Letting go (or not)?
 

These songs were some of my favorites for many years before I quit drinking and also for a while in sobriety... Just want to post in case others find something in common.

I wish a peaceful end of year to everyone :)

Merry Christmas Aellyce :)

D

So...
Hi, I am Aellyce, an alcoholic and mildly bipolar person. I am trying my best to manage these pre-existing conditions.
How about you?

I am on this amazing vacation... but I miss my father

I love Evanescense. Thank you for sharing!

I'm sure you have many happy memories Aellyce.

I've been enjoying the quiet to be honest - I get a lot done when I stay home for Christmas :)

D

That is what I am doing. I prefer it quiet.

The code of the first~35 years of my life

I'm not great at discerning moods through youtube vids I'm afraid Aellyce - are you doing ok? :)

D

Hello Al. Just under 5 hours here 'till Xmas.

Hi - I guess one doesn't need to be a psychologist to see that there was something ... concerning... in my recent posts.

Not a relapse with drinking, that is very solid on my end. It's a relationship issue, and I can only blame myself.

Briefly, I met alcoholic ex (the guy that I wrote about here on SR many times) at a work conference, and we spent what I perceived as our best time together ever. He also quit drinking ~5 months ago, which was totally new to me. Amazing conversations and sex as ever...

This would not be a problem on the surface with my husband, because we are in an open relationship and in what we both call "polyamory"...
except that that I am not "poly" when with this "Ex". And he is married as well, not even in a theoretically open way like I am. Now sober.

I just don't know what to do... there is this one guy, that I always pegged "the love of my life" , with a complex relationship structure as ever before... and there is my husband, with whom everything is typically easy and superficial. I don't think that a confession of "being in love" with someone else would be easy though.

I never lied to a romantic partner about my other interests yet and I don't want to start it being over 40 yo...

Sounds like a pretty complicated situation.

I can't even pretend to offer advice about polyamory - but I am worried there seems to be something addictive about this - something complicated and deep, even dramatic, something obsessional, wanting a fantasy versus reality?

I'm not trying to offend. I'm well aware I'm very much 'vanilla' in these areas :)

There's something grounding about abiding by a do no harm rule - to yourself or others.

I'd maybe stay there while you figure this all out?

D

Thank you, Dee. I do recognize the addictive elements with this ex-bf... well, if not, I should just re-read my romantic relationship posts here on SR, they are almost always infused with the old parts of this story.

The "do no harm" rule is the thing in my mind, what also doesn't let me sleep. There is nothing even possibly offensive for me in your feedback, or any feedback I could get. For anyone who is interested in how to manage multiple romantic relationships in a realistic, adult way, ethics is (and should be) the first thing to come up. From the rational repertoire anyway.

My husband knows a lot about my obsessional relationship with this ex. For everyone who takes polyamory even in a half-hearted way, ethics is paramount. Also why many people don't like it, claiming that it's an endless negotiation process.

My husband knows the "ex" and always says he understands the attraction, being bi himself... I think I will tell him these recent events this morning and see where we go from from there. As I said I never hid or lied about these kinds of things before, and am not going to start now, Christmas or whatever.

Told my husband about the affair with the ex at the conference. He smiled and said he kinda knew it was going to happen, and also that I would come back to him and discuss.

So one of the lessons I am taking from this is that I am still vulnerable to relapse. Hooking up with the ex was a relapse, even if not alcoholic. Just read this thread and see what stands out... I am a polyamorous peerson, have been since my childhood, and this is what I am most secure about and know how to manage. That thing with the ex was a one-of-a-kind experience, extreme and out of general character for me. It was an addiction, like alcohol.

Not who and what I am as a healthy person :)

Just feel a need to revive this thread :)

The inner conflicts described above in this thread actually gave rise to some of the best conversations with my husband about relationships, our relationship and obsessions. He also had a similar long-term challenge about two decades ago when he married a drug addict, who sadly overdosed and died. Of course I hope my ex will have a victorious development with his recovery...

Something else:
I got into the tattooing project I'd fancied since my teens, finally at 40 yo, one year sober. I have always liked quality body art and modification... to me, these things represent our choices and free will, using what's been given to us, just like in the mental world, as starting material...

As for tattoos, I started an ongoing project around one year after my first ever quitting alcohol. My idea was to ink on my skin what I really am: a constantly learning and developing individual with changes and perspectives open-ended. So I found an artist for the basic work: create a vine plant starting from my right shoulder and arm, down on my back, side... spreading towards the left and front side of my body. This was the main tattoo I sort of completed over a year ago, but as I said, with open-end for the vine plant motif to grow and filled in.

Since then, I have added smaller, specific and meaningful things to it, embedded into the above image.

I have spent this end-of-year vacation in Mexico, with many meaningful activities. I scuba dived many days, for example, first time in my life... could be another discussion. I also found (before coming to this part of the world, so it was planed) a tattoo artist to add something new: the face of a sea lion integrated into the existing work on my right side. I just developed an affection and identification with these animals recently, to me they mean the unusual, intelligence, curiosity, affection... and more than all that, adaptability. We had one of those touristy "sea lion encounters" a couple days ago. These animals are generally plenty in numbers in their natural habitats but at the same time seriously endangered.

I have attached a picture that is similar to what I used for the tattoo with the artist. I just had it finished about an hour ago and am very happy with the result.

My husband also had a new tattoo done alongside. We are going back home tomorrow.

Happy New Year, everyone! :nys

Hope 2017 is a good year for you Aellyce :)

D

Just caught up on this thread, A -
I had a real chuckle when D mentioned being 'a bit vanilla', as I'm the same (despite fancying myself as a non-conformist in heaps of other ways). Mind you, though, I can / have been obsessive enough about just one person at a time that I honestly wouldn't have had the strength to manage poly-by-agreement situations! [and I certainly did NOT cope with poly-by-non-agreement situations with my exes - who clearly felt differently.......it's all a long time ago, anyway. Living like a nun suits me better now :-)]

I applaud you for having such insight - as so often you've demonstrated here - and seeing what needed to be done (i.e. tell your hub) and then Just Doing It. 'Do No Harm', like D said, is the ancient tried and true baseline it's always been.

Happy times for you in 2017, dear A.

PS the time with the sea lions sounds wonderful - thanks for the beautiful pic of one of them. I don't 'get' tattoos, in either sense, myself, but glad you've given yourself a sea lion to exemplify the qualities you've seen in them.

Hello, Aellyce,

I, too, am late in catching up.

"First do no harm" jumped out at me. I think that applies to you as much as anyone, my friend. Be careful. In the past, the relationship into which you relapsed -- a great definition, by the way -- brought you great sorrow.

I wish I knew what else to say. My own love life has not exactly been a series of ringing successes.

Just be careful. Take good care of yourself.

And relish your memories from Mexico. I, too, have truly enjoyed diving there and enjoying the undersea world! Plus, it's just so nice to get into sun and saltwater and warm breezes during this time of year!