Day 75 ... AA anxiety is dreadful
 

First of all I can't believe it's been 75 days since I've had a drink. I did the first 30 days in 12 step based residential treatment program.

It was through this program that I was introduced to AA and the 12 steps & traditions. I desperately want to stay sober and work the program "the right way" but I am petrified with anxiety to barely utter a "hello" when someone says hi to me in meetings, let alone even attempting to find a sponsor. I figure by at least not drinking and making it through the door it is better than not going at all and getting drunk but I feel like I should be doing more and the anxiety of this is causing me daily suffering. For some reason being around all these people much older than me and lots of sober time is paralyzing me with anxiety.

It's like before I stopped drinking I was miserable with having an unmanageable life, but now I'm miserable with thinking I'm not doing enough to be proactive in my recovery... In many ways I am feeling like a failure at AA. Is this normal?

Can you turn this into some positives? I went through something similar. You have your rehab experience that counts for a lot. Also look at the older experienced members as teachers having a lot to offer and you'll do the same as you share when you feel comfortable. Someone may offer to sponsor if they know you are looking. Keep expectations of yourself reasonable.....not a race. Good for you..best of luck on your journey.

I had strong anxiety in general after quitting and needed to address it as a distinct and separate issue from my alcoholism. 75 days is great and I would think you'd be past some of the initial withdrawal anxiety, have you ever sought help from a mental health professional?

I too have had this. I tried September 2015 to go to aa then again in March 2016 and September 2016. At first it was ok then I felt the pressure to speak up, find a sponsor, read the old fashioned big book which was really getting to me slowly as I just didn't feel comfortable doing those thing (still feel loads of more modern and interesting books out there)

I think my biggest problem was that the men were often creepy and the women distant and damaged often so not very welcoming. It contradicted with the idea of "everyone supporting everyone" and getting phone numbers etc I just didn't feel I was getting anywhere.other women gave me their number but i was clearly shy and embarrassed and confused by the notion of being an "alcoholic". I never heard from them outside meetings or if I stopped going for a bit. It felt really selfish and fake.

I think people with anxiety and new in to aa need more direct help than they get from aa in U.K. Maybe it's different in us?

First off congratulations on 75 days that's awesome in itself

You are not a failure the above sentence proves that Ruby x

It can take a while to feel comfortable in an already established group. I suppose, when it was your recovery group, no one had been there much longer than anyone else, so it was more and even footing.

Just don't put yourself under pressure to speak out. It's fine to just go along, listen, get to know the dynamics and personalities a bit. Then, ovr time, I daresay you'll find one or two people you're comfortable with. Then a couple more and so on.

I would say though, if there are opportunities for helping with setting up and clearing up, then grab em. It's often easier to chat while focussing on a shared task.

I am at 66 days sober and I plan to start AA next week.

I also have anxiety about going to AA. Another thing that is giving me anxiety is that my wife is not being supportive since she still drinks everyday.

We must not worry about what other people think and focus on our sobriety.

I had such a low self esteem when I got sober and in AA I thought for sure everything said at a meeting was aimed at me and negative.

working the steps and talking to others about it helped me tremendously.

There's no such thing as being a failure at AA. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Nothing else. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's perfectly fine to go and just listen. Lots of ppl do that. But different AA groups have different dynamics. Some are very structured and some are loose. Go to different meetings if you can and try to find one that suits you. I have about 4 different meetings that I go to on a regular basis here in MN. I like some better than others, but I always find that if I check my ego at the door and keep an open mind, I can always get something out of it. But I do very much agree with the other posters here that suggest maybe finding specific help with your anxiety. I wish you all the best!

I was embarrassed when I first went to AA. What if somebody sees me? What are they going to think of me? I can't do this. Surely no one drank like I did.

Meeting after meeting I started realizing, These people ARE just like me. Story after story I kept hearing of all the things people did or didn't do and I could relate. The embarrassment? GONE! The people that saw me at AA were once in my shoes. We were alcoholics. There was no judging. Don't be afraid to tell your story. You'll be amazed at how much in common you have with your fellowship than you thought

In my book there is no such thing as failing.

