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At today's AA meeting PART 2

Old 01-16-2017, 08:22 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
something common with quite a few alcoholics when we have a resentment towards someone:
"ill show you by hurting myself."

are you trying to control her?
No not at all.

But in her mind she sees me changing to a sober lifestyle as an indication that I will eventually find another women or just leave her. She even said that we met in a bar and always drank together and that is our life - and I am the one messing it up by sobering up.
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Old 01-16-2017, 09:14 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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"she is threatened by my sobriety"......bingo.
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Old 01-16-2017, 09:33 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I hope ya visit the friends and family forum here and start a thread with whats going on. you'll get a lot of good suggestions on solutions.
im pretty sure one of the suggestions will be the book "codependent no more."

you didn't cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it
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Old 01-16-2017, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Doug39 View Post
My wife is upset with me going to AA because she is unhappy with me changing.
Just as I suspected.

Originally Posted by Doug39 View Post
She told me I could go to AA when she is not around and as long as it doesn't interfere with our time together.
So much for her fears about you and other women in AA. It's ok for you to go when she is NOT around? lol

Originally Posted by Doug39 View Post
The more I go to AA, the more she will drink just to irritate me and show me I will never control her.
Doug I think it's important to make it clear to her that this is not about control but about doing the right thing. Your RECOVERY is what's at issue. It's important to make this clear to her. She is seeking to control your behavior, and it's likely just a matter of time before she applies more pressure (in the form of stressful circumstances?) to get you to drink and co-sign her denial.

I predict that there will be a time when your daughter will thank you for the difficult decisions you need to make. Children understand these things better than we often give them credit for. Ultimately only you can decide what is the right thing to do.
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Old 01-16-2017, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Doug39 View Post
No not at all.

But in her mind she sees me changing to a sober lifestyle as an indication that I will eventually find another women or just leave her. She even said that we met in a bar and always drank together and that is our life - and I am the one messing it up by sobering up.
So is she going to continuously nag you if you choose sobriety? Is she going to get drunk and start arguments?

Either learn to "turn it over" as they say in AA or consider seeing a marriage counselor on your own.
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Old 01-16-2017, 05:43 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
 
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Doug, your wife is admitting, and not denying, that she intends to keep on drinking for now. Awuh1 is correct in that she may try to undermine your new lifestyle, if she prefers a drinking partner, however.

Your level of tolerance regarding her drinking is up to you, but I would suggest not entangling your own recovery with hers. This often ends up as mutual assured destruction, rather than as mutual support.

Perhaps she may re-consider if she sees that you are doing well.
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Old 01-16-2017, 06:03 PM
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Again thank you all for your comments.

I have a lot going on the next few weeks so I am going to stop attending AA meetings for awhile.

I am feeling good about my sobriety and have no intention to start drinking again.
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Old 01-16-2017, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Doug39 View Post
Again thank you all for your comments.

I have a lot going on the next few weeks so I am going to stop attending AA meetings for awhile.

I am feeling good about my sobriety and have no intention to start drinking again.

Hope it all works out.
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:29 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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well, she is right, Doug, your sobriety IS messing with y our previous togetherness- in-drunkenness lifestyle.
she sees only a loss to what she thought you both signed up for. she hadn't considered the possibility of change.
or the desire for it.
or the possibilities for joy in it.

keep going on with your sober journey.
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Old 01-16-2017, 10:28 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Lots of prayers Doug. Keep strong and fight for your sobriety. Your life, your daughter's life and your wife's life will benefit from it. Good luck and stay close.
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Old 01-16-2017, 10:39 PM
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No question that it's a delicate and difficult situation to be in Doug, and glad you have no plans on continuing drinking.

In your initial post you mentioned you were given the number of someone who could sponsor you, who is going through the same thing with his wife. I'd suggest holding onto that number. Taking a break from AA doesn't mean you can't call someone in AA dealing with the same thing if things get worse at home or if you get temptations to go back to drinking eventually.
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Old 01-17-2017, 05:32 PM
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I would divorce her immediately. If she can't support your pursuit in sobriety, then that to me is a huge issue. Sobriety has to be the number one priority, or everything else will melt away and lead back to the drink.
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Old 01-17-2017, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by SolidKarma View Post
I would divorce her immediately. If she can't support your pursuit in sobriety, then that to me is a huge issue. Sobriety has to be the number one priority, or everything else will melt away and lead back to the drink.

I wouldn`t allow myself to stay in such a relationship either. But it`s his life and over the years I`ve learned when it comes to marriage people are going to do what they are going to do.

Perhaps seeking marriage counseling on his own might be helpful.
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Old 01-17-2017, 09:51 PM
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This is scary stuff. I worked with an alcoholic in the same situation a few years back. Another older member made prediction of how it would work out. He was exactly right. One died, then the other could and did get sober. It was the man who died and the woman who got sober.
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Old 01-17-2017, 09:55 PM
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We talked about our significant others in one of my threads and they were/are shockingly similar. Only difference was my not being married. I had to end things with mine, as she was becoming obviously threatened by my sobriety and 'our time together', not being drunk at a bar. I can relate so much to what you're going through and wish you the best. I'm sure my now EXAGF has been blackout drunk every night since our split. I just couldn't do it anymore out of fear I'd go right back to the same crap. I feel a lot better about my future without her too.
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