Whodathunk

I think it is only as we look at in time that we can understand where we each fit into the scale of how long it takes us to get 'back to normal', whatever normal is, and we all have our own normal.

When I first got sober (after many relapsed in the first 6 months) what I kept hearing in AA was "Don't make any major decisions in your first 2 years of sobriety". Of course, that is just a large 'time number' not ever followed up by any specific and in depth reasons why, really I don't see how it could be. That is such a subjective and personal thing, and non of it is based on scientific data.

What we DO know, is that getting sober is not easy. For me, having been a binge drinker for years, and a heavy drinker before the binging for 10 years prior to the accelerated binging, (I am now 54, been sober for call it 5 years, with one 6 month fall off the wagon after 3 years), my personal re-entry into life was more like a rebirth. I was in a way like a little child. Each emotion, each experience, each EVERYTHING was in a way brand new, since it had been so long since I experienced any of these things without being drunk. In fact, one of the strangest things, is that most movies that I watched during my last 5 years of heavy drinking were not ones that I could remember. So, in watching those same movies over again, it was amazing to me how in a way they were familiar, but I could not remember the movies I had already seen.

So back to the 'not making major life changes during the first 2 years'.

For me, that was wise advice to hear, and in a few cases I actually did postpone BIG decisions during the first two years. I am glad I did. We can't ALWAYS put off some big decisions that life throws our way, that for our own health or for others, we must make those changes. I truly get that.

Now, in my 6th year, I am experiencing (for me) how real this 'putting off big things' really is. The 'things' can be anything. Right now for me, my daughter is getting married in a few months. The pressure is building, but like a good (semi wise) husband and father, I am trying (and pretty successfully) to only right checks and not participate in any decisions. The estrogen levels are a strong reason to leave my testosterone and predominately logical way of thinking in check, since so many 'moments' are emotionally charged. I had my hip replaced last May, and picked up some body weight during recovery. I would "LIKE" to look as good as possible for the family photos, so I started my new diet and workout plan on December 26th, being right on the cusp of my doc saying it was okay to progress, gingerly, with my hip. This is the 4th time I have been on this workout journey, where I log my calories and workout (CICO) and being a 'data honk' I use this as my OCD form of release. This is the first time that I have not had an injury to deal with during the last 8 weeks of shaving off the pounds.

I could not have done this before now, regarding my drinking and sobriety. Not only do we (I) face stress and anxiety with things that non-alcoholics might not have problems with, I know that in the first few years up till now, I would have been jonesing for the wine bottle. However, I am now able to balance and juggle all of what I am currently facing, my daughters upcoming wedding, losing weight, watching calories, working, marriage, and still trying to stay sober (which STILL on some days, is a very fresh feeling of weakness, or that I am STILL just that one drink away from going down that rabbit hole that is one way only).

I don't feel strong, I just feel like I can now manage this amount of 'stuff' in my own personal life and not fall apart and drink. I still have anxiety and I will just call it what it is, DEPRESSION, but it is manageable now. One drink and it's all over. That is so fresh in my brain now. I proved this after 3 years of sobriety, when I was convinced that I was 'fixed' and could 'drink socially' and even convinced myself that in fact, I probably had never been an alcoholic, since how could a 'real' alcoholic not drink for 3 years and be able to drink socially (like I would do that weekend on that guys only golf trip)(yes, I actually fast forwarded into the future with my logic that I had already proved I would drink and stop, and that weekend had not even started yet). But with that first drink, and it really was truly after the first sip, I knew I was an alcoholic, and I would not drink responsibly, and I would not be stopping. It took 6 ******* months to get back on track. That I will never forget.

So, after this long brain dump, my point is, that it has take ME (not you) a full 5-6 years to tolerate and take on larger assignments and changes. Call it age, length of drinking, amount of drinking, body chemistry, call it whatever you want. Take the same person as me, and they could do all of these things after 6 months of sobriety. Take the second person just like me, and give them 10 years of sobriety, and they might crater trying to manage any of my stuff for one day.

