Advice for Social Situations
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Advice for Social Situations
I am hoping to get some advice and tips on how to feel more comfortable in social settings while sober. I often attend work-related social gatherings with prospective customers/clients. I'm not a terribly introverted person (probably slightly introvert if you put me on a scale) but I am somewhat reserved and I do struggle in these situations. My SO (who is extremely supportive of my sobriety) has commented that I need to find a way to loosen up in these social situations and she is almost certainly right. But how? In the past, of course, I would always rely upon a few (or many) glasses of wine to loosen me up. I can't and won't do this anymore, but I still need to attend these events and interact with people. Anyone have any great tips?
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
I try to focus on the other people ... ask questions, get them talking about their life, last vacation, next vacation, kids, interests, hobbies, anything. People usually like talking about themselves if prompted. And it takes the focus off me, which makes me less nervous. It usually gets me through the event, even if I'm not a scintillating conversationalist!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
This is a problem for me as well.
I was very shy as a kid and when I discovered alcohol 30+ years ago my life completely changed. I was outgoing, made a ton of friends and was the life of the party.
But as years went on the alcohol turned on me and I could not function during day to day life without drinking everyday. I drank alone 90% of the time so in social situations I looked like a drunken fool because my alcoholism was out of control. Being stuck in my head 90% of the time making judgments of the outside world with a booze-soaked brain made me unable to converse like a human being.
Today, at 118 days sober I still have trouble getting the courage to be social but I just "go for it". The longer I am sober the more self confidence and self esteem I seem to have.
I was very shy as a kid and when I discovered alcohol 30+ years ago my life completely changed. I was outgoing, made a ton of friends and was the life of the party.
But as years went on the alcohol turned on me and I could not function during day to day life without drinking everyday. I drank alone 90% of the time so in social situations I looked like a drunken fool because my alcoholism was out of control. Being stuck in my head 90% of the time making judgments of the outside world with a booze-soaked brain made me unable to converse like a human being.
Today, at 118 days sober I still have trouble getting the courage to be social but I just "go for it". The longer I am sober the more self confidence and self esteem I seem to have.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I also try to focus on the people and the reason for being there. And I also try and remind myself that for the most part no one else cares in the least if I happen to be drinking alcohol or not. Alcoholics are the only ones who obsess about it, most people don't notice one way or the other.
Having said that, if an event is purely for drinking...I simply don't go. I don't drink so I have no reason to be there.
Having said that, if an event is purely for drinking...I simply don't go. I don't drink so I have no reason to be there.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Always have a (non) alcoholic drink in your hand. Do any colleagues know you're sober? If so, sit next to that person, it can be an anchor. Most importantly, only stay as long as you absolutely must, then leave. And, leave immediately if you find yourself focusing on the alcohol.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I agree with others, be interested in other people. It sounds like you're self-conscious, so take the focus off yourself.
The answer is not "finding a way to loosen up". I feel like that is just another way of saying "drink or do something that will remove your inhibitions so that you will act in ways that you normally wouldn't be comfortable with".
Just be true to yourself.
The answer is not "finding a way to loosen up". I feel like that is just another way of saying "drink or do something that will remove your inhibitions so that you will act in ways that you normally wouldn't be comfortable with".
Just be true to yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by tursiops999 
I try to focus on the other people ... ask questions, get them talking about their life, last vacation, next vacation, kids, interests, hobbies, anything. People usually like talking about themselves if prompted. And it takes the focus off me, which makes me less nervous. It usually gets me through the event, even if I'm not a scintillating conversationalist!
I stuck up a conversation with someone who is sometimes rather cool and aloof to me (I talk to her because her husband is a friend of mine with quite a few years sober).
Without giving a thought to chatting with her, I started asking her about her 3 children, and she opened up.
I try to listen a lot, whether I'm in a social, business or recovery setting.
Lastly, I just be myself.
I'm okay with myself (there's still plenty of room for improvement, make no mistake).
I had this fear early on in recovery, and it is completely gone.
I talk to whomever I wish without fear or the need to people please.
Keep us posted.
These are "normal" anxieties from my perspective.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
I was at an AA meeting and the lead speaker talked of how she made a big deal in her mind about being in social situations and not drinking.
She felt like everyone would ask her why she isn't drinking.
Normal people do not live their lives constantly thinking about alcohol. Normal people can go out, function and take it or leave it. Normal people don't care if others are drinking or not.
For 27 years an hour didn't go by that I wasn't hungover, drunk or thinking and planning my next drink. Now I have the stress of trying not to drink and coping with my same life sober.
She felt like everyone would ask her why she isn't drinking.
Normal people do not live their lives constantly thinking about alcohol. Normal people can go out, function and take it or leave it. Normal people don't care if others are drinking or not.
For 27 years an hour didn't go by that I wasn't hungover, drunk or thinking and planning my next drink. Now I have the stress of trying not to drink and coping with my same life sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 209
Ok this is the way you see it. I'm termanally shy / dyslexia doesn't help
I'm very intelligent/ have a very successful business: need to socialise and know stuff i don't care about /
I would rather people think I'm stupid and hide behind people who are clever and entertaining than a boring person like me. My lovely dad drank too much- ha died at 59 -
I'm very intelligent/ have a very successful business: need to socialise and know stuff i don't care about /
I would rather people think I'm stupid and hide behind people who are clever and entertaining than a boring person like me. My lovely dad drank too much- ha died at 59 -
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 165
I was worried about this very thing too when I was getting sober. My wife is an attorney and had periodic functions and I was concerned about how it would look if I was not drinking, since I was never at any function without a drink in my hand.
Turned out, no one cared. Most times, if someone asked if I wanted a drink, and I said TopoChico, or club soda and lime, I might get a double take, that was all. NEVER ONCE at my wife's function did anyone ask me about it, or ask her.
I think most people these days assume that one person will be a designated driver since DUI's are so expensive these days (got one of those too).
Twice at two of her events, a few different women asked me what I was drinking, and I said "Fizzy Water and Lime", and they seemed relieved since it looked like a gin and tonic I guess, and they followed suit, obviously worried about how it would look for them.
I think the best reinforcement that I got was a periodic look from the bartender who seemed to know, he/she just knew, and would give me a knowing smile.
NOW, with MY friends, or social situations where we new couples, I would be asked. I finally started saying "I don't drink anymore" or "I stopped". Yes, there was the periodic person who would want to know why, and I would say "I drank my quota and you don't want to see what happens when I take a drink" (but that line only started being delivered when I started not giving a **** what people thought.
I was part of an annual "Guy Golfing Trip" that was a 5 day excuse for men to get away, drink, smoke pot, maybe do other drugs. Pretty low key group, but HEAVY drinkers. Of course the first 5 years of those outings I was the life of the party, starting the day with my pre-breakfast beer, and not stopping till bed.
Then I got sober, and that first year, it went pretty much unnoticed. I got just a few looks, but everyone was too drunk to know.
The next year, still sober, I was in the lead (big money event, lots of side bets, big ego's on the line to win the annual trophy - funny how this is so important to some of these guys, buying all the new gear, taking lessons, you know the type. I would play once before the tournament as the years progressed, and gradually start missing a club or two, becoming the butt of a few jokes each year). So, I was in the lead after the first day, and my not drinking was brought front and center. My next door neighbor who started this event 25 years ago knew about my alcoholism, but surprisingly he did not 'really' support me, but he did not join in with the sarcastic comments either. Final day, I am tied for the lead WITH my next door neighbor, and ended up winning the damn thing, taking home like $1,500 plus side bets. But I could feel the chill from 'most of the guys', but not from all.
Next year, as defending champion, I was catching **** from the moment I arrived about why was I not drinking. However, two guys found me in private wanting to know more, obviously interested in maybe stopping themselves, and that was a nice 12th step for me. But it was a brutal trip. My neighbor, being my cart partner one day, asked me twice if I wanted a 'swig' from his flask, then joking saying "Oh I forgot, you don't drink". I took it personally. The final day, the guy who each year drove me and my neighbor to the airport, said "Trucks full, nice seeing you, you need to catch a ride with someone else" and he gave me pretty much a "**** You" grin. The truck was not full. My neighbor felt bad when we got back home (I could tell because he called to see if I had fun, 3 times, and I was simply polite).
