gaffo

The title of this thread made me think you were referring to self righteous drunk people--they certainly are/were annoying enough to make me stop drinking and never pick up again! I agree with Dee's point about time changing your perspective. I too have learned a lot from annoying people.

bemyself

Loved Ken's point - i.e. it's clear that some just have that kind of personality, wherever they are.

Having said that, I cannot deny from my experiences in the rooms (and lots of them, lots of groups, different locations etc) that more than a few individuals who get to around 2-5 years or even a bit more have displayed....what shall I call it?

Well, it can manifest in various ways, in no particular order:

a kind of smugness;

a body language and facial expressions which are distancing to those of us who have been in and out, quite unlike their earlier camaraderie and loving kindness when we were all newcomers together [I've sometimes noted it as 'fear: that relapse is catching, like a virus!'];

a rush to do a spot of BB bashing or slogan spouting in lieu of any other more general human response / discussion;

a literal, physical turning away when one perceived as lesser greets them - I did indeed one time march after said person, who'd done it several times, and he was at the time about 5 years 'saved by God taking away the compulsion' (his words), and I firmly said 'you are the rudest person I have ever met in AA. Can you not manage even a simple courteous greeting in return as one would do to anyone passing on the street?!'. He stood there, stunned. Since then, about 3 years ago, this chap has been much more - at the very least - pleasant, just a nod, a smile, a general greeting. That's all that is required. Basic courtesies.

In a VERY generalised sense, I've found that people with many decades of good sobriety (even if they're a tad eccentric / a bit nuts still - the ones who admit to that are the best :-)) tend to be rather more chilled, encouraging, kind, able to laugh at themselves and the human condition. Rule 62! “Don't take yourself too damn seriously.”

bemyself

Mind you, JWS - I've had my moments (many) of being self righteous, too.
Rule 62!

Berrybean

Yeah. People can be so irritating cant they.

Never mind though. Acceptance stand us in good stead. After all, we're learning to deal with life (people and events) on life's terms now.

Funny thing is, usually, once I've worked through my resentments I quickly find that I've forgotten what they specifically did or said that annoyed we in the first place. If you work your program (after all, you probably went to AA to fix yourself, not to fix everyone else) you'll be completely free of this in a year.

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I can't change (everyone else, whether I like it or not). The courage to change the person I can (me). And the wisdom to know the difference.

I read a nice quote yesterday that said, wisdom is the 'art of steering through battles and blessings of life, and living skilfully in whatever conditions you find yourself'. It is 'choosing to do now what you will be happy with later on.'

Besides, sometimes we learn from the good things people do, and we aspire to be like them. BUT, other times we can learn from the not so good that people do, especially if they are effectively being like one of those horrible magnifying shaving mirrors to our own character defects. The good that comes from that is often a painful one, but it's still good if we choose to focus on the person we can change, and not get distracted by planning the demise of those we can't .

I have always found other people infuriating, but honestly, the serenity prayer, resentment prayers, and working the program (so it's my own inventory I'm taking, and my own side of the street clean I'm keeping clean) really has relieved much of my old daily frustration with folk. Sure, people still irritate me at times (esp if I'm Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired) but I just do what my sponsor suggested. Serenity prayer. Resentment prayer. Gratitude. Help someone else. Hasn't failed yet (disclaimer : some miracles happen in slow motion).

Hoping you find some serenity and fellowship at your meetings.
BB

Notimetoloose

That is where my thoughts align as well.

Having said that, for a wide eyed fragile newcomer to an AA meeting, I can not imagine anything more of a turn off than a self righteous, opinionated individual heralding their brand of AA.

August252015

Yes. One thing my first sponsor ALWAYS reminded me is that it is not my place to take anyone else's inventory. "If I am not the problem, there is no solution" . . . . pp 85-88 and 417-418 are ones I read daily and in addition to talking about "acceptance as the key to all my problems" (paraphrase 4th ed), they talk about looking at MYSELF when I am disturbed by something. I find this really helps put my focus where it belongs- on what I can do better, on where I am wrong, etc .. .. not on others, no matter how crappy they act or how "right" I am about my assessment of their behavior.....

And - focusing on the folks who have what I want, not the ones who have what I don't (there are certainly some jerks in the rooms of AA I attend - dry drunks, others whom I just don't like, whatever- just like in life) is the most useful and positive focus I can have.

silentrun

Something I read said that 30% of alcoholics have underlying psych conditions and are twice as likely to have anti social disorders. During the final years of my drinking I was turning into that. It was not fun. I can't imagine that people who do that enjoy it. Maybe they don't know any other way to be.

