I need help.
 

Im drinking 950ml of vodka a day now the last 120 days.

In 2012 was hospitalized for pancreatitis with necrosis. Yes i know its bad.

Since 2012 i have drank 85% of those days or more. Those days were more the 425-625ml 40% vodka.

Since i went on this 120 day 950ml binge i am scared to quit and my pancreas has to have huge more damage. Ive been to inpatient treat alot out patient alot.

Im lying to everybody. I go to meetings, i talk to my sponsor daily that i use to show my family im sober.

How do i ween my self off alcohol enough to not get a pancreatitis attack that leads to a hospital stay or if im lucky enough to get past that my issue is high blood pressure/heart rate coming off.

Yeah im desperate. I cant tell any of my family, boss, friends ive been drinking again.

Its horrible. I can drink 950ml of vodka feel wasted and people in recovery whohave had addiction problems cant tell ive been drinking.

I drink at least 100 ounces of water a day, take tones of milk thistle, tons of tumeric pills, tons of multi vitamins, tons of fish oil, tons of garlic, 30mg lansoprazol every day. All to combat the effects of alcohol on my pancreas, liver, heart,

Its awful.

I just want to stop with out my body shutting down.

Forgot to add im 37yrs old weigh 172 6'1 male been drinking heavey since age 16.

Hi suns :)

we can't give you medical advice by our rules,. but if you've been drinking hard and have pancreatic damage you know the best bet is to see your Dr right? They should be able to help you with safe withdrawal.

I understand you're living on the edge of a house of cards...most of us did...all I can tell you is it's not always possible to save your face and your butt, y'know?

I'd rather lose face than my life? :dunno:

D

Yeah. I know... Im just in a really crappy place. If i get 100% honest its going to be a minimum of 30day in patient and a halfway house.

I just want to get off alcohol without a pancreatitis attack and make some good sober decisions. Im drunk now. Gaurantee im a .20 plus bac. Going to eat and pass out. Then worry tomorrow.

I'm with Dee, get yourself to theER to have them help you with detox, and then have them help you figure our next steps for your illness, and rehab. You should be able to go out on disability, or work with your Employee Assistance Program.

I would not try to sop on my own right now, I think you are much safer under medical supervision.

Take my advice - dump that poison now,knock it off, hit the sack.

D

You know thats the obvious. Its easier said than done.

I wouldn't have signed up here desperately if i had that will powet. Going to sleep.

Hi there. You are calling out to the ether for help. I read your story. I read Dee's comments, then skipped to posting my bit. Regardless of your circumstances you need to get medical intervention, detox under supervision and then do rehab. Pretending to be normal will not- has not worked. I am certain everybody around you knows. Be honest- or it can get worse. If you have any doubts- read my story on the Newcomer's thread. I have been to hell- and you hav no idea of what it is like. Do not go there. You have choices- use them wisely. Life is a gift- do not let is come to something you cannot change. My deepest prayers for you. Keep posting, PJ.

suns6793, I was moved by your original post. SR can help you with this alcohol thing, you're not alone. It helped me quit. My first post here back in May was entitled "Need Some Help" and I got it here.

I'm not some guy spouting hot air, who's never been through this :)

Things change, and we change with them.

It wasn't possible for me to stop for many years, and then it was.
This place had a lot to do with that :)

Hope to see you posting again tomorrow Suns

D

I second going to your doc and come clean about it. It seems pretty clear that trying to sweep everything under the rug has made a pile so large it can't be hidden anymore.
They can get you into an inpatient detox or even at home. No one can force you back into rehab, (unless maybe it was court ordered) though it may be something to look into as well or another support network.

Nice to meet you Suns please stay with us you don't have to do this alone & I'm really really glad you reached out it is hard I never thought I'd find a way out but then I got sober

Hope today is a better day Suns. It's not about willpower at all actually, it's about acceptance and letting others help. Hope you can make rhe call to get info detox soon.

Sounds like you have help available. But you're ego and fear isn't letting you reach out to them. AA is a program that requires honesty. Self honesty and honesty with our sponsors. You have managed to be honest on here, so maybe now is the time that you can find the willingness to drop the pretence (its an insane game to play - and I'd be very surprised if anyone at AA really buys that you're sober, but it's not their place to call you out on it). It sounds like your sponsor is hanging around and humouring you while you get yourself to a place where you realise that, as uncomfortable as early sobriety might make you, drinking is equally painful so you really don't have much to lose by giving this is proper go.