The next year, after being sober 3.5 years, was when I decided I would drink on that trip, convinced I was 'cured', and not an alcoholic. Yes, this coincided with me wanted to be "One Of The Guys" and knowing that I could not go on that trip again and NOT drink, but I also convinced myself that I was no longer an alcoholic.
I showed up, and to the surprise of my neighbor got a gin and tonic, he looked surprised, and I knew after that first sip that I was still an alcoholic. It was a 5 day bender, I was again the life of the party, accepted again, but quite miserable knowing that I had blown 3.5 years of sobriety, and I think my gut telling me that this would not be easy to stop again, like I convinced myself after each drink that I would do when I got home. It took 3 months to finally stop drinking again.
The next year I told my neighbor I would not go on the trip. He seemed to have no clue why. I told him that I can't drink, it was hell stopping after last years, and that it is NO FUN being the only one there not drinking, and I was convinced other guys did not like a nondrinker being there. And that was that.
Not one of those guys emailed or messaged me saying "See you next year", or "Hey, why did not you not come", nada, nothing. Last year, my neighbor asked one more time, I said "NOPE", and this year (the trip is in April) it has not come up.
So, that was a rough one. But really, I finally understood what I heard over and over in AA, which was that in "MOST" cases, we shift friendships, or less politely said, we dump the ones who like us only because we drink. They really are not friends. And that hurt. But it helped me get stronger too, putting my health and sobriety and my life ahead of being self conscious about "What will they think".
Sorry for the long comment, I did not plan on it being long. Great Post!!! Thank you!
No one really gives a **** if you drink or not. If they do care to the negative, **** em. Take note though of the ones that are supportive or surprised to the plus side, those are the people you want in your life and corner, and may be ones that take you aside later when they are ready to stop drinking too.
You won't know it, or understand it, but you will be role modeling to some that you have no idea that it is going on at the time. Karma works this way.
Turned out, no one cared. Most times, if someone asked if I wanted a drink, and I said TopoChico, or club soda and lime, I might get a double take, that was all. NEVER ONCE at my wife's function did anyone ask me about it, or ask her.
I think most people these days assume that one person will be a designated driver since DUI's are so expensive these days (got one of those too).
Twice at two of her events, a few different women asked me what I was drinking, and I said "Fizzy Water and Lime", and they seemed relieved since it looked like a gin and tonic I guess, and they followed suit, obviously worried about how it would look for them.
I think the best reinforcement that I got was a periodic look from the bartender who seemed to know, he/she just knew, and would give me a knowing smile.
NOW, with MY friends, or social situations where we new couples, I would be asked. I finally started saying "I don't drink anymore" or "I stopped". Yes, there was the periodic person who would want to know why, and I would say "I drank my quota and you don't want to see what happens when I take a drink" (but that line only started being delivered when I started not giving a **** what people thought.
I was part of an annual "Guy Golfing Trip" that was a 5 day excuse for men to get away, drink, smoke pot, maybe do other drugs. Pretty low key group, but HEAVY drinkers. Of course the first 5 years of those outings I was the life of the party, starting the day with my pre-breakfast beer, and not stopping till bed.
Then I got sober, and that first year, it went pretty much unnoticed. I got just a few looks, but everyone was too drunk to know.
The next year, still sober, I was in the lead (big money event, lots of side bets, big ego's on the line to win the annual trophy - funny how this is so important to some of these guys, buying all the new gear, taking lessons, you know the type. I would play once before the tournament as the years progressed, and gradually start missing a club or two, becoming the butt of a few jokes each year). So, I was in the lead after the first day, and my not drinking was brought front and center. My next door neighbor who started this event 25 years ago knew about my alcoholism, but surprisingly he did not 'really' support me, but he did not join in with the sarcastic comments either. Final day, I am tied for the lead WITH my next door neighbor, and ended up winning the damn thing, taking home like $1,500 plus side bets. But I could feel the chill from 'most of the guys', but not from all.