We are all different in these ways.

Where we are not all different, is that we are alcoholics, and we are one drink away from trouble.

In my case, one drink away from death.

Kcey

I'm only on day 8 and I have tried to talk myself out of thinking I'm an alcoholic. It's not just me then - the long conversation I had with myself on Saturday night was testament that a none alcoholic would never had had. I appreciate your brain dump it makes me feel normal

MsCooterBrown

Nice Dump Whodathunk! I now write poetry!

I really understand this. I have gone thru the thoughts of "How could I be an alcoholic when I have gone this long without drinking"....THEN you actually try to crawl back to sobriety. I always wonder in the "Normal People" feel the effect of drinking the same way "Alkys" do. So many things unanswered.

So many posts really make me sad. Yours is happy...the ending that is just a beginning anyway. I just never want people to give up. Glad you checked in!

Whodathunk

LOL! Thank you MsCooter! I have actually never enjoyed or appreciated anyone telling me that I did a nice dump, but in this context your comment might find itself written on an index card and laminated and taped to the inside of my vanity cabinet door (where I keep little mementos and 'inspiration' quotes).....Nice Poetry, and I bet you landed it on your first draft too!

I am glad my post made you 'happy'. Despite the way it ended, it is always necessary to remind myself of that day when I truly hit my bottom, and I knew that I either would go to a noon AA meeting (drunk) or I would keep drinking and it would end. I would end. I chose the AA meeting, it was that strong of an Ah-Ha moment for me that I will never forget.

Personally (only from sitting in so many AA meetings and hearing so many stories (accounts), I would say that your 'wondering about the "Normal People" ' feeling the same as us, is that they do not feel like us. I can't explain away how any person can leave some wine in a glass and be done, or leave a wine bottle partly finished to require a cork. In fact, that was my favorite part of having people over to our home and my wife cooking, since I would clean the table. Using honest, unhealthy, and visually unpleasing truths here, I would finish every else's glass when I got to the kitchen, that there were no bottles left partially opened. In fact, I would make sure, and a 'good host' would do, that multiple bottles would have been opened to ensure that multiple bottles would be left not emptied as I was cleaning up and out of their visual.

I always wondered if I was really an alcoholic till that weekend after 3 years sobriety. It was truly baffling to me how hard it was to stop again. I was 'baffled' for the next 3 months (I might have originally said 6 months, but I drank on that trip at the end of April, and my new sobriety date is July 10th, 2015 - I am sure my memory is reinforced with it feeling like it was so much longer).

KCey, CONGRATULATIONS ON "8 FREAKING DAYS"!!! I remember that getting 2 days in a row was (for me) the hardest. You have done that x's 4. Your mind will play with you, this is a certainty. It took a very thick set of blinders for me to not let that thinking in, and I had many of those conversations with myself (like you had on Saturday night). If I have any suggestions for you, it will be to really use and utilize this forum, read as much as you can, post as much as you can, try to go to meetings of your choice (for me it is AA - and no, I seldom 'share', in fact I sit in the back still, and many times still fly out the door before the end so that no one will talk to me, but I honestly can say (for me) that absorption alone of the words that I have heard from others like us in AA (my home group and other meetings I find when I am on the road) has worked wonders for me. Then, when you get that feeling and the thoughts come around, just stop, pause, just stop whatever you are doing. What I have heard so many times really is true, 'this too shall pass', it always does. This does not mean that what comes next is good or any better, but letting that moment pass when drinking is at the forefront of our thinking, well this is the best result that you can hope for. And you have to trust that it will build on itself. And it truly does. This is not a race or a quick fix. But each minute, hour, and 24 hour period that passes for me that I did not drink, this is a blessing and a little building block in my foundation. Keep up the great job. 8 Days is really fantastic. Great Going!!!!!

thomas11

Great post and I agree with you. There are millions of people in sobriety and no two journeys are the same. Congratulations. Take it easy on the hip!