No one can do this for us. Sitting in meetings only works if we listen, and are ready to work (actually WORK) an honest program. Until that time you're being played like a puppet by your addiction, and that's the choice you're making every time you take that first drink. While you're still drinking your AV will be taking the reins and calling the shots, and there's nothing any of us, here on SR or in your AA group, can do to stop you making that choice.

Once youre sober and have a clear head, the you could start your step work again. What does your step 1 look like? Is it 100% honest? If you weren't sober when you wrote it, chances are it's been written from your AVs point of view rather than an alcoholic who wants to get better.

There is no way to make the first few weeks of getting clean easy or comfortable. But however painful they are, as long as you do it safely, it will be worth it, because that's the foundation stone that you can start building your recovery on. Sober.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Sun,

Hope you come back.

I know the booze makes the suffering go away.

All suffering, mental and physical, is nulled out.

It is painful to quit. It is still painful, at times, daily for me.

I empathize w you. You are strongly addicted to booze.

Based on how much you drink, imo, the only way for you to detox is in a supervised environment e.g. hospital or trained detox center.

From there, you have to want to be sober for a reason. My reason was I didn't want to lose my job. I didn't want anyone to know, except in anonymity, my situation.

Nobody but SR knew the horror and hell I dealt w daily.

The fact that you want to quit is what you need to do it. Some folks don't want to,quit.

The freedom from the physical addiction is worth the effort. It is painful to get there though.

Nobody but folks that have been there can relate to the feeling of going from deeply addicted to clean and sober. It is a great feeling. One I can't recall ever feeling, until now.

Turn the page. Start a new chapter. No regrets. Move forward for yourself. Get clean. Stay clean.

Thanks.

Get to a Dr!!!! They have meds that can help you with withdrawal and they'll put you on a taper schedule. You just have to be committed to not drinking because combining the 2 is dangerous. Find an IOP(Intensive Outpatient Program). Go to meetings. You're not alone. Start 2017 off right as the day you got sober. We're here with you

suns, there is a lot of good advice from both newer and older sober friends here. I am around your age, a few years younger. I went through the same thing, thinking there was no way I could quit. It takes willpower, a LOT of it, and the desire to stop drinking. When was the last time you woke up after drinking and said, "Wow, that was awesome! Let's do it again today!" ? It has probably been a really long time. I was going through emotional turmoil, loneliness, felt like the walls were caving in around me. Somehow, with the help of my higher power, and here on this forum, as well as friends in AA that I was BRUTALLY honest with, I was able to get my last day one. Each and every one of us have been at the same point you are at now. We made a choice and kicking and screaming pulled ourselves out of the bottle.

You have that choice, no matter what it results in, you can stop drinking today, just for today. Don't worry about tomorrow until it comes.

It sounds exhausting to maintain this secret life.
You already know all the info if you've been through both inpatient & outpatient.
Yes, the recipe does call for a bit of will-power at times, but mostly it's about giving up, getting detoxed medically, & then making choices with a clear head.
While you're drinking that much & that often you are underwater with your thinking, and can't even reach the little island of safety, because you are thrashing around and drowning.
You don't have to go through some humiliating process of telling everyone in your life that you've been lying to them. You can just detox, get clear, get sober, and then you can choose who needs to know.
Just get detoxed & you'll know what to do next.

Lots of repeat addiction treatment obviously didn't remove the desire to drink, but I doubt that your body will be able to tolerate this kind of abuse forever. You're going to have to find a way to quit drinking, or risk dying the hard way.

I don't know how your relationship is, but they might still be able to assist with this, depending on their level of discretion.

I take it that's not something you want?

That is not necessarily your only option. As Mester already pointed out, your primary care physician (regular doctor) can probably provide a take-home taper script to avoid alcohol withdrawal. If you do it that way, no one would have to know.

You would have to get rid of the alcohol and actually follow the taper schedule, but the taper is usually over in a week or less. Sometimes, they will give you the initial dose (front loading) at the appointment, so you could toss the alcohol immediately.

Hi Suns,

How are you doing today?

Welcome to the Forum Suns!! :wave: