Is it all about personal accountability?
"You cannot change the past" is true in a literal sense, but don't let those words become a straight jacket. You can often change the consequences of past actions with your behavior in the present. Taking FULL responsibility for past involves doing what is possible to repair the damage done. This is the basic idea of making amends and it's worked quite well for many of us .
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"You cannot change the past" is true in a literal sense, but don't let those words become a straight jacket. You can often change the consequences of past actions with your behavior in the present. Taking FULL responsibility for past involves doing what is possible to repair the damage done. This is the basic idea of making amends and it's worked quite well for many of us .
I dunno....does it have to be 100% one way or the other?
I don't have the gift of perspective yet, as I'm only 2 months in. But I honestly believe that there were many things I did while drinking that I wouldn't have done sober. But...personal responsibility still falls in my shoulders in that I continued to drink, and pissed away many attempts at sobriety.
I know I'm not a bad, immoral person. Even good people with good intentions do bad things. But at least as a recovering alcoholic I get the chance to identify these behaviours and DO something about them. Not many people are willing to do that.
I don't have the gift of perspective yet, as I'm only 2 months in. But I honestly believe that there were many things I did while drinking that I wouldn't have done sober. But...personal responsibility still falls in my shoulders in that I continued to drink, and pissed away many attempts at sobriety.
I know I'm not a bad, immoral person. Even good people with good intentions do bad things. But at least as a recovering alcoholic I get the chance to identify these behaviours and DO something about them. Not many people are willing to do that.
Mindfulness has really helped me. There are some great books, articles and magazines talking about it. If you do a google search you will find a ton of information.
We can't change the past, we can only learn from it, guilt will eat away at you if you let it.
We can't change the past, we can only learn from it, guilt will eat away at you if you let it.
Actually they are. I think your understanding of what amends are might make you think so though. They are quite different from an apology and don't always have to be given in person to the affected parties - which is of course not always possible. Are you referring to the affair in this specific case?
Brenda, I reckon you'll have seen already from the various responders that this business of personal accountability is not a straightforward thing. It certainly - just in my experience - can be a slippery slope towards the kind of self-blame / self-denigration that you spoke of earlier.....but only if one allows the entire sum of one's life actions that have harmed others or oneself to kind of 'gather steam' and roll towards one like an avenging mob, or as if you're facing an unsympathetic courtroom.
I know that I've done that many times - the results for my sober emotional health were often dire. I would occasionally allow such an inner storm - which just started out, I thought, as objective reflection! - to tip me into a seething frenzy.....and later drink 'on it'. Not at all suggesting that you would do the same, mind!
Untangling what is - and ISN'T - our blame / responsibility for actions taken when drunk (and / or those not-taken, which end up harming us or others too) is better undertaken with some more objective person together. That's why - although I'm not a huge fan of the Steps, for example - the underlying principle behind Step 5's 'AND another human being' is there.
The main prerequisites for such a 'listener' IMO, is to have lived a bit, to have a good understanding of human frailties and strengths, and to have come to an understanding themselves of self-compassion. It can a trusted rabbi, priest / parson , counsellor, psychologist, AA sponsor or mentor, or any other mentor-figure - whom you trust, or if no one exists currently, that you feel you can come to trust, and with whom you feel safe from judgement.
Anna's suggestion - which she regularly offers to many of us, not just you :-) - is that writing stuff out in a journal, is definitely a go-er. But if you're prone - as I am - to then stewing in it (Huxley's 'rolling in the muck ' - thanks Fly n Buy for that great reminder!), that's when it's quite helpful, indeed cathartic, to share and discuss this stuff with some person like I've suggested above.
Please also note: you're still quite young in years, and sobriety - and guess what? you, like everyone else on this planet, whether having been an addict, still an addict, never an addict, sober as a judge for the term of their natural lives, will continue to do yourself or others some degree of harm, unintentionally or not. It's part of being human. That's why all of us do better if we practice making amends as soon as we can, once aware of what we might have done, whether the other person accepts them or not, and practicing forgiveness of ourselves - and often, of them as well, as they too may well have played a part. So, no, it's not ALL 'your fault', not every time. This is a crucial but sometimes subtle distinction.
I know that I've done that many times - the results for my sober emotional health were often dire. I would occasionally allow such an inner storm - which just started out, I thought, as objective reflection! - to tip me into a seething frenzy.....and later drink 'on it'. Not at all suggesting that you would do the same, mind!
