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At today's AA meeting PART 2

Old 01-15-2017, 05:45 PM
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At today's AA meeting PART 2

I will keep the details brief. As some of you know I am 83 days sober and just started AA a few weeks ago.

At today's AA meeting I spoke up about how my wife's daily drinking bothers me. Someone told me I should try Alanon. Another guy gave me a phone number of a guy that could sponsor me cause he is going through a similar situation with his wife.

When I got home my wife was gone - even though she was drinking all day she went to the bar - just to **** me off cause she hates me going to AA. She thinks I trash talk her and that I am looking for other women.

I told her I go to AA to help myself; and I lied about talking about her tonight. Threatened by my association with AA, she told me she is not going to put up with me going. It was a flashback of my childhood when my father was drunk and threatening my mother cause she was in Alanon. She quit Alanon back then and I have decided to quit AA.

I have looked into maybe checking out Alanon but odds of me actually going is slim.
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Old 01-15-2017, 06:32 PM
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Gosh Doug, 83 days is wonderful, Congratulations.
I am sorry your wife isn't happy, a lot of people can get defensive when make our self improvements, it can hold a mirror up to their own behaviour.
It can threatens them and the denial.. perhaps!
The thing is, quitting drinking isn't just a self improvement it is 'life saving'.
If you like AA and you appear to be making connections and progress, it could be a step backwards to leave.
Have you tried asked her to come along and support you, see how the group works, no strings!... let her know how badly the alcohol was affecting your health.
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Old 01-15-2017, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Notimetoloose View Post
Gosh Doug, 83 days is wonderful, Congratulations.
I am sorry your wife isn't happy, a lot of people can get defensive when make our self improvements, it can hold a mirror up to their own behaviour.
It can threatens them and the denial.. perhaps!
The thing is, quitting drinking isn't just a self improvement it is 'life saving'.
If you like AA and you appear to be making connections and progress, it could be a step backwards to leave.
Have you tried asked her to come along and support you, see how the group works, no strings!... let her know how badly the alcohol was affecting your health.
I have asked my wife to come to AA.

She feels she doesn't have a "serious" problem. She also feels that AA is a bunch of losers; her sister has been going to AA for years and uses it to find men. Her sister has gotten herself hooked up with all losers who have ripped her off, helped her relapse and get her in jail.

I am just tired of working hard to better myself and my wife telling me I am wrong for doing so.
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Old 01-15-2017, 06:55 PM
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What do you think would happen if you drew a line and said, "No, as long as I feel that I'm getting valuable support from this group, I will keep going."? Sounds like she does have a serious problem that will only get worse, whether or not you do what she wants you to do in order to shore up her own denial. There may be no good outcome, other than she stops drinking, no matter what you do.
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Old 01-15-2017, 06:56 PM
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I wonder if she is threatened by AA or by the fact that you are no longer drinking. Perhaps she is making AA a scapegoat for her fears. If she is actually threatened by your efforts at self improvement, what does the future hold?
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Old 01-15-2017, 07:01 PM
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I would have very little tolerance for your wife not supporting you. You are doing something to better your life in every way. How can one not support that?
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Old 01-15-2017, 07:01 PM
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Doug,
seems to me that if you leave AA because of what she says and thinks and imagines, you are actually giving her opinion credence. In effect telling her yeah, you're right, and so i won't go anymore.
what is she using to back up the " i won't put up with you going....." threat and why is tat working?
would it be too far out there to suggest that not going anymore is the easier softer way?
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Old 01-15-2017, 07:03 PM
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I would personally keep going as it seems that AA has been a big help for you. If your wife is unsupportive, then I think she's going to have to deal with it as you have to do what's right for your own sobriety.
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Old 01-15-2017, 08:04 PM
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Doug,

I wouldn't discount her feelings entirely, since she does have some exposure to AA. Since no one has suggested the obvious, has it occurred to you to reassure your wife that you will not use AA to find other women, and that you will not try to lever her into AA?
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Old 01-15-2017, 08:19 PM
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I think you may have misread that Algothrim. Doug39 said that his wife's sister has experience with AA, not his wife herself.