Congratulations on day 75. That is amazing. And very strong and tough of you.

It's ok to go through sour and bitter emotions during your recovery.

And don't forget the rest of your life is recovery, and you have the rest of your life to make things right with anything that bothers you.

Try not to over-analyze things and learn to ignore and block out negative thoughts all together.

Keeping a positive mindset isn't just some thing you do, it's some thing you live.

This time of feeling like a failure will pass, just keep on the bright side no matter what and live in that instead.

And when it comes to anxiety, fight it with all you have and do things that you want to do anyway, regardless of anxiety. Just do it. Anxious or not. Be your anxious self, if you must. Anxiety always proves to be a loser in the end, you will see. And half the battle of overcoming it, is to stop listening to your anxiety and negative thoughts. Treat them as you would an intrusive thought and stop taking them seriously.

When I came to AA, everyone looked old. Now they all look young! I started my sobriety when I was 22. I wasn't exactly the clean cut young man that you would expect older folks to take to. I was more like the wild man of Borneo, hair, beard, all skin and bone and a head full of scrambled eggs. Yet the older members really made me welcome, and I related very much to what they had to say. I had always liked older folks anyway.

Amongst the young coming through AA from our big rehab, I was rather the odd one out. Many of them didn't like older members, felt they were different and didn't relate. And I didn't relate to them ( the young people) as I thought I should have, which worried me a bit at the time. One by one they left/relapsed. I am still here.

I was terrified in my first meetings. The only reason I got there at all was due to a kind man who 12 stepped me (explained about AA) before I went to a meeting, and then he took me to a number of meetings and stuck with me until I found my feet.

If that terrible fear, fear of people, fear of being found out, fear of everyone looking at me, fear of being made to commit to something, fear of what people would think, fear of speaking, is anything like anxiety, then the answer for me was to find one friend, my twelve stepper, who held my hand, so to speak, during the early days.

Today we have this habit of sending the newcomer directly to meetings without the benefit of a 12 step visit. I feel I might not have survived had they done that to me. It is very hard to learn about AA in meetings, because meetings are such random affairs.

I suggest to new folks that they try and spend an hour or two with a recovered member who can explain it all and answer their questions. A couple of hours doing that can teach you more than you would discover in 50 meetings.

rubythrill, your main job right now is to not drink. You're doing great at that, and that's what counts. Who cares if you're not the life of the AA meetings you're going to. Don't let AA meetings stress you out, and if they are like you're talking about, maybe it's better just not to go there. Maybe do something else to help your sobriety that's more in line with your personality.

Anxiety, especially social Anxiety has been a major factor for me to address in Sobriety. The important thing for me to remember is that it's an internal thing...it's my problem...not caused by the things outside me.

The beauty is that by addressing this anxiety I'm a lot more comfortable in my day to day life...in fact I'm generally more comfortable around others than I was when I drank. The process has been painful though :)

P

I'm with SnazzyDresser on that one Rubythrill.

I went to AA for some time, but don't really fit with "meeting" type formats, it always felt fake to me lol. I felt fake.

There are many ways to get sober Ruby, and more good books to read as you say. Ways and means that suit "your personality", as SnazzyDresser says.

I think direct help is a good idea too. Can you access a good counsellor for both alcohol and anxiety?

I give you allot of credit for posting. It sounds like your anxiety is overwhelming, so just talking about it, even anonymously here, must be quite difficult.

At the bottom of anxiety is fear, and fear is a big part of why many of us drank. I think it might be beneficial for you to post about the nature of your specific fears. What exactly are you frightened of. There are an awful lot of people on these forums who have been successful in addressing their fears and you might find what is said beneficial. Just be completely honest about the nature of the fear and put a little trust in the group of drunks on this forum.

The AA program is remarkably helpful in addressing fear but if the fear is so overwhelming that it prevents you from working the steps then additional help might be a good idea. You might also consider phoning one of the staff from the residential treatment that you attended in order get a referral to an appropriate therapist.

I hope you find a way to address this fear. It must be overwhelming.
All the best to you.