I binged my way through the Holidays
 

It's hard for me to believe I started coming to SR in 2010. I wish I was able to make a real commitment to sobriety back then. It would have saved me a lot of pain.

I've spent the years between then and now desperately trying to control my drinking. That didn't work out so well for me. A month or two sober here and there. Some time moderating in a way I convinced myself was "manageable". I went from a daily drinker to a binger.

Between Thanksgiving and New Years this past year I had at least 4 weekends of extremely dangerous binges. Starting Friday night and ending when the liquor ran out, usually on Sunday afternoon. It was vile.

I have come back to this forum over and over. I have read a lot of the sticky threads. I am here to tell you all I have finally committed to never drink again. Not a drop of wine at dinner. Not a sip of champagne at a wedding.

My addiction will destroy me if I don't take back my power. My failure before was my lack of willingness to admit to myself or others I can never drink again. I understand that now. I feel very free, but also nervous about digging deep into the issues I have been masking with alcohol.

Day seven. I'm going to try not to count except to be aware of milestones that may be accompanied by increased PAWS symptoms.

I do have a plan. It starts with never drinking again and never changing my mind.

Bless all of you who post here. You are helping even when you don't know.

Welcome back AlaskaGirl. I'm glad you've made the decision to make this time stick. How can we help?

You all help just by being on these boards.

I'm feeling strong now that the decision has been made. But I've been crazy emotional. Irritable and weepy. In such early days I've read that is normal. If anyone would like to share their stories of early days I would be grateful.

I would like to clarify that the feelings I'm having this time are much more intense. Before when I quit I always left the door cracked for future use. Now that I have shut that door I am filled with regret over the time I've wasted. Couple that with the intense withdrawal... well I'm lucky my husband is a saint.

For strength and purpose, I suggest you make good use of this site. Read and post daily. It will help you and may help someone else too. :)

Welcome- prayers

Hey!

I joined in June 2010. I tried to moderate for four years. I stopped in June 2014. I haven't had a drink since.

You'll get this. In 2010 I still wanted to drink. By 2014 my life was a living nightmare. I finally wanted to stop more than I wanted to drink.

Hi AlaskaGirl! Congrats on your 7 days and your firm decision to never drink again.

:You_Rock_

Just going by the language you're using, you sound like you might be interested in AVRT or Rational Recovery?

In the first few weeks of my recovery my emotions were all over the place as well. I found myself generally very depressed, but had zero desire to go back to the bottle because I knew it would just prolong it. My mood didn't change overnight, but I can say that at 2 months I've come a long way. I have good moments, bad moments, as I figure most 'normal' people do.

Welcome back AlaskaGirl. You'll get it this time. Keep coming back and posting.

Alaska girl I am in the same boat. I wasn't quitting with conviction before, always leaving the possibility open to drink later. But I'm done and want to be hangover free more than I want to drink. Wishing you the best.

Alaska Girl - making the decision to never drink again and never change your mind and here is the real test...NO MATTER WHAT. For me, that was the "penny dropping moment". No matter what.

It is difficult at the beginning and your emotions will be all over the place. The first couple of months for me I did anything to distract myself from picking up, such as playing scales on my guitar, colouring, binge watching tv (something I still do) and allowed myself to eat anything I wanted. I also got involved in outside activities with my community to get me out of the house and do something in the evenings. In my case, I joined the community theatre guild and got involved - loads and loads of fun and something that did NOT involve alcohol.

I certainly regret the time I wasted with my addiction but I can't change the past and can only move forward. I'm not bothered by alcohol anymore and don't crave it. I surround myself with people who are not addicts (that I know of) - people who are happy. I don't hang around those who are downers or whiners.

It's a simple process but it's not easy. You have to work it. My soul support is this forum.

I wish you well in your new journey.
CF

Hello! Fantastic that you were able to quit and now you have THREE YEARS under your belt! I'm so excited to be where you are now. Thank you for reaching out :tyou

Hi AlaskaGirl!

Glad you're back.

I'm back to day 1 after trying some moderation. It didn't get too out of hand but was heading that way, so here i am!

The first time I came here and quit (May of 2015, stayed sober over a year) I was a mess. I was drinking everyday and a LOT of it. When I finally quit j was an emotional roller coaster! The daily gratitude thread really made a big difference for me. I posted one thing in there every morning and every night. In fact it was when I stopped posting that I started trying to drink in moderation.
Maybe you could check those threads out? Even if I was a mess in the in between hours, those threads really kept me grounded and moving in the right direction.

shortstop81 - I am very interested in AVRT and RR. I've never bought into the idea that I am powerless over alcohol. There isn't a drink in the world that can pour itself down my throat. I have to facilitate that happening.

Where I have failed in the past is I could never get myself to the point of making a Big Plan. My ego wouldn't let me admit that I couldn't win the battle of controlling my drinking. After doing a lot of research I realize now that something about my chemistry reacts horribly to drinking. I'm not a bad person with bad character, but I will always do bad things when I drink (even if that bad thing is just to hurt myself with more drinking).

Now that I have made a Big Plan I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted. Today I feel really good, no tears yet! Yay!

Sorry - Double Post

Calicofish – Thank you for your post. I really appreciate you letting me know this forum is your soul support. I live in a small town and we don’t have any non-AA support groups that meet in person. I will be leaning on SR.

Site1Q84 – I will check out the daily gratitude thread for sure! I’m glad you are back, I will watch for your posts. Thank you!

Wishing YOU the best CLAS, we've got this!

AlaskaGirl,

If it helps, I found that in early recovery, the most important thing for me was to keep busy, or at least keep my mind occupied when I had down time. Part of overcoming the addiction was simply breaking a habit (i.e. "We'll, it's 5:30pm and I'm done with work and have nothing to do, so it's time to get blotto" or "It's the weekend and I have nothing to do, so might as well get drunk."). Keeping busy so I didn't have TIME to drink went a long way for me in the early going because boredom was such a huge trigger for me. I managed to break the subconscious association between free time and drinking. The bonus was that I actually started living my life as opposed to just getting by. I'll have a year sober at the end of March, so something is working.

Best of luck -- keep us posted!

Welcome AlaskaGirl :)

D

Welcome back AlaskaGirl :)

D