Untangling what is - and ISN'T - our blame / responsibility for actions taken when drunk (and / or those not-taken, which end up harming us or others too) is better undertaken with some more objective person together. That's why - although I'm not a huge fan of the Steps, for example - the underlying principle behind Step 5's 'AND another human being' is there.
The main prerequisites for such a 'listener' IMO, is to have lived a bit, to have a good understanding of human frailties and strengths, and to have come to an understanding themselves of self-compassion. It can a trusted rabbi, priest / parson , counsellor, psychologist, AA sponsor or mentor, or any other mentor-figure - whom you trust, or if no one exists currently, that you feel you can come to trust, and with whom you feel safe from judgement.
Anna's suggestion - which she regularly offers to many of us, not just you :-) - is that writing stuff out in a journal, is definitely a go-er. But if you're prone - as I am - to then stewing in it (Huxley's 'rolling in the muck ' - thanks Fly n Buy for that great reminder!), that's when it's quite helpful, indeed cathartic, to share and discuss this stuff with some person like I've suggested above.
Please also note: you're still quite young in years, and sobriety - and guess what? you, like everyone else on this planet, whether having been an addict, still an addict, never an addict, sober as a judge for the term of their natural lives, will continue to do yourself or others some degree of harm, unintentionally or not. It's part of being human. That's why all of us do better if we practice making amends as soon as we can, once aware of what we might have done, whether the other person accepts them or not, and practicing forgiveness of ourselves - and often, of them as well, as they too may well have played a part. So, no, it's not ALL 'your fault', not every time. This is a crucial but sometimes subtle distinction.
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So in the first three months of my sobriety I was all about taking personal accountability, owning my past mistakes, learning lessons, resolving to make better decisions going forward...
At some point, taking responsibility turned to taking blame, and blame turned to shame, and shame turned to self-loathing... You know what happens next.
How do I get back to that place of having peace with everything? How do you keep from blaming yourself for all the hurt you caused while drinking?
I never wanted to cop out and say "I couldn't help it! My addiction made me do it!" because I believe that I had the ability to make my own choices and that I chose to do the wrong thing over and over and over. But I am starting to wonder if that is really true at all...
At some point, taking responsibility turned to taking blame, and blame turned to shame, and shame turned to self-loathing... You know what happens next.
How do I get back to that place of having peace with everything? How do you keep from blaming yourself for all the hurt you caused while drinking?
I never wanted to cop out and say "I couldn't help it! My addiction made me do it!" because I believe that I had the ability to make my own choices and that I chose to do the wrong thing over and over and over. But I am starting to wonder if that is really true at all...
BC,
I don't think you can go back to the peace you had, but you can certainly go forward towards peace. the one you had didn't last, and that, I think, is about progress as you're sober longer....you have gained some understanding and insight, and "stuff" is coming up, disturbances.
guilt, if you've done wrong, is an entirely appropriate feeling. if you didn't feel it, there would surely be something amiss.
being accountable means to me that I admit to myself and to those I harmed hat I did these things, regardless of the fact I was actively alcoholic. it was I who did them. being accountable means taking responsibility. I made amends. there are different ways of going about that, of course, and possibility of causing more harm. i found the AA steps a design to help me do that, a process to help me get to where I was willing and able, and then move on from there.
for me, it's neither about accepting that I am or was a terrible person, nor that I was controlled by my addiction and somehow now not accountable for my behaviour. it's been very much about taking responsibility for what I did and do, no matter what 'state' I was in.
righting the wrongs brings peace.
I don't think you can go back to the peace you had, but you can certainly go forward towards peace. the one you had didn't last, and that, I think, is about progress as you're sober longer....you have gained some understanding and insight, and "stuff" is coming up, disturbances.
guilt, if you've done wrong, is an entirely appropriate feeling. if you didn't feel it, there would surely be something amiss.
being accountable means to me that I admit to myself and to those I harmed hat I did these things, regardless of the fact I was actively alcoholic. it was I who did them. being accountable means taking responsibility. I made amends. there are different ways of going about that, of course, and possibility of causing more harm. i found the AA steps a design to help me do that, a process to help me get to where I was willing and able, and then move on from there.
for me, it's neither about accepting that I am or was a terrible person, nor that I was controlled by my addiction and somehow now not accountable for my behaviour. it's been very much about taking responsibility for what I did and do, no matter what 'state' I was in.
righting the wrongs brings peace.
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Actually they are. I think your understanding of what amends are might make you think so though. They are quite different from an apology and don't always have to be given in person to the affected parties - which is of course not always possible. Are you referring to the affair in this specific case?
