Forgotten how to live
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Colorado
Posts: 202
My opinion: You're making the first step in the journey to recovery by admitting to a group of people you have a problem with alcohol. Your honesty is a great step toward recovery as well! I relate to so much of what you said. I thought I was hopeless and would die drunk, but now I cannot imagine taking a drink for anything. If I can do it you can do it, and it sounds like you're willing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
I have reread most of your responses a few times and I want to thank everyone for setting time aside to respond. Sober since Thursday of last week…this week tested my will, but the desire to wake up not hungover so far has won against any temptation I feel. I know I will be fighting harder for myself than I have likely fought for anything.
I have went to the gym for the last four nights and I have very little gas in the tank. Despite that, I tried to push hard because it’s the only other thing I have that I view as a daily victory for myself. I eat well, I am hydrated, but I feel fatigued as if I am dragging sandbags around from my ankles.
I am not sleeping well, never have, but in the past couple of months it’s been worse. Lots of tossing and turning and waking up at 4 am. Unsure if this is an indication of my body resetting itself.
This week I am faced with the raw emotions and knowledge that the one crutch I had to rely on to numb the loneliness and disappointment now no longer serves me.
I knew that I was moving from 1-1.5 bottles a day into the 2 bottle territory and felt certain that within a year those limits would even be pushed.
Before, almost instinctively a bad day equaled a bottle and a half. When I began that habit, it seemed innocuous at the time and it never occurred to me that I could be taken by it and that eventually it would take the lead in my life.
I know that drinking myself through a personal crisis is the worst decision I have made for myself in a long time.
It teaches you to agree with every awful thought you have for yourself and then in time, you have compounded that shame with poor decisions to confirm the beliefs.
It teaches you to question your worthiness and what you have to offer in the world as your world narrows over time…my wagons are drawn as tightly around me as I could control.
Lots of triggers of shame today at work…retirement ceremony for a peer.
My triggers are emotion, guilt, shame and esteem based. I never have to look far for a good reason to drink the fear and anxiety away. Confirmation bias teaches you to pay attention to the things that confirm what you already believe…my brain is now wired that way and I am fighting daily to ‘rewire’ it.
There are some very brave and courageous people on SR…strength that someone who hasn’t experienced the battle can’t put into words. I hope I find myself where you all are at some point.
I have a long weekend to get through, all of a sudden today, 9 days after not drinking, I feel heavy hearted, scared and alone today.
Thank you all again for your kindness over the last week.
I have went to the gym for the last four nights and I have very little gas in the tank. Despite that, I tried to push hard because it’s the only other thing I have that I view as a daily victory for myself. I eat well, I am hydrated, but I feel fatigued as if I am dragging sandbags around from my ankles.
I am not sleeping well, never have, but in the past couple of months it’s been worse. Lots of tossing and turning and waking up at 4 am. Unsure if this is an indication of my body resetting itself.
This week I am faced with the raw emotions and knowledge that the one crutch I had to rely on to numb the loneliness and disappointment now no longer serves me.
I knew that I was moving from 1-1.5 bottles a day into the 2 bottle territory and felt certain that within a year those limits would even be pushed.
Before, almost instinctively a bad day equaled a bottle and a half. When I began that habit, it seemed innocuous at the time and it never occurred to me that I could be taken by it and that eventually it would take the lead in my life.
I know that drinking myself through a personal crisis is the worst decision I have made for myself in a long time.
It teaches you to agree with every awful thought you have for yourself and then in time, you have compounded that shame with poor decisions to confirm the beliefs.
It teaches you to question your worthiness and what you have to offer in the world as your world narrows over time…my wagons are drawn as tightly around me as I could control.
Lots of triggers of shame today at work…retirement ceremony for a peer.
My triggers are emotion, guilt, shame and esteem based. I never have to look far for a good reason to drink the fear and anxiety away. Confirmation bias teaches you to pay attention to the things that confirm what you already believe…my brain is now wired that way and I am fighting daily to ‘rewire’ it.
There are some very brave and courageous people on SR…strength that someone who hasn’t experienced the battle can’t put into words. I hope I find myself where you all are at some point.
I have a long weekend to get through, all of a sudden today, 9 days after not drinking, I feel heavy hearted, scared and alone today.
Thank you all again for your kindness over the last week.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
Not alone, Halfalife.
I've found solace and a friendly word on this site at 4am on many occasions.
The chat room is also a great resource.
Feelings are going to be raw for a while.
Considering you are feeling them full force and without booze taking the edge off them.
But feelings won't hurt you.
I have found myself in early sobriety feeling both happy and sad simultaneously.
Keep up the good fight, you're doing great.
