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halfalife 02-12-2017 12:52 PM

Forgotten how to live
 
Woke up last Thursday dizzy and sick like I had done for thousands of days over the course of years past. No amount of coffee, water, crackers, or distractions could quell the sourness in my stomach. In years prior, I could finish off a bottle of red and likely most of a second and wake up without much ill affect. I am more tired than I can ever remember. The fatigue and malaise are very noticeable. Despite the hilarity of a strict diet of mostly lean meat and vegetables, the poison I have been feeding myself has taken its toll. My face is dehydrated and haggard. I somehow manage to get 10-12 miles in on a treadmill 4 days a week, but I can sense I am running on fumes and my body will not tolerate it for much longer. Truth be told, I am not certain how my body has been able to withstand the abuse. I wonder who else can see it in my eyes.

My anxiety, general dislike of myself and preferred isolation have grown to a state I could have never imagined for myself at 39 years old.

For almost four days I have not had a drop. I have woken up on too many Saturdays and Sundays sick and I wanted to see what a weekend felt like hydrated and semi-rested…it’s been so long that I can’t remember. I have had some telltale warning signs from my body that the abuse has taken me down a new road, and I am amazed and disgusted with myself for continuing to go back. Knowing full well that if I continue down this road….today might be the best I ever feel, because it only gets worse from here.

For the past few years during the day, I had been getting by. Professionally, I put up the best façade I can muster. I am present, no sick days…mostly engaged in my duties, but I now perform at about 60 mph versus the 100 mph that I was accustomed to over the last decade. Everything in my life feels difficult in ways it hasn't before. I am irritable and closed off to people, and despite a loneliness I cannot describe in words, I prefer being and drinking alone.

My drinking is heavy and only during the evening. I would estimate a bottle+ of red nightly for a year, add in a significant number of days and liters of vodka and a couple of months on high ABV craft beer. About a decade ago, I would binge from time to time on a weekend, rarely drank throughout the week, but beginning October of 2014…it changed completely and went full tilt off a cliff.

The source of this 2+ year nightly binge was a divorce with laden with infidelity (on his side) and heartbreak like I have never known. Most women struggle with some type of self-esteem issue, but this event was so significant that it took every bit of light out of me. The anger, rage, disgust, disappointment, grief, sadness…I couldn’t be comforted by anyone, and trust me I tried. There are many shameful nights that I can barely recall how I survived and others that I could just wish I could forget.

Something kept telling me that he had the affairs because I just wasn’t enough of a partner or wife…no matter how fit, how successful, how nurturing, how ambitious and driven I was, how much I would invest in our relationship….something about ‘me’ was just not worthy enough to hold onto. So that voice became a new truth for me and I tried to numb it away and hide by drinking. I tried to hide from the idea that I was unworthy of love. I isolated because I assumed if I was not a good partner or wife, then surely I was unworthy of letting people know me.

I am ashamed of who I have become.

I have no hobbies. I go to work, go to the gym, isolate…and drink. I cook for myself, but it’s moot. Half the time any effort at healthy nutrition is being countered by liters and liters of red wine or vodka.

I don’t laugh like I used to. It’s hollow, sad and cynical.

Bruises have shown up with no recollection of how they were put there…a few I wish I didn’t know the source of.

I mostly assume others are selfish and will sacrifice the well-being of others to satisfy their needs.

I have lost hope that things will improve much as I feel like maybe I have broken myself beyond compare. Spiritually, mentally and physically. I am 39 year old female, no children, angry, hopeless and disappointed, distant, a drunk, used up, many many shameful mistakes after the divorce. There was me before….and the me now.

I have cut off all, but a few of friends. Partly due to shame in who I have become, partly in resentment that they didn’t see I was struggling (because I was good at pretending at the beginning) and none tried to help. Since moving across country for a new assignment in 2015, I spend all but my work hours alone and the close few friends I do have I never see. Makes it easy to pretend I am okay.

I’d rather drag my broken foot and crawl to a hospital than ask anyone for help.

For the time being, I might seem from the outside to be put together. No one knows what a f*cked mess of a human being I have become at night all alone. I know eventually I won't be able to sustain it.

I am missing a time in my life where I felt inspired, hopeful, invigorated and motivated to accomplish things that are fulfilling to me.

Thursday morning was filled with hopelessness knowing that this will in fact kill me if I let it. So far my attempts at stopping are four days long with relapses in between.

