Good Times Bad Times
 

Brief history - today I am 106 days sober after 27 years of daily drinking.

Started having severe panic attacks last October, couldn't make it to work, went on a 3 month leave of absence for anxiety and depression.

I am on anxiety medication, been going to AA meetings almost daily, started night school - being seeing a lot of improvement in my mental health.

Yesterday was one of the most stressful days since I got sober. I went back to work, it was tough but I made it through the day. I then had my first exam at night school and I got an excellent grade on it.

Needless to say even those I was mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day I was proud of myself and on an emotional high.

Today I woke up groggy, anxious and depressed. I couldn't make it in to work and now I am sitting home ashamed, anxious and feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I am letting my wife down, my coworkers down and myself down.

I have no motivation to do anything. I am wondering if since yesterday was such a good day I am feeling down today because I am now back to my boring routine of going to a job everyday that I hate. It is as if I am almost back to square one.

I know I am still early in my recovery and I will experience many ups and downs but these downs are hard to get through.

Thanks for listening.

Sorry you are having a bad day doug. You are doing all the right things and should be commended for your efforts. Having said that, we all have bad days...sometimes really bad ones. That's simply part of life and while it's hard to get used to they just happen sometimes. It's OK to feel bad too - sometimes we just do. What's vitally important though is how we react - and you are doing the right thing by coming here to seek help. Going to meetings and getting out to see other people will help too. I hope today gets better!

Good for you for your sobriety, Doug. It's a tough one. Some days just aren't fun, especially this time of year. This may sound really dumb, but when I am not feeling that perky, I look at flower and seed catalogs and plan my planting for spring. I planted a bunch of frilly tulips last fall, and I am looking forward to seeing them in spring. Thinking about this cheers me immensely. Do you have something like that?

Look at this way. You had a fantastic, stellar, awesome day yesterday. Today, you are having a bit of a down day. BUT, if you wake up tomorrow with 107 days of sobriety, today will still be a good (not a great, but a good) day, because you will have once again proven to yourself that you don't need alcohol even on off days. Chin up. Fight on.

Hey Doug.
Well done for yesterday.
Personally, I found that coming to terms with stuff that is neither great nor terrible difficult.
You say your job is boring, but everybody's job becomes boring at some point.
Life is generally lived somewhere between good and bad, the kind of grey area.
And I have come to terms with that. Non-eventful is ok.

And don't forget- you can start your day again at any point.

Good luck Doug.

Doug I have good news. Your down days will get easier. As time goes on We see things more clear. The stress is easier to deal with. Just don't drink. These down days is your price of admission to sobriety. We all pay it. It gets easier Doug. For me it took about 9 months to smooth out.
Stay the course Doug, it's worth it. Trust me.

Hi Doug

When we're feeling anxious and under stress, it's really hard to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Your bigger picture looks like this: you're 106 days sober, after more than 2 decades of drinking; you've been getting yourself to AA meetings almost every day for the last 3 months; you're feeling much better mentally; you got back to work; you did really well on an exam.

That's a positive picture. And it was self- directed action that has got you there.

You've missed a day of work. OK. Don't start picking the eyes out of your situation and leave yourself wondering if it's going to be a permanent problem - look at the bigger picture of all you've achieved the last 3 months.

I think it's your anxiety talking and getting you down. The same thing happens to me and I have to actively use self-talk to get myself out of the minutiae of the moment, and see the bigger - and much better - picture.

Your life is looking up. One bad day is not going to cause a change in direction!

Thanks all for your replies.

After a few days of being in a funk I am feeling better.

I guess going bad to work just triggered some old anxieties- I was hungover every single day during the 8+ years I worked at my current job. I had severe panic the last few days I worked last October and I felt like that again on Monday when I went back there.

My workplace is a very negative, depressing atmosphere full of miserable people - most of them have been doing the same boring job for 30+ years. We have been really slow the last few years, nobody has gotten a raise in years, and everybody worries about getting laid off. Moral is at an all time low.

