trying12345

Hi,

I've been sober 11 days (woohoo!). I made it through Christmas and New Year's Eve (at home). I'm feeling good.

Yesterday, I went out to New Year's Day lunch and dinner with my 87 year old uncle. It used to be our "thing" to have a martini together. Obviously, I wasn't going to do this yesterday. It was difficult to figure out, but I ordered a vodka tonic and then snuck off to the bar (at both lunch and dinner) to tell them just to give me a club soda. My uncle wouldn't know the difference anyway and just think I changed my drink of choice.

I know that might sound extreme. But...my uncle rarely, rarely gets out and just wants to enjoy a drink with a dining companion. When his sons take him out when they are in town, because neither have ever drank alcohol he is not able to have a drink with them. And, if his dining companion won't have a drink, neither will he (not sure why). I just feel badly because, as I said, he is an old man who rarely gets out and I still want him to be able to enjoy a drink, even if I can't anymore. Now I feel badly like my issue it depriving him. He is too kind and gracious a man to have a drink when someone else isn't, even if it wouldn't bother them in the slightest for him to drink.

My question: does any one out here have a good, regular excuse you've ever used for why you can't drink? It's not realistic to advise me to just own my problem etc. to my uncle. I'm not about to make an 87 year old man worried or upset. I'm just trying to figure out what I can maybe say when I see him as an excuse for why I can't be drinking since this will be so different from the norm. I thought some of you might have had to make excuses in your past, as well, for those you don't feel it is appropriate to be honest with. Any advice is appreciated.

Optimist4ever57

How about "I'm taking medication and can't mix it with alcohol"?

dwtbd

I don't make any excuses for why I can't drink, because it's not true I can any time I choose.

Though I do have reason(s) why I Don't drink, but I've yet to run into a situation where I need to explain anything beyond the fact that I don't. I've also never asked anyone else why they don't or aren't.

heartcore

I think your solution was smooth as silk.

I often order fancy-schmancy looking non-alcoholic drinks at the bar and just leave it at that. Especially with sweet elder relatives who just want an afternoon out...

trying12345

Yes, this is a solid one. I worry even that this will make him worry, but certainly better than the truth. Thanks for your advice!

trying12345

Thank you!

ScottFromWI

I've found that in nearly all situations, no "excuse" is necessary at all. As alcoholics we falsely assume/obsess about other people's thoughts regarding our drinking. In reality no one really cares or even notices for the most part. And for the handful of times that other ask if I would like a drink, I just say sure - I'll have a water/sofa/etc. And for the very rare occasion that someone asks why I don't want an alcoholic drink, I just say I don't drink. Nothing further needs to be said.

doggonecarl

If your uncle feels he can't drink in the presence of a non-drinker, that's on him.

I tell people I don't drink. I don't have to explain it. I darn sure don't make excuses for why I don't. Sobriety has saved my life. I don't have to excuse anything. I am secure in that stance and that security about my sobriety might help account for the many years I haven't drank.

Maudcat

Your uncle sounds super-courteous. That is so nice. I like your solution for the situation. I was crazy aware that I was not drinking in early sobriety, and very sensitive about it. I felt like everyone was noticing my lack of alcohol and judging. Now I am confident in my sobriety and I don't make an issue of it at all. I just order something soft. Really, no one cares.
If someone does press, I just say that my husband and I gave it up for health reasons, which is totally true..
Congratulations on your sobriety. Glad you are feeling good. Peace.

Db1105

I just say I can't handle alcohol so I stopped drinking. If they can't respect that, they are not worth my time.

Centered3

Normally I'd just say "I don't drink". But in your situation I might say "I can't mix alcohol with a medication I'm on" so as to soften the blow with your 87 year old uncle. I like what you did, though. You were thinking of him and his feelings. You are obviously a kind person. :-)

I'm in awe of those who could sit at a bar with a fancy non-alcoholic drink that looks like a real drink. Honestly, I don't think I could do that because my mind would be searching for that buzz. I have to keep it real with a sparkling water and lemon.

Timebuster

When someone asked me why don't drink, I tell him every time I have one I end up in handcuffs. Then stand back and watch their reaction which is usually a confused look LOL

But serious though, I can't remember the last time I was in a situation where somebody offered me a drink, and I don't see a situation in my future where I would put myself to have to answer that question. But if someone did ask me, I would just say no thanks. And if someone asked me why, I usually say I don't drink.

Concerning your situation, hey uncle, I will love to have a drink with you but I don't drink and drive. Case closed.

TB

Doug39

Your 87 year old uncle sounds like my late father-in-law. It was a big thing with him to have a martini at 11am every morning and another at 4 in the afternoon everyday. Anyone in his house (that was over 21) had to have one with him and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

I was a full blown alcoholic during the years I knew him before he passed away so it wasn't a problem with me then.

I am not much on giving phony excuses; they often bite you in the ass and make you look like a bigger fool than if you just told the truth that you may be ashamed of.

otter

Slippery slope. If we could have just one we probably wouldn't be here. I'd think your company is more important to him than the drink.

trying12345

This is the exact kind of unhelpful response I knew I would get from some people. They "can't"/"don't" debate is trivial here. So I'm glad you can be on your high horse and "have no need to explain anything" to anyone, but I think it was clear from my original query that I simply didn't want to worry or confuse an old man. I'm sorry that this was too confusing for you to understand so you decided to knowingly unhelpfully respond.

trying12345

I get nothing "needs" to be said. I think I made it clear that I wanted to say something to make an old man feel better. And I think that is fine to do.

trying12345

I never said that I "have to explain it". I made very clear that I WANTED to explain it so an old man can enjoy a drink out in what is probably his last year on this earth. No, it's NOT "on him". I will gladly take this issue "on me" to figure out, and some kind folks have had some understanding advice on this site. I thank them.

trying12345

Thank you. I appreciate your understanding advice. Clearly you thought about what I was working through, understanding where I was coming.

trying12345

This is the kind of pointless response I do not understand. I made it very clear why I did not want to say this to a sick 87-year-old man, and to say he's not worth my time makes you disgusting.

trying12345

Thank you for your kind response. I'm getting more frustrated by the responses I find to be very holier than thou. I thought I made it clear in my original statement that advice about just owning it wasn't helpful in this situation. One piece of advice for all situations does not always work, but I found that many people are black and white on this site. That is unfortunate because life is more often gray.