MIRecovery

The steps are in order for a reason. They each build on each other. I know for a fact I wouldn't be where I am without a good sponsor and working the steps their way not my way.

miamifella

I was told that there was a reason why there are no definite instructions in the BB on how to do the steps until you get to step 4.

The self-questioning you are experiencing is the the program. Looking at yourself and examining where you are mentally and spiritually is exactly what you should be doing. Addicts want clear, definitive, black and white answers. But the world is not built that way.

The process you are going through now is practice. Eventually you will be better able to evaluate if you are "doing recovery right." But you will always face situations where it will not be clear if what you are doing is right. Rather than drink or drug over such situations, you will be able to find clarity for yourself as a result of the struggles you face now.

MIRecovery

I believe the key to the steps is honesty. Honesty with yourself and sponsor. For myself this is where a sponsor was so helpful. I was incapable of being honest with myself. I had been lying to myself for so long I believed my own lies. My sponsor would call me on my BS and point out the reality of the situation. Over time I came to see myself as I was not as I preceived myself.

NYCDoglvr

Get a sponsor and call every day, work the steps and keep going to meetings. It's a simple program for complicated people and a sponsor can make all the difference.
Big hug!

sg1970

I thought the same thing at one time about not doing it right. That was over 2 years ago. I still don't know if i'm "doing it right" but I do know that I haven't had any desire to drink in a long freaking time and have that peace and serenity you hear about. For me, the fourth and fifth was when that happened. As someone above mentioned honesty is the key.

Just get in there and do it and keep on trucking.

ItsViolet

Hi Doug, I felt like this too, when I was new in AA. But that was before I understood that once AA members become sober through working the 12 steps, one of the most important things they do to *stay* sober is to help newcomers. This includes working with newcomers one-on-one and taking them through the steps. In AA this is considered an essential part of the program, an essential part of maintaining sobriety.

"Carrying the message to other alcoholics" is even written right into step 12. To freely give to others what has been freely given to us. We help each other. Newcomers help experienced members just as much as experienced members help newcomers. So by asking someone for help, you could help someone too, even if it doesn't seem that way at first.

Why not try working with someone, and see how it goes? It may not be as bad as it might seem

Grungehead

Luckily with the program of AA you aren't graded at the end.

But you do have to put in the effort. Fear of failure (or not doing it right) is part of what kept me from doing the steps for many years and was the cause of 2 major relapses, the 2nd of which nearly killed me. I have always been a procrastinator, and through taking the steps it became clear that a major reason for that was fear. Fear of failure (not doing it right) and fear of what others would think of me if I didn't do it right. In my sick mind I felt the way to solve this issue was to just avoid doing anything, but that just constantly got me into trouble in every aspect of my life.

I really had to fight my instinct to procrastinate this time around when I got to step 4. Luckily I had a great sponsor and he really helped me to get past it and keep moving. The steps aren't something that can be done perfectly nor is there one right way to do them. As long as you do them honestly and thoroughly to the best of your ability you are doing them right.

My suggestion would be to jump into the program with both feet like you would jump into cold water. Just do it! Get a sponsor who will start taking you through the steps as soon as possible and just don't look back. When you get done, if you don't feel you have done them right (highly unlikely) you can always do them again.

Done4today

Good decision to continue Doug. I would suggest that you pick your sponsor one of two different ways. One way would be to pick the salty old timer that is tough to approach, you'll get the most honest 12 step program available to you. Other way I would suggest is to pray and meditate on it and let god guide you. As an alcoholic we tend to over think/analyze/control the situation to take the easier softer way. Good luck and your HP will put the right sponsor in your path.

tomsteve

morning doug! hope youre doing gooder today!
something to think about:
this isn't a race.
its a journey.

zjw

yeah it also seems to be more about the journey then the destination. I'm better off paying close attention to the path in front of me and leaving it at that.

zjw

the old you can only eat a whole elephant one bite at a time saying comes to mind as well.

Doug39

I am. Had a really promising job interview this morning at an excellent successful growing company.

On my way now to an AA meeting.

