Is it all about personal accountability?
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Is it all about personal accountability?
So in the first three months of my sobriety I was all about taking personal accountability, owning my past mistakes, learning lessons, resolving to make better decisions going forward...
At some point, taking responsibility turned to taking blame, and blame turned to shame, and shame turned to self-loathing... You know what happens next.
How do I get back to that place of having peace with everything? How do you keep from blaming yourself for all the hurt you caused while drinking?
I never wanted to cop out and say "I couldn't help it! My addiction made me do it!" because I believe that I had the ability to make my own choices and that I chose to do the wrong thing over and over and over. But I am starting to wonder if that is really true at all...
At some point, taking responsibility turned to taking blame, and blame turned to shame, and shame turned to self-loathing... You know what happens next.
How do I get back to that place of having peace with everything? How do you keep from blaming yourself for all the hurt you caused while drinking?
I never wanted to cop out and say "I couldn't help it! My addiction made me do it!" because I believe that I had the ability to make my own choices and that I chose to do the wrong thing over and over and over. But I am starting to wonder if that is really true at all...
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There's no "magic bullet" answer to your question Brenda, but there is a solution, it's just different for everyone. For some it's diving in head first to 12 step recovery. For others it involves therapy - addiction specific or focused on specific life issues. Some pull heavily on religion/spirituality. There are plenty more too an I'm sure you've read about them, but if not check out the stickys again in newcomers.
The healing will not be immediate either...3 months is great but it's still very early in the grand scheme of things. You need patience and to try and concentrate on small steps...they add up over time
The healing will not be immediate either...3 months is great but it's still very early in the grand scheme of things. You need patience and to try and concentrate on small steps...they add up over time
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
There's no "magic bullet" answer to your question Brenda, but there is a solution, it's just different for everyone. For some it's diving in head first to 12 step recovery. For others it involves therapy - addiction specific or focused on specific life issues. Some pull heavily on religion/spirituality. There are plenty more too an I'm sure you've read about them, but if not check out the stickys again in newcomers.
The healing will not be immediate either...3 months is great but it's still very early in the grand scheme of things. You need patience and to try and concentrate on small steps...they add up over time
The healing will not be immediate either...3 months is great but it's still very early in the grand scheme of things. You need patience and to try and concentrate on small steps...they add up over time
Certainly, all of that goes without saying..
It's not that about finding the right recovery path or getting to a certain point fast.
As an addict, while I was under the influence, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and while I want to take 100% accountability, is this realistic and fair?
In other words, was I in control of my behavior?
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
As an addict, while I was under the influence, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and while I want to take 100% accountability, is this realistic and fair?
In other words, was I in control of my behavior?
In other words, was I in control of my behavior?
As to whether you were in control or not, it's irrelevant. It happened and you cannot change it, so you have to accept it and forgive yourself. And that is exactly what therapy/recovery helps you with.
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Brenda, I struggled with shame and blame and I understand how toxic this emotions are. What I know is that forgiving myself did not happen easily, nor all at once. It happened bit by bit by bit. It was a slow process and it was supported by my recovery efforts. I began to feel, generally, better about myself and gradually forgiving myself became somewhat easier.
I strongly suggest journaling. That was immensely helpful to me.
I strongly suggest journaling. That was immensely helpful to me.
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Is there ever a point where an addict can say, I never would have done those things, it was my addiction controlling me? Is that a cop out? Or am I supposed to accept that I am just that terrible of a person?
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Originally Posted by Anna
Brenda, I struggled with shame and blame and I understand how toxic this emotions are. What I know is that forgiving myself did not happen easily, nor all at once. It happened bit by bit by bit. It was a slow process and it was supported by my recovery efforts. I began to feel, generally, better about myself and gradually forgiving myself became somewhat easier.
I strongly suggest journaling. That was immensely helpful to me.
I strongly suggest journaling. That was immensely helpful to me.
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I like your original Post I can relate.
But I dunno i went roudn and round with the whole I'm a POS i did these things then shame and guilt and depression. I suppose prior to me quiting it was just like depression and such and not a lot of thoguth about it. after i got sober I was my own worst enemy.
I like you tried to figure it out. I had so many flaws that i felt like the worlds biggest piece of crap. and honestly had I posted here I'm sure plenty would have gladly highlighted my shortcomings for me all over again and when i did post here many did.
I suppose its needed to see my flaws and recognized them and try to fix myself. but honestly in early sobrietyer there was just so much of it. heck there probably still is.
I guess I started to develop this attitude i'm yep I"m nothign I'm a Piece of crap i'm the lowest of the low etc.. but in a humble way.
I suppose from a place of humility i'm able to avoid the shame blame and depression game. But if I combine this approach with the old cut your losses approach it seems to help.
So for example I can go round and round and round about my flaws my regrets my shortcomings i can blame myself beat myself up etc.. or ic an cut my losses and go ::shrug:: thats just how it is time to move forward now I guess.
When others point out my shortcomings and such if its something new i should address I migth take a look if its osmething i've already shrugged off and is in the past I try to just leave it there and move on now instead of pulling it back out to rehash it again in that bad cycle.
I hope this make sense.
breaking the cycle was key for me. For a while there in early sobriety the bad cycle was very much still there I had only just removed the drink part i had not actually unravvled the rest of the mess of it yet.
But I dunno i went roudn and round with the whole I'm a POS i did these things then shame and guilt and depression. I suppose prior to me quiting it was just like depression and such and not a lot of thoguth about it. after i got sober I was my own worst enemy.