Next year, as defending champion, I was catching **** from the moment I arrived about why was I not drinking. However, two guys found me in private wanting to know more, obviously interested in maybe stopping themselves, and that was a nice 12th step for me. But it was a brutal trip. My neighbor, being my cart partner one day, asked me twice if I wanted a 'swig' from his flask, then joking saying "Oh I forgot, you don't drink". I took it personally. The final day, the guy who each year drove me and my neighbor to the airport, said "Trucks full, nice seeing you, you need to catch a ride with someone else" and he gave me pretty much a "**** You" grin. The truck was not full. My neighbor felt bad when we got back home (I could tell because he called to see if I had fun, 3 times, and I was simply polite).
The next year, after being sober 3.5 years, was when I decided I would drink on that trip, convinced I was 'cured', and not an alcoholic. Yes, this coincided with me wanted to be "One Of The Guys" and knowing that I could not go on that trip again and NOT drink, but I also convinced myself that I was no longer an alcoholic.
I showed up, and to the surprise of my neighbor got a gin and tonic, he looked surprised, and I knew after that first sip that I was still an alcoholic. It was a 5 day bender, I was again the life of the party, accepted again, but quite miserable knowing that I had blown 3.5 years of sobriety, and I think my gut telling me that this would not be easy to stop again, like I convinced myself after each drink that I would do when I got home. It took 3 months to finally stop drinking again.
The next year I told my neighbor I would not go on the trip. He seemed to have no clue why. I told him that I can't drink, it was hell stopping after last years, and that it is NO FUN being the only one there not drinking, and I was convinced other guys did not like a nondrinker being there. And that was that.
Not one of those guys emailed or messaged me saying "See you next year", or "Hey, why did not you not come", nada, nothing. Last year, my neighbor asked one more time, I said "NOPE", and this year (the trip is in April) it has not come up.
So, that was a rough one. But really, I finally understood what I heard over and over in AA, which was that in "MOST" cases, we shift friendships, or less politely said, we dump the ones who like us only because we drink. They really are not friends. And that hurt. But it helped me get stronger too, putting my health and sobriety and my life ahead of being self conscious about "What will they think".
Sorry for the long comment, I did not plan on it being long. Great Post!!! Thank you!
No one really gives a **** if you drink or not. If they do care to the negative, **** em. Take note though of the ones that are supportive or surprised to the plus side, those are the people you want in your life and corner, and may be ones that take you aside later when they are ready to stop drinking too.
You won't know it, or understand it, but you will be role modeling to some that you have no idea that it is going on at the time. Karma works this way.
Now what?
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by soberandhonest
My SO (who is extremely supportive of my sobriety) has commented that I need to find a way to loosen up in these social situations and she is almost certainly right. But how?
You wrote "I still need to attend these events and interact with people." Okay. What can you do before you attend these events that would enable you to become a little more grounded and less anxious? When you're interacting with people, what can you focus on in your discussions rather than the fact that you're uncomfortable?
How long are you staying? Might that have something to do with your being uncomfortable? I don't know too many people in sobriety that would choose to spend more time than necessary around a group of people who are drinking ...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Approaching events sober is one of the only times I engage in formal prayer.
I take a minute in the car or bathroom or entrance hall and ask the universe/God/the Force - "I'm here & I'm not sure why. Not feeling confident. Please use me as a conduit. There is someone in this room who needs to meet me tonight. Maybe so I'll listen, maybe so I'll talk to them & make them feel safe, maybe because they have an idea or a problem & I have the exact skills to help them realize it or repair it. Help me be brave enough to walk in & find them & be available to them."
The great thing is that - over & over again - I find that it is delivered - a person who needs my attention or enthusiasm or friendship. Bam! Gives me a sense of purpose & makes it important that I'm sober & paying attention...
I take a minute in the car or bathroom or entrance hall and ask the universe/God/the Force - "I'm here & I'm not sure why. Not feeling confident. Please use me as a conduit. There is someone in this room who needs to meet me tonight. Maybe so I'll listen, maybe so I'll talk to them & make them feel safe, maybe because they have an idea or a problem & I have the exact skills to help them realize it or repair it. Help me be brave enough to walk in & find them & be available to them."
