pawsgal

I've been in (and out) of that meeting for years now, so not much surprises me. I thought it was a bit different that the chosen meeting focus was "mental illness." The chair person opened by strongly encouraging the discussion to remain focused on alcoholism and recovery. He encouraged people to seek out qualified therapists, as AA is not qualified to handle certain other problems people may have. OK, fine, no real issue with that I thought. The first person who shared then identified himself as and addict/alcoholic with mental pathologies...then proceeded to outline certain areas of the book that discussed grave mental disorders, etc. I could see the cross-talk was about to erupt, and the guy who was sharing did so with rapid speech and a defensive tone. Maybe I just revealed my immature side, but I didn't want or need to see where that meeting was headed. So I got up and left.

Maudcat

Sometimes the meetings can get a little strange. Hopefully, all will be well when you return.

BrendaChenowyth

Not at all. I think you did the right thing. I walk away from or avoid conversations that I can sense are going to devolve in to negativity. They can cause you stress even if you are not involved in them and that's not good for you.

fini

don't know if you're able or willing, but sometimes leading by example is something i can offer.

Dave42001

I've done before, not a lot but I've done it, no biggie.. keep going back!!

August252015

I've left meetings where I was uncomfortable to the point that I couldn't shift my mind back to try to learn something, or where I knew I was likely to try to "jump in" and it would not be following good sharing/ESH/etc guidelines.

Not a big deal- and, quite possibly, the best decision for YOU. Not every meeting I attend is about giving to others, if I am honest.

heartcore

We go to meetings to feel support, to gain other perspectives, to grow. I have been to meetings that filled me with inspiration. I have been to meetings where I am horribly disturbed or triggered by some shares. Sometimes, I have had the courage to walk out. Sometimes, I have stayed - frozen to my seat with discomfort. Sometimes, I have stayed past the really yucchy stuff & someone else has spoken up & turned it around.

I love meetings, & sometimes hate them. Sometimes meetings help me feel part of a vital community, sometimes they help me feel absolutely different and separate.

Having attended a vast amount of meetings through decades, I have learned that my sobriety has to encompass a far wider variety of tools than just AA/NA meetings. I also hold my community here at SoberRecovery as significant, my work community, my yoga community. I need to have places & communities that support my sobriety when I feel overwhelmed by the dynamics of 12 step meetings, or I will walk out & find myself alone.

Recently, I found a very integral member of my NA home group on the Sexual Predator List as a pedophile. (Those lists are published on the Internet in the US, don't know about other countries).

This brought up a lot of stuff for me. I was sexually abused as a child and have strong feelings about it. I have hugged this guy many times at meetings, held his hand during the circle at the end. He had felt like a kind sobriety "uncle" to me. I have never gone back to that particular meeting because I cannot bear to sit beside him in that small room, knowing...

We have to weave a wide net to support our sobriety. Humans will disappoint us. We need to have support in many directions.

heartcore

Ps. I don't have any idea how to deal with the above pedophile in my home group issue. Probably should have started a thread, but had no idea how upset I was until I just wrote about it here. I feel like I lost my homegroup. Is there any other graceful way to deal with it besides retreat?

Done4today

I have walked out of meetings for various reasons. Thinking back to the few that I have left early the common reason was the outside issue talk. I am a real alcoholic and I never did any dry goods. I can sympathize with their addiction but I can't relate to their stories. Their stories actually get my AV to tell me "see booze never made you do this or that". that scares me and my defense is to run. So I leave and head to the next meeting I can find. Luckily, I live in a city with hundreds of meetings a week.

tomsteve

and ya coulda missed something ya needed to hear.

tomsteve

it seems it would be very upsetting. I think finding a new HG is a good idea. I don't think its possible to remove a person with a criminal record of any kind from a meeting. if that was the case, there wouldn't be too many people at some meetings.
so seems it would be best to find a new HG.
have you talked to your sponsor or prayed on it?

Mountainmanbob

I have left many meetings early possibly too many maybe I missed out on something sometimes I just want to go outside smoke a cigar and enjoy talking with someone outside of the meeting.

We call it the meeting after the meeting.

M-Bob

heartcore

Tomsteve - no, I didn't mean removal (because you're right - NA rooms across the world would be empty, with spiderwebs growing across the empty metal folding chairs - lol).

I meant more of a perspective shift. Or should I talk privately with him & tell him it makes me uncomfortable so I'll never sit near him again. No. That's not a great idea.

I think fleeing is my only option for now. It's just sad because I put a fair amount of energy & love into that group. I've started going to an all-womens meeting & will probably make that my home group. SR is really my true "home group."

Also, I did tell my sponsor. She's from that group too, & now she's creeped out by him (she has children), so that actually spread the discomfort.

My most spiritual answer is that the rooms are for us all & I'd rather that pedophiles & rapists & murderers & racists & misogonists & child abusers work a program & grow than sit home alone being creepy & scary...
Still, I don't get exposure to dangerous people like that in my work/family/friend life - all the people I know that I find scary came from the rooms of AA & NA - lol. Wait, is that funny?
Still a believer in the efficacy & power of the program though. Just sometimes the personalities are quite a challenge.

darkling

Please start a new thread on this?

I know there's gonna be good suggestions on how to handle situations where you're seriously uncomfortable [no matter why] and it's own thread would reach so many more people. This is definitely a topic I could've used some input on throughout my time in recovery!

FWIW, I'm much more comfortable with convicted murders [and one's a good friend] than I am with sex offenders.

LadyBlue0527

pawsgal, you did what you needed to do. I've witnessed some hostility in a meeting before too. I stayed only because I would have had to pass right in front of the guy yelling in order to get out the door but it was uncomfortable staying. Thankfully, that's a rare occurrence. Don't let it dissuade you from returning but if it occurs again maybe talk to the meeting facilitator? I'm sure it makes others uncomfortable too.

I also wanted to address the issue with finding out that a pedophile is at a meeting. The last I knew we use first names when we're introducing ourselves? Is someone passing around this person's past as gossip? Don't get me wrong, I was also sexually abused as a child so we are on the same page there. But, I go to meetings to better myself and not to pay attention to other people's history. Jeese, to think that anyone would be laying out some of the things I've done for all to see. Can you even imagine if all our past shortcomings were on the table to be discussed amongst other members?

If you really love this group I would just recommend staying away from him.

sg1970

No matter how spiritual I am or will ever be, I don't think I could treat a pedophile equally to others once I knew their history. Nor a rapist or serial murderer or wife abuser. To some extent I will always judge and judgement is a form of self protection.

And while AA is anonymous and people use first names, at the same time people do get to know each other. And with the sex registries and mugshot postings on the internet nothing that bad is a secret and it is that way for a reason. People get put on sex offenders registries so that other people can be aware and protect themselves and others they love.

I could see how being a sex abuse victim would lead me to find a different homegroup. I would recommend letting your gut and heart guide you on this one Heartcore.

Jojay

Hi.Have a private chat with your home group leader.Hand this over to the group organisers etc to deal with.

tomsteve

personally i wouldn't look at the action as fleeing. more like doing whats right for you.

NYCDoglvr

I think you should take some tolerance lessons. It's principles before personalities and maybe someone had to talk about their mental health issues to stay sober today. In 25years I can't tell you the number of people I couldn't stand and meetings that were a bust. So I find another meeting.

OddOneIn

Not all meetings are good meetings. I see no reason to stay someplace where I am uncomfortable in the slim hope I will benefit.