I've found solace and a friendly word on this site at 4am on many occasions.
The chat room is also a great resource.
Feelings are going to be raw for a while.
Considering you are feeling them full force and without booze taking the edge off them.
But feelings won't hurt you.
I have found myself in early sobriety feeling both happy and sad simultaneously.
Keep up the good fight, you're doing great.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
I don't struggle during the week, because I am busy and work keeps me distracted and then by the time I am home from the gym I have only hours to go until bedtime (which I used to fill with drinking until late hours).
The weekends are hardest, its very noticeable that my phone doesn't ring and it's just me against the world. I am aware that I emanate a certain vibe that keeps my life solitary and I am very cautious about who I share myself with now (which makes SR easier for me I suppose).
The isolation is comforting and painful all at once.
The weekends are hardest, its very noticeable that my phone doesn't ring and it's just me against the world. I am aware that I emanate a certain vibe that keeps my life solitary and I am very cautious about who I share myself with now (which makes SR easier for me I suppose).
The isolation is comforting and painful all at once.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by halfalife 
This week I am faced with the raw emotions and knowledge that the one crutch I had to rely on to numb the loneliness and disappointment now no longer serves me.
Remove the option of all such crutches, including any other non-prescribed hedonic drugs. Some people will try and find a replacement for the one that stopped working so well, making arbitrary distinctions between their "drug of choice" and other drugs.
They usually end up worse for wear.
Originally Posted by halfalife
I know that drinking myself through a personal crisis is the worst decision I have made for myself in a long time.
One of the side effects of removing the old solution is that you will be forced to consider getting legitimate help for legitimate problems, if you need it, instead of getting drunk.
Of course, more than one has gotten help for alcohol induced depression and anxiety while still drinking. This usually does not work, and often the addiction actually gets worse.
Your world may have narrowed, as it does for most who become addicted, but with that old standby solution off the table, it can expand again. You mentioned feeling isolated at home -- a pet can sometimes help with that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
I have a career that does not allow use of recreational drugs whatsoever; consequence would be termination, garnishment of pay, no severance and or option to retire. So, that kept my choice of numbing to strictly alcohol.
I realized a few days in after a bad day that it was just me and however I felt about it...I didn't have anything to run to. I have relied on routines and rituals and hot showers so far. I have woke up every day since I have abstained and have decided to just not drink for that day and tried to find one reason to focus on in that day of why I was grateful to have made that choice.
And, yes...I have an old lady cat who has been by my side for 16 years of moves all over the country.
I realized a few days in after a bad day that it was just me and however I felt about it...I didn't have anything to run to. I have relied on routines and rituals and hot showers so far. I have woke up every day since I have abstained and have decided to just not drink for that day and tried to find one reason to focus on in that day of why I was grateful to have made that choice.
And, yes...I have an old lady cat who has been by my side for 16 years of moves all over the country.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
...Ironically, I have held caregiver positions throughout the course of my career and can offer sound advice to others on being resilient and working through crisis and trauma. I would never say to others the things I have told myself.
Then there's me...who knowingly and willingly have chosen to implement none of them in my own life. Sobriety right now is very difficult because of how I see myself and no way to escape.
Then there's me...who knowingly and willingly have chosen to implement none of them in my own life. Sobriety right now is very difficult because of how I see myself and no way to escape.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
My self-esteem was very low at first. I was so guilty about my behaviour, ashamed of myself. I told my late wife I was a loser. I meant it.
I do not feel like a loser anymore. The negative self-talk is gone. The beating myself up is over. I can not tell you how proud I am inside. All of this is due to not drinking. All of this self-love and new confidence gained by giving up so little in hindsite. Good luck
I do not feel like a loser anymore. The negative self-talk is gone. The beating myself up is over. I can not tell you how proud I am inside. All of this is due to not drinking. All of this self-love and new confidence gained by giving up so little in hindsite. Good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
halfalife,
your "just me against the world" really jumped out at me.
i used to feel like that, quite often. embattled. always on defence, which soften i masked by offence.
feeling that way seemed a realistic assessment of how things were. turned out, in hindsight, that my perspective had been quite skewed!
as an attitude, it didn't serve me well.
there is no need for me against the world, as the world is not against me.
your "just me against the world" really jumped out at me.
i used to feel like that, quite often. embattled. always on defence, which soften i masked by offence.
feeling that way seemed a realistic assessment of how things were. turned out, in hindsight, that my perspective had been quite skewed!
as an attitude, it didn't serve me well.