So incredibly disappointed in myself for becoming this person.

mm1741 02-12-2017 01:03 PM

Hi halfalife. I wanted to welcome you and tell you that you are in the right place. Your self awareness is very evident, and that gives you a head start on making a better life for yourself.
There are so many people here who know your pain. I am one of them. There is a way out. Please stick around, keep posting, and keep reading.

SnazzyDresser 02-12-2017 01:26 PM

Beautifully written post, halfalife. I can identify with so many points you made.

entropy1964 02-12-2017 01:30 PM

Welcome half. So glad you're here. You will find your are not alone in your feelings or your experiences.

I had to face that no matter what life threw at me, it was not an excuse to kill myself slowly with alcohol. I have to face my challenges head on, without booze. And I needed help to do that. A plan for my recovery. Learning to live life without alcohol, to grow spiritually, is a discipline. Like eating well and working out.

Congrats on four days. You can do this and you can feel better. But the solution is not in a bottle.....as you've seen. Hang in there.

MariahGayle 02-12-2017 01:47 PM

You have come to a great place for encouragement & support in not drinking. Many here have felt just as you are feeling now & now Free from the chains of alcohol.


I am missing a time in my life where I felt inspired, hopeful, invigorated and motivated to accomplish things that are fulfilling to me.
There is absolute hope that you can have this again! Be kind to yourself

Berrybean 02-12-2017 01:50 PM

Yes. I'd forgotten how to live as well. And certainly had no ideas on 'Living Sober'. Luckily I found my way to AA somehow after about a month no drinking and going increasing mad and feeling increasingly desperate. When I was without strength or hope, the people in the fellowship gave me some of theirs. It wasn't a kind of love that I recognised (platonic and unconditional ), but now I see that is what they gave me. I suppose they loved me until I could learn to love myself, and are always on hand for the days where I forget how to do so now as well.

You know, thing can and will get better if you reach out and let others who have walked this path before you help. I will have 3 years sober on March 5th this year. I still can't believe how different it is to be me now. I'm one grateful alcoholic.

Take care. Wishing you all the best for your continued sobriety and recovery. BB

Algorithm 02-12-2017 02:33 PM


Originally Posted by halfalife (Post 6330913)
I have lost hope that things will improve much as I feel like maybe I have broken myself beyond compare. Spiritually, mentally and physically. I am 39 year old female, no children, angry, hopeless and disappointed, distant, a drunk, used up, many many shameful mistakes after the divorce. There was me before….and the me now.

Don't believe this, halfalife. Just do not believe it, or you will probably become something that you cannot fathom even at this stage. It's the alcohol amplifying your pain, deepening your depression, and keeping you alone and stuck.

Two to three years in the pits is not much in the grand scheme of life, and you can absolutely reverse this, but you need to quit drinking and have some faith that things will improve if you do.

Do not listen to that voice that says you are not worth it, that nothing is worth it, so you may as well drink. You still have a job, and you can still jog 12 miles. That's plenty of material to work with, and you are self-aware as well.


Originally Posted by halfalife (Post 6330913)
I’d rather drag my broken foot and crawl to a hospital than ask anyone for help.

I can understand not wanting to ask anyone for help and preferring to do things yourself, but you will need to do something.

Rational Recovery offers a method of self-recovery, known as AVRT, that is completely private. You can learn the skill yourself, and then put it to use.

AVRT is set forth fully in the following book:
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction by Jack Trimpey
There is also a free crash course on AVRT at the Rational Recovery web site, and some good threads about AVRT in the secular connections forum, which I highly recommend as a supplement to the crash course.

At the very least, get rid of the alcohol supply.

You can beat this thing.

growpath 02-12-2017 02:39 PM

I think you are RIGHT where you belong halfalife. Stick around and welcome!!!

FarToGo 02-12-2017 02:42 PM

Ok, a very painful place, but as has already mentioned, incredible self awareness. Use this, you'll be needing it.
Start with staying sober and get this as your focus. Other stuff, grieving your marriage, finding out who you are now, self esteem....... All will be faced so much more effectively without the booze.
Lots of luck to you.
Xx

waynetheking 02-12-2017 03:06 PM

Welcome halfalife to SR. I'm wayne.
You're post brings back a lot of memories. Alcoholism robs us of everything. Eventually our lives. It creates this illusion of dependence that's just sickening. It's a deadly insidious progressive disease. The only way you can escape the grips of alcoholism is to stop drinking. You can do this one day at a time. You don't have to live this way. You can end the nightmare right now. For good. Get busy, get a plan. Stick with it, and don't drink. The one thing that I can promise you is that life is better without alcohol. Ask anyone here. You're life will improve by not drinking.

