IsaacT

Exactly a week ago, I hit rock bottom and put everything important to me in jeopardy because of poor decisions and irresponsibility--the mistakes were not related to alcohol but I handled them very heavily with alcohol, which number the pain for a while but ended up making everything worse. I went through some painful withdrawal at the end of it that I would stop things in their tracks by stopping and facing the issues head on instead of running away from them.

I stopped drinking but it didn't fix the aftermath of everything. Not at all. I'm in a foreign country doing a very important post-graduate internship while I apply to medical school. In the last few weeks, I have completely tarnished my reputation and my relationship with my superiors and the people in charge of recommending me.

The anxiety I'm feeling about my future is so unbelievably overwhelming right now. I just want it all to go away for a few hours and to get some sleep. That's all I want right now. But the logical part of my brain (which is pretty shrunken right now) knows that this will just make things harder tomorrow and make prolong my recovery.

I'm looking for any and every reason not to go get drunk right now. Any advice is sincerely appreciated.

ljc267

I know how you feel. The only advice I can give is that it WILL get better in time. Try meditating and breathing techniques. These helped me significantly to reduce anxiety. It won't go away but it will help and will help more and more the more you do it.

Also, what you are feeling is totally normal given the situation. Please keep in mind that drinking will only set you back. I know it is hard, but stay with it. You won't regret it.

I wish you the best.

ScottFromWI

Try this...instead of looking for reasons NOT to get drunk, try and come up with one logical reason to actually get drunk. You've already debunked the main one ( to try and escape ) because you know that the opposite will actually happen. You mentioned that you threw away almost everything a week ago when you drank...are you prepared for the fallout if you did throw everything away? Because once you pick up the first drink, all bets are off and literally anything can happen. And you'll be responsible for all of it even if you didn't intend it to happen.

Coming here is a great first step. You are realizing what most people do when they quit...that the drinking of alcohol istelf ( the physical act ) is merely a symptom of a much larger problem. And learning how to deal with it is the big challenge.

Have you considered seeking out local sobriety groups? You mentioned that you enjoy speaking the native language, and AA is found in just about every corner of the world. And alcoholics have a special language/understanding of each other regardless of the language we speak.

thomas11

It sounds like you are at a critical juncture in your life, and it could go either way. Our decisions define us, you need to do the right thing. A massive mistake can be forgiven, a pattern of irresponsibility is a bit tougher. As Scott said above, what possible "good" outcome could there be getting drunk right now? Probably none, right?

jaynie04

Sobriety is a weird thing in that you start out with the hardest part and it gets easier. Since I couldn't see it for myself I just had to trust everyone here who assured me it would get better...and it did.

The hardest part of not drinking is that by not doing something you are actually doing something huge. I remember reading that if it feels like a warm bath in the sobriety it probably isn't the right choice.

Since you are in med school it might be interesting to read about the power of habit and why it is so difficult change our behavior. There is a physiological shift in which our brain transfers decision making to a different part of the brain after a while in an effort to be more efficient. Your prefrontal cortex is in a battle to wrest back control. We actually have to rely on the part of our brain that we have let atrophy in early sobriety...that is why it is so very hard.

Under the Influence is a great book that discusses the physiology behind addiction and another great book is the Power of Habit. It helped me enormously to understand the concrete mechanisms that were occurring under the surface and it made me feel less out of control in early sobriety. You are in effect rewiring your brain and it is damn uncomfortable early on.

You will be anxious, anxiety never killed anyone. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be able to destress or sleep without booze or meds I would have howled with laughter. I am about 3 1/2 years sober and I am still stunned at the capability of my body to adapt...and it happens quickly.

You are absolutely in the hard part right now. Don't slide back into the well worn groove. I often thought about the Hippocratic Oath in early sobriety..."first do no harm". Just by not drinking you are stopping the process!! You can do it!

Notimetoloose

I am sorry you are in an uncomfortable place, drinking will not help. Inevitably it will cause more anxiety and reduce your ability to cope with your situation.
This is the exact time that we need to be a good friend to ourselves.
You are on the right track with sleep, if possible get some sleep, have a bath, so many challenging problems can feel different after some good sleep and a bath.
Eat something, remember, HALT..Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
Tell your AV to take a hike and you will not be drinking.
You can do this.

ardy

start with the Man in the Mirror.. want make the world a better place.. mmm..
https://youtu.be/mfti8Dx1Qv0

so much hope and love do it kiddo you can I know it...

entropy1964

Reasons not to drink taken directly from your post:

I hit rock bottom
put everything important to me in jeopardy
poor decisions and irresponsibility
painful withdrawal
doing a very important post-graduate internship
completely tarnished my reputation
this will just make things harder tomorrow and prolong my recovery.

So it seems to me you've written a lot of really good reasons not to drink. You are hoping that by drinking your problems will go away, but you've already proven to yourself, 7 days ago, that they will not.