Forward12

For many people, their sobriety is the only positive thing that's ever happened in their lives, and they get an ego over it.
AA is just people as well, with many you agree with, others you may feel so-so about, and those you find to be complete idiots. Don't let it deter you, we all have our own paths to follow.

August252015

This is an important point. The people with longer sober time are supposed to help (serve) the alcoholics who are still suffering, including the newbies. Certain attitudes, comments and behaviors are certainly off-putting to new people especially - just like in real life.

That being said......what we learn in AA is that we have to focus on our program, not on others as far as any "blame" or "off-putting" goes, as to why our own program doesn't "work." That's why things like "Take what you want and leave the rest" are said and particularly apply to others' behavior; it doesn't mean to pick and choose parts of the program, rather of the people in it.

There are so many reasons that most of us now committed to AA avoided it in the first place- tons of excuses. I certainly disdained everything about it (mostly without knowing exactly what I was disdaining- I just didn't want to stop drinking; other people have specific reasons).

Each of us does have a responsibility to serve others; each of us ultimately has the responsibility to serve ourselves by taking ownership of our sobriety.

Ken33xx

The AA fellowship is hardly a bastion of metal health

I often recommend the newcomer check out various meetings and give AA a chance.

Because you can't beat the price and it works if you work it

FBL

You'll meet some difficult people in any walk of life. How you deal with them is up to you. Personally, I use the "mind over matter" approach....I don't mind, cause they don't matter

Algorithm

Your problem is that you have actually bought into their "sober time" credentials, very possibly because you've been in and out of the rooms for years. This acts like a kneecap job to your self-confidence, and they know this. They also know that their "sober time" isn't worth anything at all, however, not even to them, because they still doubt themselves.

None of them will ever promise publicly to never drink again, because they know that they may drink tomorrow, and they have seen people drink again after years. If you really want to get under their skin, and expose their own self-doubt, ask them publicly if they will ever drink again in this lifetime, or if they will not.

But first, ask yourself.

JK130

I wonder if their intent is to be inspiring? Like the fitness gurus on January 2, or the slender folks at Weight Watchers, or the speakers at college orientation, or political candidates at rallys? If you can't change meetings, I think it would be OK if you voiced your concerns with a trusted AA member (do you have a sponsor?) who may be able to give you some more perspective about what's going on. Waiting sounds like a recipe for resentment, which can lead to negative feelings that could get in the way of your recovery. Sending good thoughts about solving this tricky issue!

paulokes

A good friend of mine used to say "We're all here to rub the rough edges off each other" and that has always stuck with me.

Another friend used to talk about the things in life that irritate us being "Grist for the Mill"...I had to look that one up

Anyway, that's enough of my cryptic self-righteous musings...you have a good day my friend

P

paulokes

Oh and they say if you like every one in AA, you're not going to enough meetings

I could go on but I'd just irritate myself hehe

P

Rob32u

"Reformed Drunk Syndrome". Usually it refers to former alcoholics giving drinkers a hard time. I'd never heard of the AA variety.

sg1970

You will know you are getting well when things like that don't bother you anymore.

Ken33xx

So true. I liked to view the fellowship as a training ground so to speak. The rooms are often a place you can practice interacting with others.

I mentioned the other day about the group guru with over 25 years of sobriety time who started working with me. After co-workers began avoiding him the man he started looking for me. However, this is my work place and not an AA meeting and I didn't want to socialize with during breaks or at lunch. I find him just too opinionated.

He wasn't happy about this and it became uncomfortable seeing him at meetings but I learned to set boundaries.

Looking back I found this uncomfortable situation to be a good learning experience.

tomsteve

is it going to be another 6 months before ya post again?

Ken33xx

Although all we have is today and can't be certain what tomorrow will bring I wouldn't say sober time isn't worth anything. Time in sobriety has given me a reservoir of experiences both good and bad in which I didn't feel a need to pick up a drink.

However, I do agree there are members who perhaps because of nagging doubts about their own sobriety aggressively push back anyone they see as deviating from the AA program. I understand why someone who has had trouble getting sober and now find themselves with a couple of years can't afford to hear anything contrary to what is working for them.

Yet, I like to think we're all in this together and that we can at least be civil with those we disagree. (Which sadly isn't always the case.)

I would recommend the OP attend a variety of meetings if possible. Find a place where they can feel comfortable sharing and asking questions.