Starting the Program
 

I finally realized today that I have to start the 12 step program with a sponsor. Nothing else has worked for me.
I had five years sober starting 11 years ago. That was on my own. Then I started drinking again.
Over the last 2 years I have sporadically gone to meetings. I even have stumbled onto a place that has meetings all the time. It's a facility that is just for AA and AlAnon. So they have a pretty strong group that is regular.
So here are my reservations.
First of all I just don't like the big book. The way it's written really puts me off. It really annoys me when people treat it like it's the words of God.
Second, I hate the idea of a sponsor. But I realize now that I can't do this alone so I've got to let others into my life in order to make this change.
I've been in meetings where people talk about working the steps even though they may not know why they are working the steps. they say the steps can work anyway.
So that's what I'm going to do.
I figure I better be honest with my sponsor about my reservations.

It is true the steps can only be properly understood in hindsight. Studying them doesn't do much good, but take the step, have the resulting experience, and then have the understanding. I can see now how the steps worked in my life, but at the time I had no idea of the principles involved, or how it would feel. I simply had no other options, and I trusted the people I met in the fellowship.

Most of us do not like the process, especially on first viewing. Ego smashing, destruction of self centredness, confession of wrong doings, reparations for past mistakes, disciplines around how we live each day... yuk! However, the only other choice was to keep on as I was and that was a short road to hell.

One thing I have found quite remarkable. Many of the steps have attendant promises. I have had these materialise as I have gone along. The more it happens, the more convinced I am that these guys were telling me the truth. Each step leads into the next, so start with step one....

Glad to hear you are making a new effort to help yourself Clearlight. And I think your plan to just be honest and upfront about it with your sponsor is a good thing.

Regarding your reservations, try and remember that there are going to be things that you don't like about ANY recovery method or program. Try and focus on the things that will help you. And try to be open minded enough to at least try things and learn from others.

Recovery for me doesn't mean what I thought it meant, or what I was afraid it meant. If you're stuck right now and feel nothing else is working I wholeheartedly recommend throwing yourself in.

I have been to thousands of meetings of AA and in early days particularly got very involved in reading, understanding and applying the big book...despite hating the language. Today, I ain't no robot and I feel more of a complete and rounded individual than I ever did.

I suppose you can either continue with reservations or trust the folks saying they followed this path and found it useful. Life changing even. I learnt things from working the steps that I couldn't learn from a book...wish that for you too, if you decide that's what you want :)

P

I find the BB writing archaic, male centric and highly religious. All of which I have major reservations about. However, what I've done so far to get sober has not worked, so I figure what do I have to lose by giving it a shot, when it's clearly worked for others.

I'm right there with you. I just joined a large, active women's only group, got a sponsor, starting the steps next week. I think it's natural to have mixed feelings, and I have similar reservations. BUT-when I sit in that room with all those women who report that they don't have perfect lives, but are better, happier, and healthier than ever before-I want that. And while I don't fully understand it either, if the steps helped to get them there, then I'm down.

I achieved a 100% failure rate doing sobriety my way. When I started doing what people in AA with long term sobriety did I got and more importantly stay sober. No one ever said you had to like AA but if you DO AA you are likely to have success.

Fake it until you make it!

Only step you have to do perfect is 1.

I was able to white knuckle days, weeks, months and even years of sobriety but I was just as miserable as I was drinking. AA has given me sobriety and happiness. I am recovered because of the steps that I didn't believe or want to do. Me navigating my life got me drunk, arrested for DUI, verge of losing my job, getting demoted from management, divorced and losing my friends. One of my first AA meetings someone said, you've tried to lead your life for x number of years and look what it got you, give your HP control for 90 days and see what happens.

It's ok to have reservations, I had plenty. But the "gift of desperation" led me to taking suggestions, doing the work and stop judging others. Bravo for realizing you can't do it alone. I wouldn't be alive without the support of other alcoholics.

If you do not like the literature of AA, why not try NA?

You pretty much see the same faces at each and the same principles are followed. However the literature is different.

A lot of people speaking at at meetings say that they chose their primary fellowship based on what literature speaks most to them. That always made sense to me, since meeting format and membership overlap so much.