Doug39

I have been going to AA meetings for almost 2 months now. I go to at least 6 meetings a week. I have been to lead meetings, big book study and discussion group meetings.

I have learned a lot, gotten some phone numbers and met some good people.

But after hearing other people tell their stories and make comments I feel like I am not working the program properly. I really haven't gotten a solid sponsor yet, and I am not sure if I want one. I know I need to talk to someone to complete my fifth step. I don't know if I want to impose on someone.

I just want a spiritual awakening and to be happy with my life. I sometimes just feel like quitting AA because I don't feel like I am doing it right. I guess I am just looking to fit in somewhere since I don't fit in with the drinkers anymore.

Advice would be appreciated.

biminiblue

Why don't you find someone and get started on those steps? I mean, they are meant to help. If you find that the steps don't help, you can stop - but how do you know until you try?

You're two months sober, Doug. Time takes time, and you've said you have anxiety and depression. I didn't feel completely right until much further into sober time.

Have you considered talking to someone about this? Counselor? Priest? One good thing about a sponsor is that they've been there and know what you're going through. I wouldn't do a Fifth Step with a sponsor myself, I'd find someone like a priest or therapist to do that.

Have you read all of the Big Book? It's not magic, it's just good common sense ways to look at your patterns and find healthy ways to deal with life.

Doug39

Actually I am almost 4 months sober - I started AA two months ago.

I am reading the Big Book now. I do have a psychiatrist.

Thanks.

Done4today

Congrats on 4 months Doug. Thats a great accomplishment. The steps work better if you have someone to work them with. The BB says to find a closed mouth person to share your 5th step with. I did my 5th step with three different people because I didn't feel comfortable telling the first two everything. I luckily had my spiritual awakening somewhere between step one and three. I still worked the rest of the program and learned a ton about myself. I plan to do the steps every couple of years to "deep clean" my side of the street.

As for doing the program right, if you're doing the steps you're doing the AA program. The ongoing maintenance of the program are the meetings, service and fellowship. The AA program is a program that you will have to continually work on to guarantee your sobriety. It's not a one time deal that cures you.

ScottFromWI

I think you are doing just fine Doug, you are still sober, right? You are still learning though, and that's fine too. The core of AA is working the steps, so while you have been going to a lot of meetings ( which is great ! ) it's probably time to dig in and start working the steps with a sponsor.

tomsteve

having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps....

what makes you feel you don't 'fit in?"
why are you judging how YOU are doing off of the comments of others?

Doug39

I don't know - I guess I feel like I am not making sense when I comment.

I guess I am reading too much into it - everyone I have approached has been nice and willing to help me, I just feel out of place sometimes. I am sure it is all in my mind.

tomsteve

imagine that- an alcoholic reading too much into something!
that's quite common. we seem to overthink, over analyze, and over complicate.
it took me a while to feel at home and then I was home.

MIRecovery

You say your not sure you want a sponsor but the very questions you are asking are the questions you should be asking of a sponsor. Half measures availed us nothing and in my opinion not working the steps with a good sponsor is a half measure.

The mind that created the problem is unlikely to be the mind which will fix it. An experienced sponsor will guide you through the steps and provide an alternative view

cejay

Hey Doug,

Congrats on 4 months! That's huge!!! It's a great achievement. Lots of people never get to 1 month.

A couple random thoughts:

The promises state that a spiritual awakening comes from working the steps.

According to the book you don't have to read your 5th to a sponsor. You can read it to anyone you trust, such as a priest or psychiatrist. It also cautions reading it to certain people like your parents. Total good call there.

You know, sometimes people in meetings say more what the group wants to hear than what they actually had happen or think. I suggest you focus less on others' journey, and more on your. We all recover at our own pace.

Lastly, it takes time to be really content and comfortable in sobriety.
If you keep working your program (regardless of which one(s) you choose), you'll get there when you're ready but it takes time and work to undo the damage we've done to ourselves, physically and mentally.

Hope something there helps, again, congrats on 4 months!!

CJ.

waynetheking

Doug just give it time. If you're not getting anywhere in AA then either work harder in the program or get out. AA is not everyone. But it is a great program if you want it. But you have to give it time. My suggestion is stick with it. If after 1 year you're not happy then leave. You're perspective on sobriety will change over the next 8 months. Trust us, it will. Hang in there buddy.

tomls

Doug, I've been sober a lot longer than you ,October 15, 2016 so I know a thing or two! You are doing great man! Relax, don't get excited. As long as we're not drinking, I think we're doing pretty good! I think it's just gonna take some more time. We're just pups. Have a great sober day! Tom

PhoenixJ

Hi Doug. I done the AA stuff. I go to meetings, have a sponsor and get a lot out of it. I do not eat, live and breath AA. I also do SMART and pursue about 5 other things to learn, grow and share. To embrace the 'steps', you really do need a guide. The whole thing was set up a long time ago- and the basic ethos has changed little since- it still having relevance. That being said- the 'sponsor' angle is a good one.
Change the label- a guide, mentor, teacher, friend..whatever. Someone to guide is my take on it.