Stay with us. We're here for ya. Thank you for your post, thank you for sharing your story. Give sobriety a chance. You're life depends on it.

Dee74 02-12-2017 03:22 PM

I really identify with much of your post halfalife...my body was no longer coping well with the massive ingestion of alcohol, and neither was my mind - I look twenty years older than I was and my eyes that were once so clear were now red and watery.

I had no idea how sober people lived anymore.

Fast forward ten years and I'm healthy and happy and fully engaged in a fun and active life.

It all started with a day one...and regular involvement in this community.

If I can do it, you can too :)

D

halfalife 02-12-2017 05:26 PM

I needed a way to get this out this morning, I have been reading on SR nightly for days...not knowing that a handful of people on here would take the time to respond.

I appreciate your kindness, support and suggestions. I hope I am in a place where I can pay the same meaningful advice and encouragement forward to someone someday.

fini 02-12-2017 06:58 PM

in a way, halfalife, you're in the best spot to change direction.

i had become that person, too, and then....when i couldn't STAND being that person anymore, i took some actions.
reading lots and posting on a forum and going to a secular meeting were the initial actions.

good to see you reach out.

PhoenixJ 02-12-2017 07:18 PM

Hello HAL. I get it. The loneliness, the emptiness- the sadness of what once was- or could have been...
There is hope. You want that- why else post. A brave thing to do- to reach out for support. Well, you have it. Hard work- you show through your narrative you can do that. Put that hard work that drinking takes- into getting your life back. I will not go into my sordid past- it is documented well enough else where at SR. But go and see a doctor- get a physical. Share/post here. Collect info so you can make informed choices. Go to an AA meeting- it is 'anonymous, just listen'. SMART is very good for every day strategies. I do both. See a therapist if you can - I do. Try something different outside your comfort zone that is different and safe. For me- it is art- as my avatar (such as it is) shows. Join the Class of Feb 2017 thread. Keep posting, there is life here- for me, for you. You are not alone. Keep posting.
My thoughts and support sent to you across the waves. PJ.

Done4today 02-12-2017 10:17 PM

halfalife,

Thank you for posting. Your story parallels mine. There is hope and a solution. A lot of good advice has been shared so I will just say that you are in my prayers. Good luck and post here before you drink. Tons of support here from many people that have been where you are.

AlaskaGirl 02-12-2017 11:03 PM

Welcome halfalife,

As others have said, beautifully written post. I get it. Every line. My Ex had a long term affair with my best friend. Made me believe I was worthless as well as crazy.

It can get better (it absolutely did for me). Please keep posting. The people here are wonderful.

Gottalife 02-13-2017 06:04 AM

Hi Halfalife. I relate to your name. I came to AA with no life and gottalife, with bells on. My journey in recovery started from the same point of hopelessness. It seems that was where I had to be to be open to a spiritual solution, which is what AA offers.

When all things human have failed, and the situation is still getting worse, what is left? Some kind of god maybe? I needed something more than human aid, but I was only willing to look for that when all my human resources had proved inadequate. After all, if your own power was adequate, why would you need a greater power?

ScottFromWI 02-13-2017 06:26 AM


Originally Posted by halfalife (Post 6331169)
I hope I am in a place where I can pay the same meaningful advice and encouragement forward to someone someday.

You are and I'm certain you will someday. Your presence here alone is an important part of all of our recovery. We learn from those with long time sobriety, and we learn from those not even sober yet. The most important thing is that we are all here and we all understand why we are here.

RecklessEric 02-14-2017 02:41 AM

Halfalife, what an amazing opening post.
The interesting thing to me is how alone and desperate you feel.
Booze made most of us feel that way.

It was a terribly beautiful way of soothing the pain we experience but quickly becomes an insidious source of pain itself; a pain which can be soothed by... more drink. So on and on it goes.

But we can never move on from the pain life throws at us while we mask it with alcohol. I often wish I could drink like others who can say, "Oh I'm so upset, I need a drink". And they have a few drinks and then get on with addressing their issues.
But I can't do that.

But I've learned to deal with things. Not always well and my attempts at sobriety have not always worked, but I think I'm getting there.
And you are so right- I have felt at times like I'm relearning how to handle aspects of life.

There are many tools available to help with sobriety, the one I found helped me most was cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You'll also find much wisdom and support on this site.
I wish you well.

HTown 02-14-2017 06:08 PM

You sound a lot like me. Just about a year ago. You have nowhere to go but up. Put the alcohol away and watch yourself bloom again into life. It is so much better! I promise.


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