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Came close to drinking today.

Old 01-14-2017, 04:06 PM
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Came close to drinking today.

I don't know what it is, but my mood has been bleak the past few days. I came the closest to drinking today so far in my recovery. Even to the point where I was planning how I would do it without getting found out. But I used the tools in my toolbox and came out the other side of the worst of the craving.

I have a feeling this has something to do with the fact that I've started working on my 4th step. I always thought I was such a chill person...live and let live, blahblahblah. But MAN, I have a lot of resentments that I've been burying with alcohol for decades.

I just had a text argument with my (sorta) girlfriend. Other than attending an AA meeting together last weekend, she doesn't want to spend time with me. She says she's worried that we'll fall back into old habits if we spend time together, and she knows how she would feel if we did (she still loves me). I hate this ambiguity, and I feel this is a real test for me to learn the hard lesson of acceptance. But gosh, I miss her.

So thanks for letting me vent, SR. AA meeting is in an hour, so I'll be heading out soon.
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Old 01-14-2017, 04:10 PM
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Glad you didn't drink shortstop and good on you to come here and talk it through. No problem is as bad as the problems you'll have if you drink, right?
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Old 01-14-2017, 04:17 PM
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Each time you defeat that dragon, you'll get stronger. After a while you won't have anymore thoughts of drinking.
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Old 01-14-2017, 04:19 PM
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Glad you had your 'toolbox'! Glad you didn't drink!
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Old 01-14-2017, 04:22 PM
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I'm glad you got through shortstop - I hear step 4 is pretty harrowing for a lot of folks but sounds like you're doing well

D
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Old 01-14-2017, 05:01 PM
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I come close to drinking everyday. For the most part I'm good. But when that wave of feeling like **** shows up on occasion, that little voice in the back of my head says, "Oh how that drink will make all the pain go away". But I know what that drink means. I'll keep drinking and my wife will never come back. So, I call someone in my support group and just talk to them. Eventually the wave passes and I go back to staying busy.
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Old 01-14-2017, 05:22 PM
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It's great that you didn't, that's what matters.
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Old 01-14-2017, 05:27 PM
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I'm happy you didn't drink, shortstop. It never gives us the comfort we think it will & usually backfires. Nothing worse than letting ourselves down and having to start all over. I hope the meeting was valuable. Better days lie ahead.
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Old 01-14-2017, 07:02 PM
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Phew, made it through the day! Thanks my friends.

My meeting was good - it was a member's 10 year medallion. Although inspiring, it's hard to fathom getting to that point at this stage of my recovery.

I was thinking of a metaphor to try explain how my cravings have felt the past few weeks. So, imagine you're doing a polar swim and you've submerged your half naked body into icy water. Now imagine how freezing cold it is, the water like icy needles jabbing into your raw skin. How long can you hold it until you leap from the water yelling 'I GIVE' before running to the nearest hot sauna for relief?
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Old 01-14-2017, 09:05 PM
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I found it easy to say I'll stop drinking but when it came to do it I was dumbfounded at how much free time I have being sober.

I realized I was always drinking whenever I wasn't at work.

I thought about the isolation of drinking alone, how I've lost friends, made messes in my room, wasted money, let my health slide. It really feels like these are things I'm going to have to initially remind myself of while new to recovery.
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Old 01-15-2017, 05:39 AM
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Originally Posted by shortstop81 View Post
Phew, made it through the day! Thanks my friends.

My meeting was good - it was a member's 10 year medallion. Although inspiring, it's hard to fathom getting to that point at this stage of my recovery.

I was thinking of a metaphor to try explain how my cravings have felt the past few weeks. So, imagine you're doing a polar swim and you've submerged your half naked body into icy water. Now imagine how freezing cold it is, the water like icy needles jabbing into your raw skin. How long can you hold it until you leap from the water yelling 'I GIVE' before running to the nearest hot sauna for relief?
Shortstop
For the first time in my sobriety I had a close call yesterday.
I realize that when the stress builds up I could blow a fuse which I did yesterday I screamed at my husband......" I'm going to drink Im going to ****** drink" I was shaking and I was thinking how all these problems I was dealing with would melt away in my head with that first drink. The thing is they would still be there when I sober up......I didn't drink and the AV went away in about a half hour it was pretty strong I beat with a stick.
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Old 01-15-2017, 06:30 AM
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Swtpea - I'm glad you didn't drink! I've heard the term 'building your sober muscles.' I bet right now we're both bench pressing 500lbs.

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Old 01-15-2017, 11:00 AM
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Great to hear you are into step four. We seem to get a bit of grace around that step. What used to trip me up was more around step 10. 4 is dealing with the past, up to the day we stop drinking. 10 deals with the now. Just stopping drinking didn't change my way of operating in the world. I still had an alcoholic mind and as a result made many mistakes post stopping that put me in conflict with others both externally and internally. Step 10, cleaning up any new mistakes as I went along, saved my life.

The books suggestions around step ten are that we commence this way of living AS we clean up the past (4-9) not after. And it is so much easier to fix it now than let it fester and grow.
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