Living amends are a way of living your life in a way to not let whatever happened before happen again. It's literally amending YOUR life to live in a new, better way. Let's say for example someone was physically abusive to another person when they were drinking. Contacting that person to make direct amends may not be appropriate, or even legal. So a living amend might be to go through anger management or even volunteer for a domestic violence group as an example.
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I have been doing that, only without the awareness that it falls under "making amends".. One part of it was moving on to a new home care case where I have the opportunity to show that I can maintain professionalism and respect for others..
So keep doing it :-) Perhaps you could think of some other ways to help bolster this particluar amend as well that don't involve a direct apology.
more familiar with the process. If, for example, if you have wronged someone and they have since passed away, what then? Well, there are always people in need and who may have suffered a similar fate to the person you harmed in the past. The amends are made to this surrogate. IN FULL.
Or perhaps to inform someone of a transgression you committed against them (about which they are ignorant) might hurt them more that any subsequent good you could hope to do after informing them. Then you do the amends as best you can without informing them.
Many people in AA have extensive experience with this process. In any event, it's wise to run a plan for amends past an impartial person before you take action.
Hope you find your way out of this Brenda. Don't close any doors before you know for certain they cannot lead you to a solution. Amends are a powerful spiritual process.
All the best
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When I got sober no one especially my wife wanted to hear I was sorry.
What they wanted was a change in my behavior and rightfully so.
The only way I can make amends moving forward is 'walking the walk'. The good news is, is that it works.
When we relinquish responsibility for ourselves we do things that aren't good choices. At the time we don't even think. We just take what we want. Being sober, and accountable is about thinking, making the right choices based on the needs of ourselves and others (rather than just our wants). The whole point of reflecting on the things that we did wrong, and the ways we behaved negatively, is to learn from it, and to use those lessons to move forward. Many of the character flaws that lead us to act out in certain ways won't disappear over night, drunk or sober, so it's not always easy to do (or even know) the next right thing. This is when I was always so grateful for a having a sponsor to guide me through this stuff.
In AA the next steps, after making those inventories and sharing them, is actually more about becoming willing to change, because most of us, even when we see our faults and understand the consequences of us acting on them, aren't ready immediately to have them removed. And until we do that, amends are always going to be a little tricksy to do, without being tempted to act on those old character flaws without even realising it.
It can sometimes feel like we need more instant relief. Thing is, we get it as we get it. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It's an ongoing process. Like those amends.
When my sponsor went through my amends list with me, I was kind of relieved at how many were noted as 'living' amends. No immediate action or embarrassing conversations necessary. Then the reality of it hit me. These amends would be lived. ONGOING. On and on. Suddenly I wasn't so sure I wouldn't have preferred a one off job! Lol. But usually doing the right thing gives its own reward, so as time passes and I keep doing my best, I notice my life getting increasingly easier and the promises coming true for me.
You're doing great BC. Just keep going.
Many of the character flaws that lead us to act out in certain ways won't disappear over night, drunk or sober, so it's not always easy to do (or even know) the next right thing. This is when I was always so grateful for a having a sponsor to guide me through this stuff.
Once I was sober, the first year was a roller coaster of emotions and some really bad decisions, then I began to see all the dysfunction. It's been a long, slow process, with therapy, AA step work, reading, etc.. but at least now I can recognize the thinking and behavior patterns, and self correct. But I still get stuck in my head sometimes, and I still make mistakes. Ultimately I have to just be grateful, accept life as it is, and accept that I'm doing the best I can.
I dealt with my own shame and remorse by accepting that I had done some pretty reprehensible things. I accepted the past events. Yep, that happened. All of it. And I made peace within myself by vowing, along with never drinking again, to never again act in that way. I gave myself a fresh start. I conflated my sobriety vow with my forgiveness, which strengthened it in a very important way. Never again would I be a person who acted in that way because I will never again drink.
Give yourself permission to move forward, BrendaC, or you will get stuck. And you do that by forgiving yourself. You can be the person you really are, the authentic you. Don't let your past mistakes mess your future.
This is what we do for others whom we love. We accept, we forgive, we allow them to live in this moment while doing their best. Now do it for you.
Give yourself permission to move forward, BrendaC, or you will get stuck. And you do that by forgiving yourself. You can be the person you really are, the authentic you. Don't let your past mistakes mess your future.
This is what we do for others whom we love. We accept, we forgive, we allow them to live in this moment while doing their best. Now do it for you.
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