Uncomfortable/Embarrassed
 

O.k. last night a member showed up who sixteen years ago had eight years of continuous sobriety and was considered by many a poster boy for AA.

The last time I saw him at a meeting was maybe six months ago. He had finished a stint in rehab and was back on track. He'd seen the light and that was that. He was sober and going to stay that way.

Last night he shared he's back to square one and has five days. He was embarrassed and no one had much to say to him after the meeting. I caught up with him outside and said it was good to see him. Unfortunately after loudly declaring the last time things were going to be different he seems to have lost credibility with others in the room and is embarrassed.

The point of this post is to suggest if you're in AA, go back out and return it might be best not to make any declarations. Maybe keep a low profile. Keep things one day at a time. You're back and that is what is important.

The fellow last night seemed uncomfortable and embarrassed. But he was the one who made the point when sharing how that last time would be different.

And when you're in a small AA community it's not easy to hide.

People remember what you say.

I don't have any experience with AA, but this seems a little backward.

I agree

I guess the point I am trying to make is the way a person handle a return to the AA rooms. People are embarrassed and that's understandable but I'm not too sure it's a good idea to brag about their new found recovery. (Brag is probably not be the correct word. It's more the way in which this member shared about his recovery his last time around.)

He's a likely fellow but last night it seem the other members just didn't want to hear it.

Declarations are tough to live up to at times. Good point about keeping things cool when you are in, out, then in again.

It's also wasted energy in some part, to focus on telling a story of how things will be better. Actions speak.........but glad he is back, I imagine some don't return and clearly it's an important part of his plan.

Making declarations of sobriety to a bunch of AA members is pretty dumb. As a group, they probably have made more "declarations per capita" then any other group I can think of. They know BS when they hear it.

It's best just to keep it simple, one day at a time. Starting over with step 1, admitting you are powerless over alcohol is the way I would go.

The man shared last night that years ago he was considered by some to be the "poster boy for AA."

In a way he still is.

I`ve know the man as long as I`ve been in AA (20 plus years) and he`s a good example of how difficult it can be to get sober again after losing it.

It can be. We just have today. Peace.

Hmm. Well I dunno what to say. I don't want to send a message on a board like this that AAers are judgmental if ya relapse. That hasn't been my experience overall.

Each group is different. But I think humility is important for anyone in recovery. And it doesn't matter if ya just relapsed or if ya have 20 years. Maybe this guy shouldn't have made a declaration, but at least he's back. And yes, he's an example of what can happen. I was in treatment with a guy who had 22 years. I'm just grateful to be sober today.

I was under the impression that AA rooms were a place where alcoholics could come in and share their experiences and feelings openly and freely without the fear of persecution that they would find out in the real world because everyone else in the room has been exactly where they're at, and even if they haven't been, they understand that they could one day..

If someone feels confident and they want to share that, they should be able to do that. And if they feel humbled, maybe that is somewhere they needed to go. This was a part of that individual's recovery journey. Everyone is going to do this differently.

I think it's most important to remember that we are all just people....and we are aren't perfect. Ego gets in the way of all of us at times unfortunately. I'm glad your friend is back and that you reached out to him.

AA meetings are a microcosm of life. A community- self sustaining. I lived in many smaller country communities/towns/cities. It is difficult to be 'anonymous' For me- I just do it- I do not make statements that I'm gonna change the world. I am doing my stuff for me. As for the 'gonna's people- I respect them as sentient beings but do not socialise much with the repeat offenders who talk the talk.
The man here has my empathy and respect. He was brutally honest. Perhaps being the poster boy- felt as if it was 'judge not lest ye....'. People are fallible. I have seen a person going to meetings because one a-hole decided to inform this person they were not 'meeting their responsibilities' to the group by arriving earlier with the biscuits (which she paid for herself- refusing to take the group's money. That person avoids meetings and although not actively using- isolates and is plunging into dangerous depression. I always think about what I say before I open my mouth- for the sake of others and myself. It also serves as a poignant reminder- 1 day sober, 10 years sober- time means squat. The discipline not to drink, to treat every day as day 1 for the rest of my life is my mindset. Happy and peaceful and blessings all 'round new year people.

Two things I have always found very strange is people competing over their bottoms, and waxing ever more poetically as sober time is accumulated and brandished. I don't believe it helps anyone in the grand scheme of things to buy into a hierarchy based on either metric.

I considered the man a friend who was helpful both in and out of aa early in my sobriety.

Nice family, good father but not much I can say other than hope to see you next week and you got my number.

He's pushing 60 and the replapes aren't getting any easier.

Keep pushing and one's body or luck is going to run out.

I bet most of us have been there, convinced this time was going to be different, and proclaiming to ourselves and anyone else who will listen that this time is different. Then, days or weeks or months later, relapse. I'm not sure I'd have been comfortable in a group that didn't understand that process, and especially not in one that shunned me for being honest about relapsing.

I can't speculate too much about the state of mind of the person in question, but from my own personal perspective - and I've probably relapsed a lot more often than that guy - I'm cautious about coming across too overly confident. People not only doubt what someone else is saying, they may also be doubting themselves. It's human nature to weigh words against actions, even our own. The latter always speak louder, and take much longer.

Glad you talked to the guy, that's what I would have done..

Tradition 5 says. Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

It's my duty to try and help these folks.. AA is all about, "WE"

Credibility? Like in trust or believe him again? As for my sobriety I'm accountable to my self. This person needs support and encouragement more now than ever.....not rejection.

Credibility as in you mean what you say.

It often takes what it takes to get sober

One of the smartest things I did in sobriety was not to talk about how I was never going to drink again.

I only say I'm not drinking today which I find liberating .