there is no need for me against the world, as the world is not against me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 46
Heya halfalife,
thanks for sharing your story, I can relate to a lot of what you're going through emotionally, it's not an easy road we travel in early sobriety (2 weeks sober myself). I just wanted to say I believe in you & that you can stop the drinking and also that you're not alone. I am here with you and I hope you're feeling some better things and making some kinder choices for yourself soon.
thanks for sharing your story, I can relate to a lot of what you're going through emotionally, it's not an easy road we travel in early sobriety (2 weeks sober myself). I just wanted to say I believe in you & that you can stop the drinking and also that you're not alone. I am here with you and I hope you're feeling some better things and making some kinder choices for yourself soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by halfalife
Woke up last Thursday dizzy and sick like I had done for thousands of days over the course of years past. No amount of coffee, water, crackers, or distractions could quell the sourness in my stomach. In years prior, I could finish off a bottle of red and likely most of a second and wake up without much ill affect. I am more tired than I can ever remember. The fatigue and malaise are very noticeable. Despite the hilarity of a strict diet of mostly lean meat and vegetables, the poison I have been feeding myself has taken its toll. My face is dehydrated and haggard. I somehow manage to get 10-12 miles in on a treadmill 4 days a week, but I can sense I am running on fumes and my body will not tolerate it for much longer. Truth be told, I am not certain how my body has been able to withstand the abuse. I wonder who else can see it in my eyes.
My anxiety, general dislike of myself and preferred isolation have grown to a state I could have never imagined for myself at 39 years old.
For almost four days I have not had a drop. I have woken up on too many Saturdays and Sundays sick and I wanted to see what a weekend felt like hydrated and semi-rested…it’s been so long that I can’t remember. I have had some telltale warning signs from my body that the abuse has taken me down a new road, and I am amazed and disgusted with myself for continuing to go back. Knowing full well that if I continue down this road….today might be the best I ever feel, because it only gets worse from here.
For the past few years during the day, I had been getting by. Professionally, I put up the best façade I can muster. I am present, no sick days…mostly engaged in my duties, but I now perform at about 60 mph versus the 100 mph that I was accustomed to over the last decade. Everything in my life feels difficult in ways it hasn't before. I am irritable and closed off to people, and despite a loneliness I cannot describe in words, I prefer being and drinking alone.
My drinking is heavy and only during the evening. .
My anxiety, general dislike of myself and preferred isolation have grown to a state I could have never imagined for myself at 39 years old.
For almost four days I have not had a drop. I have woken up on too many Saturdays and Sundays sick and I wanted to see what a weekend felt like hydrated and semi-rested…it’s been so long that I can’t remember. I have had some telltale warning signs from my body that the abuse has taken me down a new road, and I am amazed and disgusted with myself for continuing to go back. Knowing full well that if I continue down this road….today might be the best I ever feel, because it only gets worse from here.
For the past few years during the day, I had been getting by. Professionally, I put up the best façade I can muster. I am present, no sick days…mostly engaged in my duties, but I now perform at about 60 mph versus the 100 mph that I was accustomed to over the last decade. Everything in my life feels difficult in ways it hasn't before. I am irritable and closed off to people, and despite a loneliness I cannot describe in words, I prefer being and drinking alone.
My drinking is heavy and only during the evening. .
The body simply can't bounce back from a night of heavy drinking as one gets older.
The last few years of my drinking I was always feeling run down, burned out and that affected my outlook. I certainly wasn't very happy or content.
But after getting sober I began to feel better physically. Not so rundown all the time and my outlook started to change as well
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Welcome
This sounds like me at end. I worked, I drank. There was nothing else. I had driven away everyone because let's face it, people who care about you screw up your drinking. I sunk to 3 states. Either i was drinking, recovering from drinking, or thinking about when I could drink again.
Finally I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went to a doctor, got professional treatment, and started going to AA everyday, got a sponsor and worked the steps.
That was 7.5 years ago and today I have a life better than I could have imagined
This sounds like me at end. I worked, I drank. There was nothing else. I had driven away everyone because let's face it, people who care about you screw up your drinking. I sunk to 3 states. Either i was drinking, recovering from drinking, or thinking about when I could drink again.
Finally I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went to a doctor, got professional treatment, and started going to AA everyday, got a sponsor and worked the steps.