I still haven't been back to work since I was there last Monday- my boss told me to take all the time I need to get better - we are so slow at work they can easily get along without me.

We all have bad days. I had some days early on where I was too anxious to really function. Give yourself permission to just veg out. Don't beat yourself up over it. This is normal.

Getting sober means for me facing life as it really is. Not how I want it to be. Life can be hard, boring- not rewarding. I do not have any spiritual awakenings- although I respect those who do. All I know is anything- the low- lows of life as well as (hopefully) the rewards, are better faced and greeted without alcohol. Alcohol for me created the world as a lie- like a movie that has finished- and I have just walked into the real day. The movie was Walt Disney- kiddie innocent at first and turned into a horror film.
Mind- my moods- are tainted with depression and anxiety because of many reasons that also take support and careful monitoring of A-Depressants to manage.

Thanks for posting this Doug39. I sure can relate! I'm 241 days in after a 20+ year drinking binge. I have also felt very down the past couple of days but I do believe that even though this is no fun at all, it IS normal to have a myriad of emotions early on, even with the help of medication. We're trying to learn how to be human beings again after 20+ years of self-neglect and it's just going to take a while. No way around it, or over it, we just have to go through it.

Work is a big depression/anxiety trigger for me too. I was a little ashamed of myself when my brother called me yesterday to tell me about his day - he is a police officer and the other night he literally watched a friend of the family that he's known for years die, right in front of his eyes, they were not able to save her. She was only 37 years old. I couldn't even begin to imagine having a workday like that. And that's just one day in my brother's life you know? So then I try to keep things in perspective and calm myself down at work but as you probably know, it is very hard when your emotions and brain chemistry seem to be working against you.

I'm not trying throw any hocus pocus at you or anything like that, but you might find this interesting...in addition to me feeling off all week, I also noticed my dogs have been acting weird, a little more agitated and withdrawn than normal. My friend at work said yesterday that her pets have also been acting strange the last few days, and between the two of us we discovered that there has in fact been a full moon this week, and tonight is not only a full moon, but also a penumbral lunar eclipse, and there is apparently a comet coming through as well. Maybe this could also be behind some of the edginess this week? Who's to say....I like to think so, in order to convince myself that I'll feel a little better in a couple days when the full moon is gone...and maybe you will too :)

I do hope things start to look up for you Doug because you've really accomplished a lot and should be feeling very good about yourself. It is possible you may need to find a new job because quite frankly, it does sound like a depressing environment, but for now maybe just try to relax - eat some good food, call a friend, watch a good movie, maybe go outside later and look at the moon! ;)

There's quite a lots of posts in his vein at the mo... mine included, maybe it is the moon and it's shenanigans!
Works tough if you've changed and it's not... what can u change there... your mug? Your outfit? The paint, the biscuits, the music. .. anything???

sounds like your a bit depressed.

I struggled and stills truggle with work related issues. I started to look elsewhere to get my sense of reward and accomplishment good vibes it took a while but for me I realized that I was not going to get that from my job and to stop looking to it for that. Since I couldnt just change jobs I looked elsewhere at other things i could do with myself to give me that rewarding thing.

One thing that worked for me was to find someting i was good at no matter how dumb or mundane but just keep doing it over and over it made me feel liek i was worth a lick and made some of the depression type stuff a hair better.

There is one guy in AA said he started baking cookies. it helped with the anxiety and boredom / depression and people always smiled when he gave them free cookies etc.. I went through the cookie baking phase too kinda stupid i guess but whateer works.

I know a lot of people say it is hogwash but I believe the full moons can affect moods of humans and animals.

The place is a lost cause.

The business started in 1969 and they still have that ancient factory mentality. Their are people that have worked there since the 1980's and they are stuck in that frame of mind.

I have tried my best to change things and cope but that whole scene is awful.