Take drinking off the table. Seek help and support. Here, AA, counseling, church, whatever works. You don't need to do this alone. Through these resources you can learn to deal with the anxiety and stress that you are under in an effective and positive way.

Drinking won't help. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Insanity. Hang in there.

JeffreyAK

Can you sit down and think about where you are with your relationships, and come up with a plan for addressing the problems, instead of drinking? That would be a positive step forward, whereas drinking will be a step backward that will make it that much harder to get through your relationship issues. Coming up with a plan might feel empowering, too, which can be helpful for many people who are feeling powerless to change their situation.

120degrees0ut

Wow U sound like youre on the ball w your schooling and everything! Good for u, man. If i were in your shoes, i wouldnt mess that up for a lousy drunk. dont drink today. i know how u feel, ive thought about alcohol actually non-stop today. but kept myself super busy!! U and me, well both stay sober today...

AdelineRose

Most addicts don't decide to get sober when things are going amazing (of course some do but you get my point). Most of us decide to get sober because something terrible happened, our drinking has finally caught up with us, we are forced to etc. Drinking will only make your problems worse, if you are worried about your reputation and relationship with those above you then the last thing you should do is drink some more. You will need a clear head to work through this and create a plan on the best route.

We have all regretted things we have done to ourselves or others, the last thing you should do is drink .

Gottalife

I guess you know drinking will only make matters worse. I probably can't tell you anything about drinking that you don't already know.

How to stay stopped is what you are asking. I can tell you what i did. Having realised I had a terminal illness and I was near the end, I went to AA, the thing that works best for most, and gave it 100% effort. I haven't had to drink since.

That's not to say I didn't try to find easier ways first. Here is what happened with my recovery group of ten. Two went to AA and are still sober today. Eight of us went off to do it our way. A year later I was at AA, the other seven were all dead. There is a message in there some where.

Mklove

Amazing advice from so many. You will take a setback to recover and get people's trust back to really be able to recommend you but you can earn that trust, and heal your body, relationships at the same time.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcohol is the great undoer.

It will undo everything you've worked hard for and unravel you. Avoid it and think of something tangible you can do for:

A. Your recovery
B. Your schooling
C. Your life

If all else fails, try to get some sleep without alcohol. Melatonin or unisom help me here in the States.

Dee74

How are you feeling now Issac?

D

Dave42001

Don't do it!! There is nothing a drink will do to make your situation better!!

It sounds like you're young and have a great career you're working toward, don't screw it up! Go get some excercise, get lost in a good book or a movie!! I'm very active in AA, there's other support groups out there, get involved! Soberity is all about action!! Get some face to face support, read and post often here!! You can do this!! Make it happen captain!! Wishing you the best!!

melsworld

Hope you're feeling better today, Isaac. I recently put my job on the line with my drinking and was CONVINCED it was all over. After being sober a bit the anxiety eased up and I was able to see things weren't so catastrophic, and could make some reparative steps forward.

Hoping the same for you. Hang in there.

IsaacT

Thanks so much for all of the support, everyone. It's amazing to see all of these replies. Looking back at this post, looking at the tone and seeing all the typos, it's amazing how distressed I was just a few hours ago and how much a few hours of will-power and relaxation can change your outlook.

I was fighting every urge in my body to walk to the store and get a few bottles of wine but instead called several people close to me and sought distraction and support. To be honest, I'm still fighting the urge, but it's slightly less intense now.

Recovery has been a strange process for me so far--I've always considered myself a fairly level-headed person capable of reason. In fact, I saw myself that way up until a few months ago.

It's a scary thing knowing that you can't trust your own brain. The anxiety has been calmly whispering to me, "You're trembibling in fear right now, something to take the edge off right now is totally fine. You wouldn't normally do this if things were going well. Just use it to numb the fear and things will return to normal soon."

A big part of me wants to believe all of this. Only by getting outside perspective am I really able to see how distorted this thought process is.

To those of you who have been sober for a while now: did you ever eventually feel like you could trust your own brain again? Did you ever feel like the reasonable part of you took over again?

Dee74

I didn't believe I ever could trust my brain again Issac...

but around 3 months in, it was like someone pulled the curtains back and I remembered a me I'd forgotten....and with that came a confidence in my own feelings and decision making.

I still make mistakes in life of course but that's generally when I'm not listening to my gut - and I never make the mistake of thinking that drinking is viable for me.

IsaacT

I've heard similar things about the three month mark. I've also heard that about two-four weeks in, more clarity starts to show up and the cravings decrease.

But how do you handle yourself / life during this 1-3 month period while you're waiting for clarity? I wish I could just put everything on hold until I feel clear again, but--as I'm sure is the case for EVERYONE in recovery--I have things that are important to me that I want to maintain and be my best self for: relationships, school, work.

Sometimes I even convince myself of something along the lines of, "maybe this isn't the best time to get sober--it's too much of an obstacle when you have other things to set your sights on."

Reading that out loud, I realize how absurd it sounds, but somehow I can't help but let that thought creep in now and then.