That was 7.5 years ago and today I have a life better than I could have imagined
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 12
Hi there-I'm 37 and just getting sober, with a day or 2 less than you, even. I'm also going through a very nasty divorce, initiated by my husband and the grief and stress are what pushed me over the edge-after a lifetime of problem drinking, admittedly. Pm me if you ever want to talk, are bored, sad, or lonely, whatever-I get it. You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: surrey United Kingdom
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by halfalife
Woke up last Thursday dizzy and sick like I had done for thousands of days over the course of years past. No amount of coffee, water, crackers, or distractions could quell the sourness in my stomach. In years prior, I could finish off a bottle of red and likely most of a second and wake up without much ill affect. I am more tired than I can ever remember. The fatigue and malaise are very noticeable. Despite the hilarity of a strict diet of mostly lean meat and vegetables, the poison I have been feeding myself has taken its toll. My face is dehydrated and haggard. I somehow manage to get 10-12 miles in on a treadmill 4 days a week, but I can sense I am running on fumes and my body will not tolerate it for much longer. Truth be told, I am not certain how my body has been able to withstand the abuse. I wonder who else can see it in my eyes.
My anxiety, general dislike of myself and preferred isolation have grown to a state I could have never imagined for myself at 39 years old.
For almost four days I have not had a drop. I have woken up on too many Saturdays and Sundays sick and I wanted to see what a weekend felt like hydrated and semi-rested…it’s been so long that I can’t remember. I have had some telltale warning signs from my body that the abuse has taken me down a new road, and I am amazed and disgusted with myself for continuing to go back. Knowing full well that if I continue down this road….today might be the best I ever feel, because it only gets worse from here.
For the past few years during the day, I had been getting by. Professionally, I put up the best façade I can muster. I am present, no sick days…mostly engaged in my duties, but I now perform at about 60 mph versus the 100 mph that I was accustomed to over the last decade. Everything in my life feels difficult in ways it hasn't before. I am irritable and closed off to people, and despite a loneliness I cannot describe in words, I prefer being and drinking alone.
My drinking is heavy and only during the evening. I would estimate a bottle+ of red nightly for a year, add in a significant number of days and liters of vodka and a couple of months on high ABV craft beer. About a decade ago, I would binge from time to time on a weekend, rarely drank throughout the week, but beginning October of 2014…it changed completely and went full tilt off a cliff.
The source of this 2+ year nightly binge was a divorce with laden with infidelity (on his side) and heartbreak like I have never known. Most women struggle with some type of self-esteem issue, but this event was so significant that it took every bit of light out of me. The anger, rage, disgust, disappointment, grief, sadness…I couldn’t be comforted by anyone, and trust me I tried. There are many shameful nights that I can barely recall how I survived and others that I could just wish I could forget.
Something kept telling me that he had the affairs because I just wasn’t enough of a partner or wife…no matter how fit, how successful, how nurturing, how ambitious and driven I was, how much I would invest in our relationship….something about ‘me’ was just not worthy enough to hold onto. So that voice became a new truth for me and I tried to numb it away and hide by drinking. I tried to hide from the idea that I was unworthy of love. I isolated because I assumed if I was not a good partner or wife, then surely I was unworthy of letting people know me.
I am ashamed of who I have become.
I have no hobbies. I go to work, go to the gym, isolate…and drink. I cook for myself, but it’s moot. Half the time any effort at healthy nutrition is being countered by liters and liters of red wine or vodka.
I don’t laugh like I used to. It’s hollow, sad and cynical.
Bruises have shown up with no recollection of how they were put there…a few I wish I didn’t know the source of.
I mostly assume others are selfish and will sacrifice the well-being of others to satisfy their needs.
I have lost hope that things will improve much as I feel like maybe I have broken myself beyond compare. Spiritually, mentally and physically. I am 39 year old female, no children, angry, hopeless and disappointed, distant, a drunk, used up, many many shameful mistakes after the divorce. There was me before….and the me now.
I have cut off all, but a few of friends. Partly due to shame in who I have become, partly in resentment that they didn’t see I was struggling (because I was good at pretending at the beginning) and none tried to help. Since moving across country for a new assignment in 2015, I spend all but my work hours alone and the close few friends I do have I never see. Makes it easy to pretend I am okay.
I’d rather drag my broken foot and crawl to a hospital than ask anyone for help.
For the time being, I might seem from the outside to be put together. No one knows what a f*cked mess of a human being I have become at night all alone. I know eventually I won't be able to sustain it.
I am missing a time in my life where I felt inspired, hopeful, invigorated and motivated to accomplish things that are fulfilling to me.
Thursday morning was filled with hopelessness knowing that this will in fact kill me if I let it. So far my attempts at stopping are four days long with relapses in between.
So incredibly disappointed in myself for becoming this person.
My anxiety, general dislike of myself and preferred isolation have grown to a state I could have never imagined for myself at 39 years old.