Centered3

That's great you have been going to meetings and experiencing different types of meetings. Just know that meetings don't keep us sober. It unfortunately doesn't work by osmosis although most of us wish it did. ;-)

Knowledge doesn't get us sober, either. (I wish it did!!) That's good you got phone numbers and met some good people--that's the fellowship part of the recovery piece.

We cannot work the 12 step program without a sponsor. I'm not sure I understand how you're already on your 5th step without a sponsor? Sponsors sponsor people to help them and to help themselves. It's what we do. The 12th step says that we carry this message to others. Our way of giving back what was given to us freely, is to help those who are still sick and suffering. It's not an imposition.

The only way to get a spiritual awakening is to work Steps 1-9 and then keep the spiritual awakening and growing it by living in Steps 10-12 every day.

Please don't quit. Are there sponsor at the Big Book meetings?

I hope my experience/advice was helpful. Keep us posted. You have the willingness and that's a huge step. I'm sure a sponsor would be happy to work with someone with your willingness.

Doug39

Thanks all.

I actually have a guy in mind to be my sponsor. I met him at my Saturday AA meeting and he raised his hand when the chairperson asked who was available to sponsor.

Whodathunk

Doug, first of all Great Job! This is the first time I will have commented without reading any other comments first. So I am sorry if I repeat what has been said.

There is no right or wrong way to AA. You will hear people say "If you don't do this, you won't find inner peace" or whatever it is. You will mostly hear that you have to do the steps and find get a sponsor. Truly, this is an individual choice and there is no successful rule to AA being a success. Think of it this way, conversely; you have probably heard a few stories from those who have RELAPSED, yet they have done the steps and have a sponsor and religiously attend meetings. Sobriety is not easy, or else we would not all be here.

Like you, when I first started going to AA, I felt like I was not doing it right, or that it would just take time. Then, well how damn long will it take? I got a sponsor and started doing the steps. I then thought I was not doing them 'right'. Then the dreaded 5th step, that was a doozy for me. I am a believer in things happening for a reason as I say this next part. I told my sponsor after a meeting that I had completed my fifth step. He said "Great, let's hear it". WTF? We were outside the door of the building on the deck with people coming and going and milling around after the meeting. But like a good AA'er, I started reading my 5th step. My sponsor shortly looked away then said, "Sorry, just couldn't help checking that out (a woman), go on." I was no where near done with it when he stopped me and said he had a business meeting to go to, but to call him later that evening and we could continue. I said okay, went to my car, and felt absolutely splayed up, gutted, vulnerable and horrified that I had just exposed some of my most private things on the deck, was cut off, and left alone like that. I proceeded to go on a bender of all benders. I never contacted my sponsor again, and oddly, he said hi at meetings and asked about getting together to finish my steps. I said I was good.

A month later, I tried another sponsor, who sat me down with 'his rules', when to call and check in, and that this was mandatory. Well, I politely declined.

That was it for sponsors, and that was it for the steps. But I DID keep going to meetings.

For me AA became so so so important as a place to go and listen, to hear others like me, and if nothing else to have a place to go instead of being left to myself alone knowing that drinking was always my go to option at that point. I might share here and there, but after my experience, I simply became a listener, and FOR ME, that was the Right AA for me. I used AA for MY sobriety. It became MY tool.

My way is not the right way, my experience should NOT prevent you from completing your step work, my experience should NOT prevent you from getting or trying a sponsor. Just realize that AA has no rules, simply guidelines set over time through trial and error to be a resource for people to stop drinking. It is not a fix. If it was, you would not hear about the people who are "Doing AA Correctly, but still relapse and can't find that spiritual awakening.

I am simply telling you my story. You will get maybe better advice from others here. My way is not the right way, nor will your experiences be like mine. We are all different. The main thing is to find in AA what works for you, and if what you are doing keeps you from drinking, then you found the miracle. Then it starts again the next day till you build a foundation little by little. It does take time. This is not a quick fix.

But you are doing Great!

I never got that 'rainbow and unicorns' spiritual awaking that I heard and hear about. I think that is a personal thing. I was not a religious person going into my sobriety 6 years ago (also when I started going to AA) but I found spirituality during my sobriety. It is unique to me is all I can say. What I do believe and you have probably heard, is that you can make your God anything you want. You don't even need a God. You just need to find what works for you, and there are many of avenues that AA provides you, which is a true blessing.