I'm 100% in agreement with fini on this issue.
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Old 01-15-2017, 08:25 PM
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OK, awuh1, but even if she is simply getting her information from her sister, wouldn't doing what I suggested possibly solve Doug's problem?

I don't see anything here saying she objects to Doug not drinking, and he said in another thread that she wanted him to go to a private counselor.
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Old 01-16-2017, 02:54 AM
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Is AA threatening to your wife because of her misconceptions? Or is this about you getting better while she isn't able to confront her own issues with alcohol?

Either reason shouldn't prevent you from going, IMO.
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Old 01-16-2017, 04:13 AM
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thank you all for the comments.

My wife is upset with me going to AA because she is unhappy with me changing.

She told me she enjoyed our lifestyle of drinking together and now she has to drink alone while I go off and live a sober life.

She told me I could go to AA when she is not around and as long as it doesn't interfere with our time together.

Bottom line she is threatened by my sobriety because she knows she has an alcohol problem and she fears facing life sober. I was there myself.

I am going to stop going to AA for now. This is becoming a repeat of 2013 when I stopped drinking for 4 months. That time I started drinking again to save our marriage but I am not going down that road again.
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Old 01-16-2017, 04:30 AM
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Doug, I understand. If you have made up your mind to quit AA for your marriage , how about looking at other forms of recovery.
Support is a wonderful help for our sobriety and for me very important.
RR (Rational recovery), AVRT, there is more info available in the secular section of this site...SR is great and also SMART meetings if available in your area.
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Old 01-16-2017, 05:10 AM
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Hi Doug

My late husband didn't like me going to AA either. Not worth getting into the tangled web of that reasoning.

Point is, it was a tangled web. In order for our marriage to work I would have had to untangle, with his help, that web. No matter what.

What about counseling for you and your wife? Dropping out of AA is another band-aide for you and your wife. Just like drinking. Its all dodging the real issue, IMO.
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Old 01-16-2017, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
What about counseling for you and your wife?

We tried marriage counseling several years ago and it didn't work. We would just go out and get drunk after an appointment and talk about what a quack we thought the doctor was.

My wife is so anti-counseling, against support groups, or any form of self-help. She believes a person should just keep their feeling in and deal with things alone.

My wife has seen hard times (she took care of dying mother as a teenager, her first husband died when she was 22, etc) so she used these things as an excuse to drink.

Our daughter has anxiety issues and our daughter's therapist wanted us to do family counseling and it was like pulling teeth to get my wife to attend.

She is dead set in her beliefs.
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Old 01-16-2017, 06:43 AM
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I understand. Well I hate to see you give up something you are getting some benefit from. You must feel very alone with your wife. That isn't right. But only you can decide what's right for you. I don't envy your situation. But as you know, there is no 'reason' to drink. That's just the addiction talking.
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Old 01-16-2017, 06:44 AM
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"Threatened by my association with AA, she told me she is not going to put up with me going."
"She told me I could go to AA when she is not around and as long as it doesn't interfere with our time together."

i was like her,too, in that i didn't have relationships- i took hostages and set a ransom.
you don't have to allow yourself to be a hostage any more, but if you do this:
I am going to stop going to AA for now
youre playing right into what she wants- you met her ransom and now a new ransom will be set.
it seems pretty common for alcoholics to have codependency issues,too, and something great for me was the friends and family forum here. it helped me learn about me AND how and why i have to set boundaries.

ya have some hard stuff youre going through, doug, and its good to read ya facing them head on and learning how to live life on lifes terms.
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Old 01-16-2017, 07:11 AM
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Another issue is that my wife wants to show me that just because I choose to quit alcohol she is still going to exercise her freedom to do what she wants.

The bad thing about this is she will drink even more. The more I go to AA, the more she will drink just to irritate me and show me I will never control her.

It is a messed up situation.
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Doug39 View Post

The bad thing about this is she will drink even more. The more I go to AA, the more she will drink just to irritate me and show me I will never control her.

It is a messed up situation.
something common with quite a few alcoholics when we have a resentment towards someone:
"ill show you by hurting myself."

are you trying to control her?
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