The great thing is that - over & over again - I find that it is delivered - a person who needs my attention or enthusiasm or friendship. Bam! Gives me a sense of purpose & makes it important that I'm sober & paying attention...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I have an event coming up in 2 weeks.... it's a buck and doe for my best friend and I'm the maid of honor in the wedding. I have to attend. I have been helping to plan the games and gambling, I am doing the decorating, I am cooking a dish to bring for the potluck. It is at a bar and will be a big drinking event. I don't drink. I have taken drinking completely off the table. Still knowing the event is approaching has been causing me a ton of anxiety. I've been telling myself that because I won't be preoccupied with getting hammered I will be able to be a better friend to her since I will be clear headed enough to organize the games and keep things on track and help with the food and clean up. I plan to leave early, once I see that people are getting drunk and have lost focus on the gambling/ money making part of the party.
By the time of the party I will be 4 weeks sober..... In my opinion too soon to be exposing myself to such a difficult situation but I don't see another option. I'm not afraid that I will drink, just more anxious about being really uncomfortable.
By the time of the party I will be 4 weeks sober..... In my opinion too soon to be exposing myself to such a difficult situation but I don't see another option. I'm not afraid that I will drink, just more anxious about being really uncomfortable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 165
It's been commented to many posts, that it is virtually impossible to 100% avoid places and situations 100% void of alcohol or temptations. It sucks, but it is also a chance to get confidence little by little by tiptoeing into the environments when we 'have to' or have an obligation to, knowing that we are free to leave at any time.
Once you show up to an event and let your presence be known, it is very easy to simply leave once you have had enough. Then you can be proud that you went to the event on your own terms and left on your own terms.
Once you show up to an event and let your presence be known, it is very easy to simply leave once you have had enough. Then you can be proud that you went to the event on your own terms and left on your own terms.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Quick update on my efforts.
I went to a concert last weekend with my SO. I really concentrated on just relaxing and having a good time and, what do you know, it worked pretty darn well. My girl had a few drinks and I had a few ginger beers and I just really let my guard down and enjoyed the music. I even danced for a bit, which is waaaaay out of my comfort zone (trust me, you would know if you saw me - I'm the dude with virtually no rhythm, the guy that you sorta feel bad for). But, I didn't worry about what others thought and I knew that most of them were drunk or stoned or something. I just tried to relax and have a great date night - and it worked.
As for drinking, it didn't bother me and I wasn't at all tempted. I'm almost 16 months sober and it is not at all difficult to be around booze. Being sober at a concert is, ironically, sobering. I saw a lot of 40 year olds who were really struggling as the night went on. I saw spouses embarrassed by their SO's drunkenness. I saw men and women do things that, if they remember them, they will surely regret. It was great to enjoy an excellent concert completely sober and wake up the next morning without feeling crappy or regretful.
My next stop is to attend a business function and find a way to make it enjoyable. That might be a more difficult mountain to climb.
I went to a concert last weekend with my SO. I really concentrated on just relaxing and having a good time and, what do you know, it worked pretty darn well. My girl had a few drinks and I had a few ginger beers and I just really let my guard down and enjoyed the music. I even danced for a bit, which is waaaaay out of my comfort zone (trust me, you would know if you saw me - I'm the dude with virtually no rhythm, the guy that you sorta feel bad for). But, I didn't worry about what others thought and I knew that most of them were drunk or stoned or something. I just tried to relax and have a great date night - and it worked.
As for drinking, it didn't bother me and I wasn't at all tempted. I'm almost 16 months sober and it is not at all difficult to be around booze. Being sober at a concert is, ironically, sobering. I saw a lot of 40 year olds who were really struggling as the night went on. I saw spouses embarrassed by their SO's drunkenness. I saw men and women do things that, if they remember them, they will surely regret. It was great to enjoy an excellent concert completely sober and wake up the next morning without feeling crappy or regretful.
My next stop is to attend a business function and find a way to make it enjoyable. That might be a more difficult mountain to climb.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 8
People with social anxiety tend to fear and avoid social situations. They are very concerned that they will do something embarrassing, or that others will judge them. It is normal to feel anxious in social situations from time to time.
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