For almost four days I have not had a drop. I have woken up on too many Saturdays and Sundays sick and I wanted to see what a weekend felt like hydrated and semi-rested…it’s been so long that I can’t remember. I have had some telltale warning signs from my body that the abuse has taken me down a new road, and I am amazed and disgusted with myself for continuing to go back. Knowing full well that if I continue down this road….today might be the best I ever feel, because it only gets worse from here.
For the past few years during the day, I had been getting by. Professionally, I put up the best façade I can muster. I am present, no sick days…mostly engaged in my duties, but I now perform at about 60 mph versus the 100 mph that I was accustomed to over the last decade. Everything in my life feels difficult in ways it hasn't before. I am irritable and closed off to people, and despite a loneliness I cannot describe in words, I prefer being and drinking alone.
My drinking is heavy and only during the evening. I would estimate a bottle+ of red nightly for a year, add in a significant number of days and liters of vodka and a couple of months on high ABV craft beer. About a decade ago, I would binge from time to time on a weekend, rarely drank throughout the week, but beginning October of 2014…it changed completely and went full tilt off a cliff.
The source of this 2+ year nightly binge was a divorce with laden with infidelity (on his side) and heartbreak like I have never known. Most women struggle with some type of self-esteem issue, but this event was so significant that it took every bit of light out of me. The anger, rage, disgust, disappointment, grief, sadness…I couldn’t be comforted by anyone, and trust me I tried. There are many shameful nights that I can barely recall how I survived and others that I could just wish I could forget.
Something kept telling me that he had the affairs because I just wasn’t enough of a partner or wife…no matter how fit, how successful, how nurturing, how ambitious and driven I was, how much I would invest in our relationship….something about ‘me’ was just not worthy enough to hold onto. So that voice became a new truth for me and I tried to numb it away and hide by drinking. I tried to hide from the idea that I was unworthy of love. I isolated because I assumed if I was not a good partner or wife, then surely I was unworthy of letting people know me.
I am ashamed of who I have become.
I have no hobbies. I go to work, go to the gym, isolate…and drink. I cook for myself, but it’s moot. Half the time any effort at healthy nutrition is being countered by liters and liters of red wine or vodka.
I don’t laugh like I used to. It’s hollow, sad and cynical.
Bruises have shown up with no recollection of how they were put there…a few I wish I didn’t know the source of.
I mostly assume others are selfish and will sacrifice the well-being of others to satisfy their needs.
I have lost hope that things will improve much as I feel like maybe I have broken myself beyond compare. Spiritually, mentally and physically. I am 39 year old female, no children, angry, hopeless and disappointed, distant, a drunk, used up, many many shameful mistakes after the divorce. There was me before….and the me now.
I have cut off all, but a few of friends. Partly due to shame in who I have become, partly in resentment that they didn’t see I was struggling (because I was good at pretending at the beginning) and none tried to help. Since moving across country for a new assignment in 2015, I spend all but my work hours alone and the close few friends I do have I never see. Makes it easy to pretend I am okay.
I’d rather drag my broken foot and crawl to a hospital than ask anyone for help.
For the time being, I might seem from the outside to be put together. No one knows what a f*cked mess of a human being I have become at night all alone. I know eventually I won't be able to sustain it.
I am missing a time in my life where I felt inspired, hopeful, invigorated and motivated to accomplish things that are fulfilling to me.
Thursday morning was filled with hopelessness knowing that this will in fact kill me if I let it. So far my attempts at stopping are four days long with relapses in between.
So incredibly disappointed in myself for becoming this person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 104
Made it to another sober Sunday morning. I can't remember a Saturday night that I have been in bed without finishing a bottle of wine by 10 pm in sometime...and now I have made it through 2 Saturday nights.
I wake 5 or 6 (earlier than normal) with melatonin fatigue and cravings for some reason. I am hoping my energy levels rise soon. I have been making an effort to balance the coffee and hydration to not overcompensate.
Your posts and responses have helped. I read posts of those who have made it through 2 months, 1 year, 1 decade and can try to imagine the work it takes to get to that point. Inspired....
I wake 5 or 6 (earlier than normal) with melatonin fatigue and cravings for some reason. I am hoping my energy levels rise soon. I have been making an effort to balance the coffee and hydration to not overcompensate.
Your posts and responses have helped. I read posts of those who have made it through 2 months, 1 year, 1 decade and can try to imagine the work it takes to get to that point. Inspired....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 551
Halfalife, I can so relate to all your posts, they way you captured everything was very moving. I was exactly where you were last April I am now coming up to a year and I can tell you with all complete honesty that life really does get better. I am in love with my life now.Back when I decided to stop like you are now I was lost and lonely. So I related so much to what you have said, the broken relationship, the internal dialogue etc. I send you lots of positive support and energy, each day it will improve. Bel
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