Going out in sobriety
 

Hello! I am a little over 18 months sober and I have been going out with a guy from aa. He is about 2 months sober and I have been going out to listen to music in bars. I have to be honest: it is boring and uninspiring. The people do not seem fulfilled or happy. I am looking for advice. I don't find anything in bars. Should I just tell him I don't want to go drink cokes in a bar and talk to women? Over the past 6 months I have matured a lot and I find going to a bar to be a waste of time. My time seems too valuable to waste. He is younger than me so I mostly went to be sober and show some support. Advice?

I hope everyone on here is well.

Hi!

I would definitely be honest and say that to him. Suggest coffee shops/walks/climbing walls...whatever floats your boat or maybe just enjoy saying hello to each other at meetings.

Did you say he had two months of sobriety? You have enough time under your belt to know that sitting in bars is not appealing. This person may not have.

P

I am surprised he wants to just go "hang out" there... I am going on 90 days and do not want to go anywhere near a bar. However, he probably is new to doing activities sober, and is only doing what he knew before... Suggesting other things might even be helpful.

Always best to be honest Ach.

D

Sounds like an uneven relationship to me, in length of sober time and in your interests and his.

I'd be focusing on my own sobriety, including what I want to do or don't, and since I do that, only spend time with people who also want to do stuff I actually enjoy.

Protect yourself first.

I think in a new relationship you do things both parties enjoy? I am not sure, I don't remember. The last time I had a boyfriend we pretty much just went to see his musician friends play at various clubs, too. I don't think I'd much care for it now.

Suggest something else that interests you. If he balks you find somebody else to go there with.

Yes be honest. And as someone with more time maybe you have an opportunity to guide him into more healthy activities. 2 months isn't long and being in bars at that point could be a poor decision. And maybe this guy should be focusing on something other than women.

What about an activity you could do together? Weather sucks....bowling?

I would be honest. Bars are boring when one doesn't drink. Maybe he is open to doing something different. Personally, that he still goes to bars even while sober is a bit tricky and a red flag. Good luck.

Honesty is best Ach. I would go a step further than that - you have matured enough and learned enough in AA to perhaps mentor this friend and suggest to him that hanging out in bars is a had idea. Especially if the goal is to meet women. You know from experience that getting involved in a relationship as early as your friend is sober can be a very bad experience.

It's all about developing new habits. Going to bars is counter productive. This is simple. Tell him no more. Just my opinion Ach.

Funny you said this.

I went to a bar with my wife Friday night to meet a friend (my wife still drinks everyday as does our friend).

As I was sitting there, nursing my Coke, I too looked around at the people drinking and they were not looking that happy. Many of them were alone and just staring mindlessly at a television screen.

One woman really caught my eye; she was alone, downing shot after shot and texting or whatever on her phone. It made me feel sorry for her and all of them really.

I like spending time with my wife but these trips to the bars are getting real old - hell we are both 53 and bars are for young people.

wanting to be supportive is good, but going to a place of temptation with someone 2 months sober doesn't seem like proper support to me. it would seem being supportive would be explaining the importance of getting away from wet places and wet faces and how dangerous it can be to be hanging around them.

Thank you! Well we play music together so that is our common interest. It feels like he just wants to live the same life as before just minus booze. He did mention that he wanted to smoke weed and just stay away from alcohol. I am trying to finish school and get physically fit. He kept wanting me to talk to the females in bars but I did not feel connected with anyone.

People go to bars to drink. I don't drink. Thank you for your help.

If I hang out in bars, I undoubtedly would be tempted to drink. I reckon Ill feel that way the rest of my life. Bars are designed to encourage you to drink, that's their business. The music, the TV's, the lights, bartenders are all screaming, "Come sit down, let me pour you a drink."

I think you realize its wise to stay away if you want to stay sober. It like they say, hang out in a barber shop long enough, you'll eventually get a haircut.

In a bar? Two months?
 

I'd say think about his sobriety. He doesn't sound committed. Also, he has not, in my opinion, been sober long enough to be dating you. In AA we call what your doing "13th stepping".

Girl!
 

You need to get away from that!

I am a guy. We are both musicians. We are just friends so there is no romantic relationship.

Your feeling is most likely correct...and his second statement proves it. He want to still get "high" and not pay the consequences. It's the alcoholics ultimate pipe dream really, and many of us have had it.

There are many, many red flags in this relationship and I'm glad you've sought advice on it.

Thank you, Scott.

I will just focus on finishing school. One more semester!

I tend to not be dogmatic or pushy around people. People should not be controlled or told what to do, so I am not inclined to tell him to stay out of bars, etc. But I have to protect my sobriety and I cannot go into bars because I don't find anything there for me anymore.

Well, I have a completely different take on this. Being in a bar cannot "make" me drink. I don't drink, so no person or place is going to ever going to change that. If one of my several friends who are in bands are playing in a bar, I'll go to listen and dance. That said, being around a bunch of hardcore drunks for several hours is boring...I mean there's no two ways about that. So yeah, I get not wanting to go because it's just not your cuppa.

You said you guys play together. Do you play in bars or just jam together? Do either of you have any other interests that could lead to other things to do outside of the bar scene?