I messed up and now paying for it
 

I've been clean for almost 2 months and a few days ago it was my birthday, I foolishly thought I could handle a few and now 4 days later I'm back to the same old hell.
I have drank for the last 25 years, first rarely, casually , than on weekends, than partying through college and in the past 15 years still functioning, but very dependant on drinking.
I decided to quit this past Christmas because I felt that it was time, after problems with my blood pressure and because drinking simply wasn't fun anymore. My mind and body had enough of the abuse and was giving me all kinds of signs I should have listened to more and remembered more clearly .
After Christmas I went through a week of hell with withdrawal symptoms , still anxious and craving badly but made it for 50 days.
Now I'm anxious even while drinking only a few drinks and very irritable like a mad man. My kids are driving me absolutely nuts, my wife too. Its like I'm trying to pick a fight with everyone. I feel horrible, I don't want to take it out on them. I hate it that I started again, and cant believe what fool I've been, trying to tell myself its ok I'll just stop after my birthday. Its been 4 days of moderate drinking and I feel like @#$% . I don't want to be around anyone, or work :a043:or anything.
I know I have to quit again and go through the same :riphair hell. I need to gather strength and stay sober. I have admitted to myself that alcohol has control over me and I cannot drink anymore, Please keep you fingers crossed for me .:thanks

This can be the last time you ever have to go through it Noel :)
I'm glad you found us.

Rather than us or you crossing your fingers tho - why not think about the changes you can make in your life right now to better reflect your desire to be sober? :)

D

Welcome, Noel!

You can get a lot more from us than just having us cross our fingers for you. Please read around and post here as much as possible right now. Here's a couple good threads to join:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6338500

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-3.html

You did it for 50 days. You can so easily do it again.

Unfortunately our brains will always try to trick us into thinking we can have one drink and everything will be ok, that we can be normal. The reality is alcohol is a poison to us and we have to treat it as such.

You've done it before, you can stay off it again.

Keep fighting the good fight mate.

Ben.

I quit many times. Once I even quit for 6 years but I always went back. I discovered there is a huge difference between abstinence and recovery. When I started going to AA and working the steps I found recovery. Recovery is about building a new life not about trying to make your old life work without alcohol

Lesson learned!

Not being glib. I have learned that same lesson over & over.

Feeling great sober? Healthy? Focussed?
I should drink then, cause I'm all healthy & focussed!!

Huh?

And I'm considered super-smart. Gifted even.
But I'm not clever in that calculation. A "special day" - a birthday, Christmas, Mardi Gras, an anniversary - ends up stretching to months. I'm the only person in town "celebrating" my birthday a month later, with the self-gift of a relapse...

And the screwed up thing is that if I really wanted to honor my birthday (or any other "special day"), I could showcase sobriety as an enormous gift to self!! (There could be cheesecake also, and an expensive restaurant, & a massage).

Drinking poison for my birthday celebration is - well - a wee bit counter-intuitive!
An actual self-harm mental health issue if we're not being polite.

Alcohol isn't poison for every human being. It is for me. I have zero explanation as to why that would be my "preferred beverage" out of the hundreds of available yummy beverages (lemonade! Chocolate milkshakes!) on a special day.

I've been there too. Our shared madness makes no sense to me & actually makes me sort of sad.

My birthday wish for you (& me & us) is that we will all start loving ourselves enough to change what we choose as reward for our happinesses! Could it be something that loved us back for a change?!?

Hi noel, no need to cross your fingers because there's an art and technique to giving up drinking, once you've realised it's what you want.

Firstly be aware of triggers. birthdays, 'rewarding' yourself, depression, celebration - make your own list. Once you're aware it's coming, or even if it's unexpected, you can deal with the cravings. For me it was leaving work in the afternoon.

Substitute other activities and relaxation rituals like afternoon walk, cup of tea, a juice, something sweet, something savoury, a non-alcoholic treat.