I like you tried to figure it out. I had so many flaws that i felt like the worlds biggest piece of crap. and honestly had I posted here I'm sure plenty would have gladly highlighted my shortcomings for me all over again and when i did post here many did.
I suppose its needed to see my flaws and recognized them and try to fix myself. but honestly in early sobrietyer there was just so much of it. heck there probably still is.
I guess I started to develop this attitude i'm yep I"m nothign I'm a Piece of crap i'm the lowest of the low etc.. but in a humble way.
I suppose from a place of humility i'm able to avoid the shame blame and depression game. But if I combine this approach with the old cut your losses approach it seems to help.
So for example I can go round and round and round about my flaws my regrets my shortcomings i can blame myself beat myself up etc.. or ic an cut my losses and go ::shrug:: thats just how it is time to move forward now I guess.
When others point out my shortcomings and such if its something new i should address I migth take a look if its osmething i've already shrugged off and is in the past I try to just leave it there and move on now instead of pulling it back out to rehash it again in that bad cycle.
I hope this make sense.
breaking the cycle was key for me. For a while there in early sobriety the bad cycle was very much still there I had only just removed the drink part i had not actually unravvled the rest of the mess of it yet.
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
Is there ever a point where an addict can say, I never would have done those things, it was my addiction controlling me? Is that a cop out? Or am I supposed to accept that I am just that terrible of a person?
There are def things I've done when drunk or high that I wouldn't have done if not under the influence. But everyone knows that heavy alcohol consumption results in lowered inhibitions and poor choices, so yeah it's pretty much on me when I chose to drink or use.
What do you consider "a terrible person"? Is this a condition that one has forever or can it be changed?
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How do I get back to that place of having peace
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Originally Posted by least
There is a very good book by Thich Nhat Hahn called Being Peace.
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
Is there ever a point where an addict can say, I never would have done those things, it was my addiction controlling me? Is that a cop out? Or am I supposed to accept that I am just that terrible of a person?
You have to accept that bad things happened but do your best to make sure they don't happen again. And with time, forgive yourself.
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
I never wanted to cop out and say "I couldn't help it! My addiction made me do it!" because I believe that I had the ability to make my own choices and that I chose to do the wrong thing over and over and over. But I am starting to wonder if that is really true at all...
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Originally Posted by JeffreyAK
We can all look at it however we like, but I don't view this as a cop-out, I view it as truth and reality. I feel quite detached from the person who hurt his family and friends and co-workers, not "me" and certainly not who I am now. I can't change the past, all I can do is move forward from wherever I am at the moment, and fixating on things in the past doesn't help me, or my family, friends and co-workers.
I had remade myself, I truly felt like a new person.. a person that I liked.. and then.. I do have a sneaking suspicion I know what brought back the shame.. I started to try to be something that I'm not..
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Read this once and it struck a chord;
“Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”
― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
Really what I discovered is nothing I did was as bad as I thought nor nothing I did positively was as great. Both were simple grandiose thinking on my part. Turns out it was my ego demanding attention.
Just another Gus on the bus, nothing special.
“Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”
― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
Really what I discovered is nothing I did was as bad as I thought nor nothing I did positively was as great. Both were simple grandiose thinking on my part. Turns out it was my ego demanding attention.
Just another Gus on the bus, nothing special.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
Certainly, all of that goes without saying..
It's not that about finding the right recovery path or getting to a certain point fast.
As an addict, while I was under the influence, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and while I want to take 100% accountability, is this realistic and fair?
In other words, was I in control of my behavior?
It's not that about finding the right recovery path or getting to a certain point fast.
As an addict, while I was under the influence, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and while I want to take 100% accountability, is this realistic and fair?
In other words, was I in control of my behavior?
For me the answer is yes. I picked up the bottle. Nobody else.
When I was new in sobriety it began to dawn on me how much of a mess I had made of my life.
But I found solace in this... on one side of the coin I wish I had gotten sober younger and perhaps life might have been different. On the other side because of my drinking history I under no illusion I can drink responsibly.
I'm 59 years old and skipped the middle life crisis some men talk about. True I wasted the prime years of my life but for the last twenty I've been busy.
Last thing... nobody is harder on me than myself. I have to avoid self-flagellation. Imo, the past never really goes away but you learn over time to move on. You learn to deal with what is happening today.
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx
A better question is what do you think?
For me the answer is yes. I picked up the bottle. Nobody else.
When I was new in sobriety it began to dawn on me how much of a mess I had made of my life.
But I found solace in this... on one side of the coin I wish I had gotten sober younger and perhaps life might have been different. On the other side because of my drinking history I under no illusion I can drink responsibly.
I'm 59 years old and skipped the middle life crisis some men talk about. True I wasted the prime years of my life but for the last twenty I've been busy.
Last thing... nobody is harder on me than myself. I have to avoid self-flagellation. Imo, the past never really goes away but you learn over time to move on. You learn to deal with what is happening today.
For me the answer is yes. I picked up the bottle. Nobody else.
When I was new in sobriety it began to dawn on me how much of a mess I had made of my life.
But I found solace in this... on one side of the coin I wish I had gotten sober younger and perhaps life might have been different. On the other side because of my drinking history I under no illusion I can drink responsibly.
I'm 59 years old and skipped the middle life crisis some men talk about. True I wasted the prime years of my life but for the last twenty I've been busy.
Last thing... nobody is harder on me than myself. I have to avoid self-flagellation. Imo, the past never really goes away but you learn over time to move on. You learn to deal with what is happening today.
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