eye out for any spark of warmth & light, however brief and small. Sometimes it doesn't happen no matter what I do or where I look, and then comes out of nowhere. But so far I can always pull off a day.
I got extra pillows so there's the comfort of bed if all else fails.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Cow
You know, Mr. Scott, I thinking more and more, that it not can be about waiting for relief from you sufferings, cuz, to be honest, not everybody get that. So, for me, is become to make peace with them. I not entirely sure I can do it. But at least, being sober, I can look them in the eyes. And I damn sure gonna try.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi everybody, nice to be seeing you again. How is you all going? I really like to know.
I doing lot of thought lately on "how to keepa go when payoff is maybe not happening for you." It take special kind of discipline ...one that I not really too familiar with. Like Army kind of discipline. You just gonna do this, not cuz it gonna feel good, or for reward, or for payoff, but just cuz it what you gonna do.
Is some will say, well Cow, if that you case, you just has to make the "doing" of it it own reward. ... ... Yes, that very deep, and EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!!!. I keed. Anyways, that what I working on.
I doing lot of thought lately on "how to keepa go when payoff is maybe not happening for you." It take special kind of discipline ...one that I not really too familiar with. Like Army kind of discipline. You just gonna do this, not cuz it gonna feel good, or for reward, or for payoff, but just cuz it what you gonna do.
Is some will say, well Cow, if that you case, you just has to make the "doing" of it it own reward. ... ... Yes, that very deep, and EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!!!.
I keed. Anyways, that what I working on. saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,182
Originally Posted by Cow
you know, at end of day, life not care if you disappointed or if the dove can overcome her broken wing. You get up, every day, no matter how you feeling, and go look for some worms, or life quite happy to move on without you. ue
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
My way has been, every time I find something that relieves my anxiety or depression, I do it again -- the same way, every day & at the same time, if possible. I've created lots of little tiny refuges. They fill almost all the spaces in the day when I might otherwise wallow in misery.
I occasionally think, well, what would it matter if I didn't post gratitude to SR every day? Hmmm. I wouldn't stop to think about it. I'd probably stop pausing to feel it. I'd possibly use those moments to feel sorry for myself. Moment good, or moment bad. My choice. I'm sticking with the gratitude thread.
I occasionally think, well, what would it matter if I didn't post gratitude to SR every day? Hmmm. I wouldn't stop to think about it. I'd probably stop pausing to feel it. I'd possibly use those moments to feel sorry for myself. Moment good, or moment bad. My choice. I'm sticking with the gratitude thread.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Hi cow. Don't give up before the miracle happens! Fake it till ya make it don't kick me out of here for trotting out some AA slogans.....
I'm doing well. I went to a meeting tonight where I heard a share about a woman who recently had to drive herself to the hospital when she was in labor because her boyfriend was too drunk to drive her. Water broken and contractions she was behind the wheel. It really helped me see how strong a person in sobriety can be. Inspiring. She's still sober and working through her resentment while learning how to be a mom. If she can do that, I can get thru my crap. And you can make it thru your journey. That which does not kill us.....
don't kick me out of here for trotting out some AA slogans.....I'm doing well. I went to a meeting tonight where I heard a share about a woman who recently had to drive herself to the hospital when she was in labor because her boyfriend was too drunk to drive her. Water broken and contractions she was behind the wheel. It really helped me see how strong a person in sobriety can be. Inspiring. She's still sober and working through her resentment while learning how to be a mom. If she can do that, I can get thru my crap. And you can make it thru your journey. That which does not kill us.....
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Sweet Kittycat, I always so glad to hear from you. I been quiet, cuz, well, I just got not much to say I guess. But I total listen all day to how you all getting on. It lift me to hear especial of you doing well, cuz I know it been huge struggle for you, so please keep on sharing.
For me is time of deep thinking, but is not easy thinking to share. I kind of explain it in last post. But I think this is normal, so I go with it.
And plus also, I never know you was big Prince fan. Favorite song? Mine is... mmm... Condition of the Heart.
For me is time of deep thinking, but is not easy thinking to share. I kind of explain it in last post. But I think this is normal, so I go with it.
And plus also, I never know you was big Prince fan. Favorite song? Mine is... mmm... Condition of the Heart.
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