I really had to work hard to do that stuff the way expected from my old school guide. Fair enough- I had nothing to lose- I learnt things and grew. Without insight just going through the motions can seem hollow and unfulfilling. I have heard some crow to the world 'I am on step 4 now- you will find it really hard man!'. Just a costume- a conversation starter- but some do not really walk as well as talk. They do not really challenge themselves. That is HARD.
After all- if I do not change my way of thinking, my perception and be willing to take on new ideas, try and understand new thoughts- then I am just running around in ever decreasing circles.
Stopping drinking was the easy part for me. Working out WHY I destroyed my life and to change my whole perception, attitudes and lifelong held/taught from the cradle beliefs is the real struggle. Be brave- do it the way it suggests. After all- it has worked for others, perhaps there is something in it? Try getting a guide. What have you got to lose? Humans usually only learn and grow when they are outside their comfort zone. I do not wish people luck. Luck has nothing to do with it. I give you support and HOPE that you do something with the awareness that you want to grow. Armed with that means you can now do something about it.
PJ

shortstop81

I'm in the middle of working my steps, and half the time I also question whether I'm doing anything right. But that's where my sponsor comes in, and has answers to my questions while also cutting through any of my fears or misconceptions.

I had to stop comparing and judging my experience to death, just as I had done with everything else in my life. It sounds like maybe you're having a similar problem, and honestly I think it's because you only have one foot in the water.

By all means, if it's keeping you sober that's a good thing. But if you want to experience the spiritual awakening, I think your best bet is to get a solid sponsor to lead you through the rest of the steps. And whether the spiritual awakening happens or not - at least you would know you gave it a genuine effort. That in itself is worth a lot.

At least that's what I tell myself.

Algorithm

Doug,

You don't necessarily need a sponsor to take the steps. You only need someone to hear your Fifth Step, which would be very ill advised to do with someone not trained in or bound by discretion, whom you only recently met. The book has some suggestions on this.

You are in Cleveland, OH, though, which means that you could probably find Back to Basics beginner's meetings by asking around. People at such meetings could help you finish the steps in about four weeks.

I would suggest reading the literature, and making up your own mind, rather then relying entirely on what you hear in meetings. There is nothing wrong with leaving AA, however, if it turns out that it does not suit you.

Ken33xx

Exactly.

I recall a shrink saying he wondered what his patients would think if they knew how messed his own life was. Or my relative who teaches child psychology at a university yet her two kids are completely screwed up.

A couple of years back a fellow liked to share in meeting how he "let go and let God" direct his life. How he quit his job. Got the albatross off from around his neck. Now works part-time. But what he neglects to share is that his wife has a high paying job and pays the bill.

What I do is think back to where I was when I joined AA and where I am now. My problems are of a quality nature and a direct result of getting sober. And no matter how I spin things my life is much better today.

If others in the rooms profess to be happy, joyous and free. Well, right on with the right on. Let them do their thing and you do yours. Sobriety is not a competition.

I never liked hearing the term winners and losers used in AA.

Are you sober today? Yes.

Then you are on the right track.

Gottalife

Not fitting in, not doing it right? I have a couple of thoughts.

There is a big difference between going to AA and joining AA. Reading the big book (There is a Solution)

"The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism. (my bold)

It is saying the fellowship and past war stories are not enough. Anyone can fluff around on steps 1-3, it is called the 123 waltz. But it is not a good place for someone who is serious about their sobriety. I found myself on the wrong side of step four. A fellowship of lovely friendly people, all wanting to help, and yet I felt I didn't fit, I was very uncomfortable and lonely.

Then I "Joined" AA, action on the solution. That brought me some experiences, especially the fifth, which I then had in common with the recovered folk. I had experienced something of the solution. AA is a pretty boring place when all we have to talk about is the problem, and people get fed up and leave every day.

It is a totally different dynamic to be sharing the solution. We sometimes call it the fellowship of the Spirit, it is roomy, all inclusive, and no one wants to leave that.

paulokes

^ Similar to what Mike says...AA is not a "program" as such. There is a "program of recovery"...the 12 Steps...which lots of folks shy away from, because they don't like the language, the idea, what they think it might mean.

This is the same for everyone who attends a meeting of AA.

Anyone is welcome to attend meetings, make friends, call themselves a member of the fellowship. The route to belonging I think is to throw yourself into the 12 steps of recovery. Then you understand what other folks are talking about...you have had the SAME experience, having done the SAME thing.

P

August252015

Ditto all of this.

I didn't get a sponsor til 97 days. I had done steps 1-3 on my own but we still "started over" and also started the BB from the very beginning. Her help building a strong foundation of study- things I would not have understood on my own as well as daily discipline of study I still follow at 362 days- were invaluable. My current sponsor is more a "spirit of the law" person and we just officially did 6 and 7, though I live (and we live, and discuss and work on), 1-10-12 every day.

Everyone's path (through AA and with other support like a psych, and I have one too) is different, yet there is a reason AA "strongly suggests the use of a sponsor" as part of the process.

Good luck.

Doug39

Hello everybody and thank you for your advice.

I guess I am going to keep attending AA meetings and when I meet someone I feel comfortable with I will see if they will sponsor me.

I have opened up to a psychologist and my psychiatrist since I got sober - it wasn't the exact format of Step 5 but I did let some things out - not sure if that qualifies.