Don't let yourself get too tired or hungry or thirsty. Eat regularly and early. At first your brain will treat any stressor as a sign to drink because that's been your go-to, but you can train it differently.

I found taking 5 deep breaths, concentrating on my body, took care of any passing craving. It's a quick relaxation technique.

[QUOTE=MIRecovery;6338550]I quit many times. Once I even quit for 6 years but I always went back. I discovered there is a huge difference between abstinence and recovery. When I started going to AA and working the steps I found recovery. Recovery is about building a new life not about trying to make your old life work without alcohol[/QUOTE]

A powerful statement and very true for me. But not everyone is prepared to do what it takes. We are always on the lookout for easier softer ways. Whe I finally got to the AA thing and did the steps, I found that was the easier softer way.

For me the stress of trying to moderate would be unreasonable. There would be no sense that I would be angry because my body wanted more alcohol or my nervous system anyway and I was not providing it. I might not see it that way, but that would be going on. The only obvious choice for me was abstinence. Now, it is the only thing that makes absolute sense and any idea of drinking alcohol nonsense. I have had a couple of slips over the years, but not drinking has become the totally natural state and the thought of drinking is just uncomfortable. It was a journey to get to this point, but one that I think everyone takes. It may be a short or a long journey for different folks, but we all take it. I do believe that the shorter our journey to get it ingrained within, the better off, but "it takes what it takes". Wish you the best.

Thanks for all the good advice. I do have to be aware of all the triggers. It seems like my mind is trying to trick me into drinking because everything seems to be a trigger right now. I thought I was on track in a completely different mindset, and doing positive things for myself but it felt like it was wearing me down secretly and it only took a moment of weakness and the old mindset takes over, and now its like the sober concept is so far from my thoughts. if that makes any sense. I will keep fighting. and take it one day at a time.

See it as doing a bit of research. You can do it!! From your post I think you realize you can't have a drink or two. We addicts can't trust our own thinking, that's why a sponsor is a huge help. Big hug.

Noel, deciding to get sober, stop and never drink again is - to me - a big cliche. In fact it's a extended learning phase how to get sober dustomized four your personality and your life.

I, for instance, made the same experience as you described it, but it was a "REQUIRED" learning lesson, that I there is - once sober - no option for drinking again. I needed to experience that. So, that was part of my journey.

Maybe same for you?

Everything was a trigger, and when there were no triggers, that was a trigger too. Can't win with this trigger thing.

The moment of weakness makes perfect sense to me. It is classic alcoholism as I experienced it and as described in AAs big book. "Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

They labour this point quite a bit. Of course we all like to think we are one of the rare cases to whom this does not apply, but experience showed me otherwise.

I was where you were at just recently. I am now beginning day 12 of sobriety. The first four days were brutal. I endured four sleepless nights and profound depression. The dry heaves were terrible. My throat was like sandpaper. All I can say is that it feels so much better to be sober again. You have to go through it to get to the other side. Praying for you. You can do it!

Today is day one again, I decided last night I will quit today. I prayed for strength to help me through it. Its rough already and feels like a typical day one, dizzy, tired , anxious, crawly feeling my stomach feels like it wants to turn inside out. Today its more like taking it minute by minute than day by day. I wont drink, my body feels very opposed by the thought alone.
I read in another post where the OP describes exactly how I feel. It resonated with me and gives me strength knowing I'm not alone, that other people feel very similar to how I feel. I'm not sure If we can quote from another post, if not admin can delete.

Thanks to halfalife for writing this in "Forgotten how to live"


"For the past few years during the day, I had been getting by. Professionally, I put up the best façade I can muster. I am present, no sick days…mostly engaged in my duties, but I now perform at about 60 mph versus the 100 mph that I was accustomed to over the last decade. Everything in my life feels difficult in ways it hasn't before. I am irritable and closed off to people, and despite a loneliness I cannot describe in words, I prefer being and drinking alone. "

"I mostly assume others are selfish and will sacrifice the well-being of others to satisfy their needs. "