I heard at a meeting the other night, an old veteran saying that when he first started AA he had been going, and was so frustrated, he had not found the spiritual part, nor the miracle he had been hearing people talk about. Nor had he experienced the rainbow and unicorns. He thought he was '******* this up', particularly the part about not finding the miracle. His sponsor said "Well, did you drink today?" He said "No". His sponsor said, "Then you are a miracle and you have experienced the miracle, now quit trying to find it, you already found it". And that made sense to him. We all want something tangible to grab onto, to latch onto, to prove to us that we are okay, that things are right. But it is not always that way.

If you find a way to not drink when you otherwise would have, and you can do that for 24 hours, YOU ARE a miracle, and you might find a spiritual awakening in the fact that you have done 4 of the 12 steps, and that you have been in AA for 2 months, and that you have done this without having a 'solid sponsor', and you have been sober for the last hour, or the last 2 months, how ever long it is. Don't beat yourself up, take what you can get, give the meetings time. You are not on a schedule and there is no test to pass, just having the willingness to stop drinking is what AA asks for from you. And this you have proven that you have.

Whodathunk

Doug, I just read that you are 4 Freaking Months Sober!!! That is terrific dude! And it is great that you have a shrink too. In fact, your shrink can be your sponsor. I told my shrink the dilemma I had with my 5th step and my sponsor, and she said "Why don't you do the steps with me?" Well, damn, hadn't thought about that. Plus, in AA, there is no guarantee that 'what you say here stays here' (trust me on that one) so the Dr/Client privilege is very valuable to me. I am a very private person and that confidentiality is very important to me. But I actually at that point had figured out that I did not need someone to do the steps with. The most important thing for me was going to meetings, and 12th stepping as often as possible, like you have for me with your fantastic post today. Thank you!

JudicatorPanzer

It took me way longer than 2 months to even start to understand AA, and to start having a spiritual experience. I kept going, soaked in what I was able, got a sponsor, started working the steps. My experience is that I always am learning more about recovery, AA, and the disease of alcoholism, and it's a continuous effort.

darkling

Hi Doug!
When I first came into AA, I spent alot of time comparing my sobriety and my program to other people's. I highly UN-recommend that. It usually made me feel worthless. Everyone works their own program at their own speed. What works for me may not work for someone else.

I think it's pretty common to feel like an outsider at first. I sure did. What helped me was to start sharing more during meetings, even tho I didn't think I sounded "wise" like everyone else did when they shared. I usually totally lost track of what I wanted to say, tripped over my words and generally felt dumb. But I made myself keep trying so that people could get to know me. If someone said something during the meeting that really struck a chord with me [or that I didn't understand] I'd go up to them after the meeting and tell them that and start a conversation. [This was soooo hard cuz I was the shyest person in the world.]

As far as choosing a sponsor, it's really not an imposition to ask someone! If they're not able to it's up to them to say so. I was asked to sponsor someone once when I was in the middle of a major personal crisis. There's no way I'd have been a good sponsor at that point and I told her that. No big deal.

[And, NOT that it's a very good idea, but I didn't get a sponsor and start working the steps til I was sober for years. Don't tell - really not too proud of that. ]

Keep in mind that a sponsor is not necessarily a long-term commitment. You have to "try each other on for size" before you'll know if you can work together. If not, ask someone else. Again, no big deal. Most sponsors will want to start at step one when the 2 of you first start out. Don't be offended! It'll make sense soon enough.

The spiritual awakening is a gift for working the 12 steps.
It will happen.

Keep up the good work!! Keep coming back!

Doug39

THANKS. I am glad I am not the only one. I try to join the discussion during every meeting and now I bring pen and paper to jot down my thoughts so I can make some sort of sense. It doesn't always work out but it is better than blurting out nonsense and then panicking.

I have struck up conversations with people after meetings and everyone has been willing to talk.

tomsteve

i think there was only 1 or 200 times i felt like a blubbering fool at meetings the 1st year.
the other 30 or so was when i just passed.

its what had to heppen to get to where i was goin.